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Parenting-by-Proxy Part 2

  • Posted on August 16, 2010 at 5:00 am

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how my children respond to sinning siblings and friends.

When we sat at lunch last week, I spent some time talking about the responsibility a mom and a dad have to teach and discipline their children. (I’m really interested in their responsibility, but talking about something they need to know indirectly seems to result in children a little more verbally interactive and less defensive.)

I asked if they could think of a verse where God gives parents the authority and responsibility to discipline their children. They correctly identified Ephesians 6:1 as a good example (it specifically demonstrates to children that they must submit to the authority of their parents, but it works). I gave them a couple more.

Then I asked if God gave siblings the authority and responsibility to discipline and teach their brothers and sisters. They giggled a bit, and we all agreed that God didn’t command brothers and sisters to obey each other.

Or did He?

I asked them what Cain meant when he said “Am I my brother’s keeper?” We talked about how, although brothers and sisters don’t have the same authority and responsibility to each other than parents and children have, they still have a responsibility to each other.

Then I told them that Jesus talked about our relationship with brothers and sisters, too. (I didn’t go into the distinction between spiritual siblings and biological ones.) We looked at Matthew 7.

“Judge not, that you be not judged. 2 For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. 3 And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? 5 Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. Matthew 7:1-5

We discussed what Jesus was talking about. Then I asked them what the problem was when one sibling called out to mom “David’s not cleaning his room” while at the same time having a messy room.

I asked them how they could love their sibling, and whether it was right to leave one’s messy room and start cleaning brother’s room. I referenced “Love does not look on her own interests.” That passage really addresses the motives for “helping.” We decided that it was probably loving to clean up one’s room first, and then go help brother clean his room. Or encourage him. Or pray for him. Lots of responses. (sometimes it is appropriate to tell mom. We didn’t talk about that response this time, but we have in the past, and we will in the future!)

Several times since this discussion, I’ve referred back to these passages. I’m interested in how often a discussion like this one sometimes lasts for days and weeks. Now, I see the connection between how my children deal with problems, and passages in Scripture that directly address motives and actions. Cool.

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Parenting-by-Proxy Problem

  • Posted on August 13, 2010 at 5:40 am

Typical Scenario:

David is instructed to pray with siblings and start eating lunch while mom finishes folding clothes.

Mom enters the room five minutes later to find no prayers said, a few nibbles out of Bethel and Laurel’s sandwiches, no prayer said, and David trying to keep a grip on his sister’s hand.

When asked why no prayer has been said, David replies, “Laurel is not sitting up in her chair.”

Another typical scenario:

Mom hears Laurel calling for help. When she comes upstairs, Mom asks Bethel (who is standing next to Laurel), “Why didn’t you help your sister?” Bethel answers “Because she wasn’t asking without whining.”

In these scenarios, my children are responding to a sinning sibling by imitating mom and dad’s parenting style. The problem is that mom and dad have a responsibility and authority that children do not have. That makes the “intervention” obnoxious and often ill-received.

So, on the quest to biblically define the problem behavior and motivation, and then biblically identify its replacement, I discovered that my children look remarkably similar to us adult believers when we attempt to correct fellow believers (loving confrontation, of course) without love and grace. This observation is going to help me help them, and I suspect God is going to teach me some lessons as well.

On Monday, I’ll tell you what Scriptures I’ve been sharing and what we’ve been talking about.

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The Importance of Choosing Friends

  • Posted on August 10, 2010 at 5:00 am

It has been fun to watch God answer prayer regarding friends, just in this last week.

  • God allowed me to see occasions where young people my children admire greatly demonstrated genuine Christian love and character. I bragged for a long time about those friends on the way home from church, and told my children how pleased I was that they were choosing wise friends to admire.
  • God is helping my own children to seek out sweet children, some with a relationship with Christ.
  • God has helped me to deny my own preferences (to be a hermit) in order to allow my children more time at church playing with others. (Tonight we left at 9:00!) It was a blessing to seem them interacting with others.
  • God has helped me to find several like minded families in our church with children our own children’s ages who also live within driving distance and whose schedules permit getting together.
  • God is reminding me that finding friends, organizing play dates, and teaching my children what to value in friends is time worth spent. It’s not something I would have felt an urgency about had I not been thrown into a new environment, far from my comfort zone. (Once again, He’s used the military in my life for good.) It is far too easy to go along with the status quo and just be happy that my children are out of trouble and not bothering me, even when they’re playing with good Christian children.

