As4Me » Fear

Responding to Halloween

Michelle — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 12:40:11 +0000

Our children asked us the other day if we were going trick or treating this year. Once again, they have polled all the church kids and figured out that some of their friends go trick or treating, and some don’t. Again, I told them that Halloween is mostly about darkness and evil things. Now, my children are observant. They know that children (at least the ones they know) aren’t celebrating darkness; they just like candy. But when you go into the stores and see the decorations, it’s clear what the “holiday” is about. They see the fear and scary part of halloween, too. Since we we are children of light, and since we believe that there really are evil things in the world, we don’t celebrate halloween.

This is the best I can do for explanations that will make sense to a child. We like dress up and candy. That’s why we’ve invited friends over to play games and eat the Halloween candy that we’re giving out. I did explain that I don’t believe other Christians are acting wisely when they celebrate Halloween as the world celebrates it. Doesn’t it make sense to do what we think is best and wisest? And doesn’t it make sense, in that case, to teach why, and to hope that others also learn to think wisely about halloween? I don’t apologize for our approach, but we did spend time talking about how we all have blind spots, how we can learn from others, and how different Christian families can respond to halloween as Christians differently. That’s a hard one, because I know my children wish we were like the Christians who go trick or treating! When I see them, I’m a little afraid– maybe I’m not taking the right approach….

Here is the note we gave to our neighbors last year. We’re in a new place, and I’ve been thinking about giving this note out again. I am uncomfortable with leaving tracts in children’s bags– I know the children are coming to our door, but I know if I were an unsaved parent, I wouldn’t like it. If I found the right tract, maybe I wouldn’t be uncomfortable. But who are the parents who walk right up to the door with their children? It’s the fearful ones. I might give tracts to them, and candy to the children. We’ll see.

Nevertheless, the note I wrote is convicting to me. Perfect Love DOES cast out fear. So why I am I ever afraid? It makes little sense to hold out an offer that God’s love answers our fears, if I’m not genuinely responding to fear in a conquering, biblical way. So I’m taking a moment to think of the things that send chills in my life, and I’m reminding myself that God has it all under control. Be not afraid, ye of little faith!

Last night, as we were eating dinner, I got out our Bible. Here is the passage I read to them:

For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light ⁹ (for the fruit of the Spirit^[b]isin all goodness, righteousness, and truth), ¹⁰ finding out what is acceptable to the Lord. ¹¹ And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather expose them. ¹² For it is shameful even to speak of those things which are done by them in secret. ¹³ But all things that are exposed are made manifest by the light, for whatever makes manifest is light. ¹⁴ Therefore He says:

“ Awake, you who sleep,
Arise from the dead,
And Christ will give you light.” (Ephesians 5:8-14)

BTW, this isn’t a hill I would die on. If my husband loved trick or treating, if the cousins all had a tradition of trick or treating together, I’d make a distinction between light and darkness in a different way.Similar Posts:

Why Not Repent?

Michelle — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 10:00:25 +0000

Had a good actual discussion with one of my children about salvation.

I mentioned that the Bible talks about a number of people who were reluctant to be saved or repent, and that we can see several reasons for not doing so. We chatted about a few.

The pharisees were more concerned about what people thought of them: they loved the praise of men more than the praise of God.
The woman who came to Jesus by secretly touching his robe was afraid.
Herod wanted to keep sinning.
There might be other reasons, too.

Since one limitation I’ve found with my children is that not all of them are quick with words, I want to be able to give words in a non-threatening or pressured way. I don’t want to say, “This is what your motivation is…” or even “I think this is what your motivation is…” Instead, I want to give some options and see what they identify. One thing I am learning is the art of staying neutral in conversation (I’m not good at it, but I am getting better!) Since I had an interested child, I asked if any of the reasons that we talked about were ones that applied in that child’s life.

fear, mostly.

really? Okay. I poked a bit, but that was the end of the conversation. Guess that what God has given me to work with, and I should act based on what I know (not worry about what I don’t know)

Okay. It occurs to me that Nicodemus was afraid, too, but he came to Jesus. Perfect love acts out fear (we did read Treasures in the Snow because of the excellent spiritual discussions along those lines) Maybe I can think of more. And that might make a good breakfast conversation.Similar Posts:

Another Way to Fight Fear

Michelle — Thu, 24 Mar 2011 11:20:36 +0000

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; ⁷ and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.⁸ Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. ⁹ The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you. Philippians 4:6-8

Sometimes our prayers do little for our fears. I wonder whether it is because we are practicing the opposite of verse 8 (dwelling on the bad things that we can’t change), neglecting thanksgiving (verse 6), and not being obedient to the things we can change (verse 9).

