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Crying over the Cereal Bowl

  • Posted on September 1, 2010 at 7:13 am

It’s Wisdom Wednesday

This week I have made good on my intention to help walk my children through applying Scripture. Today I’m writing about one of those times.

For background, my three year old is still excessively emotional, easily angered, and cries and whines when she doesn’t get her way. The hard part isn’t stopping her. She can generally stop on cue (and does, most of the time). Replacing the anger has been more challenging, so this week I’ve been walking through Philipians 4:6-7 with her.

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

I’ve explained that worry and anger crowd out peace and thankfulness. And thankfulness crowds out worry and anger. So I’ve been stopping the whining, and pointing out the good things she’s forgotten about. And I’ve been having her come up with her own things to be thankful for in the specific situation.

For example, yesterday I finished my shower to find Laurel sobbing in a heap by my door. She was upset because Bethel didn’t pour her enough cereal. Now, Bethel actually asked David for help, and they both explained to Laurel (and later to me) that they told her she could have more cereal after she finished what she had. As far as I could tell, it wasn’t mean spirited, it is consistent with how I would have handled the situation, and it was a reasonable action from the older siblings. Laurel’s response was wrong.

But, I explained to Laurel, You got your favorite cereal. You have a purple bowl (the coveted bowls and sometimes a source of more tears). Bethel let you pour your own milk. Because you were angry, you forgot about all those wonderful things. Now your turn. What else can you be thankful for?

Laurel came up with a few, came back to the table, and with a few snuffles finished her cereal (and she didn’t want more when she was finished, either).

How is Scripture changing your actions this week?

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Shaping Desires

  • Posted on August 6, 2010 at 6:54 am

More than ever I can see the difference when my children are doing something that they understand and agree with, and when they’re doing something only because I say so.

I’m not talking about cleaning their rooms, either. (I won’t complain if they suddenly develop a love for a clean room.)

  • I want them to love the right kind of friends.
  • I want them to love the Bible.
  • I want them to love serving others.

No answers today. Just prayers! I need to read God’s Word and obey what God has given me to do today. I can’t expect Him to guide me tomorrow if I’m not willing to obey him today.

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Time-Released Teaching

  • Posted on July 30, 2010 at 6:45 am

Wherever did I get the idea that children learn not to whine and scream for things within a few days or a week of dealing with it properly? I am intrigued how often I expect instant learning and 100% compliance from my children, when I still don’t always respond well when I don’t get my way. Then, when my children don’t learn as quickly as I expect they should, I get discouraged.

I’m pretty sure we’re acting wisely and consistently when we respond to our three year old. Although she can obediently change her request/demand on cue, she still regularly starts off with a whine or scream.

I don’t know if I’m quite able to keep track of amount of whining, but I think I’m going to try. That way I’ll be able to tell objectively if there’s improvement.

We’ll see. (Other factors: all kids are still a little more emotional from the move, all the kids seemed to have a spike in whining at this age)

And… it is true that I have debated about whether to make our children correct how they ask for something, and then give it to them, or not allow them to have what they’ve asked for, period. I think age makes a difference, as does the amount of teaching that a child has. I do know that I’ve done more of the second approach lately, in an effort to get the right action the first try.

Perhaps I need to remind myself not to be weary in well doing.

And let us not grow weary while doing good,
for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. Gal 6:9

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Singing I Go…

  • Posted on July 6, 2010 at 5:00 am

One of the things I’ve been working on especially with my younger two is getting on top of the complaining and whining. I have been thinking about when this happens.

On Saturday night after bathtime, I realized that the thirty seconds between getting out of the bath and getting pajamas on is often marked by whining. In a fit of inspiration, I wondered whether getting the girls singing before they got out would keep their minds happy during that period. I gave it a try.

Worked well. Tried it during another transition and failed miserably. Maybe I started the singing too close to the transition. There’s something to this, so I’m not giving up just yet. I remember that my mom started us singing in the car when we were young– she told me later it made good sense, because singing children don’t fight. (Well, sometimes we did, but still.) I’ll keep you posted.