I am still praying. I’ve noticed some areas where our children need more instruction. I realize that I need to help my five year old learn her friends’ names. Not knowing who she is playing with makes her feel friendless at times. I need wisdom on making wise choices with time and priorities.

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Weekends and Friends

  • Posted on August 3, 2010 at 7:53 am

Because of my husband’s busy and relatively unpredictable work schedule, we’ve worked hard to make the most of the hours he’s home.

One step we’ve taken is to have a general rule that weekends are family days, not friend days. So on Saturdays and Sundays, we want the children with us, not necessarily playing outside with friends. (During the week, Lee has been able to sit outside and study while the children played outside with friends, so this isn’t an absolute rule for all time. We just wanted to keep weekends separate.)

On Saturday, my oldest was disappointed that we told him to stay inside with our family. We had already been on a bike ride as a family. We had run errands together (no, you cannot stay home). We were preparing for company to come for dinner, and we desired his help.

He doesn’t understand why we care that he’s with us. We’ve been reassuring him that we want him to spend time with his friends, but that we also want them to spend time with their daddy. I’ve said “I want you to spend time with your friends when your daddy isn’t home.” That seems to help. But they still walk around displeased.

I’ve been interested in this response. They’re children, and they don’t have the perspective of adults. They can’t understand that their daddy’s schedule is erratic, and that when he’s home we’re going to take advantage of that time. I have a vague idea that this is a challenge parents have when their children are getting older and making plans on their own. However, I’m wondering whether this is another family habit that becomes a non-issue over time simply because it’s the way we do things.

Of course every family is different. These aren’t inherently spiritual choices. I’m mostly examining my children’s reaction to our decisions, and my response to their reactions. I’m noticing that perhaps I haven’t communicated consistently the reasons for allowing our children to go out or not. That might be because I’m still thinking through the approach to friendships that I want to have. They spend a great deal of time already outside with friends, so I don’t think it’s unreasonable to have non-friend times. I’m wondering about how my children receive our family culture; whether they ultimately accept it, or whether they resent it. Having close friends with a vastly different culture may make a difference in their response, so I’m interested in that interaction, too.

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Christian Friends, Neighbor Friends

  • Posted on August 2, 2010 at 7:27 am

We have very friendly neighbors, including a number of pleasant children the same age as my own children (and a few years older). My children have enjoyed getting to know them, and spending time with them. I want to have a ministry to these neighbors. (Let your light so shine among men…) I also  think it is good for our children to interact with unsaved children to some degree. However, my children have not made a profession of faith; so, I don’t have a desire for them to be “missionaries” at this point. Regardless, I believe it is biblical that their closest friends are “church friends.” The Bible has a lot to say about choosing friends. He that walketh with wise men shall be wise, but a companion of fools will be destroyed… Be not deceived, evil communications corrupt good manners….

That means they probably need to spend more time with church friends than neighbor friends.

  • That means I have work to do, to get them together with church friends more often. It’s not always convenient, and it takes work, especially when I’m new to a place and just getting to know people.
  • I also need to be deliberately teaching them what God’s Word says about friends. Maybe at breakfast I’ll start asking them to listen as I read a chapter in Proverbs and see if they can hear what King Solomon says about friends.
  • This also means that I’ll probably join up with some home school groups. I tend to avoid big crowds and a lot of the home school culture, but if I am loving my children and not myself, I think I’m going to have to venture a little bit into those waters.
  • I also need to be praying that God gives me wisdom to find godly friends in our new city and church.

More on this topic tomorrow.

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I’m Going to Have Different Rules

  • Posted on July 9, 2010 at 7:30 am

My dear daughter has told me a few times lately, “When I grow up, I’m going to have different rules than you do.”