Yes, this week, I’ve had opportunity to put this passage into practice. I’ve seen God calm my fears, put them into perspective, and challenge me to action. That’s an answer to my prayers, but I’d be grateful if you prayed for me more! I’ll pray for you, too. How is God’s Word changing you this week?Similar Posts:

From What Shall We Flee?

Michelle — Mon, 22 Nov 2010 13:05:30 +0000

There’s a paradox in Christianity, that, while Christians are told to avoid danger, Christians are also known for their boldness in face of danger. That’s worth considering for awhile. What makes the difference? Are these Christians consistent in theology and practice, or not?

It has been correctly pointed out that Christians are not told to flee from Satan. We are to resist Satan, and he will flee from us. Does it follow that Christians who flee sin are acting immaturely? On the contrary! The biblical evidence suggests that a vigorous, deliberate avoidance of sin, along with the passionate pursuit of godliness, is the responsibility of mature believers. Let’s look and see some of what the Bible tells us to flee:

We are to flee fornication (I Corinthians 6:18-19)
We must flee idolatry (I Corinthians 10:13-14) (Two interesting thoughts: first, the whole context makes it clear that the idolatry Paul is talking about is broader than worshiping a wooden statue. Second, it is interesting that we are told to flee idolatry in light of the previous verse– God’s work and my work: he provides a way of escape, we flee)
We should flee greed and pride.
1But thou, O man of God, flee these things; and follow after righteousness, godliness, faith, love, patience, meekness. I Timothy 6:11
You have to read the context, but it’s important to note that a MAN OF GOD (not just a weaker brother) is told to flee something, and further, that running away from sin implies the need to be running towards something else. I think it’s appropriate to suggest that anytime we are fleeing sin, we should be deliberately pursuing godliness.)
We should flee youthful lusts, no matter what our age
Flee also youthful lusts: but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart. II Timothy 2:22
(again, note this is a mature believer told to flee, and again, note that Timothy is told to pursue something else in its place.)
We should avoid the path of the wicked, and the way of evil men Proverbs 4:14-16
We are told to avoid divisiveness (Romans 16:17, and others!)
We are also told to avoid friendships with angry people
Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go:²⁵Lest thou learn his ways, and get a snare to thy soul. Proverbs 22:24-25
It is wise to avoid friendships with fools (biblically defined as a rebel against God)
He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed. Proverbs 13:20
Twice we are told that it is wise to see danger ahead, and take steps to avoid it. A simple person passes on and is punished. Proverbs 22:3 and Proverbs 27:12

What can we learn from all these passages? It is clearly good and right to avoid moral danger. It is the mark of a mature, wise believer. We should encourage other believers (as Solomon and Paul did) to avoid danger. This is not the legalism of the Pharisees. When a Christian flees sin, he should be pursuing godliness. Fleeing sin does not equal sinful fear.

We still need great wisdom in correctly identifying danger. We haven’t talked about weighing the cost of avoiding danger (i.e., how far should I take avoiding danger) We haven’t considered the relationship between being in the world but not of it. Or avoiding evil people, but still sharing the gospel with them. We haven’t discussed adequately whether we should fear moral danger, and we haven’t considered yet what our attitude should be toward physical danger. Finally, we haven’t yet considered how these things apply to our responsibility as parents. There’s a lot to think about.Similar Posts:

Perspective and Danger

Michelle — Fri, 12 Nov 2010 16:06:00 +0000

I’m still thinking about fear and parenting. It’s a big topic, which is probably why I haven’t written more sooner. I’m still trying to wrap my mind around it. Long time readers already know that one of the first things I do when thinking about a topic is to try to understand what it IS. We are not always careful to define our terms well, and we’re satisfied with the mediocrity of vagueness. Even me! Blech.

Since the phrase “parenting by fear” is how I got started on this path, I’m still thinking about that particular phrase. I think it’s an unhelpful phrase, particularly because it appears precise, but is in fact too vague to mean something without a great deal of qualifying.

We all would agree that a large part of responding to danger is the ability to assess exactly what the danger is all about. This is important, and we’ll come back to this thought later.

