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Crying over the Cereal Bowl

  • Posted on September 1, 2010 at 7:13 am

It’s Wisdom Wednesday

This week I have made good on my intention to help walk my children through applying Scripture. Today I’m writing about one of those times.

For background, my three year old is still excessively emotional, easily angered, and cries and whines when she doesn’t get her way. The hard part isn’t stopping her. She can generally stop on cue (and does, most of the time). Replacing the anger has been more challenging, so this week I’ve been walking through Philipians 4:6-7 with her.

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

I’ve explained that worry and anger crowd out peace and thankfulness. And thankfulness crowds out worry and anger. So I’ve been stopping the whining, and pointing out the good things she’s forgotten about. And I’ve been having her come up with her own things to be thankful for in the specific situation.

For example, yesterday I finished my shower to find Laurel sobbing in a heap by my door. She was upset because Bethel didn’t pour her enough cereal. Now, Bethel actually asked David for help, and they both explained to Laurel (and later to me) that they told her she could have more cereal after she finished what she had. As far as I could tell, it wasn’t mean spirited, it is consistent with how I would have handled the situation, and it was a reasonable action from the older siblings. Laurel’s response was wrong.

But, I explained to Laurel, You got your favorite cereal. You have a purple bowl (the coveted bowls and sometimes a source of more tears). Bethel let you pour your own milk. Because you were angry, you forgot about all those wonderful things. Now your turn. What else can you be thankful for?

Laurel came up with a few, came back to the table, and with a few snuffles finished her cereal (and she didn’t want more when she was finished, either).

How is Scripture changing your actions this week?

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Should Girls Climb Trees?

  • Posted on August 30, 2010 at 5:06 am

One of the challenges that mom has given me is to anticipate the lessons our children need and teach them before that time. She points out that in many ways its easier to teach a fourteen year old how to drive than a sixteen year old. If I don’t want my sixteen year old daughter comfortable in a bikini, then it’s wise to teach her why when she’s four. This is why my young daughters don’t wear bikinis: not because they are sensual on a preschooler, but because my daughters won’t always be preschoolers.

This is also why I feel strongly about teaching my children to choose good and wise friends, long before they have the ability to choose their own friends independently of parents. Skateboarding is inherently fine by me, but I’m not going to encourage my son to become a professional skateboarder. Why not? Because the skateboarding culture is godless, drug ridden, and at odds with Christ and His Word. In keeping with my mom’s encouragement to think ahead, I want to ask myself what I want my children to look like when they are adults. How do I want my daughters to behave around young men, and my son around young women?

This brings me to the question of femininity and masculinity.

Here’s an experiment: Make a list of ten activities or interests you would likely not want your ten-year-old son to pursue because they are too feminine, in some way. Now make a list of ten activities or interests you would likely not want your ten-year-old daughter to pursue, because they are too masculine. Did you do it? Did you have a harder time with one list or the other? I realize that this isn’t a challenging task for some parents, but it was for me.

That’s the trouble actually. I can think of a number of “feminine” activities that I’m not comfortable with my son doing, but I don’t tend to have the same reluctance when it comes to “masculine” activities and my girls.  That puzzles me.

Now, I don’t think that climbing trees is inappropriate for a lady of any age  but I’m particularly asking myself about neutral activities like this. If I encourage my daughters to pursue activities and habits that are in our culture understood as masculine, am I making it more difficult for her to transition to a feminine adult?

I’ll talk tomorrow more about femininity and masculinity.

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Learning to Be Wise

  • Posted on August 25, 2010 at 7:03 am

On occasion, I’ll reread something I’ve written and been completely unable to decipher what I intended to say. That’s how I felt last night, so I actually deleted my post (it was that unintelligible to me) and will repost something like it on Friday. Hopefully it will make sense.

Today is Wisdom Wednesday, and I remembered today that I wanted to write about an observation I made last week. I was rereading my original post on Wisdom Wednesday, and I noticed that I’ve been fudging a bit on my original intention.

In particular, I’ve been lecturing my children on how they can apply Scripture, and calling that wisdom. I need to do better at helping them actually think about Scripture that will help them make a decision, and then help them follow through. Ephesians 6:1 has gotten a little overused at our house lately. :) I have seen growth, though.

In school I’ve been calling them to attention by asking them to be a “wise listener.” Bethel wants to read fluently. She’s expressed a desire to be wise, so I’ve told her that the biggest thing she can do to be wise is learn to read the Bible. She’s taking that seriously and working diligently.

I’ve been using the vocabulary of Proverbs when I talk about our decisions. Yesterday, David was telling me about a decision that he was making and added “I think that is a wise decision, don’t you think so?” It made me smile, because his decision was between two playtime activities. He doesn’t yet understand the connection between wise behavior and Scripture. But he’s learning to frame the question of wisdom  when faced with a decision, and that pleases me.