That’s partly because of discussions we have had about things we do that are family rules, and things we do that are God’s rules. When they have their own household, they’ll develop their own family culture. Cultural rules are flexible among families, and sometimes good families disagree. Like… children at our house can play in the rain. Other children aren’t allowed to do that. Children at our house must eat vegetables before fruit. Our children might choose to eat fruit first when they have children of their own.

Not all the rules she’s talking about are harmless like the timing of dessert. Sometimes they’re things we do that have complicated reasons. And sometimes I just have not taken the time to explain the reasons well. What I don’t want is her to grow up 1)afraid to talk about those differences of opinion 2) not knowing why we do what we do, especially when good reasons exist, and 3) unconvinced when biblical principles are clear in view (Yes, I am aware of my fallibility.)

I’ve been thinking on this. I need to be thinking about it through the lens of Scripture, so that means I need to think about what Scriptures might apply here. Maybe later I’ll write about it.

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Singing I Go…

  • Posted on July 6, 2010 at 5:00 am

One of the things I’ve been working on especially with my younger two is getting on top of the complaining and whining. I have been thinking about when this happens.

On Saturday night after bathtime, I realized that the thirty seconds between getting out of the bath and getting pajamas on is often marked by whining. In a fit of inspiration, I wondered whether getting the girls singing before they got out would keep their minds happy during that period. I gave it a try.

Worked well. Tried it during another transition and failed miserably. Maybe I started the singing too close to the transition. There’s something to this, so I’m not giving up just yet. I remember that my mom started us singing in the car when we were young– she told me later it made good sense, because singing children don’t fight. (Well, sometimes we did, but still.) I’ll keep you posted.

This strategy is part of the realization that bringing every thought into captivity takes deliberate steps and hard work. I want to teach the skill to my children. If you hear me singing like a lunatic as I look for the best price on peanut butter at the grocery store, you’ll know why.

For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. 4 For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, 5 casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, 6 and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled. II Corinthians 10:3

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How Do I Change My Thinking?

  • Posted on July 5, 2010 at 5:00 am

While I was at the stove getting dinner started yesterday, Bethel came up to me and said “I have a problem.”

When I asked her what her problem was, she said “Well, all I can think about is Playmobil”

I smiled. Bethel has and enjoys very much a horse stable and animal clinic that is made by Playmobil. We picked up a catalog at a store and Bethel has since studied every page. She’s already planning birthday and Christmas presents for the next three years.

Her comment floored me. A lot of grown ups don’t recognize that their thinking is causing a problem. Bethel wasn’t really sure what the problem was, but it bothered her that she couldn’t think about anything else. I stopped chopping and sat down with her (dinner can wait). Talking about thinking is important!

I asked her if part of the problem was that she was not content with what she had, and was coveting what she didn’t have. I explained that it’s not wrong to desire what we don’t have, until that desire causes us to be unhappy with what God has already given us. [we're defining terms here-- primarily contentment] She said she thought it was a problem.

So I tried to explain how replacing bad thoughts with good thoughts works. It didn’t go as well as I wanted, because I normally illustrate the put off/ put on principle by giving someone a strong mental image (usually a purple elephant with a spotted monkey riding on its back, or some variation) and challenge them to stop thinking about it, all the while repeating what they are not supposed to think about.

But Bethel couldn’t figure what I was trying to do. She got confused. So I finally explained that God wants us to think about good things instead of things that cause us to sin. We sang a little bit of Philippians 4:8. I told her that mommy changes her thinking by preaching to herself: “Self, think about something else.” I told her that this is one reason I like to cook– it takes a great deal of concentration. I needed to get back to dinner before it burnt, so I asked her to come help me. I put her to work stirring a roux, and showed her how to keep it from burning, and then how to keep it from lumping once the milk is put in. I asked here if she was having a hard time thinking about Playmobil still, while she was thinking about cooking. She wasn’t sure.

So I suggested that she go and make a stable for the stable animals that she already owns. That way she could think about being happy with what God has given her (and the creative task takes up a good deal of mental energy for Bethel). She did, and soon every few minutes I’d hear her say, “Self, stop thinking about Playmobil. You can think about Playmobil tomorrow.” It tickled me to no end hearing her recognize how often her thoughts were getting out of control. After awhile, she commented that it was hard work thinking right.

