15July2008

Exaggeration when Teaching

Posted by Michelle under: Communication and Meaning.

Exaggeration is a great tool for teaching toddlers and preschoolers. Consider the challenges young children face in learning language. Time? Even my five year old has difficulty with this concept. If/then statements? my baby hears the last word and adds a “now” in order to understand them. Thus, “If you eat your peas, you can eat your cake” becomes “cake now” and life can be a mini tragedy when cake now doesn’t happen.

My husband recommends that I note that exaggeration (either hyperbole or litote) can communicate untruths, and this is not what I’m talking about here. I try hard not to say “Just a minute” unless it is really a minute. I don’t feel comfortable pretending to leave a child who is slow to obey. Exaggeration can be used to evil as well as good.

However, any tool we can use to help them understand language, extend their attention, and apply biblical truths is invaluable. I have found exaggeration to be one of the best for early childhood. Here’s what it looks like in our house:

• Repeating instruction more simply, or in a different structure. In its simplest form, I simply follow a word I know my children don’t understand with one they do. A little more complex, a passive voice sentence might be changed to active voice. I make these decisions when I sense that my children don’t understand what I’m saying, and sometimes I just do it automatically. After If you eat peas, then you get cake, I might say, Eat peas FIRST. Cake LATER. (Yes, it takes some practice to get it right and sometimes I repeat a sentence three times before I see a glimmer of understanding.) The rule of thumb I often use when explaining something difficult is the same number of words baby is using to speak, plus one. Since my twenty month old is primarily using two sentences, I’ll try to keep my sentences to three words when explaining something to her. I don’t keep track after their language jumps around age three.
• Emphasizing particular words is helpful. The most obvious example might be emphasizing a not or a no.
• A silly voice adds interest and conveys meaning (i.e., pouty voice, or an angry voice). If I’m reading the Bible, I can keep their attention by exaggerating the mood of a speaker. If I’m reading about Nebuchadnezzar, I can read his words in a pompous style. If I’m reading about Saul pouting, I can stick out my lower lip and knit my brows as I talk.
• Exaggeration when giving examples is helpful. Let’s say that I’m trying to help them understand what the Bible says about finding wise friends. I’ll ask them, What if a friend says, Let’s not obey, is that a wise or foolish friend? My example is a little extreme on purpose. It’s not likely that a friend is going to say it that plainly, but it helps them when they’re just trying to understand the basic concept.

These are just a couple that I find myself using throughout the day.

Popularity: 9% [?]

Popularity: 9% [?]

21May2008

Wisdom Project Followup

Posted by Michelle under: Communication and Meaning; Wisdom.

Biblical wisdom isn’t knowing how to make half a dozen young children stand in a straight line, and sit in their chairs quietly while you get your hair cut. Wisdom isn’t the same thing as good advice from a godly friend. Biblical wisdom comes from God’s Word. In fact, Jesus reminds us that a wise mother is one who hears His Word and obeys it (Matthew 7:24-27).

I’m hoping to teach my children to value wisdom. For a description of the wisdom project, click here first.

One of the surprises of the wisdom project I’ve been doing is how much my older children (ages five and three) actually interact with me, instead of just me talking the whole time. This has been exciting.

Here are the questions they’ve asked me:

• Is wisdom when you are nice to people? Here David is trying to figure out what wisdom actually is. I smiled, because I remember wrestling with defining wisdom as a child, too. I said yes, because God tells us to be kind to others, and Jesus said wisdom is when we hear God’s Word and obey it.
• Will wisdom help people understand? This was one of the first times I’ve heard David ask a spontaneous question specifically related to something I’ve read in the Bible. He heard the word understanding as I read.
  I suspect he was thinking about understanding wisdom, but maybe that’s just wistful thinking.
• Does wisdom make people go to church? This is an interesting question, because wise people want to learn (Proverbs 1:5), and they clearly understood and remembered this characteristic. My response was Some people go to church because they want to learn. They are wise. Some people go to church because they want other people to think they are wise, not because they want to learn.
• Is a fool someone who does not obey God? Again, David is trying to develop a definition. I told him that a fool is someone who does not even want to obey God.