Lee and I have been talking about the difference between true submission and mere compliance (accompanied by expressions of displeasure). We might be phrasing the difference with wisdom vocabulary too. I need to be reading Proverbs with this thought in mind.

With that, I must be wise and take care of my household.

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Tomboy=Biblical?

  • Posted on August 23, 2010 at 6:18 am

We’ve been listening to the Little House on the Prairie series in the car.

Since I enjoy children’s literature, I find the development of spirited heroines in the twentieth century to be greatly interesting. We like Laura, who speaks her mind and isn’t content to sit in a corner to sew demurely. Mary seems pale and uninteresting, and so she is, because the author saw her that way.

Here is my question, and I’ll spend a few days discussing what I’m thinking.

Is my perception of the development of femininity shaped more by the children’s literature I’ve read than Scripture and biblical principles?

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Followup to Battling a Slump

  • Posted on August 18, 2010 at 5:00 am

It’s Wisdom Wednesday, and here’s the good question I try to ask myself at least once a week:

How is Scripture specifically changing me this week?

No good being vague: I’ve been more diligent… I’ve been more patient…

Better to be specific: When I started off angry because I wasn’t getting my way, I remembered what God said in such and such verse and changed my attitude. Or whatever.

I guess I should have waited to post yesterday’s post today, because that’s the biggest thing I can think of. God helped me turn around and make right choices about how I used my time. My day went well, actually. Incidentally, I kind of figure I really was walking in the spirit, because I ended up several times stopping being “productive” to do kid stuff: long talk with David about guilt/ sadness/ salvation, and later in the evening my children asked me to stop cleaning and play the piano for them. Several times I had to decide (deliberately) to serve my children instead of putting them off or asking a sibling to take care of the problem.

God helped me to evaluate the importance of those interruptions (another time, and perhaps the right decision would be different), but I am encouraged since sometimes when I am diligent I know I’m not walking in spirit because I’m irritable! Now that I think of it, those “interruptions” were truly building my house wisely, although at the moment I simply stopped what I was doing to do them. God did answer my prayer for wisdom.

And my last thought of the day was: Now, the wisest thing to do with my time is go to sleep! The sleep of a righteous person is sweet. That’s true. I like going to sleep when I’ve done right and been diligent.

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Battling a Slump

  • Posted on August 17, 2010 at 7:55 am

This morning, I drank my coffee and did not feel one bit more spiritual. I knew from my lack of energy last night that I was likely going to be battling a hormonal shift, and I could already feel myself accepting in resignation that today was “not going to be a good or profitable day.”

Not a good start

But in God’s grace, I had enough forethought to ask myself what Scripture would be most helpful in my frame of mind. Where would you turn? I turned to Proverbs to find all my laziness verses. :) And I settled on this one:

Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands. Proverbs 14:1

I reminded myself that if I was going to have a good day, I would have to be deliberate, in order to overcome the natural tendency before me. After a brief moment of discontent for my personality, I then asked what I could do in order to build a wise house today. Here are a few things:

  • Put on music.
  • Get a good momentum going. If I can get all accomplished by 2:00, I can coast a bit. I still need to consider what I’ll do during the evening time (Lee is on call tonight and will not be here). Perhaps I’ll
  • Stop thinking negatively. Instead of assuming I’m at the mercy of my own mood, I can see that God has provided a way to finish my day loving my husband and children.
  • Take a shower and take the time to look nice. Sounds silly, but I know I feel better when my makeup is on and my hair is done (teeth brushed is good, too), even if I’m not going anywhere. It’s extra important to do that when I’m feeling that slump.
  • Turn off the computer. Now to do that and get back to work, so I don’t lose my margin.
  • Pray that God will help me as I build my house wisely. I’ll let you know how my day went later…

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Parenting-by-Proxy Part 2

  • Posted on August 16, 2010 at 5:00 am

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how my children respond to sinning siblings and friends.

When we sat at lunch last week, I spent some time talking about the responsibility a mom and a dad have to teach and discipline their children. (I’m really interested in their responsibility, but talking about something they need to know indirectly seems to result in children a little more verbally interactive and less defensive.)

I asked if they could think of a verse where God gives parents the authority and responsibility to discipline their children. They correctly identified Ephesians 6:1 as a good example (it specifically demonstrates to children that they must submit to the authority of their parents, but it works). I gave them a couple more.

Then I asked if God gave siblings the authority and responsibility to discipline and teach their brothers and sisters. They giggled a bit, and we all agreed that God didn’t command brothers and sisters to obey each other.

Or did He?

I asked them what Cain meant when he said “Am I my brother’s keeper?” We talked about how, although brothers and sisters don’t have the same authority and responsibility to each other than parents and children have, they still have a responsibility to each other.

