As4Me Thinking through the process of finding wisdom.

On Thursdays, I’ve been meeting with some moms who have a desire to learn what the Bible has to say about child rearing. We talk about how we can each apply God’s Word to our own lives. None of us have all the answers, and it’s most fun when everyone participates in the discussion. We spend a good amount of time praying for each other.

Getting together for a craft day, or a play group, can be profitable, but true biblical mutual edification– that’s priceless.

Yesterday was a catch up day, since two ladies are new, and we started with Chapter 1 of Parenting with Wisdom. The driving question, one that is constantly before me is… what makes Christian parenting truly Christian? Here is the key thought from the book:

Christian parenting is built on the foundation of God’s love and the authority of God’s Word. The primary focus is on raising children for the glory of God, by God’s strength and grace. A non-Christian philosophy of  parenting has as its focus raising children for the glory of the parent through the parent’s skill and ability to provide an ideal environment.

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Here is Part One of the Heartfelt Discipline Review, in case you missed it.

In Chapter 3, Clarkson makes his case for why he believes the Proverbs verses do not apply to young children, and why they don’t apply for in the NT era for older children.

Bob Achilles really does an excellent job challenging Clarkson’s exegesis. I appreciate his words more having read the chapter. If you haven’t read it, go back to Part One and follow the link.

Clarkson interprets Proverbs 22:6, the “key that opens a locked door [in understanding biblical discipline],” in this way:

Dedicate a young man to following God’s way of wisdom. Even when he is a grown man, he will not turn aside from that way.

He reasons that the word translated child is ambiguous (which it is) and that we must look at the context to determine its meaning (we must). But for the life of me, this verse makes little sense as he has interpreted it. The context makes far more sense if the child is young.

A few sentences from the final paragraph of Chapter 3 are worth examining:

When I finally began to “spare the rod,” I naturally wondered about the biblical alternative to rod-based discipline. Answering that question has shown me not only a heart-oriented approach to discipline, but also a biblical relationship with my children.

It appears that Clarkson has set up a false dichotomy. Is spanking of any sort mutually exclusive with developing a biblical relationship with my children? Clarkson appears to fear so, and this concern appears to drive his discipline choices. I’m concerned that Clarkson is setting a precedent for an emotionally-based discipline decision making process (this doesn’t feel loving, it must not be what God means when He says X, I’ve come to Y conclusion). On the other hand, I do believe a parent can be so focussed on spanking that he neglects to address the heart. Because of this danger, I am very interested in what “alternatives” he has in mind. I don’t have a corner on reaching the heart of my children.

The title of Chapter 4 is “Parenting by Faith: The Bible’s Formula-Free Approach to Discipline.”
When you discipline your children, three primary sources of control can come into play: flesh, formula, and faith. You can allow one or all of these to guide how you relate to your children, but most parents gravitate toward one over the others (p. 61).

Yes, I know I can discipline in the flesh. That’s a convicting thought, and Clarkson gives good examples: yelling at our children, lording our authority over our children. But then he says something that makes me uncomfortable. “It’s the fleshly part of me that says, ‘I can make my kids submit to me by using the force of my will and the strength of my own hand.’ ”

Here we’re back to the problem of an author forgetting about what parenting a toddler is like. I agree with Clarkson to the extent that ultimately, making our children submit is an inadequate approach. But there are many times in real life as a mother of three children under four years when I do make my kids submit on the outside. I’m well aware of the rebellious thoughts on the inside, and we deal with those thoughts, but I don’t think it follows that it is fleshly to make the child submit. It’s important not to equate outside compliance with inward spiritual fruit, I agree, but I don’t think the external must necessarily follow the internal. As my children get older, then Clarkson is really right– your children get to an age where you cannot force them to comply.

Clarkson’s discussion on parents’ desire for simple steps, a foolproof formula, is excellent. Some will disagree with his characterization of spankers as following a formula, but I can see a tendency of any mother to rely on a single parenting technique, including spanking. One mother’s formula is a spanking, another mother’s formula is time out. I do appreciate Clarkson’s desire for parents to consider the bigger picture of discipline (i.e., there’s more to discipline than spanking).

The alternative, “discipline by faith,” is summed up here: “[God] wanted us to depend on Him– on the power of His Spirit and the wisdom of His Word– rather than on formulas, experts, or our parenting skills.” Easier said than done, of course. Key to accomplishing this is understanding the role of the Holy Spirit in our lives.

What God is doing in you will change your children’s lives, but what you do as a parent whose heart belongs to God will also change your life. God, through the Holy Spirit, is not only working through you, but in you as you live for Him at home…. As you become more like Christ, your children should be the first to be touched by that change (p.66).

To many Christians [walking in the Spirit] sounds mystical. How do you know when you’re walking in the Spirit? It’s not that hard, really. First, be sure you’ve confessed any known sins. Your heart has to be right with God. Second, saturate your life with the Word of God. The Holy Spirit speaks to your heart mostly with the words of Scripture. Third, talk to God by letting prayer become a part of your thought processes all day long. Finally don’t live in fear of displeasing God, but live in faith that pleases Him (p. 67).

