A New Peacemaking Strategy
October 2008
3 CommentsWhen this post was written: First child (D) was 5 yrs, 4 mo. Second child (B) was 3 yrs, 10 mo. Third child (L) was 2 yrs, 0 mo.
We’ve got three children who are very close together. When they play together, they usually play well, but often we have misunderstandings. Sometimes it’s plain selfishness, like yesterday when one child wanted to play “hurt bird” and the other child wanted to play “camping.” Several attempts at mediation failed, simply because each person insisted that the other person play exactly when and how he or she wanted. Sometimes the problem is a combination of selfishness and misunderstanding.
I’ve been working on helping my kids know what to do when others are selfish or rude. The biggest recurring example is when one child is in the way of another. So I’ve been suggesting that the child who is trying to clear the way actually explain why he wants the other to move. “Please move so I can jump on the beanbag” or “Please move your stroller so I can launch my car into the living room.”
I’ve found that it helps a good deal of the time. It seems to communicate that the request to move is not based on irritable whim, but with good purpose, although admittedly, sometimes even a reason for a request is not enough to overcome selfishness. In those times, parental mediation is often necessary.
So now I’m wondering… is this approach biblical? Should children be kind even if their sibling is being capricious? Is a baseline of “fairness” a good way to teach them that God’s law is far greater than man’s law (you have heard…. but I say unto you….)?
Still thinking.
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Wow…we have been working on this big time in our house. lol! I’ve found recently with my older ones (6 1/2 & 8 1/2) that sometimes I have to focus just on their reaction, and altogether leave the (smaller) offense of the selfish, unmoving child.
For example, Martin wants his light sabre back from Philip, Philip refuses, Martin gets beligerent, trying to force a just response from his brother. I then usually have to step in to redirect Martin’s perspective…”if Philip decides to be selfish, how should you respond?” I suppose it is simply teaching him to give up his presupposed ‘rights’, but we haven’t quite gotten that far with our discussions. I’m really just trying to help them focus on their perspective. He might *really* want the light sabre back, but if his brother decides to be selfish, let him be selfish, and go read a book instead. It’s interesting, too, because when it plays out this way…the selfish sibling usually appears a bit miserable after a few moments, and things are soon sorted out without any prompting from me. Eureka!
1 Gina said this (November 8, 2008 at 10:04 am)
Hurray! Look what I have to look forward to! Um, how many years from now?
Thanks for this encouragement.
2 Michelle said this (November 12, 2008 at 4:55 pm)
Oh, very soon! Apparently, they do not remain toddlers forever! (Despite what I came to believe a couple of years ago. LOL)
3 Gina said this (November 14, 2008 at 4:54 pm)