17July2008

A Wise Friend, A Loving Friend

Posted by Michelle under: Getting Along; Humility.

Often after we get together with friends, I ask my children about their time spent. Since we’ve been discussing wisdom, I often ask, “Is so-and-so a wise friend?” That’s because we are told in Scripture that a wise person looks for wise friends. Since we’ve been talking about wisdom, they know what that looks like.

Twice I’ve been disturbed to hear a child respond, “So-and-so is a good friend because he does whatever I want.” With images of my own children being manipulative and selfish, twice I stifled my lecture and decided to wait.

This morning, we started talking about friends again. As I started talking, I realized that “doing whatever I want” very well could be an unselfish child choosing to love a selfish one, so I decided to focus a bit on what makes THEM a good friend to others.

Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Philippians 2:3

The way I usually ask it is “Are you thinking of what you want more than what your friend/sister/brother wants?” I used to say “Are you thinking of your sister or are you thinking of yourself?” but they would always insist they were thinking of the other person. I finally realized that they WERE thinking of the other person, but not in the right way.

Today I asked them for examples of times when a friend might esteem others better than themselves. As usual, I give them many more examples than they come up with. Several times I gave the beginning of an example and then had them finish it. This was a good discussion. I’ve been focused so much on the wise friend (the one who helps his friend obey) that I’ve not considered the loving friend or humble friend in our talks.

Perhaps next time we get together with friends, my children will be the ones thinking of the other person. I think tomorrow we’re going to read the whole Philippians 2 passage.

Popularity: 6% [?]

Popularity: 6% [?]

11July2008

When Asking for Obedience Is Unwise

Posted by Michelle under: Obedience.

One of the things my mom has said is that it is true you cannot force a horse to drink, but you can give him salt so he wants to drink. It would be lovely if I could simply tell my children what to do, and have them do it, all the time. But the Lord is showing me that this is not always a good thing.

As my children grow older, I’ve got to teach them the process of decision making. If they cannot find God’s wisdom on their own, they will be tragically handicapped when they no longer have a mother and father telling them what to do.

Many Christians react when they see an overly controlling parent. They might mistakenly think that the problem is the strictness rather than the neglect of an important process. If they make this mistake, they might cast off rules which might be in fact helpful for their children.

Other Christians might believe that “reaching the heart” is simply showing the child that obedience is right, showing them what God’s Word says, and helping them do it. They risk at best a spiritually sensitive young adult who has no ability to make decisions without a trusted adult telling him what to do.

The difficulty is that teaching children to make right decisions means at some point (and I cannot presume to know when), we must allow our children to make wrong decisions. That’s scary. The teenage years are naturally times of growing independence. When this natural inclination is not guided by biblical decision making principles, we often end up with rebellion. When the reality of this natural inclination is denied, we stifle our children’s ability to make wise decisions. Growing independence is not the same thing as willful rebellion. While willful rebellion is not a developmental stage, growing independence is.

I suspect there is a middle ground. Shouldn’t it be possible to teach biblical decision making and foster independence from parents while encouraging a greater dependence on God? How is this done? I don’t have all the answers. But I do want to teach my children how to find God’s Will.

Awhile back, I found out that Gary Friessen’s Decision Making and the Will of God was somehow a book frowned upon by some in my circle of Christianity (although I didn’t get that from my parents, who I later learned had a copy on their bookshelf). Of course that made me want to read it, and I found it quite helpful as a college student.

Years later, my husband and I found Step by Step by James Petty to be much more clear and extremely helpful as we sought the Lord’s leading for some major life decisions. The explanation of the relationship between wisdom and the will of God was a powerful biblical truth that has repeatedly been a blessing to us.

Nothing on a preschool level, though. Maybe that’s an upcoming writing project for someone. Any takers?

Popularity: 17% [?]

Popularity: 17% [?]

9July2008

Is It a Battle?

Posted by Michelle under: Obedience.

I’ve heard various Christians react to the apparent conflict between shepherding a child, and winning the battles of authority. Regardless of how you want to label the conflict, I had a good experience this morning loving and caring for my twenty month old.

She ran away with sister’s toy, and when I told her to return it, she clutched it tighter and said no, Mommy.

I came to get her and help her obey, but then she dropped the toy and said no again.

So I scooped her up in my arms and took her to the bedroom. She got a spanking for disobeying. I told her that she must obey mommy, and when I prompted her to say yes, ma’am, again she said no. Now I know that many Christian parents would keep spanking at this point, but I don’t spank repeatedly until “the will is broken.” There’s too much danger of abuse at that point.

What I did do was this: I told her that she must stay with mommy until she said yes, ma’am. She cried, and I knew that she understood it was her way or my way. After awhile, I put her in a chair and told her that she could get up when she was ready to obey. Then I took advantage of her immobility and pulled out my Bible. That reminded me again to pray for wisdom and direction.