Those thoughts are enough to keep me thinking for a long time.

Click here for Part 3

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Heartfelt Discipline by Clay Clarkson is not in print at the time of this post, but you can obtain a used copy here.

Clarkson and his wife Sally come from a Christian (evangelical) perspective, hold an anti-spanking viewpoint (although I think he believes it’s not forbidden; merely that Scripture doesn’t teach it, and it is not the best way), and have written a number of books on motherhood, education, and the role of the family. These books have give them a following among some fundamentalists, even those who disagree with their spanking views. I was finally compelled to purchase a copy after reading this review by Bob Achilles, a pastor in northern California. We’ll see how accurate his review was.

I’ve read the first half and skimmed the second half. Now I’ll go back and read the second half more carefully. There’s much I disagree with, but there’s also good material that could be helpful and insightful.

Clarkson’s book begins with a discussion on the “discipline puzzle.” He correctly states that many Christian parents don’t really know what biblical discipline is. I think I’m going to agree with him. Discipline does not equal spanking. I really believe that whatever your views on spanking, if we use discipline as a synonym for spanking (or any single parenting technique), we subtly deemphasize the need for instruction. Consider the prominence instruction and teaching have in the book of Proverbs.

In Chapter One, Clarkson introduces a metaphor from Scripture, the parable of the soils. Clarkson states that parents have the responsibility to prepare the soil as well as sow the seed of the gospel. Trouble is, I am not sure how “preparing the soil” is any different from “sowing the seed of the gospel.” And in the biblical passage, I’ve always considered it the Holy Spirit’s role to prepare the soil. I get the feeling that he’s extending this metaphor beyond its usability. All in all, without quibbling, the first chapter sounds a lot like Ted Tripp in Shepherding a Child’s Heart: It’s more important to consider what’s in the heart, what’s motivating behavior, than simply stopping the bad behavior. That’s good, although I think for this topic, Tripp is more clear and easily understood.

Chapter 2 contains “four general truths regarding the biblical view of childhood that lay a foundation for this book’s discussion of discipline.” Here are the four core truths:

1. Childhood is a divinely designed stage of life.
2. A child’s heart is divinely open to parental influence.
3. A child’s mind is divinely prepared for believing in God.
4. A child’s soul is divinely protected by the heavenly Father.

He correctly assesses the incorrect perception of children in our society. I like this quote:

One current notion of childhood views is as a magical time during which certain markers of personhood begin to emerge, but the child is somehow a “pre-person”– incomplete, innocent, and naive. According to this view, the best thing parents can do is allow their child to experience childhood in all its mystical, Disneyfied wonder. Soon enough, the argument goes, that child will emerge from this protected time of life as a teenager, and then everything changes.

Of note is that he holds that children are sinners, but not culpable, until they reach the age of accountability. “[S]ome scriptures indicate that there is a time when a child becomes aware of right and wrong, and only then does the child become morally accountable to God.” Then he gives an example I hadn’t considered before: the children of Israel who were allowed to go into the promised land. The passage he gives is Deuteronomy 1:39, where the language is “little ones” and “you sons who this day have no knowledge of good or evil.” This gives the impression that only little ones who have no knowledge of good or evil went into the promised land. But in the narrative, Moses indicates that those aged 20 and younger would be able to enter the promised land after 40 years (Numbers 14:29). It’s thought provoking, but I think the use of this example indicates a less that reliable use of Scripture. The problem is, he’s also asking me to also believe a novel interpretation about discipline passages. I’m not growing in confidence in his ability to rightly divide the word of truth.

I’m not sure I can see the biblical basis or necessity of any of his four truths, though he gives Scripture references. He seems like he’s making Scripture to mean more than it says. In any case, I’m ready to get to the substance of what he has to say.

Read Further: Part 2 and Part 3.

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Assertive Discipline for Parents by Lee and Marlene Canter

Basic beliefs: unsaved perspective; non spanking; other punitive measures okay. (I see a chart developing in my mind’s eye.) The Canters became well known for the effectiveness of their Assertive Discipline programs for schools.

The Review: This is a quick, easy read, appropriate especially for parents of school age children and teenagers. It basically outlines the three-step process of “assertive discipline,” which is the Canter’s term for “act like the authority you are.” There is also a chapter on school problems, a chapter on getting help from your spouse, and a chapter of questions and answers. The Canters highly recommend logical consequences for behavior (both positive and negative), so they have also written a few appendices with suggestions for consequences.

The first chapter describes ineffective responses to children. If you’re honest, you’ll see yourself in some of these responses, even if occasionally. One response is the statement of fact: “You’re still not doing what I want.” The Canters explain that “this response assumes your children are not aware of what they are doing and that if they were, they would stop their misbehavior. Unfortunately, most children are fully aware that they are doing something you do not want them to do, and telling them what they are doing does not communicate what you really want, which is for them to stop.” They do not appear to believe in the innate goodness of man.

