You are currently browsing the Child Development category

Crying over the Cereal Bowl

  • Posted on September 1, 2010 at 7:13 am

It’s Wisdom Wednesday

This week I have made good on my intention to help walk my children through applying Scripture. Today I’m writing about one of those times.

For background, my three year old is still excessively emotional, easily angered, and cries and whines when she doesn’t get her way. The hard part isn’t stopping her. She can generally stop on cue (and does, most of the time). Replacing the anger has been more challenging, so this week I’ve been walking through Philipians 4:6-7 with her.

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

I’ve explained that worry and anger crowd out peace and thankfulness. And thankfulness crowds out worry and anger. So I’ve been stopping the whining, and pointing out the good things she’s forgotten about. And I’ve been having her come up with her own things to be thankful for in the specific situation.

For example, yesterday I finished my shower to find Laurel sobbing in a heap by my door. She was upset because Bethel didn’t pour her enough cereal. Now, Bethel actually asked David for help, and they both explained to Laurel (and later to me) that they told her she could have more cereal after she finished what she had. As far as I could tell, it wasn’t mean spirited, it is consistent with how I would have handled the situation, and it was a reasonable action from the older siblings. Laurel’s response was wrong.

But, I explained to Laurel, You got your favorite cereal. You have a purple bowl (the coveted bowls and sometimes a source of more tears). Bethel let you pour your own milk. Because you were angry, you forgot about all those wonderful things. Now your turn. What else can you be thankful for?

Laurel came up with a few, came back to the table, and with a few snuffles finished her cereal (and she didn’t want more when she was finished, either).

How is Scripture changing your actions this week?

Popularity: 1% [?]

Continue reading Crying over the Cereal Bowl

Care to leave a comment?

Learning to Be Wise

  • Posted on August 25, 2010 at 7:03 am

On occasion, I’ll reread something I’ve written and been completely unable to decipher what I intended to say. That’s how I felt last night, so I actually deleted my post (it was that unintelligible to me) and will repost something like it on Friday. Hopefully it will make sense.

Today is Wisdom Wednesday, and I remembered today that I wanted to write about an observation I made last week. I was rereading my original post on Wisdom Wednesday, and I noticed that I’ve been fudging a bit on my original intention.

In particular, I’ve been lecturing my children on how they can apply Scripture, and calling that wisdom. I need to do better at helping them actually think about Scripture that will help them make a decision, and then help them follow through. Ephesians 6:1 has gotten a little overused at our house lately. :) I have seen growth, though.

In school I’ve been calling them to attention by asking them to be a “wise listener.” Bethel wants to read fluently. She’s expressed a desire to be wise, so I’ve told her that the biggest thing she can do to be wise is learn to read the Bible. She’s taking that seriously and working diligently.

I’ve been using the vocabulary of Proverbs when I talk about our decisions. Yesterday, David was telling me about a decision that he was making and added “I think that is a wise decision, don’t you think so?” It made me smile, because his decision was between two playtime activities. He doesn’t yet understand the connection between wise behavior and Scripture. But he’s learning to frame the question of wisdom  when faced with a decision, and that pleases me.

Lee and I have been talking about the difference between true submission and mere compliance (accompanied by expressions of displeasure). We might be phrasing the difference with wisdom vocabulary too. I need to be reading Proverbs with this thought in mind.

With that, I must be wise and take care of my household.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Continue reading Learning to Be Wise

Care to leave a comment?

Shaping Desires

  • Posted on August 6, 2010 at 6:54 am

More than ever I can see the difference when my children are doing something that they understand and agree with, and when they’re doing something only because I say so.

I’m not talking about cleaning their rooms, either. (I won’t complain if they suddenly develop a love for a clean room.)

  • I want them to love the right kind of friends.
  • I want them to love the Bible.
  • I want them to love serving others.

No answers today. Just prayers! I need to read God’s Word and obey what God has given me to do today. I can’t expect Him to guide me tomorrow if I’m not willing to obey him today.