Then I told them that Jesus talked about our relationship with brothers and sisters, too. (I didn’t go into the distinction between spiritual siblings and biological ones.) We looked at Matthew 7.

“Judge not, that you be not judged. 2 For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. 3 And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? 5 Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. Matthew 7:1-5

We discussed what Jesus was talking about. Then I asked them what the problem was when one sibling called out to mom “David’s not cleaning his room” while at the same time having a messy room.

I asked them how they could love their sibling, and whether it was right to leave one’s messy room and start cleaning brother’s room. I referenced “Love does not look on her own interests.” That passage really addresses the motives for “helping.” We decided that it was probably loving to clean up one’s room first, and then go help brother clean his room. Or encourage him. Or pray for him. Lots of responses. (sometimes it is appropriate to tell mom. We didn’t talk about that response this time, but we have in the past, and we will in the future!)

Several times since this discussion, I’ve referred back to these passages. I’m interested in how often a discussion like this one sometimes lasts for days and weeks. Now, I see the connection between how my children deal with problems, and passages in Scripture that directly address motives and actions. Cool.

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Parenting-by-Proxy Problem

  • Posted on August 13, 2010 at 5:40 am

Typical Scenario:

David is instructed to pray with siblings and start eating lunch while mom finishes folding clothes.

Mom enters the room five minutes later to find no prayers said, a few nibbles out of Bethel and Laurel’s sandwiches, no prayer said, and David trying to keep a grip on his sister’s hand.

When asked why no prayer has been said, David replies, “Laurel is not sitting up in her chair.”

Another typical scenario:

Mom hears Laurel calling for help. When she comes upstairs, Mom asks Bethel (who is standing next to Laurel), “Why didn’t you help your sister?” Bethel answers “Because she wasn’t asking without whining.”

In these scenarios, my children are responding to a sinning sibling by imitating mom and dad’s parenting style. The problem is that mom and dad have a responsibility and authority that children do not have. That makes the “intervention” obnoxious and often ill-received.

So, on the quest to biblically define the problem behavior and motivation, and then biblically identify its replacement, I discovered that my children look remarkably similar to us adult believers when we attempt to correct fellow believers (loving confrontation, of course) without love and grace. This observation is going to help me help them, and I suspect God is going to teach me some lessons as well.

On Monday, I’ll tell you what Scriptures I’ve been sharing and what we’ve been talking about.

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The Importance of Choosing Friends

  • Posted on August 10, 2010 at 5:00 am

It has been fun to watch God answer prayer regarding friends, just in this last week.

  • God allowed me to see occasions where young people my children admire greatly demonstrated genuine Christian love and character. I bragged for a long time about those friends on the way home from church, and told my children how pleased I was that they were choosing wise friends to admire.
  • God is helping my own children to seek out sweet children, some with a relationship with Christ.
  • God has helped me to deny my own preferences (to be a hermit) in order to allow my children more time at church playing with others. (Tonight we left at 9:00!) It was a blessing to seem them interacting with others.
  • God has helped me to find several like minded families in our church with children our own children’s ages who also live within driving distance and whose schedules permit getting together.
  • God is reminding me that finding friends, organizing play dates, and teaching my children what to value in friends is time worth spent. It’s not something I would have felt an urgency about had I not been thrown into a new environment, far from my comfort zone. (Once again, He’s used the military in my life for good.) It is far too easy to go along with the status quo and just be happy that my children are out of trouble and not bothering me, even when they’re playing with good Christian children.

I am still praying. I’ve noticed some areas where our children need more instruction. I realize that I need to help my five year old learn her friends’ names. Not knowing who she is playing with makes her feel friendless at times. I need wisdom on making wise choices with time and priorities.

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Babysitter or Mother?

  • Posted on August 9, 2010 at 5:16 am

I am not merely a babysitter.

I’m merely reminding myself of definitions here. We know how important definitions are, don’t we? My mother gently reminded me of the distinction when I was talking about the overwhelming task of shaping desires and occupying minds. “You’re not a babysitter. Being a mother is a lot more work!”

On our street, we have several families who employ babysitters all day for the school age children while the parents work. It’s been interesting to me to ask myself as I watch these sitters interact with the children, “Am I seeing my job as a glorified day care worker? Am I merely watching my children to make sure they don’t hurt themselves, each other, or the house?” These are good babysitters, but I am not a babysitter.

I am different. I have a vision for the future. A mandate. A responsibility to make choices that are best for my children, not merely what make me feel important or successful (by the world or other “Bible” moms).

It’s not smothering children to show them ways they can occupy themselves while they play. It takes time to set up a new game, prepare for a messy craft, or work out the details of a play (complete with costumes and props). I’m not merely filling the moment; I’m preparing them for when I won’t be there. I’m deliberately working my way out of a job.

That’s all for now.

I am not merely a babysitter.

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