16June2008

Should I Ever Ignore Anger?

Posted by Michelle under: Emotions; Uncategorized.

These comments are in response to Diane’s comments here:

I don’t think we are ignoring it if we are displaying correct behavior on our part (which is your quest, from what I’ve read…mine too!) and teaching our kids to choose and model correct reactions (also on your 24/7 to-do list, I’ve seen). Those things are “gold” for those tiny ones. More is caught than taught when they are little bitty, I believe.

Diane, I think what you’re saying is that verbally correcting anger (as opposed to spanking for it) is an appropriate action. You seem to be making a distinction between various modes of responding to a problem, but maintaining a need to always respond. I like that.

First Thessalonians seems to give us insight that different actions fit different personalities and situations.

Now we exhort you, brethren, warn them that are unruly, comfort the feebleminded, support the weak, be patient toward all men. I Thessalonians 5:14

What we don’t see from this scripture is whether not responding at all might not be a right response.

I’ve experienced times where my baby (19 months) is so angry that she is completely irrational. I can tell her that her behavior is sinful, but she won’t hear me. I can spank her, but that doesn’t stop the screaming. At some point, it seems as though the best action is to put her in her bedroom with happy music and let her come out when she is happy again. I can relate. Since I have always turned into a pumpkin at ten o’clock, I have several memories of crying late at night and my father saying gently, “Go to sleep, dear. It will be better in the morning, and then we can talk.” Even as an adult, my husband has also found that line of use occasionally.

On the other hand, I’ve noticed my older children display the same anger more subtly. They’re not irrational or completely out of control like the baby can be, so I do correct this verbally in some way. I’m actually very consistent in responding.

I’m starting to see a little more clearly that my indecision is mostly related to “stopping screaming” (and as a related issue, “stopping crying”). I know of parents who spank to stop screaming and crying, and I’ve just not ever done it.

When Diane asks whether we as parents should ever ignore sin, there’s an underlying question that might help us come to a decision.

Maybe this is ignorant or overly-simple minded…but if anger is sinful behavior (regardless of the reason, except if it is “righteouse indignation”) then should it ever be ignored??

This question makes me wonder, Does God ever ignore our sin?

On the surface, we might say, absolutely not. Here are some verses that I’ve been thinking about along these lines.

If thou, LORD, shouldest mark iniquities, O Lord, who shall stand? Psalm 103:3

Hatred stirreth up strifes: but love covereth all sins. Proverbs 10:12

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Popularity: 78% [?]

5June2008

Ignore Anger or Address It?

Posted by Michelle under: Emotions; Uncategorized.

I’ve heard conflicting advice from people I respect about responding to anger with infants. Sometimes you’re supposed to ignore it: if he’s throwing a fit to get attention, then that advice makes sense. Other times, you’re supposed to stop it. Obviously if he’s hurting himself or others, that’s a good approach.

A good many times the correct response is not as obvious. I have an eighteen month old child who is learning about anger. I’ve noticed that sometimes I ignore her, and other times I respond. My response is usually consistent, but not always.

Is there any Scripture that will help me know how to respond? For sake of illustration, let’s consider the four-prong approach I described earlier.

First, let’s examine the possible underlying contributions and consider what could be contributing to or motivating fits of anger. These aren’t necessarily sin issues. Sometimes a particular personality is more prone to a particular challenge. In this case, you have the personality contributing to the problem as well as the sinful motivation at times. Sometimes there’s a need to be taught a particular concept. It doesn’t matter at this point what might be contributing to the challenge; it is more important that we’re considering as much as we can.

• Maybe she’s trying to get attention.
• Maybe she’s frustrated in trying to communicate.
• She might be hungry or sleepy.
• She might be imitating a peer, sibling, or parent.
• She might be exposed to anger on television.
• There’s a good chance someone has taken away her toy and she’s expressing her opinion of the theft.
• She also might be expressing her desire to go her own way instead of what mom told her to do. That would be rebellion. She might be angry because she is powerless to have her own way. The specific situation is going to give me more information. When is she angry? Under what circumstances?

There are certainly a good deal more motivations that I haven’t covered, and a mother is going to need wisdom as she considers what might be motivating the behavior causing concern. The age of the child sometimes makes a considerable difference in motivation. I find it helpful to try to make the distinction between developmental and spiritual contributions to the behavior, but at this point I’m simply brainstorming. It’s also easy to stay too vague: sin causes anger; pride causes anger. I want a little more detail, so I’m going to consider what they want, and what they believe about the situation.

Now let’s consider possible parental contributions.

• Maybe I have neglected to teach (how to ask for help, for example).
• Maybe I surrender my authority in some way when she is angry. If it works once, she’ll do it again.
• Perhaps I’m focused on my to-do list that I’m ignoring legitimate needs and desires.
• I might be modeling anger myself (either at others or in how I interact with my children).

To be sure, it is possible that a parent has contributed in no way to the anger. Still, we are commanded to respond to the log in our own eyes before we respond to our children’s struggles. I don’t think this means we have to be perfect before we teach, but we should at least be seeking repentance for the sin issues in our lives.

Judge not, that you be not judged. 2 For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. 3 And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? 5 Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. Matthew 7:1-5

Now I will intend to narrow down my list of possibilities into my best guess of the underlying contributions. Then I’ll work on understanding what to put off, renew, and put on. First I’ll address anything I need to put off and put on, then I’ll consider practical solutions to resolve contributions that are not sinful behaviors, and finally I’ll consider helping my child replace sinful behavior with righteous behavior. We’ll do that with the next post.

In the meantime, can you think of motivations and contributing factors that I have missed?

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Popularity: 63% [?]

28March2008

Still Thinking about Courage

Posted by Michelle under: Communication and Meaning; Emotions; Fear.

The American Heritage Dictionary defines courage as: “The state or quality of mind or spirit that enables one to face danger, fear, or vicissitudes with self-possession, confidence, and resolution; bravery.”

You can probably see a resemblance to the Latin cor, for heart.

Notice that courage could come from self-reliance or pride rather than from remembering our God.  It might be a helpful distinction when discussing secular appearances of courage. In one case, courage could be idolatry, although courage might be also be a result of confidence in one’s armor, or one’s commander, or one’s platoon. I’m thinking as a military wife now, but I cannot write these words without also thinking of the biblical analogies of war.

Notice also that courage is defined in relationship to fear, but not the absence of it. I suspect the confusion comes when courage is so strong that it appears fearless. My dad is facing a terminal illness, short of an organ transplant. When you talk to my mom and dad, they don’t sound afraid. It’s not that they lack feeling; they simply have developed a strong sense of trusting God and His providence in their lives. That might be a good illustration to tell David.

Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest. Joshua 1:9

Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. Isaiah 41:10

As Pastor Younts said yesterday,

We are weak by nature. This weakness naturally leads to fear and worry. However, the Scripture tells us that God’s power is made perfect in our weakness. II Cor. 12:9 It takes courage to recognize that we are weak but that we can trust God to give us the strength we need to follow him. With this mindset we don’t have to be defensive about weakness. This is a powerful lesson for children to learn. Perhaps even some adults could learn from this truth as well.

Yes, these are Scriptures for me, too! I’ll be thinking on them today.

Popularity: 39% [?]

Popularity: 39% [?]

27March2008

Bravery and Fear

Posted by Michelle under: Communication and Meaning; Emotions; Fear.

On the way home from church last night, one of my fascinating children talked about being afraid a year ago watching fireworks on July 4. I’m still interested in knowing how they understand fear, and I was particularly fascinated to wonder why this memory was brought up at that time. (We were merely looking at and talking about all the ball field lights across the city as we drove home.)

I agreed that fireworks could be scary (I don’t ever want them to feel silly talking about their fears to me).

I told them about being afraid of fireworks when I was a little girl. (empathy)

Then I asked if King David was ever afraid. Do you know how they answered?

No! [in a "silly mommy" tone of voice] Their answer tells me that they still don’t understand what bravery is.

Once again I reminded them that King David is the one who wrote: “What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee” (Psalm 56:3).

I’m starting to wonder though, whether I’m making it too simple. Sometimes fear can be a problem. God says he “has not given us the spirit of fear,” for example. We are also told not to worry, which is a form of fear. We are told several times directly to “fear not.” And I’m curious because I asked myself what the Bible word for brave is. Is it trust? I looked up these words in Bible Gateway and didn’t find much help. Any thoughts?

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Popularity: 55% [?]

18March2008

Followup to Fussy Toddler

Posted by Michelle under: Communication and Meaning; Emotions.

Today was one tearful episode after another, even with my full attention.

• She wanted to take away the book I was reading to the older two, and instead read the book she had. She did not want to sit in my lap. She then decided that she’d rather have the book that Bethel was holding and cried when she could not have it. I let her cry on this one.
• David and Bethel turned our living room into a stable, and Laurel wanted to play with the blocks, too. She wasn’t content with a few, and she didn’t want to play with me in the room. She cried when I wouldn’t let her play with the other blocks. I resolved this conflict by asking her if she wanted to go take a bath, and I cleaned the bathroom while she played. She became frustrated because I wouldn’t dump water in the tub (I had already done it several times), and wanted out.
• I wondered whether her mouth was hurting since it looks like a tooth is coming through. But I’ve been blaming fussiness on that same tooth for several weeks! I gave her some Motrin just in case.
• Several times I couldn’t figure out what she wanted. At one point, she was nearly completely irrational. I put her to sleep, even though she had already taken a short nap, and although it was late afternoon. She slept about an hour.
• David and Bethel wanted to play with puzzles. Laurel wanted to take their pieces. She was happy to play with her own puzzles with me, but got distracted and went to take pieces away from David. I told her to give the pieces to David. She didn’t respond. I think she understood, but I wasn’t sure, so I simply scooped her up and walked over to David. Then I helped her give them to David.Puzzles are hard.
• Before we went to bed, she wanted her shoes on over her pajamas. She cried when I told her no, took her shoes to her dad and cried when he said no. I distracted her successfully. She was happy to go to bed.

I’m praying that God will give me wisdom. Since I posted my observations about my fussy toddler, I’ve been watching for her response. I’ve been working at being attentive to her, by playing with her, by keeping her with me when I work, and by keeping my mind focussed on teaching her that she is not the center of the universe. I don’t know that I see a difference in her yet, but I’m less on edge with her, and that’s a good thing. I’m praying that God will continue to give me insight into the motivations behind her actions.

Yes, much of her tears reflect an inability to communicate. Seeing this motivation helps me not become weary or impatient with her frustration, because I know that as she grows, this part of the problem will resolve itself. I can help by repeating in simple words what I think she is trying to say, or what I want her to know or do. Sometimes I find myself repeating in four different two-word sentences a single thought. I think this is helpful.

Some of her tears are indeed her dismay at finding out that she is not the center of the universe. She cannot take toys away from her siblings, mother cannot always immediately serve her the beverage of choice, and she doesn’t always have the option of doing exactly what she pleases. I could avoid these tears by leaving her in the center of her universe, but that wouldn’t be a good thing for her or me. I’m setting the stage for teaching her that God is the center of her universe. That means I have to remain constant when I have determined a course that she disagrees with. It’s easy to give in. This afternoon, she wanted a pickle without eating her sandwich. I told her as simply as I could that the pickle was for after sandwich. She cried and I started to waver. I removed all but a few small pieces of sandwich so she wouldn’t be overwhelmed. Still she pushed the plate away. Eventually, she took a piece of bread, and then flung it away from her. I then took her out of her highchair (the expected consequence) and calmly washed her hands and put her down to play. Some may respond differently, but what is important to me is that she did not win the essential conflict.

Tomorrow is a new day! We’ll see how she does then.

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Popularity: 31% [?]

14March2008

Fussy Toddler

Posted by Michelle under: Child Development; Communication and Meaning; Emotions.

My youngest daughter is seventeen months old. She seems like she’s peaked a need for close attention. She is fussy, doesn’t seem to know what she wants (cries if I put her down, cries if I pick her up, really cries if I sit down at the computer), and has been throwing little fits when she doesn’t get her way. I’ve been thinking through our need to teach her and help her learn, and I’ve come to the conclusion that this is a stage that will pass, although I believe it is important to respond well. Here is why I think the problem is temporary.

• Some of the trouble is that we’re away from daddy for the week. That’s not an excuse, but it is a part of the difficulty that will resolve when we go home tomorrow.
• Part of the problem is language development. She’s still learning how to communicate, and I believe some of her frustration is a difficulty understanding me, and me understanding her. As she develops her language skills, this part of the problem will take care of itself.
• Another part of the problem is that she has a great desire to follow David and Bethel, but she’s developmentally unable to do much of what they do. This, too, will change as she grows more able to keep up with them.
• She’s also at an age where she’s not able to entertain herself well. Today I remember that Bethel struggled with the same exact problem when she was this age. It was also at the same time I decided to teach an online class, which in retrospect was precisely the four months she needed me the most. I remember being frustrated because I couldn’t get anything done, and that there was nothing that I could give her that would keep her entertained longer than three minutes. Remembering this helped me think through how I need to adjust my expectations a bit with Laurel.
• Yes, some of her problem is that she’s testing her boundaries. She’s learned that mommy’s instructions aren’t always what she wants to do. This is the part that needs more attention.

Even though it is a temporary stage, I’ve decided that probably for the next few months, I need to give more one-on-one time with baby. I need to be careful that I don’t do my best to keep her entertained by herself, but instead keep her with me where I can interact with her. I shouldn’t be frustrated that she sleeps less than the other children; rather, I should be thankful that God has given me some extra time to interact without distraction.

Remind me of that if I start to complain!

Popularity: 30% [?]

Popularity: 30% [?]

3March2008

Honking Horns and Stomping Feet

Posted by Michelle under: Communication and Meaning; Emotions.

The other day while we were driving a car beside us honked his horn in anger at the car who was not moving to turn right, in spite of a clear ability to do so. David asked why the man honked.

I told him that some people honk to communicate and some honk when they are angry. If a driver is changing lanes and doesn’t see me, I’ll honk so he knows I’m beside him. If I’m at a stop light and the person in front of me doesn’t see that the light is green, I might honk to help him look up and go.

I thought of a brilliant comparison, since I had observed it that morning. When people honk because they are angry, it’s a lot like children who stomp their feet when they are angry.

At this, Bethel told us that she likes to stomp her feet, and David observed that it was possible to stomp feet and not be angry.

Right. What makes it right or wrong is what we are thinking. If you stomp your feet because you are angry, that’s bad. If you’re stomping your feet because you are happy, that’s okay. Same as honking your horn, it depends on what a person is thinking.

I would have liked to have tied the conversation to Philippians 4:8, but I got distracted, I think. Next time I’ll be ready. Still, it was a good conversation. I think they understood.

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Popularity: 27% [?]

5February2008

Teaching Babies– Crying Again

Posted by Michelle under: Communication and Meaning; Emotions; Uncategorized.

Sometimes I think dealing with crying is one of the biggest challenges for a mom of an infant. It takes a good deal of wisdom to know how to respond. What is good advice for a 15 month old isn’t always good advice for a 2 week old. Sometimes it’s appropriate to let a baby cry; sometimes it’s appropriate to comfort. There are numerous variables that might influence how a mother responds. What biblical principles govern how I respond? Here are some I can think of. Maybe you can suggest some others.

Be gentle: But we were gentle among you, just as a nursing mother cherishes her own children. I Thessalonians 2:7

As you know how we exhorted, and comforted, and charged every one of you, as a father does his own children. I Thessalonians 2:11

Take care of physical needs (boredom is a need): Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee. Isaiah 49:15But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19

Know your child’s limits: There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. I Corinthians 10:13

Sometimes crying is okay: Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying. Proverbs 19:18

Today I spent a good deal of time holding my baby. Maybe it’s teething, maybe she’s developing a cold, I’m not sure. What’s helpful for me is realizing when her fussiness is atypical. When it is, I try not to worry about spoiling, the baby or creating bad habits; I simply hold her when she needs it. Sometimes if I think she’s got a good reason to be fussy (like a big molar coming through her gums), then I’ll give her some motrin, especially if she’s not sleeping well.I noticed today that Laurel also cried when I closed the bedroom door to get dressed, when I left to go to the bathroom, and when I was washing the breakfast dishes. I got dressed quickly but didn’t let her in. She cried the whole time (but she would have cried had I let her in the room, too). I let her come in the bathroom where I was, and got her coloring with David while I worked in the kitchen.

Laurel doesn’t cry with frustration as much as Bethel did. It was a major effort trying to get Bethel to ask for help instead of screaming when she was Laurel’s age. I still deal with the frustration of trying to do something, but usually with Laurel, she’s trying to be like her siblings and getting in their way instead. Sometimes I make them include her, and sometimes I take her elsewhere. Usually I come over to where she’s struggling, say Help me, mommy! and then help her.

Sometimes the cry of frustration is a good one. It means they’re struggling to learn something new. It’s one of the reassuring ways that I know sometimes allowing a child to cry is a good thing. When Laurel was learning to crawl, she would cry and my tendency was to go pick her up and take her where she wanted to go. But that wasn’t what was best for her. I could comfort her, encourage her, but arranging the environment so that she didn’t cry wasn’t what was best for her. That situation gave me the courage to allow her to cry at night even though it was hard for her and me. It helps me refuse to cater to her when she’s demanding a toy some other child has, even though I know she will cry when I say no.

Popularity: 25% [?]

Popularity: 25% [?]

16January2008

How to Respond to Whiny Children

Posted by Michelle under: Emotions; Getting Along; Wisdom.

Around our house, we’ve seen a glut of complaining recently, and not just in my children. I’ve noticed my own self complain more than once, and I’ve heard the same whiny tone in my own voice that I dislike in my children’s. So I determined this Wisdom Wednesday to work on something that we can remember.

While the children were eating breakfast, I read them passages from Exodus and told them the story of the children of Israel whom God protected and provided for. I asked them whether they thought the children of Israel would be thankful for what God did, or complain about what they didn’t have. Both Bethel and David thought they would be happy, so they were surprised when I read how they complained (in my best whiny voice). We all decided they should have trusted God, and been thankful (They should have been thankful, and should not have complained, should they? Nooooooooo, they should not have complained.)

Then we turned to I Thessalonians 5:18:

In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.

We could also have looked at Philippians 2:14, but I wanted a verse that gave what they should be doing. Maybe we’ll do that one next.

Then we talked about times where we should give thanks instead of complaining. Right now, washing dishes is a very popular chore (!), so we talked about how we could be thankful that someone else gets a turn. We talked about trusting God and being thankful when someone else gets the swings first at the church playground. And we talked about being thankful when someone else gets a cheese stick and there are none left for the others. These are huge challenges.

Now I must be thankful when the baby wakes up before I’m ready, or when a huge box of cereal is spilled, or when I lose my purse and have to go through hoops to get new ID. I’ve told God thank you for these things, and I’m praying that he’ll help me remember to be thankful when the next crisis hits.

How is Scripture and the Holy Spirit changing you? If you’d like to try, click here.

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Popularity: 29% [?]

15January2008

What I’ve Been Saying

Posted by Michelle under: Communication and Meaning; Emotions.

Of course, there are the non-helpful things that I didn’t include, like Stop crying or Let mommy finish this on the computer. And I didn’t put any specific praise comments, although I hope (and think) that I say these repeatedly, too. I don’t remember those words, but these are the things I’ve been saying more than once throughout the day and somehow they’ve stuck with me. Do you ever feel like a broken record? I do! But I’m reminding myself that I must be faithful in the small things.

Laurel:

• Say help me
• Come. When mommy says come, you must obey. This is how you come.
• Mommy will be right back.

Bethel:

• Think about what you are doing right now.
• Try asking again without whining.
• Use your spoon.
• Mommy will not leave you.

David:

• You’ve already told mommy ________. If you say it again you are complaining.
• Was that good teasing or unkind teasing?

II Thessalonians 3:10-13 For even when we were with you, this we commanded you, that if any would not work, neither should he eat. For we hear that there are some which walk among you disorderly, working not at all, but are busybodies. Now them that are such we command and exhort by our Lord Jesus Christ, that with quietness they work, and eat their own bread. But ye, brethren, be not weary in well doing.

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Popularity: 18% [?]