15July2008

Exaggeration when Teaching

Posted by Michelle under: Communication and Meaning.

Exaggeration is a great tool for teaching toddlers and preschoolers. Consider the challenges young children face in learning language. Time? Even my five year old has difficulty with this concept. If/then statements? my baby hears the last word and adds a “now” in order to understand them. Thus, “If you eat your peas, you can eat your cake” becomes “cake now” and life can be a mini tragedy when cake now doesn’t happen.

My husband recommends that I note that exaggeration (either hyperbole or litote) can communicate untruths, and this is not what I’m talking about here. I try hard not to say “Just a minute” unless it is really a minute. I don’t feel comfortable pretending to leave a child who is slow to obey. Exaggeration can be used to evil as well as good.

However, any tool we can use to help them understand language, extend their attention, and apply biblical truths is invaluable. I have found exaggeration to be one of the best for early childhood. Here’s what it looks like in our house:

• Repeating instruction more simply, or in a different structure. In its simplest form, I simply follow a word I know my children don’t understand with one they do. A little more complex, a passive voice sentence might be changed to active voice. I make these decisions when I sense that my children don’t understand what I’m saying, and sometimes I just do it automatically. After If you eat peas, then you get cake, I might say, Eat peas FIRST. Cake LATER. (Yes, it takes some practice to get it right and sometimes I repeat a sentence three times before I see a glimmer of understanding.) The rule of thumb I often use when explaining something difficult is the same number of words baby is using to speak, plus one. Since my twenty month old is primarily using two sentences, I’ll try to keep my sentences to three words when explaining something to her. I don’t keep track after their language jumps around age three.
• Emphasizing particular words is helpful. The most obvious example might be emphasizing a not or a no.
• A silly voice adds interest and conveys meaning (i.e., pouty voice, or an angry voice). If I’m reading the Bible, I can keep their attention by exaggerating the mood of a speaker. If I’m reading about Nebuchadnezzar, I can read his words in a pompous style. If I’m reading about Saul pouting, I can stick out my lower lip and knit my brows as I talk.
• Exaggeration when giving examples is helpful. Let’s say that I’m trying to help them understand what the Bible says about finding wise friends. I’ll ask them, What if a friend says, Let’s not obey, is that a wise or foolish friend? My example is a little extreme on purpose. It’s not likely that a friend is going to say it that plainly, but it helps them when they’re just trying to understand the basic concept.

These are just a couple that I find myself using throughout the day.

Popularity: 9% [?]

Popularity: 9% [?]

27June2008

Over and Over and Over and Over

Posted by Michelle under: Attention.

I’ve been interested in the difference in attention to audio books when the children are familiar with the story and when they are not. For example, Bethel loves Peter and the Wolf, but that’s because she listens to it every day. The first time she listened to it, she wasn’t interested at all. That’s been very useful today since we’ve been in the car all day. I have a few new stories I’ve downloaded, but they’re not as interested in them as they are the ones they know. I don’t know why I am surprised. That’s true of the pure classical music I play a lot. They love the Surprise Symphony because they’re not surprised. And a few simple puzzles are enjoyed repeatedly, because they are familiar. It’s true of books they enjoy. I have some books that stretch them a bit, but because I’ve read them to them several times, they pay good attention.

We learn by repetition. Familiarity is important for very young children. That’s why the Bible stories they hear are good for them. I’m going to venture that this is why a young child can be attentive when Scripture is read frequently in the home, and why some others have great difficulty (although to be sure, personality is a large component).

What I’m really thinking about is the repetition needed to learn how to share, how to obey, and how to get along with others. I get frustrated because I gave the same lecture yesterday, or, horrors, five minutes ago. Instead, I should be thankful that I have the time to repeat the same lecture, share the same Scriptures, day after day. I should not be weary in doing good.

Popularity: 41% [?]

Popularity: 41% [?]

24June2008

Fear of Man and Following the Crowd

Posted by Michelle under: Fear.