Popularity: 2% [?]

Continue reading Shaping Desires

Care to leave a comment?

Time-Released Teaching

  • Posted on July 30, 2010 at 6:45 am

Wherever did I get the idea that children learn not to whine and scream for things within a few days or a week of dealing with it properly? I am intrigued how often I expect instant learning and 100% compliance from my children, when I still don’t always respond well when I don’t get my way. Then, when my children don’t learn as quickly as I expect they should, I get discouraged.

I’m pretty sure we’re acting wisely and consistently when we respond to our three year old. Although she can obediently change her request/demand on cue, she still regularly starts off with a whine or scream.

I don’t know if I’m quite able to keep track of amount of whining, but I think I’m going to try. That way I’ll be able to tell objectively if there’s improvement.

We’ll see. (Other factors: all kids are still a little more emotional from the move, all the kids seemed to have a spike in whining at this age)

And… it is true that I have debated about whether to make our children correct how they ask for something, and then give it to them, or not allow them to have what they’ve asked for, period. I think age makes a difference, as does the amount of teaching that a child has. I do know that I’ve done more of the second approach lately, in an effort to get the right action the first try.

Perhaps I need to remind myself not to be weary in well doing.

And let us not grow weary while doing good,
for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. Gal 6:9

Popularity: 2% [?]

Continue reading Time-Released Teaching

1 Comment

Refraining from the Lecture

  • Posted on July 22, 2010 at 5:39 am

I’ve been pondering this verse in relationship to my role as mother.

Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:

20For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God. James 1:19-20

It’s one I tell my children often, particularly the “slow to wrath” part.  It seems sometimes that my children are often quick to anger, particularly with each other. I want them to learn to be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.

But today I’m not talking about them. I’m talking about me, particularly in how I respond when they are telling me about some event or occasion. Typically, when they finish, I’m immediately evaluating and talking about what happened, good or bad. I’ll tell them what they should have done, what they did right, what they could do next time.I am, sometimes, a little intense.

I am wondering, however, whether I should not pay attention to this verse a little more: quick to hear, slow to speak. I’m not angry during moments like these, so maybe I need to meditate on another be quiet verse (there are a number of them). In any case, I’ve been wondering whether a quiet child’s willingness to confide in a parent might not be squelched by the knowledge of an immediate lecture or reaction. I think so.

This is why I’ve been attempting to just listen. If correction needs to be made, I can do it at a later time.

Just thinking.

Popularity: 2% [?]

Continue reading Refraining from the Lecture

Care to leave a comment?

Singing I Go…

  • Posted on July 6, 2010 at 5:00 am

One of the things I’ve been working on especially with my younger two is getting on top of the complaining and whining. I have been thinking about when this happens.

On Saturday night after bathtime, I realized that the thirty seconds between getting out of the bath and getting pajamas on is often marked by whining. In a fit of inspiration, I wondered whether getting the girls singing before they got out would keep their minds happy during that period. I gave it a try.

Worked well. Tried it during another transition and failed miserably. Maybe I started the singing too close to the transition. There’s something to this, so I’m not giving up just yet. I remember that my mom started us singing in the car when we were young– she told me later it made good sense, because singing children don’t fight. (Well, sometimes we did, but still.) I’ll keep you posted.

This strategy is part of the realization that bringing every thought into captivity takes deliberate steps and hard work. I want to teach the skill to my children. If you hear me singing like a lunatic as I look for the best price on peanut butter at the grocery store, you’ll know why.

For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. 4 For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, 5 casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, 6 and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled. II Corinthians 10:3

Popularity: 2% [?]

Continue reading Singing I Go…

Care to leave a comment?

Disappointment or Bitterness?

  • Posted on June 24, 2010 at 5:00 am

We’re in temporary housing, and our table is really a ledge that seats three. For some reason it has become a point of contention which seat has the most perceived value to our three children. As a solution, Lee decided that at each meal, one child could have the choice of where to sit. That has mostly taken care of the whining.

Mostly. This morning David realized that because we ate at a restaurant for dinner last night, he lost his opportunity to choose the seat. He thought he should be able to choose the breakfast seat (no matter that then Laurel would lose the ability to choose a seat instead of him). When I told him that he would simply have to wait until the next dinnertime, he burst into tears.

As I tried to help him work through his grief, I realized that from his perspective, he was simply disappointed, no different than losing a contest or having an outing rained out. But there was something more going on besides disappointment, I think. I want to think through this a little. How can I tell the difference biblically between bitterness and envy, and disappointment? Then, how do I teach him the difference? More later.

Popularity: 2% [?]

Continue reading Disappointment or Bitterness?

2 Comments on Disappointment or Bitterness?

Search for Alone Time

  • Posted on June 15, 2010 at 5:18 am

Today I was thankful for the shady bench by the park.

I couldn’t have any quiet. The children weren’t ill mannered, but they did seem to be high maintenance. After Laurel woke up, we went to the park. I took my Bible.

I needed it. I was wrestling with being anxious. My what-ifs were starting to take on the appearance of a novel, with a complex plot and well-developed characters. I could feel myself impatient with my children– not walking in the spirit as we talked about earlier.

And I read… I meandered through Psalm 119. I reread Galatians 5 and 6. Read a few chapters in Proverbs. Read some Psalms– 32 and 34, 78. I read Psalm 23 carefully. I’m thankful that God leads me by still waters. I’m thankful that he leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. I needed the reassurance that he is leading, and he is in charge.

Finally, I could see clearly to be thankful: for spices in my van that I had forgotten I brought! for the park! for the mockingbirds and grackles! for a laundry basket to carry to the laundry instead of the suitcase.

**************

It’s now after dinner. I can still feel the tension in my chest, and a sharp hunger for alone time. Perhaps its a hormonal change. Perhaps the close quarters of the small apartment are harder on me than I thought. But I am pleased. When I left to do a few loads of laundry in blessed silence, and Bethel leaped up and asked to come, God gave me the grace to say yes.

Popularity: 2% [?]

Continue reading Search for Alone Time

1 Comment

Talking to the Quiet One

  • Posted on June 9, 2010 at 5:51 am

I’ve been challenged in recent weeks to persist in talking with my son. My impression has been that he’s pretty quiet, and he is.

When I started paying attention, though, I realized how often he talks and I’m not particularly interested. It’s not that I don’t care about snakes, birds, and electronics; however, I’m looking for conversation about serious things– what he thinks about, what he’s looking forward to, what he’s afraid of. I want to hear what God is stirring in his heart. Those things I don’t hear very often. He’s very private, and when pressed, he shrugs and answers “nothing” or “I don’t know.” I seem to vacillate between worry and apathy about the matter. Neither approach is satisfying or effective. God used a conversation with my neighbor to give me some insight into my own response to my children’s conversation styles.

My next door neighbor loves to talk. As we chatted over our fence on morning, she mentioned that she carpools with another mom, so she has opportunity to talk with some teenage boys on a regular basis. She said “I have a boy. I just keep asking, just keep pressing for answers.” It struck me that her success at developing relationships has to do more with her persistence than any particular skill at conversation. It was helpful for me to hear her matter-of-fact acknowledgment that conversation with a teenage boy requires work.(Don’t know why that’s a surprise– communication in marriage is work, too, and Lee and I both have to work at it.)

So, God has been challenging me that one way I can love my son is not to give up developing a relationship with him. I don’t want him growing up thinking that a healthy relationship is simply existing side by side. Love talks and is transparent. But what can I do? Simply yelling “TALK TO ME!” probably won’t be effective.

