As4Me Thinking through the process of finding wisdom.

I’ve been pondering this verse in relationship to my role as mother.

Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:

²⁰For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God. James 1:19-20

It’s one I tell my children often, particularly the “slow to wrath” part.  It seems sometimes that my children are often quick to anger, particularly with each other. I want them to learn to be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.

But today I’m not talking about them. I’m talking about me, particularly in how I respond when they are telling me about some event or occasion. Typically, when they finish, I’m immediately evaluating and talking about what happened, good or bad. I’ll tell them what they should have done, what they did right, what they could do next time.I am, sometimes, a little intense.

I am wondering, however, whether I should not pay attention to this verse a little more: quick to hear, slow to speak. I’m not angry during moments like these, so maybe I need to meditate on another be quiet verse (there are a number of them). In any case, I’ve been wondering whether a quiet child’s willingness to confide in a parent might not be squelched by the knowledge of an immediate lecture or reaction. I think so.

This is why I’ve been attempting to just listen. If correction needs to be made, I can do it at a later time.

Just thinking.

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Continue reading Refraining from the Lecture

I’ve been challenged in recent weeks to persist in talking with my son. My impression has been that he’s pretty quiet, and he is.

When I started paying attention, though, I realized how often he talks and I’m not particularly interested. It’s not that I don’t care about snakes, birds, and electronics; however, I’m looking for conversation about serious things– what he thinks about, what he’s looking forward to, what he’s afraid of. I want to hear what God is stirring in his heart. Those things I don’t hear very often. He’s very private, and when pressed, he shrugs and answers “nothing” or “I don’t know.” I seem to vacillate between worry and apathy about the matter. Neither approach is satisfying or effective. God used a conversation with my neighbor to give me some insight into my own response to my children’s conversation styles.

My next door neighbor loves to talk. As we chatted over our fence on morning, she mentioned that she carpools with another mom, so she has opportunity to talk with some teenage boys on a regular basis. She said “I have a boy. I just keep asking, just keep pressing for answers.” It struck me that her success at developing relationships has to do more with her persistence than any particular skill at conversation. It was helpful for me to hear her matter-of-fact acknowledgment that conversation with a teenage boy requires work.(Don’t know why that’s a surprise– communication in marriage is work, too, and Lee and I both have to work at it.)

So, God has been challenging me that one way I can love my son is not to give up developing a relationship with him. I don’t want him growing up thinking that a healthy relationship is simply existing side by side. Love talks and is transparent. But what can I do? Simply yelling “TALK TO ME!” probably won’t be effective.

Here are some conclusions I’m drawing:

• I need to adjust to his conversation style. He doesn’t talk like a teenager, and I can’t ignore him while I’m waiting for his conversation skill to develop. I need to be thankful for both what we talk about and also how long (or short) the conversations are. I need to remember that God created him, and that his personality under the Holy Spirit’s control will be just right.
• I need to take the time to talk. All of my children approach me some of the time, but I need to be drawing them in. I must not get discouraged or assume that they’ll talk with me when they have something to say.
• I need to be interested in WHATEVER her volunteers. Why would he offer information about something personal if I’m indifferent to the mundane? This has been my biggest challenge. I’ve been working at making eye contact and asking questions when he offers up information.
• I must not grow weary in working on developing a relationship with him. I’ve watched teenagers talk, hungry for adult attention, hungry to be taken seriously, hungry for personal connection. And I’ve watched parents do as I do– brush off their comments as unimportant because they’re not of a spiritual nature.
• I must remember that a single comment stays in his mind for a long time. This morning, I listened as David read a book to Laurel. From time to time, David stopped and explained something to his sister. He asked his sister to count the legs on an illustration of a ladybug. He pointed out the two sets of wings. He explained a difficult word. I mentioned that I liked how he took the time to teach his sister, and that he was good at it. He went on reading without a response. But later, he asked me, “Do you think I should be a teacher when I grow up?” That exchange was a gift from God, especially because the time gap between my comment and his was fairly long, and it showed me how a single comment can penetrate immediately and deeply.

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Continue reading Talking to the Quiet One

I was talking yesterday about how we interact with our children when they come with a request.

In the past, I’ve said “just a minute,”  usually so I can finish what I’m doing before I respond. I’m very distractible, and not just with things I want to avoid. Just this week, twice I’ve left coffee half-way made and wondered all day why I was walking around in a fog.

Then I noticed that “just a minute” meant nothing to my children. They know how long a minute is, and they noticed that there was no correlation between actual time and my stated time. So they nagged. After a few seconds, they asked again. They were afraid I’d forget, and I was annoyed because the way they ensured that I didn’t forget was to ask every 30 seconds until I payed attention.

Yes, I could tell them not to ask again, but really, my “just a minute” was misleading at worst and meaningless at best. So I have been attempting to instead give a specific reference point instead: ask me again when mommy is done with the dishes. Let me put this away, and then you can ask me. If I say just a minute, I want it to have meaning. I really don’t want my children to tune out what I say because I am speaking thoughtlessly.

I still have a ways to go. Let mommy finish her email can mean 5-30 minutes, depending on the email. It’s a meaningless statement. So is I’m getting up soon (something I’ve said to my children this morning, since I started this post when they were still sleeping, and they woke up before I had finished. Is the problem with these statements the ambiguity, or that I’m on the computer longer than I should be? I’ll be thinking on this.

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Continue reading Just a Minute

Let it never be said that my own children are not sinners, that they never have bad attitudes, and that they never embarrass me at the grocery store.

Now, I regularly take all three children grocery shopping with me. Because we do it all the time, we have a routine. I’ve learned that keeping them busy checking prices, weighing produce, and retrieving items all keep them happy and out of mischief. I’ve figured out that having them help put groceries on the checkout counter helps, too, and if they are well behaved, I give the girls an ink stamp (that says “payable to USAF Commissary, or some such phrase). We’ve had bad days at the grocery, but as the children have gotten older, and since we go every week together, they’re actually well behaved.

You can understand then, the shock and embarrassment I felt when Laurel decided she did not want to be put back in the cart after unloading groceries. She wailed and screamed, and when I  told her to stop, she went on without a pause. I avoided eye contact with all grown ups, and she cried half the way home.

Later that evening, she was still grouchy. I recognized that she needed some exclusive time, so I pulled her on my lap and rocked her. On a whim, I started telling Laurel stories, and this kept her on my lap much longer than she would have otherwise. I told about how Laurel woke up one morning with purple spots all over her, told how Laurel chased a white rabbit down a rabbit hole, and so on. Then, I told how Laurel went to the grocery store with her mommy.

She perked up and listened intently. I decided that I’d tell the story, but change it so that Laurel did right, and didn’t throw a temper tantrum. I could tell by her interest that I might have discovered a good teaching tool. When I explained that Laurel’s mommy wanted her to go the cart after unloading groceries, Laurel stifled a sob and said, “Why did she do that?”

I had an opportunity to explain that Laurel didn’t understand why mommy wanted her in the cart, and that Laurel wanted to obey even though she didn’t understand. She was obeying just like Jesus always obeyed God. I wanted to remind her that we must obey God (and parents), even when we don’t understand and don’t like what we’re asked to do.

A few thoughts:

• Her emotional reaction hours after the event tells me that she’s old enough to wait to discuss events, and that discussing them might be very important. I assumed that she had gone on with life, but she hadn’t quite done so.
• Even though she was in the wrong, neglecting to explain the situation biblically has the potential to cause a root of bitterness. She may not like it, and she may still be unhappy about the situation, but it is loving to put the event into the context of God’s Word.
• Talking about the event like a story works well for her. She’s three, and I don’t think that when she’s six she will respond the same way. Jesus taught with stories, and I’ve thought before that I needed to tap into this approach as a mom. But I’ve thought to myself, “I don’t have time to think up stories that match what they’re dealing with.” I’m realizing that I don’t have to make up a story for it to be effective.

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Continue reading Anger at the Supermarket

Lee and I were discussing how the concept of marriage is sometimes difficult for young children.

Laurel, and sometimes Bethel (2 and 4) will ask a lady, “Where is your dad?” when they are looking for her husband. Occasionally we’ll ask questions about relationships. (eg., How is Uncle Bryan and Uncle Mark related to Daddy?) When we ask about how mommy and daddy are related, they don’t always know what to say.

Now, it’s possible that they know that there’s a difference between the relationship between mom and dad, and parents and children, even though their vocabulary doesn’t reflect that knowledge. However, Lee and I noticed that when we talk about ourselves, we tend to talk in third person from the perspective of the child: Mommy is cooking dinner right now. Daddy is going to the hospital to check on a baby. That’s because we’re usually thinking out loud for the child. It’s not a bad thing at all.

But what if the relationship we’re talking about is not from the perspective of the child, but the adult? Mommy is going out on a special date with Daddy…. Daddy likes spending time with Mommy…. Worded this way, that’s no different than when Bethel goes on a special date with Daddy, or than Daddy’s enjoyment of spending time with his children.

What we were wondering is whether it might not be wise to at least some of the time refer to each other as a spouse. Your mommy is going on a date with her husband… Daddy likes spending time with his wife.

Maybe I’m cracked up a bit, and I’ve had a little too much introspection lately, but I like this approach. It’s possible that this is something we’re thinking through because of the specific ages and personalities of our own children. But it’s been an interesting discussion.

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Continue reading Mom and Dad or Husband and Wife

The other night came across a journal I kept right after I had Bethel, when David was 16 months old. What struck me the most was the intensity with which I wrote about teaching David spiritual truths.

In the past, I’ve shocked a few people with “low expectations,” because I tend to think smart parents overestimate their children’s ability to understand abstract concepts. Now, I shocked myself because my youngest daughter is 26 months, significantly older in terms of comprehension, and I think I’ve been rather narrow in instruction lately.

I was particularly challenged not to expect my youngest child to simply “absorb” the instruction I give to the older two. So I prayed for an opportunity to spend some time with her, and God provided!

I’m certain God knew I needed a nudge at such a time as this, because baby has been more fussy than usual and needs more mom time. Since I’m rather scatterbrained, I missed the need and was simply chalking it up as mere fussiness and irritability.

The other afternoon, we sat together with my fuzzy blanket and talked. We talked about what and whom God sees. Does God see Mollie? [the dog] Does God see Laurel? Does God see Bethel cleaning her room [a little louder just in case Bethel was listening]? Does God see Laurel sharing with David? Does God see when Mommy tickles Laurel? Laurel likes these question games and we kept going as long as she was interested. I want my children to rejoice in God’s omniscience like King David.

O lord, thou hast searched me, and known me.

Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off.

Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways.

For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O LORD, thou knowest it altogether.

Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; Psalm 139:1-6

Now I’m praying for more opportunities to teach simple truths to my little one, and giving thanks to God for the wisdom that he gives at just the right moment.

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Continue reading Teaching Babies the Bible

I faithfully asked my children why we pray for our food, as I mentioned in this last post.

My children looked at me blankly. “The Bible says to?” asked Bethel after a long silence.

“Very good! Can you tell me what the Bible says?”

Nope. Still teaching, still repeating, still questioning.

Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise. From Psalm 100, which we might start saying at breakfast each morning for a week or two.

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Continue reading We Pray Because…

Every once in awhile I discover that I’ve held some faulty belief and it’s always a shock to have to change how I think about it.

I always assumed that young children are naturally kind toward animals. I’m sure that some probably are, but I’ve been surprised at how long it has taken for our children to understand this. I’m intrigued that compassion must be taught.

Yes, I realize that being nice to animals is a developmental issue, too. None of my children really understand that animals feel pain like we do. Each week it seems they try a different way of interacting with the dog that hurts her (or is at the least uncomfortable): hitting her back, pulling her tail, biting her tail, grabbing at her skin and pulling it, pulling her legs, and so on.

We started with education: I got a children’s book from the library that showed how dogs communicate. It was excellent. I hoped that would help them understand how the dog was already communicating that she didn’t like what they occasionally do to her.

We’ve talked about Proverbs 12:10 repeatedly:” Whoever is righteous has regard for the life of his beast,
but the mercy of the wicked is cruel.”

I’ve not talked about Deuteronomy 25:4, where God commands the Israelites not to prevent their oxen from eating as they worked.

We’ve been explaining that God cares very much how we treat our animals. It’s very important that they learn compassion for God’s creation. We keep teaching them how to treat their dog. We’ve given consequences for mistreatment after we’ve taught them what it is. But the mistreatment keeps morphing, and so we keep teaching.

It’s taking a long time for them to learn!

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Continue reading Hitting the Dog