One of the characteristics they caught on their own was that wisdom causes people not to be afraid (see Proverbs 3:24). Since children are often fearful at night, they easily recognized what a treasure wisdom is. Bethel observed that she is afraid of the dark when Daddy closes the door. I told her that wisdom will help her to trust that God will take care of her in the dark. Bethel isn’t grasping enough while I read to get the characteristics on her own, but when I plainly tell her, she understands and is eager to contribute. I wrote her comment down, too, even though it wasn’t a question.

“Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock.

And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.”

Matthew 7:24-27

Popularity: 79% [?]

Popularity: 79% [?]

20May2008

Wisdom Project

Posted by Michelle under: Communication and Meaning; Wisdom.

Sometimes in the mornings, I read the Bible to my children. Last week, I decided that I wanted to focus on wisdom, and I got a good idea.

I had some old posterboard that I pulled out and I drew three columns, labeling each column: wise, simple, foolish. Since King Solomon said that finding wisdom was like finding treasure and jewels, we put jewels on our chart. I let the children glue some foam beads I had all along the column edges. I told them the beads were like jewels (fake jewels from a hobby store would have been nice, but I didn’t want to put off the project to get supplies). I’m not a perfectionist; I’m sure some artsy types could make this look really great. I just wanted it to look great to my children.

Then I told the children that we were going to compile words from the Bible that tell us about these three kinds of people. I would read the chapter, and then when they heard something that fit on our chart, we’d write it down.

We’ve been doing it all week. I’ve adapted it some from my early intentions. They’re not old enough to catch the characteristics without some exaggeration, emphasis, and pointed questions when I read. I’ve also not been reading the whole chapters because I don’t want to discourage them. Basically I read the chapter until I see their eyes start to wander, and then I read a verse that they can grasp in this context. I also learned that it was a good idea to read the chapter ahead of time and have an idea of what verses I was going to emphasize.

Another change I made was that I started writing down their questions about wisdom on the chart. David started asking questions, and he asked if I was going to write them down. Writing down the questions motivates them to think of things to ask, and often it’s related to what I’m reading. I could let them draw pictures that match

They’re excited about the project, and that makes me excited. I’ll give some specific questions and conversations tomorrow.

Popularity: 90% [?]

Popularity: 90% [?]

13May2008

Define “Gloating” Biblically

Posted by Michelle under: Communication and Meaning.

How do I frame gloating in biblical language?

Here is the conversation: “I have the Richard Scarry book. I’m so glad I have the Richard Scarry book.” and the unstated “you don’t have it.”

It’s not exactly rejoicing when your enemy falls, although I think that’s close.

Do not rejoice when your enemy falls, And do not let your heart be glad when he stumbles; Proverbs 24:17

Any thoughts?

Popularity: 40% [?]

Popularity: 40% [?]

17April2008

Prioritizing Lessons for Baby

Posted by Michelle under: Communication and Meaning; Getting Along.

This morning, baby (18 months) cried because Bethel picked up the book she had put down. She wanted the book back.

I was faced immediately with the thought that I had to choose what lesson I wanted to teach.

• I could have dealt with screaming to get what she wants.
• I could have dealt with helping her understand if she puts a book down, it doesn’t belong to her.
• I could help her learn how to ask for something by saying “please book” and trying to get her to repeat it. That’s a possibility, since she now says “pease milk” in a heart-melting way.
• The problem is, if I start to teach her how to ask for something, I have to ignore the fact that she’s whining as she says “pease.”
• And if I allow her to ask for the book and request Bethel give it to her, in a way I’m negating the tradition that we cannot claim all toys we have touched in the last hour.
• I could opt for a spiritual message. It is selfish to take toys or books away from another child, but I’d like to word it in positive terms. In some ways, it seems like it makes more sense to have a baseline of expected behavior before teaching God’s higher standard (fairness versus love).

I decided that teaching her to ask for something she wants, without crying, is a more basic skill than teaching her not to whine.