The second chapter was the most helpful for me. I will admit that one of my weaknesses as a mom of more than one child is that I can be somewhat distracted when giving a command. And I’ve noticed more than once that my children, particularly my two year old, are good at exploiting my lack of awareness. Thus, Chapter 2, on Communicate Assertively, is the most helpful, from my perspective. In some ways it describes what I’ve observed with Bethel in particular, that when I give out a command without looking her in the eye, asking for a response, and watching to make sure she obeys, she tends to ignore what I say. One helpful concept discussed that I’ve not done much of, but I can see how it would help me, is to touch the child when giving a command. Just a gentle hand on the shoulder can do wonders. Funny, I used this to my advantage when teaching school, but I don’t think I’ve consciously done it with my children.

The second and third steps will be the most controversial for Christians, since they may not agree with the consequences the Canters recommend, but the basic steps are quite reasonable: Back up your words with actions, and Lay down the law. It’s somewhat amusing, but one action that the Canters seem to like is solitary confinement in one’s room. Now I have effectively had my kids go to their room to help them settle down, or reset when they’re struggling, but I’m not a big fan of sending a child to his room for extended periods of time. They have good suggestions for parenting when you are away from home that would be very helpful for a working mother.

In the Q&A chapter, the Canters are emphatic that there is no relationship between child behavior and working mothers. I feel so strongly about mothers staying home with their children, that I must state clearly that I disagree with their assessment. While working is not an excuse for poor parenting when you are home, you cannot parent when you are apart from your child. Granted, the book is really targeted toward school age children (and not infants and preschool children who need more teaching and attention), but I still believe their conclusions are wrong.

I purchased this book because my husband wanted a book for unsaved parents who have figured out that they blew it by allowing their children to run the household as toddlers and preschoolers, and are reaping the consequences of their permissiveness. This book seems quite appropriate for this audience, although I suspect many Christian parents will consider the book fairly basic review. Still, sometimes we fundamentalists spend our time defending spanking so much that we fail to consider other effective methods of dealing with misbehavior. This book can put some more tools in those parents’ toolboxes.

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A Child’s Look at the 23rd Psalm by Philip Keller

I mentioned awhile back (a very long back) that as we were teaching Isaiah 53:6 to David and Bethel I wanted to get this book to supplement our discussion of sheep. I had this book when I was a child and enjoyed it very much. I know my mom uses this book when counseling children who have been abused.

I finally purchased it, and read through it last night. It’s written so that my children ages two and three can understand it when read to them (I’ve started reading chapter books to them at naptime while they’re lying down. Bethel usually falls asleep listening, and David stays awake). I’d say an advanced second or third grader might tackle the book on his own, but a typical 4-6th grader would be able to read it just fine. It would make a great discussion book for family devotions or a Sunday school class.

I’d say the biggest weakness of the book is in its explanation of salvation. I don’t think its wrong, just a little too vague. I’m opposed to the sentence “ask Jesus in your heart,” for example. For this reason, I’m not sure I’d give the book to a child who is not saved. If I’m reading it to my kids, I’ll skip the salvation parts or explain them better.

The emphasis on finding our joy in a relationship with our good shepherd is excellent. The sheep and shepherd facts are interesting. Line drawings on every page and descriptions about sheep and real life shepherds are appealing to children.

Really, I like this genre. There are very few spiritual books for children of this sort. Most that I’ve seen have a story, then spiritual discussion. As a kid, I always read the story and skipped the spiritual discussions, so I think a good author is wise not to have such a discrete difference. I like the nonfiction approach, using a topic of interest to children to teach spiritual truth.

The book is out of print, but you can get one used, or if you have older children you might just get the adult version (A Shepherd Looks at the 23rd Psalm) which is still in print. Lessons from a Sheep Dog is also back in print. I enjoyed this book very much as a child, too.

Some of us are like that [sheep with an unkind owner] too. We never come into the good, generous care of God. We do not really know and follow Christ. We have never been set free from our old owner. Who is that? It may be ourselves. We think we can be our own boss…. If we are wise, we will let Christ, the Good Shepherd, take over our lives. We do this by inviting Him into our hearts.

The surprising and wonderful thing is that when the shepherd is there, they feel safe. When he is near, their fears fade away. They settle down, and soon they are at rest. We sometimes have fears. When something new or frightening happens to us we want to run or hide. We think the best defense is simply to get away. Really, we don’t have to live like that. Jesus Christ, our Good Shepherd, is always near. He tells us, “I am with you always.”

Strange to say, some sheep, in their stupidity, will choose to drink from dirty pools and polluted ponds. Here the water is murky and dangerous. It is where the sheep often pick up disease. Because parasites– tiny, disease-producing forms of life– live in stale, stagnant water. Some of us are like these foolish sheep. We seem to prefer to drink from the mudholes of our world. I do not mean just running the risk of drinking bad water, or even the dangers of toying with alcoholic drinks or drugs. But most important, I mean trying to satisfy ourselves with habits that can never fill our longing for the Lord. You see, God made us for Himself. Only as we come to Him, whose life flows out happily like a singing stream, can we be fully refreshed, fully satisfied.

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