After awhile she told me that she wanted to get up. I told her she could, but after she was ready to obey. I’d asked her before Are you ready to obey? but she had always responded no.

Finally she said yes, and when I asked her to say yes, ma’am, she did.

We repeated this process a few hours later in a different incident. She responded more quickly that time. I’m particularly interested that it came about that establishing authority was more of a focus than the spanking. The spanking was incidental (and although I know some will disagree, I think it may have been unnecessary). God’s Word allows for a multitude of ways to teach our children to obey. Sometimes we focus on the method rather than the goal.

I’ll be thinking on this for awhile.

Popularity: 38% [?]

Popularity: 38% [?]

3July2008

Distraction= Doing Nothing?

Posted by Michelle under: Discipleship.

Another vacation post from several years back. David was three and Bethel was nearly two.

A friend mentioned recently that she sometimes felt like distracting her young son (toddler) was neglecting to teach him/ discipline him. This statement got me thinking about this technique, since I too, have found that it is a very effective technique with my own children. Here is a typical scenario: baby has to share or give back a toy she stole from big brother, baby throws a fit (screaming, hitting, etc.), mother finds something that will get baby’s mind off the toy she wants, baby is happy. Ever tried this at home?

So is this neglecting to teach baby how to deal with anger? Is it, as I sometimes am afraid, tantamount to bribery (”please stop throwing a fit, and I’ll give you this nice treat”)? I think this is what I’ve wondered about.

I realized that distracting Bethel or David is quite similar to what I do when I am dealing with anger in my own life. Here is a typical scenario: somebody does something I don’t like; I throw a fit (a very sophisticated one, but I might be moody, drepressed, irritible, or just sulk); I finally tell self “Self, get over it and find something else to think about”; I remind myself that God doesn’t promise to give me everything I want, but he infinitely loving and all-knowing, and promises to give me everything that’s good for me; I deliberately find something to do that gets my mind off of myself (for me, I’ll often make cookies for somebody else who will appreciate them).

So, distracting can actually be a part of teaching my children how to deal with anger or disappointment biblically. I think it is appropriate to explain how changing your thinking changes how you feel. Just last night Bethel was in the car whining because she was told no, and David piped up, “Put some music on for her.” That’s because I frequently suggest that he turn on some happy music in his room to help him think happy thoughts (he has a Scripture songs CD in him bedroom stereo) I will often say, “Let’s find something happy to think about” as I try to find a toy that will please a child instead of the one he covets. Sometimes I will point out to an angry child that as long as he is thinking selfish, unhappy thoughts, he will feel miserable. Then we’ll think of something happy to do. As I type this, I realize that I could do more directing that change in thinking outward to others (like what I do with cookies), and explain how thinking of others helps us to be happy, too.

I think that it is possible to bribe a child instead of merely distracting him by taking a pleading, servile position. I’m not sure of what makes the difference, other than to say I try not to do anything that will make feel me like I’m bribing. I’ll think through this and write about it in the next day or two.

Michelle

Popularity: 30% [?]

Popularity: 30% [?]

12June2008

Replacing Unkindness with Kindness

Posted by Michelle under: Getting Along.

When my children are unkind, I want to help them put off the old man of unkindness and put on the new man of kindness. What will that look like?

First, I require asking forgiveness, not just making a statement of apology (etymology: a defense). They must name a sin and ask for a response.

• If a toy is taken away for whatever reason, kindness means I will give it back. (the older children understand that the correct way to retrieve a toy that has been unjustly taken is to ask for it, and then ask for help if needed)
• Replacing ugly words to encouraging words.
• Praying for a sibling. (Jesus tells us to pray for and bless our enemies. How much more should we pray for and bless our siblings.)
• Letting a sibling go first (first to choose a dessert, first in the car, first to choose a game to play or book to read).
• Helping a sibling make her bed or clean her room.
• Helping a sibling with chores (washing breakfast dishes)
• Asking a sibling, “How can I make it right?” or “How can I serve you right now?”

Some of these even my eighteen month old baby can understand. All of them I have used at some point or another with my two older children in the last year (Bethel is 3 and a half; David is five this month). Can you add to the list?

Popularity: 50% [?]

Popularity: 50% [?]

3June2008

Postponement

Posted by Michelle under: Getting Along; Uncategorized.

Yesterday we went out to the welcoming ceremony for the new F-22s on our base, and I got a little too much desert sun. I’m feeling better today, but yesterday afternoon I didn’t do anything that required a lot of brain power, including finishing my post.

I’ll post it tomorrow. In the meantime, read this quote. It’s short and good food for thought, and fits the mission here quite well. I was encouraged and challenged by it.

Popularity: 51% [?]

Popularity: 51% [?]

29May2008

Teaching Humility

Posted by Michelle under: Humility.

One of the topics that I’ve been interested in has been the challenge of teaching humility. This is a trait I feel unqualified to teach, although I smile since I’m probably just as unqualified to teach humility as any fruit of the spirit. How does a fellow sinner teach humility? I’m still learning.

One of the responses that my son frequently makes is “I know” when he has been given instruction. It’s not an expression that reliably indicates that he really did know, since many times he is in the middle of doing what he ostensibly knew wasn’t the right thing to do.

We’re still working on our wisdom chart, and yesterday we wrote down Proverbs 12:15

The way of a fool is right in his own eyes,
but a wise man listens to advice.

This has been a help. Several times I’ve referenced this Proverb.

• Does saying “I know” mean you are a happy learner, or a foolish person who thinks he knows everything?
• Who will ask for help when he needs it, a fool or a wise person?
• Who will say I don’t know if he doesn’t know? What will a fool say or do?
• Who will pray and ask God for help to do right?

Later I realized that we were talking about humility. Next time I’ll make the connection.

Popularity: 45% [?]

Popularity: 45% [?]

23May2008

Pretending to Be a Serving Princess

Posted by Michelle under: Humility.

I have a friend who has a young daughter who loves to dress up like a princess. The other day she related her concern that her daughter’s attitude while pretending tended to be self focussed, like a princess.

My friend explained that a godly princess is someone who serves others. When her daughter wanted to dress up, she gave permission, as long as she spent her time serving others. What a wonderful insight into the mind of a little girl! God gave this mother wisdom as she helped her daughter joyfully serve little sisters, mother, and father.

“Mommy, how can I serve you?” became her question, rather than “Will you look at how beautiful I am?”

And he came to Capernaum: and being in the house he asked them, What was it that ye disputed among yourselves by the way?

But they held their peace: for by the way they had disputed among themselves, who should be the greatest.

And he sat down, and called the twelve, and saith unto them, If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all.

Mark 9:33-35

May I seek to be a servant of all this holiday weekend.

Popularity: 53% [?]

Popularity: 53% [?]

14May2008

Hiding Sin

Posted by Michelle under: Lying; Salvation; Uncategorized.

This morning I was reading Psalm 32, and I decided it would be a good passage to talk about, since we’ve been dealing with some truth issues. Here’s how the conversation went:

Did you know that one time King David was hiding his sin? Do you think he was happy or sad when he was hiding his sin?

Bethel: He was sad.

Did you know he wrote about it? Here is what he said. [mommy reads verses] He’s saying that he was miserable. Have you ever really wanted water and not been able to have any? What do you think about when you are really really thirsty? David was miserable, and although he tried to be happy, he wasn’t, because he was hiding his sin.

Bethel: I was hiding my sin yesterday.

Oh? [shock, because I don't remember anything out of the ordinary yesterday]. When were you hiding your sin?

Bethel: I was hiding my sin when I was coloring.

[Still not understanding or remembering] What sin were you hiding?

Bethel: I didn’t want to clean, so I was hiding and coloring.

Oh. [Now I remember] King David was happy when he made it right, when he asked God to forgive him.

Bethel: I’m not hiding my sin right now.

How thankful I am that God prompted me to read my Bible this morning. How thankful I am that He prompted me to talk about what I was reading. Although David didn’t comment much, he was paying close attention. I’m thankful for what God showed me that He is working in their lives. I should be willing to parent on faith, but it’s a tremendous encouragement when I see what’s going on under the surface occasionally.

How has God’s Word changed you this week? How are you pursuing wisdom in God’s Word?

Popularity: 54% [?]

Popularity: 54% [?]

11May2008

Shocking Behavior

Posted by Michelle under: Getting Along.

My son yesterday called someone stupid. As far as I can tell, it wasn’t something like “I think playing princess is stupid,” which might be understandable. Rather it was something like “You’re stupid.” I was shocked. My child? We have no television. We screen all DVDs. We keep track of all their friends, and we do not use the word stupid at our house. Where could he have learned such behavior?

Here is the point where I should have remembered James 4:1: Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members? It really doesn’t matter where David heard that particular word. He was angry because his lusts, his desire for his own way was thwarted.

When the fellow playmate came in to tell her mother about the shocking behavior, I resisted the urge to intervene at that moment. Don’t ask me why, but I felt (and it was a gut feeling) like it would be better to wait until we had some quiet time.`

I asked David if he did call his friend stupid, and he acknowledged that he did.

I brought up Psalm 34:13: Keep your tongue from evil, and your lips from speaking deceit. There were a number of verses I could have brought up, but I had read that verse that morning, and we sing a song with that verse too.

I asked him if calling a person stupid is evil. Now, I understand that a good number of people joke by calling someone stupid. In my experience, most of the time it is disrespectful, unkind, and hurtful. So I do believe that calling names is evil. It is not edifying.

Do you think that David believed calling someone stupid was evil? Not at all. Unkind, maybe, but not really bad. Perhaps we’re making progress. Time will tell.

Popularity: 28% [?]

Popularity: 28% [?]