This strategy is part of the realization that bringing every thought into captivity takes deliberate steps and hard work. I want to teach the skill to my children. If you hear me singing like a lunatic as I look for the best price on peanut butter at the grocery store, you’ll know why.

For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. 4 For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, 5 casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, 6 and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled. II Corinthians 10:3

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Disappointment or Bitterness?

  • Posted on June 24, 2010 at 5:00 am

We’re in temporary housing, and our table is really a ledge that seats three. For some reason it has become a point of contention which seat has the most perceived value to our three children. As a solution, Lee decided that at each meal, one child could have the choice of where to sit. That has mostly taken care of the whining.

Mostly. This morning David realized that because we ate at a restaurant for dinner last night, he lost his opportunity to choose the seat. He thought he should be able to choose the breakfast seat (no matter that then Laurel would lose the ability to choose a seat instead of him). When I told him that he would simply have to wait until the next dinnertime, he burst into tears.

As I tried to help him work through his grief, I realized that from his perspective, he was simply disappointed, no different than losing a contest or having an outing rained out. But there was something more going on besides disappointment, I think. I want to think through this a little. How can I tell the difference biblically between bitterness and envy, and disappointment? Then, how do I teach him the difference? More later.

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Search for Alone Time

  • Posted on June 15, 2010 at 5:18 am

Today I was thankful for the shady bench by the park.

I couldn’t have any quiet. The children weren’t ill mannered, but they did seem to be high maintenance. After Laurel woke up, we went to the park. I took my Bible.

I needed it. I was wrestling with being anxious. My what-ifs were starting to take on the appearance of a novel, with a complex plot and well-developed characters. I could feel myself impatient with my children– not walking in the spirit as we talked about earlier.

And I read… I meandered through Psalm 119. I reread Galatians 5 and 6. Read a few chapters in Proverbs. Read some Psalms– 32 and 34, 78. I read Psalm 23 carefully. I’m thankful that God leads me by still waters. I’m thankful that he leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. I needed the reassurance that he is leading, and he is in charge.

Finally, I could see clearly to be thankful: for spices in my van that I had forgotten I brought! for the park! for the mockingbirds and grackles! for a laundry basket to carry to the laundry instead of the suitcase.

**************

It’s now after dinner. I can still feel the tension in my chest, and a sharp hunger for alone time. Perhaps its a hormonal change. Perhaps the close quarters of the small apartment are harder on me than I thought. But I am pleased. When I left to do a few loads of laundry in blessed silence, and Bethel leaped up and asked to come, God gave me the grace to say yes.

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The Blessing of Disappointment

  • Posted on November 25, 2009 at 9:52 am

Lee’s mom and dad hit a deer on their way to New Mexico for Thanksgiving. They were unhurt, but their car was totaled, and it was cost and time prohibitive to come here after that. You might think, based on the reactions from our children, that it wasn’t that big of a deal.

However, last night, David came and tapped on our door. His nose was all stuffed up, he said. After a little bit of questioning and reassurances didn’t seem to help ease his mind, I realized that he was bothered about something else. So I asked what else was bothering him, and he started to cry. He was sad and disappointed about grandparents not coming.

Of course, my heart goes out to him. It’s hard to see your children hurting, even if there’s no blame for the sadness. God is good, because He is using this event to remind me that our children learn about the goodness of God from disappointments, too. I tried to say something comforting to him, and then he went back to bed. Then I had a thought.

I went and got a Bible, and took it to him. I found a flashlight and asked if he would like to read Psalm 23 if he couldn’t go to sleep. He nodded. I opened the Bible to the right place, put the flashlight on the Bible and put it on the end of his bed. He might have read, and he might not have, but what’s important is that he learns that God is our refuge and strength. I want to teach my children the process of turning to God when they are sad. I want him to know that disappointments remind us that our joy is to be found in God, and not merely His good gifts. Perhaps God will use this experience to show him his need of salvation.I am praying that he will see his need of the Good Shepherd.

Disappointments are hard, but they are also a blessing. I am grateful for the answer to prayer of insight into my quiet son’s soul. I’m praying that God will give me wisdom to minister to him further.

I wanted to talk today about encouraging one’s self. I love Psalm 46 and Isaiah 40. David says his favorite is Psalm 23. What Scripture do you go to when you are in need of encouraging yourself?

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What If They Never Saw You Cry?

  • Posted on September 15, 2009 at 10:48 am

What if your children never saw you cry? Would that be a good thing? More importantly, what if they never saw what to do when mom is sick or sad or afraid?

Children don’t tend to like tears. They don’t like being reminded that they are vulnerable. And when their rock– mom and dad– appears unstable, they feel their vulnerability more acutely.

But what if we show them by words and deeds that there is a rock higher than we are?

  • “Mommy isn’t feeling well, but I can remember that God knows everything and will help me. That makes me feel better.”
  • Or, “Mommy is sad right now. I always feel better when I read the Bible and remind myself that God loves me.”
  • “Jesus tells us not to be afraid when scary things happen. Nothing happens out of His will.”

Then, when scary things happen to our children, they’ll know where to go. Like when a computer was stolen from out of our house at night. Or when faced with a scary thunderstorm. Or when someone they love is hurting.

So, when mom is feeling sick, does she find comfort from the computer (brainless time) or the Bible? Ouch. Guess I need to get out my Bible and reevaluate my priorities.

From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee,
when my heart is overwhelmed:
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
Psalm 61:2

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Followup to a Tantrum

  • Posted on August 20, 2009 at 8:04 am

Several weeks back, I posted about a tantrum experience, and I’m still thinking about it.

  • I started out wondering, Can I stay, “Stop being angry”? Is that the same as saying “Stop being happy”? Historically, I’ve focused on the outward manifestation, basically allowing anger, but not allowing kicking, throwing, screaming, and so on. I have said “Do not kick because you are angry.” Part of the reason I’ve avoided saying “don’t be angry” is that it feels a bit like saying “stop being sad” and emotions aren’t easy to turn on and off. As I’ve thought on this, I realize that it’s in the Bible worded this way. Since God says it, I figure I can, too. :) Emotions are sustained by thought, so if I teach her how to change her thinking, it mght be a good thing to say “Stop being angry.”
  • I tried it. Laurel had a moment when she started to become unhappy because she wasn’t getting her way. I picked her up and told her that she was choosing anger because she did not get her own way. Then I told her to stop being angry. I told her to be thankful instead. And we thought of a few things to be thankful for.
  • Later in the car, I asked, “What’s wrong with complaining?” Bethel didn’t know. Laurel says “Because God says not to.” David thought that complaining was selfish because people don’t like to hear it. (hmmm….. I’m sure I’ve been teaching that by what I do say as well as what I don’t say.) Actually, complaining is sinful because it impugns the character of God– his ability to take care of me, and his great love for me. I had this conversation a few weeks ago, and just now I asked David, and he didn’t know again. Guess I need to reteach this concept.
  • Here is one passage where the character of God and his ability to provide are connected:

I am the LORD thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt: open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it.
But my people would not hearken to my voice; and Israel would none of me.
So I gave them up unto their own hearts’ lust: and they walked in their own counsels.
Oh that my people had hearkened unto me, and Israel had walked in my ways! Psalm 81:10-13

Here is another one.

Know ye that the LORD he is God: it is he that hath made us, and not we ourselves; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.
Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise: be thankful unto him, and bless his name.
For the LORD is good; his mercy is everlasting; and his truth endureth to all generations. Psalm 100:3-5

  • Tantrums involve failing to be self-controlled and content, and a failure to submit to authority. There are probably more sins in a tantrum that I haven’t thought of. I’ve been thinking about this idea since I’ve been comparing it to anger held inside. Now I’m wondering, Can I have an internal tantrum? Yep. I can manifest these same sins on the inside as I can on the outside. Is it just as bad? As a mom, I don’t respond my children the same way in these situations, and I want to know why. Is shouting I hate you worse than thinking it? Still thinking on this.

Still I’m thinking.

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Dealing with a Tantrum

  • Posted on July 16, 2009 at 10:54 pm

The other day, Laurel was as angry as I have ever seen her. It’s always good to examine big situations after the fact; perhaps I’ll improve in responding biblically.

She was happily playing and asked for a particular song to be put on, and when I put it on, she changed her mind and demanded that I put on something different. I declined. I was in the middle of reading a book with the other two children and hoped to be able to finish the story.

I tried ignoring her mild complaining, since she was acting somewhat tired, even though it was only midmorning. She got louder.

Then I put down the book and picked her up to deal with her in her room without distraction. She pushed away and got more angry.

Normally she’ll stop crying if I ask her a question. When I asked what the problem was, she kept repeating that she wants different music. She kept arching her back, and I wouldn’t let her. That made her more mad. She started to kick. I told her to stop kicking or I would spank her. Of course, she stuck her lip out and started kicking more and I spanked her. After that if she started to kick, I would say no, and she would stop. I feel pretty strongly that repeated spankings are not helpful or necessary, but I start to doubt myself in these types of situations.

She started saying, “I don’t like you” over and over. It’s the worst thing she can think of right now. But I didn’t discipline for it, I think because it seemed like she wasn’t being disrespectful as much as saying she wasn’t happy. I dunno. I responded each time by telling her “I love you. I love you so much that I will not allow you to… throw a tantrum. I had a hard time identifying what I wasn’t going to allow. This is actually funny to me now, since technically, she is throwing a tantrum and I couldn’t stop it. I still think it was the right thing to say, but maybe there’s something better.)

I had David get me a cup of water. At some point, I’ve found that the momentum of a tantrum can be stopped easily if they drink something. If they take the time to drink it, they often forget why they were crying, or realize they don’t want to be miserable and angry.

The second time I offered water, she took it and drank. Then she told me she was hungry. I told her she could eat when she chose to stop being angry and started being sweet and respectful.She said she would. Whew!

I helped her to ask forgiveness for disobeying, for kicking, and for saying unkind words. She did (repeating each phrase after me). Then I told her I forgave her and loved her, and she told me that she loved me too. And she gave me a hug.

Now I’m asking myself some questions. This is good for me. (If I hadn’t taken the time to think it through, I would probably have put it behind me quickly, and that’s wouldn’t be good for her or me.)

  • Should I have “preached” some? I didn’t say much about God or the gospel. That’s something I would probably do differently, but I’m not sure how. After the fact, she was pretty tired, and I started to talk, but decided against it. I could bring it up again, since it was a significant enough event that I think she will remember it. I think she’s old enough to talk about it after the fact. In fact, in the  few days since this incident we’ve had several discussions about anger and complaining and thankfulness.
  • Did I wait too long to deal with it? I think this is significant. I started out ignoring her complaining, but it’s possible that I really allowed her anger to escalate instead of stopping it before it got out of hand. That doesn’t help her or me. I don’t have the answer for this, but I noticed in the few days since this incident I’ve been quicker to stop the complaining and that’s worked better.
  • Should I have left her alone to cry it out, or was it right to hold her (much against her will) and physically restrain her? I think staying with her was the right thing this time. I had the time to spend (that’s not always possible), and in a way I felt like being with her was establishing my authority. (She ordered me to leave; perhaps I would have left had she not done so.)
  • What exactly am I disciplining for? Anger? Saying mean things? Screaming and yelling? Kicking? Lack of self-control? Extreme complaining? I felt like I didn’t (and still haven’t) gotten precise about what I don’t want to happen. Kicking isn’t a sin, and neither is yelling. The context makes it wrong, so I want to be careful that I am correctly identifying the problem/ sin.
  • I notice that her anger (and I suspect this is true at other times) happened when she was somewhat excluded. I’m not saying she shouldn’t be held accountable for the anger, but I do need to recognize that I’m not always aware when she feels left out. I thought she was happily playing. She started out in my lap and left when she got bored with the book, and I probably wouldn’t do anything different. Still, I see a pattern, and that’s worth thinking about.

That’s all. Next we’ll talk about some followup discussions we’ve had since then.

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