Now, with all the lessons before me, I wonder whether I actually had to choose only one lesson. I think I can at least label the bad behavior as I teach her to say please: Grabbing is selfish. Say please book. After she says please, I can say, God wants us to love sister. That’s dealing with the heart rather than merely the behavior.

I still think that ignoring the whining tone might be good, but maybe I can teach that too. I can minimize it at this age by an exaggerated happy voice, saying the words I want her to say. Please book! For some reason, babies model the tone they hear. If I say the words in a serious tone, she might miss it, but if I make a goofy happy face and say the words rhythmically and deliberately, she’ll respond with a smile rather than a whine. In theory, of course.

That’s almost all the lessons I started by thinking I couldn’t teach yet. I’ll let you know how it goes. Since she’ll be waking up from her nap soon, we’ll have a sharing challenge…. momentarily.

Popularity: 33% [?]

Popularity: 33% [?]

28March2008

Still Thinking about Courage

Posted by Michelle under: Communication and Meaning; Emotions; Fear.

The American Heritage Dictionary defines courage as: “The state or quality of mind or spirit that enables one to face danger, fear, or vicissitudes with self-possession, confidence, and resolution; bravery.”

You can probably see a resemblance to the Latin cor, for heart.

Notice that courage could come from self-reliance or pride rather than from remembering our God.  It might be a helpful distinction when discussing secular appearances of courage. In one case, courage could be idolatry, although courage might be also be a result of confidence in one’s armor, or one’s commander, or one’s platoon. I’m thinking as a military wife now, but I cannot write these words without also thinking of the biblical analogies of war.

Notice also that courage is defined in relationship to fear, but not the absence of it. I suspect the confusion comes when courage is so strong that it appears fearless. My dad is facing a terminal illness, short of an organ transplant. When you talk to my mom and dad, they don’t sound afraid. It’s not that they lack feeling; they simply have developed a strong sense of trusting God and His providence in their lives. That might be a good illustration to tell David.

Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest. Joshua 1:9

Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. Isaiah 41:10

As Pastor Younts said yesterday,

We are weak by nature. This weakness naturally leads to fear and worry. However, the Scripture tells us that God’s power is made perfect in our weakness. II Cor. 12:9 It takes courage to recognize that we are weak but that we can trust God to give us the strength we need to follow him. With this mindset we don’t have to be defensive about weakness. This is a powerful lesson for children to learn. Perhaps even some adults could learn from this truth as well.

Yes, these are Scriptures for me, too! I’ll be thinking on them today.

Popularity: 38% [?]

Popularity: 38% [?]

27March2008

Bravery and Fear

Posted by Michelle under: Communication and Meaning; Emotions; Fear.

On the way home from church last night, one of my fascinating children talked about being afraid a year ago watching fireworks on July 4. I’m still interested in knowing how they understand fear, and I was particularly fascinated to wonder why this memory was brought up at that time. (We were merely looking at and talking about all the ball field lights across the city as we drove home.)

I agreed that fireworks could be scary (I don’t ever want them to feel silly talking about their fears to me).

I told them about being afraid of fireworks when I was a little girl. (empathy)

Then I asked if King David was ever afraid. Do you know how they answered?

No! [in a "silly mommy" tone of voice] Their answer tells me that they still don’t understand what bravery is.

Once again I reminded them that King David is the one who wrote: “What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee” (Psalm 56:3).

I’m starting to wonder though, whether I’m making it too simple. Sometimes fear can be a problem. God says he “has not given us the spirit of fear,” for example. We are also told not to worry, which is a form of fear. We are told several times directly to “fear not.” And I’m curious because I asked myself what the Bible word for brave is. Is it trust? I looked up these words in Bible Gateway and didn’t find much help. Any thoughts?

Popularity: 54% [?]

Popularity: 54% [?]

25March2008

Easter Story Not Understandable

Posted by Michelle under: Communication and Meaning; Discipleship.

Last week one Pastor gave an alert that a curriculum his church uses omits the Easter Story, the crucifixion and the resurrection. The authors gave two reasons; the first was that the Easter story is too violent for preschoolers. We talked about this objection on Friday. The second objection was that preschoolers don’t understand death and the resurrection. In response, I believe that, while the concern about understanding is important and a valid, the crucifixion and resurrection should be taught to preschoolers.

Let’s assume that we remember one of the challenges of giving spiritual instruction to children is considering their children’s ability to understand it. The stakes are high. Churches have faced significant disagreements stemming from objections to removing children from the “adult” worship service, in favor of an “age-appropriate” service. Christian school philosophies are based on the expectation of the results of “high expectations.” Even individual parents find the question of understanding to be a challenge. Since each person tends to use personal experience (his own childhood, or his children’s, usually) as a reference point, a parent might feel like he’s tiptoeing down a dark hallway littered with Legos as he teaches his children about God.

I’ll do my best to avoid personal anecdotes as a standard, but in the interest of fair disclosure, I’ve never read the Bible to my unborn children, and I consider very seriously the understanding of my children when I teach them. I also see the value in age-specific instruction at church.

If we start by looking at the Bible, we find that Scripture doesn’t specifically address timing of spiritual instruction. Parents are commanded to teach their children while they are young. Children are commanded to obey. We do see some clues, although we must think clearly and carefully as we respond to these clues.

In most cases, the child’s understanding is unstated in child-rearing passages. In Deuteronomy 6, parents are commanded to talk throughout the day, and nothing is said about understanding. It could be that understanding is irrelevant, but it also could be that Moses assumed parents would use discernment to know when and how to teach.

Some Scripture does seem to indicate that a scriptural foundation is given before understanding and fruit.

Paul reminds Timothy, “And that from a child thou hast known the holy scriptures, which are able to make thee wise unto salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus” (II Timothy 3:15).

It appears as though Paul is saying that Scripture was given before salvation, and before understanding. Yes, the passage is talking about spiritual understanding, which is somewhat different from developmental understanding. It is the Holy Spirit who gives understanding, but the Holy Spirit uses the knowledge of the Word of God. In either case, a parent gives instruction in faith, before complete understanding is present.

Should we then conclude that nurseries are unbiblical, since we are to teach children from infancy, even before they can understand? Doesn’t this line of thinking indicate that the best place to put a young child is in the church service, where we will fill his mind with teaching far above his head, with the expectation that the Holy Spirit will use this information to bring forth spiritual fruit?

Another interesting passage may give a counterpoint to these thoughts.

Nehemiah 8:2 And Ezra the priest brought the law before the congregation both of men and women, and all that could hear with understanding, upon the first day of the seventh month.

8:8 So they read in the book in the law of God distinctly, and gave the sense, and caused them to understand the reading.

In this occasion, it appears that some people were excluded from this time of preaching. Someone had to make a judgment call who could hear with understanding, and perhaps there was disagreement. I smile, wondering whether some mothers were tempted to compare with pride or despair their own children with another’s.

Should we disregard a child’s understanding? No, I think not. I think we should in some cases give instruction ahead of comprehension. At the same time, we should attempt to cause our children to understand, considering their ability as we do so. An analogy has helped me resolve the apparent contradiction and evaluate when I am expecting too much or too little. A coach who wants to get the best performance out of his athletes might set the bar of expectations a bit higher than he or his athletes might think possible. If the bar is set too low, he’ll never know what his athletes are capable of. More significantly, if he sets unrealistically high goals, he runs the risk of discouraging and even hurting the athletes he wants to inspire.

I tend to think the same way. I think it’s good to stretch our children beyond what they can understand. Now I can appropriately allude to all the anecdotes about children surprising us with precocious observations. Truly, we often underestimate what they can understand. Another positive effect of stretching our children is that they can see what is important to us, even if they don’t understand it. Repetition can be a powerful learning tool. At the same time, we can set our expectations too high. We can just as easily overestimate what our children understand, and we can unwisely ignore evidence of frustration, discouragement, and “tuning out.” This is why I believe we should be realistic about what a preschooler understands about death and the resurrection. I suspect many preschoolers truly do not understand death. Even so, I do not believe we should omit the most foundational event of what we believe.

My recommendation? If you want to teach about the cross to your infant, go ahead. Use simple vocabulary and simple syntax, particularly with young preschoolers. Repeat yourself. Don’t confuse memorization with understanding, but don’t miss the value of memorization. Don’t be discouraged when children’ appear not to understand, and don’t be prideful when they do.

Popularity: 32% [?]

Popularity: 32% [?]

21March2008

Easter Story Too Violent

Posted by Michelle under: Communication and Meaning; Salvation.

Authors of a Sunday school curriculum explained recently why they were omitting the Crucifixion and Resurrection from their preschool curriculum. They made this choice for two reasons: first, that the crucifixion is too violent for preschoolers, and second, preschoolers are unable to grasp what it means to die and be raised again.

Apart from the emotional shock of hearing that someone took out the crucifixion and resurrection from a curriculum, their actions and reasoning bear consideration. After all, I haven’t seated my seventeen-month-old child down to explain that Jesus died on a cross for her. I’m very protective about my children’s exposure to violence, and I’m nearly certain that the resurrection is beyond the comprehension of my three year old.

Examine the Objections

Let’s examine both objections. First, some suggest that the crucifixion is too violent for preschoolers. In response, we might be tempted to compare the crucifixion story with the violent cartoons and programs children watch on television. We might observe that a good many children are sadly aware of violence beyond their ability to handle, or rather, that children long ago were exposed far more often to death than children in the United States today. These are not the best places to begin a rebuttal. In the first place, anecdotal evidence doesn’t answer the question of whether the resurrection story is inappropriately violent for preschoolers, and in the second, one must understand that arguing that the resurrection is too violent presupposes that children understand the story, something argued against in this document not even two sentences later. To argue both positions is logically difficult to reconcile.

Arguing that children should be taught only what they are capable of understanding is a separate question that has further implications than simply whether to teach the crucifixion to preschoolers. The ramifications of this position are significant, and should not be taken lightly.

Anecdotes Are Poor Support

Instead of presenting personal anecdotes or comparisons, consider first the objection to violence. It is not a spurious concern, because research has clearly demonstrated a causal relationship between violence and ill-effects on young children. Still, we must ask whether the evidence can be applied to the biblical story of the cross. In these studies, what kind of violence is being measured? Overwhelmingly, researchers study either real-life violence (such as a study measuring social well-being of children is Kosovo), or television violence. Quite simply, the very real damage of real-life violence and realistic violence on television cannot be compared with validity to the story of the cross. Consider the difference between a statement: Samuel hewed Agag in pieces before the Lord in Gilgal, and a theoretical twenty-minute multimedia presentation of the same fact. The statement has a purpose; a multimedia movie would doubtless be gratuitous.

God Condones Some Violence

Can we object to violence itself on biblical grounds? Actually, no. There is a good deal of violence in the Bible, much of it condoned or sanctioned by God Himself. We know that the Bible is given to us for our instruction, even the violent parts, and that there is a purpose in their presence. When something objectionable (like violence) is presented, we recognize that it should have a purpose; it will not be gratuitous.

We need wisdom and discernment to understand the purpose for giving to or withholding information from our children. I happen to believe that the cross is appropriate fare for preschoolers, but in order to be intellectually honest, I must acknowledge that I do in fact censor portions of the Bible. To understand why we should not omit the cross, we must understand why we select what portions of the Bible to share.

Most Parents Omit Portions of Scripture To Some Degree

Have you ever heard the statement “It’s true, and I have to say what is true”? We readily see the fallacy in this thinking. Actually, not all truths are useful or appropriate to share with our children. I haven’t talked about God’s opinion of homosexuality with my four-year-old son, for example. Nor have I detailed the underlying meaning of the metaphors found in Song of Solomon with my three year old. Is there a difference between these examples, and Christ’s torture on the cross? The answer is found when we consider the purpose of teaching Scripture.

All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness: That the man of God may be perfect, thoroughly furnished unto all good works. II Tim 3:16-17

Given the enormous significance of the cross, it is hard to understand why even simply teaching a child that Jesus died on the cross is objectionable.

The Cross Can Be Profitable for Young Children

Moreover, appropriate presentation of the violence can actually help a child to better understand the significance of the event. Jesus’ death was not the same as a beloved grandfather peacefully entering eternity during the night. When we truly understand that Jesus suffered in our place, when the violence is placed in the right context, we are filled with greater sensitivity and comprehension of the magnitude of Christ’s sacrifice on the cross.

You can read other discussions of this issue here and here.

Your comments and critique are always welcome, as they usually help me to think more clearly.

In my next post, we’ll discuss whether we should deliberately give instruction beyond our children’s ability to understand it.

Popularity: 34% [?]

Popularity: 34% [?]

18March2008

Followup to Fussy Toddler

Posted by Michelle under: Communication and Meaning; Emotions.

Today was one tearful episode after another, even with my full attention.

• She wanted to take away the book I was reading to the older two, and instead read the book she had. She did not want to sit in my lap. She then decided that she’d rather have the book that Bethel was holding and cried when she could not have it. I let her cry on this one.
• David and Bethel turned our living room into a stable, and Laurel wanted to play with the blocks, too. She wasn’t content with a few, and she didn’t want to play with me in the room. She cried when I wouldn’t let her play with the other blocks. I resolved this conflict by asking her if she wanted to go take a bath, and I cleaned the bathroom while she played. She became frustrated because I wouldn’t dump water in the tub (I had already done it several times), and wanted out.
• I wondered whether her mouth was hurting since it looks like a tooth is coming through. But I’ve been blaming fussiness on that same tooth for several weeks! I gave her some Motrin just in case.
• Several times I couldn’t figure out what she wanted. At one point, she was nearly completely irrational. I put her to sleep, even though she had already taken a short nap, and although it was late afternoon. She slept about an hour.
• David and Bethel wanted to play with puzzles. Laurel wanted to take their pieces. She was happy to play with her own puzzles with me, but got distracted and went to take pieces away from David. I told her to give the pieces to David. She didn’t respond. I think she understood, but I wasn’t sure, so I simply scooped her up and walked over to David. Then I helped her give them to David.Puzzles are hard.
• Before we went to bed, she wanted her shoes on over her pajamas. She cried when I told her no, took her shoes to her dad and cried when he said no. I distracted her successfully. She was happy to go to bed.

I’m praying that God will give me wisdom. Since I posted my observations about my fussy toddler, I’ve been watching for her response. I’ve been working at being attentive to her, by playing with her, by keeping her with me when I work, and by keeping my mind focussed on teaching her that she is not the center of the universe. I don’t know that I see a difference in her yet, but I’m less on edge with her, and that’s a good thing. I’m praying that God will continue to give me insight into the motivations behind her actions.

Yes, much of her tears reflect an inability to communicate. Seeing this motivation helps me not become weary or impatient with her frustration, because I know that as she grows, this part of the problem will resolve itself. I can help by repeating in simple words what I think she is trying to say, or what I want her to know or do. Sometimes I find myself repeating in four different two-word sentences a single thought. I think this is helpful.

Some of her tears are indeed her dismay at finding out that she is not the center of the universe. She cannot take toys away from her siblings, mother cannot always immediately serve her the beverage of choice, and she doesn’t always have the option of doing exactly what she pleases. I could avoid these tears by leaving her in the center of her universe, but that wouldn’t be a good thing for her or me. I’m setting the stage for teaching her that God is the center of her universe. That means I have to remain constant when I have determined a course that she disagrees with. It’s easy to give in. This afternoon, she wanted a pickle without eating her sandwich. I told her as simply as I could that the pickle was for after sandwich. She cried and I started to waver. I removed all but a few small pieces of sandwich so she wouldn’t be overwhelmed. Still she pushed the plate away. Eventually, she took a piece of bread, and then flung it away from her. I then took her out of her highchair (the expected consequence) and calmly washed her hands and put her down to play. Some may respond differently, but what is important to me is that she did not win the essential conflict.

Tomorrow is a new day! We’ll see how she does then.

Popularity: 31% [?]

Popularity: 31% [?]