When a mother responds to an obvious and acute danger, we would not accuse her of “parenting by fear.” A mother who pulls her child out of a burning house would not be criticized by acting out of fear. The fear is real and justified, and we admire the woman for doing what is right, in spite of that fear (in fact, this is the definition of bravery I give my children, along with Psalm 56:3).

Sometimes a mother responds to something I don’t consider dangerous, and I might smile benignly at her actions. First-time mother, I think, as she carefully cleans the pacifier that dropped on the floor. Cleaning the pacifier every time it hits the floor is certainly more work for the mother, but the baby doesn’t really care. We don’t usually hear someone accused of “parenting by fear” in these cases, although such a parent might in fact be driven by ungodly fear. At this point, we start to come to the understanding that the phrase “parenting by fear” is a judgment, a criticism, and a reflection of our own assessment of the danger another person faces. Our response to mothers like this depends on our own experience and perspective. Solidarity? Understanding? Condescension? Disgust? All depends on how dangerous I think the paci on the ground really is, and how normal I consider the fear to be.

Sometimes, a mother might respond in a way that we consider detrimental to the child, in response to a perceived danger. It seems to be in cases like these that the “parenting by fear” accusation shows up. A parent who is so fearful of germs that she doesn’t let her child play with other children is “parenting by fear.” When a parent appears to us to be irrational, or overreacting, or acting not in the best interest of her child, we say she’s “parenting by fear.”

Do you understand why the phrase “parenting by fear” is neither helpful nor meaningful? It is not based so much on truth [whether the danger is something that can or should be avoided, or what the risk actually is, or the actual motives of a parent], but on perception. It can conflate responsible acting in the face of danger with acting irrationally in the face of insignificant risk. If you see a danger that I don’t, then I’m going to react incorrectly to your actions to protect your children. If your children are in danger because of their particular personality, situation, struggle, or age, does it follow that every child is likewise in danger?

The variables are too great, and “parenting by fear” is too vague. It may be helpful at times for an individual to examine her own motives for avoiding a danger, for her to assess the risk, and for her to make adjustments accordingly. But something about this phrase makes it harder to sort out the good from the bad. Clearly, we need to think better before throwing out useless phrases such as this one.

On that note, we’ll talk next about assessing risk biblically.Similar Posts:

Overcoming Nightmares

Michelle — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 11:59:25 +0000

I have been blessed with a daughter who has a vivid imagination. We keep a bathroom light on all night, and we have night lights in every room of the lights (I have a husband who thinks lights are cool). Still, on occasion she wakes us up because she has had a nightmare.

Last night she came in, heart beating fast and voice all shaky, because she had a bad dream. It was too terrible to talk about, she said, but it did have an earthquake in it. I let her lie beside me for a few minutes, and then I started to help her put the dream behind her so she could go back to sleep.

I didn’t tell her anything new, but I did categorize it differently. I explained that God made us in such a way that when we fill our minds with good thoughts, the bad thoughts go away. She asked how, and I told her she could think of three things:

She could imagine something pleasant. Since Bethel likes horses, I asked her what she would name a horse if she had one. I gave her a few things to think about along those lines.
She could also think about how God has blessed her in the past. I asked her what happy things have happened to her lately. We went on a happy rain walk yesterday, and Bethel merrily splashed in every puddle along the way. I helped her remember how much fun she had. Remembering what God has done for us is another good thing we can think about.
She could also think about God. I told her that remembering how God takes care of his people can help us trust him too. I reminded her that God gave the children of Israel manna. She added that God gave them meat as well. I asked her how God led them, and she remembered the pillar of fire and the cloud.

Then she went back to sleep (after asking if she could sleep on the couch and get the ladybug flashlight– I said no and yes).

I do know that, in addition to these things, a knowledge of the things that frighten children can also diffuse their fears. A science book on thunder and lightning has been helpful, as was the knowledge that hurricanes travel relatively slowly. That’s something we can talk about in the daytime. I want to help them understand that knowledge often helps us not to be afraid. They have friends who are afraid of bats and bugs more because they don’t know anything about them than because bats and bugs are inherently creepy. At the same time, since we can never eliminate 100% danger, we have to accept that life is full of risks and live our lives in spite of those risks.

Those three categories are pretty nifty. If she can learn that she is not at the mercy of her thoughts, she’ll be ahead of most grownup women who struggle with fear, anger, and depression. It’s a good reminder for me, how important it is to discipline my mind to think on good things.