Here are some conclusions I’m drawing:

  • I need to adjust to his conversation style. He doesn’t talk like a teenager, and I can’t ignore him while I’m waiting for his conversation skill to develop. I need to be thankful for both what we talk about and also how long (or short) the conversations are. I need to remember that God created him, and that his personality under the Holy Spirit’s control will be just right.
  • I need to take the time to talk. All of my children approach me some of the time, but I need to be drawing them in. I must not get discouraged or assume that they’ll talk with me when they have something to say.
  • I need to be interested in WHATEVER her volunteers. Why would he offer information about something personal if I’m indifferent to the mundane? This has been my biggest challenge. I’ve been working at making eye contact and asking questions when he offers up information.
  • I must not grow weary in working on developing a relationship with him. I’ve watched teenagers talk, hungry for adult attention, hungry to be taken seriously, hungry for personal connection. And I’ve watched parents do as I do– brush off their comments as unimportant because they’re not of a spiritual nature.
  • I must remember that a single comment stays in his mind for a long time. This morning, I listened as David read a book to Laurel. From time to time, David stopped and explained something to his sister. He asked his sister to count the legs on an illustration of a ladybug. He pointed out the two sets of wings. He explained a difficult word. I mentioned that I liked how he took the time to teach his sister, and that he was good at it. He went on reading without a response. But later, he asked me, “Do you think I should be a teacher when I grow up?” That exchange was a gift from God, especially because the time gap between my comment and his was fairly long, and it showed me how a single comment can penetrate immediately and deeply.

Popularity: 2% [?]

Continue reading Talking to the Quiet One

2 Comments on Talking to the Quiet One

Time-Release Teaching

  • Posted on April 9, 2010 at 10:09 am

The other day, Bethel asked me “Did Jesus tell his disciples that he was going to die on the cross?”

Yes, but they didn’t understand what he was talking about until later.

It immediately reminded me that much of my teaching doesn’t take root immediately. My children don’t always understand concepts. It takes time for concepts to sink in.

Jesus knew his disciples wouldn’t understand his plan until after he had died. He told them a number of times what was going to happen, knowing that our human brain sometimes needs multiple reps and time to learn something new.

One  book I’ve enjoyed is Roy Zuck’s Teaching as Jesus Taught, and I’m reminded that sometime in the next few years I’d like to reread it. Jesus is a master teacher, and paying attention to his methods can be helpful and inspiring as we seek to teach the same truths Jesus taught, to our own children. He used questions masterfully. He used stories that had a spiritual purpose. He also taught with patience. (I find it interesting that he did express weariness with their dullness at times, but he did not stop repeating himself.) If grown men needed repetition of spiritual truths, so yet do our children.

Then Jesus said unto them, Take heed and beware of the leaven of the Pharisees and of the Sadducees.[initial truth]

7And they reasoned among themselves, saying, It is because we have taken no bread. [misunderstanding]

8Which when Jesus perceived, he said unto them, O ye of little faith, why reason ye among yourselves, because ye have brought no bread?

9Do ye not yet understand, neither remember the five loaves of the five thousand, and how many baskets ye took up?

10Neither the seven loaves of the four thousand, and how many baskets ye took up?

11How is it that ye do not understand that I spake it not to you concerning bread, that ye should beware of the leaven of the Pharisees and of the Sadducees? [Truthfully, I don't think I would have gotten the connection between his miracles and the lesson he was teaching. Put me in the slow learner category.]

12Then understood they how that he bade them not beware of the leaven of bread, but of the doctrine of the Pharisees and of the Sadducees.

Then he said unto them, O fools, and slow of heart to believe all that the prophets have spoken:26Ought not Christ to have suffered these things, and to enter into his glory?

27And beginning at Moses and all the prophets, he expounded unto them in all the scriptures the things concerning himself. Luke 24:25-27

One thing I’m interested to note is that Jesus is impatient with their unbelief more than simply lack of understanding. I wonder if this is consistent throughout the gospels. That bears thinking on, for its implication in my own life and the lives of my children.

Popularity: 12% [?]

Continue reading Time-Release Teaching

Care to leave a comment?