Yesterday morning I was reading about Rehoboam and Jereboam, Solomon’s sons. I figured it would be a good topic of discussion at breakfast this morning.

I asked David and Bethel if they thought King Solomon’s children would be wise, since they had such a wise daddy. I told them that I was going to read from the Bible a part that would tell them whether they were wise or foolish.

So I read First Kings 12:6-14.

Then King Rehoboam consulted the elders who stood before his father Solomon while he still lived, and he said, “How do you advise me to answer these people?” And they spoke to him, saying, “If you will be a servant to these people today, and serve them, and answer them, and speak good words to them, then they will be your servants forever.” But he rejected the advice which the elders had given him, and consulted the young men who had grown up with him, who stood before him. And he said to them, “What advice do you give? How should we answer this people who have spoken to me, saying, ‘Lighten the yoke which your father put on us’?” Then the young men who had grown up with him spoke to him, saying, “Thus you should speak to this people who have spoken to you, saying, ‘Your father made our yoke heavy, but you make it lighter on us’—thus you shall say to them: ‘My little finger shall be thicker than my father’s waist! And now, whereas my father put a heavy yoke on you, I will add to your yoke; my father chastised you with whips, but I will chastise you with scourges!’” So Jeroboam and all the people came to Rehoboam the third day, as the king had directed, saying, “Come back to me the third day.” Then the king answered the people roughly, and rejected the advice which the elders had given him; and he spoke to them according to the advice of the young men, saying, “My father made your yoke heavy, but I will add to your yoke; my father chastised you with whips, but I will chastise you with scourges!”

I asked a lot of questions in this conversation, mostly because they needed the help understanding what we were talking about! I wanted them to understand that advice that sounds pleasant isn’t always the best advice. I also wanted to point out the difference between asking advice of wise elderly people, and unwise young people, although I don’t think that is the biggest problem here with Rehoboam. (Just because a person is an adult, doesn’t mean that he is wise) All this is with the long-term goal of protecting them from being overly influenced by the crowd. Since we don’t naturally stand in the face of opposition, and we naturally have the fear of man, I want to teach them what it looks like.

Today at breakfast, I’ll read about David and Goliath for contrast. I’ll point out that David was different because he feared God more than man.

Popularity: 45% [?]

Popularity: 45% [?]

16June2008

Should I Ever Ignore Anger?

Posted by Michelle under: Emotions; Uncategorized.

These comments are in response to Diane’s comments here:

I don’t think we are ignoring it if we are displaying correct behavior on our part (which is your quest, from what I’ve read…mine too!) and teaching our kids to choose and model correct reactions (also on your 24/7 to-do list, I’ve seen). Those things are “gold” for those tiny ones. More is caught than taught when they are little bitty, I believe.

Diane, I think what you’re saying is that verbally correcting anger (as opposed to spanking for it) is an appropriate action. You seem to be making a distinction between various modes of responding to a problem, but maintaining a need to always respond. I like that.

First Thessalonians seems to give us insight that different actions fit different personalities and situations.

Now we exhort you, brethren, warn them that are unruly, comfort the feebleminded, support the weak, be patient toward all men. I Thessalonians 5:14

What we don’t see from this scripture is whether not responding at all might not be a right response.

I’ve experienced times where my baby (19 months) is so angry that she is completely irrational. I can tell her that her behavior is sinful, but she won’t hear me. I can spank her, but that doesn’t stop the screaming. At some point, it seems as though the best action is to put her in her bedroom with happy music and let her come out when she is happy again. I can relate. Since I have always turned into a pumpkin at ten o’clock, I have several memories of crying late at night and my father saying gently, “Go to sleep, dear. It will be better in the morning, and then we can talk.” Even as an adult, my husband has also found that line of use occasionally.

On the other hand, I’ve noticed my older children display the same anger more subtly. They’re not irrational or completely out of control like the baby can be, so I do correct this verbally in some way. I’m actually very consistent in responding.

I’m starting to see a little more clearly that my indecision is mostly related to “stopping screaming” (and as a related issue, “stopping crying”). I know of parents who spank to stop screaming and crying, and I’ve just not ever done it.

When Diane asks whether we as parents should ever ignore sin, there’s an underlying question that might help us come to a decision.

Maybe this is ignorant or overly-simple minded…but if anger is sinful behavior (regardless of the reason, except if it is “righteouse indignation”) then should it ever be ignored??

This question makes me wonder, Does God ever ignore our sin?

On the surface, we might say, absolutely not. Here are some verses that I’ve been thinking about along these lines.

If thou, LORD, shouldest mark iniquities, O Lord, who shall stand? Psalm 103:3

Hatred stirreth up strifes: but love covereth all sins. Proverbs 10:12

Popularity: 78% [?]

Popularity: 78% [?]

5June2008

Ignore Anger or Address It?

Posted by Michelle under: Emotions; Uncategorized.

I’ve heard conflicting advice from people I respect about responding to anger with infants. Sometimes you’re supposed to ignore it: if he’s throwing a fit to get attention, then that advice makes sense. Other times, you’re supposed to stop it. Obviously if he’s hurting himself or others, that’s a good approach.

A good many times the correct response is not as obvious. I have an eighteen month old child who is learning about anger. I’ve noticed that sometimes I ignore her, and other times I respond. My response is usually consistent, but not always.

Is there any Scripture that will help me know how to respond? For sake of illustration, let’s consider the four-prong approach I described earlier.

First, let’s examine the possible underlying contributions and consider what could be contributing to or motivating fits of anger. These aren’t necessarily sin issues. Sometimes a particular personality is more prone to a particular challenge. In this case, you have the personality contributing to the problem as well as the sinful motivation at times. Sometimes there’s a need to be taught a particular concept. It doesn’t matter at this point what might be contributing to the challenge; it is more important that we’re considering as much as we can.

• Maybe she’s trying to get attention.
• Maybe she’s frustrated in trying to communicate.
• She might be hungry or sleepy.
• She might be imitating a peer, sibling, or parent.
• She might be exposed to anger on television.
• There’s a good chance someone has taken away her toy and she’s expressing her opinion of the theft.
• She also might be expressing her desire to go her own way instead of what mom told her to do. That would be rebellion. She might be angry because she is powerless to have her own way. The specific situation is going to give me more information. When is she angry? Under what circumstances?

There are certainly a good deal more motivations that I haven’t covered, and a mother is going to need wisdom as she considers what might be motivating the behavior causing concern. The age of the child sometimes makes a considerable difference in motivation. I find it helpful to try to make the distinction between developmental and spiritual contributions to the behavior, but at this point I’m simply brainstorming. It’s also easy to stay too vague: sin causes anger; pride causes anger. I want a little more detail, so I’m going to consider what they want, and what they believe about the situation.

Now let’s consider possible parental contributions.

• Maybe I have neglected to teach (how to ask for help, for example).
• Maybe I surrender my authority in some way when she is angry. If it works once, she’ll do it again.
• Perhaps I’m focused on my to-do list that I’m ignoring legitimate needs and desires.
• I might be modeling anger myself (either at others or in how I interact with my children).

To be sure, it is possible that a parent has contributed in no way to the anger. Still, we are commanded to respond to the log in our own eyes before we respond to our children’s struggles. I don’t think this means we have to be perfect before we teach, but we should at least be seeking repentance for the sin issues in our lives.

Judge not, that you be not judged. 2 For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. 3 And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? 5 Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. Matthew 7:1-5

Now I will intend to narrow down my list of possibilities into my best guess of the underlying contributions. Then I’ll work on understanding what to put off, renew, and put on. First I’ll address anything I need to put off and put on, then I’ll consider practical solutions to resolve contributions that are not sinful behaviors, and finally I’ll consider helping my child replace sinful behavior with righteous behavior. We’ll do that with the next post.

In the meantime, can you think of motivations and contributing factors that I have missed?

Popularity: 63% [?]

Popularity: 63% [?]

21May2008

Wisdom Project Followup

Posted by Michelle under: Communication and Meaning; Wisdom.

Biblical wisdom isn’t knowing how to make half a dozen young children stand in a straight line, and sit in their chairs quietly while you get your hair cut. Wisdom isn’t the same thing as good advice from a godly friend. Biblical wisdom comes from God’s Word. In fact, Jesus reminds us that a wise mother is one who hears His Word and obeys it (Matthew 7:24-27).

I’m hoping to teach my children to value wisdom. For a description of the wisdom project, click here first.

One of the surprises of the wisdom project I’ve been doing is how much my older children (ages five and three) actually interact with me, instead of just me talking the whole time. This has been exciting.

Here are the questions they’ve asked me:

• Is wisdom when you are nice to people? Here David is trying to figure out what wisdom actually is. I smiled, because I remember wrestling with defining wisdom as a child, too. I said yes, because God tells us to be kind to others, and Jesus said wisdom is when we hear God’s Word and obey it.
• Will wisdom help people understand? This was one of the first times I’ve heard David ask a spontaneous question specifically related to something I’ve read in the Bible. He heard the word understanding as I read.
  I suspect he was thinking about understanding wisdom, but maybe that’s just wistful thinking.
• Does wisdom make people go to church? This is an interesting question, because wise people want to learn (Proverbs 1:5), and they clearly understood and remembered this characteristic. My response was Some people go to church because they want to learn. They are wise. Some people go to church because they want other people to think they are wise, not because they want to learn.
• Is a fool someone who does not obey God? Again, David is trying to develop a definition. I told him that a fool is someone who does not even want to obey God.

One of the characteristics they caught on their own was that wisdom causes people not to be afraid (see Proverbs 3:24). Since children are often fearful at night, they easily recognized what a treasure wisdom is. Bethel observed that she is afraid of the dark when Daddy closes the door. I told her that wisdom will help her to trust that God will take care of her in the dark. Bethel isn’t grasping enough while I read to get the characteristics on her own, but when I plainly tell her, she understands and is eager to contribute. I wrote her comment down, too, even though it wasn’t a question.

“Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock.

And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.”

Matthew 7:24-27

Popularity: 79% [?]

Popularity: 79% [?]

20May2008

Wisdom Project

Posted by Michelle under: Communication and Meaning; Wisdom.

Sometimes in the mornings, I read the Bible to my children. Last week, I decided that I wanted to focus on wisdom, and I got a good idea.

I had some old posterboard that I pulled out and I drew three columns, labeling each column: wise, simple, foolish. Since King Solomon said that finding wisdom was like finding treasure and jewels, we put jewels on our chart. I let the children glue some foam beads I had all along the column edges. I told them the beads were like jewels (fake jewels from a hobby store would have been nice, but I didn’t want to put off the project to get supplies). I’m not a perfectionist; I’m sure some artsy types could make this look really great. I just wanted it to look great to my children.

Then I told the children that we were going to compile words from the Bible that tell us about these three kinds of people. I would read the chapter, and then when they heard something that fit on our chart, we’d write it down.

We’ve been doing it all week. I’ve adapted it some from my early intentions. They’re not old enough to catch the characteristics without some exaggeration, emphasis, and pointed questions when I read. I’ve also not been reading the whole chapters because I don’t want to discourage them. Basically I read the chapter until I see their eyes start to wander, and then I read a verse that they can grasp in this context. I also learned that it was a good idea to read the chapter ahead of time and have an idea of what verses I was going to emphasize.

Another change I made was that I started writing down their questions about wisdom on the chart. David started asking questions, and he asked if I was going to write them down. Writing down the questions motivates them to think of things to ask, and often it’s related to what I’m reading. I could let them draw pictures that match

They’re excited about the project, and that makes me excited. I’ll give some specific questions and conversations tomorrow.

Popularity: 90% [?]

Popularity: 90% [?]

19May2008

Forgetting the Sunday School Lesson

Posted by Michelle under: Attention; Using Questions.

Today I asked David what he learned in children’s church. Try as I could, I could not get an answer out of him. I asked him whether he was being a wise listener. He insisted he listened, but he could not remember a single detail about what happened.

It is possible that fatigue had something to do with it. Lee and I were out on a date Saturday night, and the dear babysitter was bamboozled into letting them all stay up until nearly ten o’clock. And David was up around six, which is a bit earlier than normal.

I’m not certain that he cannot remember anything. Because of David’s personality, he doesn’t like pointed questioning. I need wisdom to know how to keep him talking. I’d like to get to a point where we actually discuss the lessons.

Any ideas?

Popularity: 83% [?]

Popularity: 83% [?]

13May2008

Define “Gloating” Biblically

Posted by Michelle under: Communication and Meaning.

How do I frame gloating in biblical language?

Here is the conversation: “I have the Richard Scarry book. I’m so glad I have the Richard Scarry book.” and the unstated “you don’t have it.”

It’s not exactly rejoicing when your enemy falls, although I think that’s close.

Do not rejoice when your enemy falls, And do not let your heart be glad when he stumbles; Proverbs 24:17

Any thoughts?

Popularity: 40% [?]

Popularity: 40% [?]

25April2008

Preventing Christian Nerds

Posted by Michelle under: Child Development.

I remember quite clearly when I was in high school an unsaved coworker “interpreted” a conversation on popular music for me, explaining references that were beyond my knowledge. At the other person’s puzzled look, my friend said, “She knows a lot about classical music, but she knows nothing about pop or rock.” The exact response was “Ohhhh. That’s cool… in a weird sort of way.”

This event was surprising to me because I had expected a negative response to my oddness, but in fact it was respected… in a weird sort of way. I’m not going to spend time discussing whether the oddness is good or bad, or whether some forms of oddness should be prevented. I think those answers will come as we consider a different question. When is it okay to take steps in order to prevent social awkwardness?

• Most importantly, my motives must be primarily concerned about the testimony of Christ, not my own desire for “cool kids.” Probably every person can think of a variety of people in his experience who have been offensive and repulsive. We naturally want our children to avoid these traps, but if our motive is for them to avoid embarrassment or offensiveness, we will make bad decisions. Sometimes doing right in itself causes embarrassment and offensiveness. If instead, our motive is for the glory of God, then we have a better basis from which to act.
• We must distinguish the state of being odd with sinful arrogance, impatience, and self absorption. I suspect much of what we want our children to avoid is simply sinful behavior, completely separate from what movies our children enjoy or their ability to talk with unsaved children. Instead of addressing the sinful and offensive behavior that hurts the cause of Christ, parents may focus on hobbies or interaction with popular culture and unsaved people. Sadly, the sinfulness remains regardless of the measures taken to prevent nerdness.
• It is helpful to first distinguish between personality and skill. We often forget that some children have God-given personalities that are more or less aware socially, regardless of environment or upbringing. Those who are intelligent socially must have love and patience with those who are not. Those who struggle socially must love others by learning as best as they can how not to give offense. If we confuse personality and skill, we risk discouraging a child by unrealistic expectations. We risk impatience when we assume all children learn social skills without direct teaching. And we admire or praise some children for traits just as shallow as appearance or intelligence.
• Finally, it is helpful to consider that there are advantages as well as disadvantages to being socially aware, or socially indifferent. Sometimes, knowing and caring what other people think can be a stumbling block to doing right confidently. When we view a personality trait as entirely positive or entirely negative, we limit our understanding of how God can use each person for His glory.

Popularity: 24% [?]

Popularity: 24% [?]