That’s true. In retrospect… I didn’t talk about her thoughts as sinful.Were they? Or was it simply the discontent and out of control desires [i.e., lusts]? We didn’t talk about the gospel– that in our own power, thinking right is impossible to sustain for long periods of time. Our tendency is to worry, fret, and want what we haven’t been given. There is also much we could have talked about– how God gave us music to help us think right. I’m sure this conversation will continue on to another day.

This opportunity to teach was a gift from God, and I’m praying for more opportunities to see into the workings of how my children think.

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. 9 The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you. Philippians 4:8-9

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Three Most Important Money Goals

  • Posted on March 30, 2010 at 9:36 am

One of the problems I sense with parents wanting to teach children about money is that we want to cram years worth of lessons into a few weeks. We’re not really good at understanding that children don’t work that way.

Today I want to consider how much information is enough for my children to know about financial situations in the home, but I realize I need to articulate something else first. It might be unsatisfying to remind myself and others that this is obviously a wisdom issue. The family situation and personality and development of children do make a big difference in how a child responds to information.

So, I want to consider some goals (based on scriptural principles) that can help me know when and how to make this call.

  • Regardless of our financial situation, I want my children to use good stewardship: taking care of the resources (time, money, possessions, skills) what God has already given.
  • Regardless of our financial situation, I want my children to become givers.
  • Regardless of our financial situation, I want my children to know the riches they have in Christ, and to be thankful for them. These include, but are not limited to, physical blessings.

Each goal can be broken up into many short-term goals. Teaching a child to use good stewardship includes teaching him not to step on toys, to put away his books, to work hard, to understand the relationship between work and money, to use money he has earned wisely, and so on and on. As we try to teach these goals, I realize that out of necessity, I need to give our children the information they need when they need it.

On Thursday, we’ll talk about this transparency.

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Saying Goodbye

  • Posted on March 22, 2010 at 9:31 am

The other day, we had a tearful moment when David realized we’ll be in Texas for his friend Elia’s birthday. When we told him that we probably would be unable to drive him nine hours to New Mexico for the event, he was grief stricken.

The last move wasn’t too difficult. David and Bethel were still little more than toddlers, and they hadn’t developed relationships with other children. Here, though, God has blessed them (and us) with other children they love and spend time with. Humanly speaking, deep relationships are not too conducive for military uprooting every four years, but God is good. My solution for goodbyes last time wasn’t Christlike. So the next morning, I asked myself, does God say anything to encourage my children about those painful goodbyes?

Yes, he does! For the last few weeks, I’ve been rereading Philippians every other day or so, in an attempt to learn it better. And as I sat at the breakfast table, Laurel said “Read Philippians to us.” So I began reading Philippians. Look!

I thank my God upon every remembrance of you, 4 always in every prayer of mine making request for you all with joy, 5 for your fellowship in the gospel from the first day until now, 6 being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ; 7 just as it is right for me to think this of you all, because I have you in my heart, inasmuch as both in my chains and in the defense and confirmation of the gospel, you all are partakers with me of grace. 8 For God is my witness, how greatly I long for you all with the affection of Jesus Christ.

See here? I told my children with delight. Paul longed for his friends in Philippi. I was encouraged to be able to explain to them that longing for our friends is not unexpected or ungodly. Saying goodbye is a part of life. I asked them what Paul did when he remembered his friends. They weren’t sure, so I read these verses again. Of course! When Paul remembered the Philippians, he THANKED GOD and PRAYED for them! He even told us what he prayed, and we can pray that, too.

And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in knowledge and all discernment, 10 that you may approve the things that are excellent, that you may be sincere and without offense till the day of Christ, 11 being filled with the fruits of righteousness which are by Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God.

So we took time for each of them to say thank you for our friends. Then mommy prayed verses 9-11 for our friends. Saying goodbye is hard, and we will all miss deeply our brothers and sisters in New Mexico. However, it is a satisfying and happy thought that when like Paul, we long for friends, we can direct our thoughts outward and upward in thankfulness and prayer. I suspect our friends are going to get a lot of prayer here!

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