I think today we’re going to talk about “Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on thee.”Similar Posts:

Teaching the Children

Michelle — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 15:17:24 +0000

Today I asked my children what they worried about. I didn’t get very far. Before long, I realized I was teaching the children myself a needed lesson. I told them myself about what worry is and what God says about it. We talked about the things people can worry about: when we say something and feel silly, when we wish we had done better in soccer, how we’re going to get the house clean, children schooled appropriately, and moving accomplished sanely.

Can they I deliberately obey God’s Word this week? Yep.

What am I supposed to do instead of worry? Paul says to pray and be thankful. I can do that right now; I realize how helpful it is to remind myself about God’s provision in the past. And I can listen to my husband (that’s rather spiritual, don’t you think?) who told me a few nights ago to make a list. He’s right– it’s not as frightening when I have my tasks all laid out neatly in front of me.

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; ⁷ and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

“Are not five sparrows sold for two copper coins?^[a] And not one of them is forgotten before God. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows. Luke 12:6-7

(Actually we talked for all of us, but I realize I needed the talk more than the children! Maybe tomorrow we’ll talk about this more and walk them through the process of applying the Philippians passage to their own lives.)Similar Posts:

When I Am Afraid…

Michelle — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 02:43:45 +0000

Last night I awoke in a foggy blur to a little voice calling my name. At my side was Bethel, saying, “I was afraid you were not back yet.” I assured her that we had gotten back from our date soon after they were asleep, gave her a hug and kiss, and then asked her if she could go back to sleep. She nodded and started to leave.

Then she turned around and said intensely, “What can I think about?”

Joy! Even in the fogginess, I was tickled that she understood she was still feeling fearful and the solution was to think differently. I reminded her that Daddy had the day off, and she went to bed happy.

Then I was awake, and troubled. I spent some time worrying about what the future might hold, until I remembered my little one asking me “What can I think about?” As I began to consider what Christ has done in my life, and how he paid the price for my salvation, there was no more room for worry. God in his grace gave me good sleep.

Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it: except the LORD keep the city, the watchman waketh but in vain. It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows: for so he giveth his beloved sleep. Psalm 127:1-2

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What If They Never Saw You Cry?

Michelle — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 15:48:14 +0000

What if your children never saw you cry? Would that be a good thing? More importantly, what if they never saw what to do when mom is sick or sad or afraid?

Children don’t tend to like tears. They don’t like being reminded that they are vulnerable. And when their rock– mom and dad– appears unstable, they feel their vulnerability more acutely.

But what if we show them by words and deeds that there is a rock higher than we are?

“Mommy isn’t feeling well, but I can remember that God knows everything and will help me. That makes me feel better.”
Or, “Mommy is sad right now. I always feel better when I read the Bible and remind myself that God loves me.”
“Jesus tells us not to be afraid when scary things happen. Nothing happens out of His will.”

Then, when scary things happen to our children, they’ll know where to go. Like when a computer was stolen from out of our house at night. Or when faced with a scary thunderstorm. Or when someone they love is hurting.

So, when mom is feeling sick, does she find comfort from the computer (brainless time) or the Bible? Ouch. Guess I need to get out my Bible and reevaluate my priorities.

From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee,
when my heart is overwhelmed:
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
Psalm 61:2

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When the Lights Go Out

Michelle — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 10:00:38 +0000

Tonight we lost power for an hour. Thankfully, I had already let the kids talk me into eating by candlelight (you do this sort of thing for poor children who are probably in the throes of grief because their father is on the other side of the earth). As I relit the candles, and found a few more, the children’s reaction was comforting.

They wanted to be close to mom, and reassured that all was well even though something dramatic had changed the predictability of their world. We talked factually about power outages, pioneers, and the blessings of candlelight.

As I put them to bed, I told them that I’d be up for a bit. I left candles in their rooms and started to go out the door to check my…

“Are you going to read your Bible now?” Bethel wanted to know.

“Yes, Bethel, I’m going to read my Bible.” I made that decision a split second before I replied, and I’m glad I did. I realized later that my children were anticipating my response based on a perceived scary event. In other words, they assumed I would read my Bible because they assumed I was as frightened as they were.

I know this is true because after a minute, David asked if I’d read out loud. Again, I was encouraged. How merciful is God! I struggle to read the Bible consistently, am repeatedly convicted about spending more time on the computer with my Bible, but nevertheless deeply desire to love God’s word like my parents did; I have children who have learned in spite of my failings that God and His Word is our refuge.

Praise the Lord. Not unto us be glory, but unto Him.Similar Posts: