17July2008

A Wise Friend, A Loving Friend

Posted by Michelle under: Getting Along; Humility.

Often after we get together with friends, I ask my children about their time spent. Since we’ve been discussing wisdom, I often ask, “Is so-and-so a wise friend?” That’s because we are told in Scripture that a wise person looks for wise friends. Since we’ve been talking about wisdom, they know what that looks like.

Twice I’ve been disturbed to hear a child respond, “So-and-so is a good friend because he does whatever I want.” With images of my own children being manipulative and selfish, twice I stifled my lecture and decided to wait.

This morning, we started talking about friends again. As I started talking, I realized that “doing whatever I want” very well could be an unselfish child choosing to love a selfish one, so I decided to focus a bit on what makes THEM a good friend to others.

Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Philippians 2:3

The way I usually ask it is “Are you thinking of what you want more than what your friend/sister/brother wants?” I used to say “Are you thinking of your sister or are you thinking of yourself?” but they would always insist they were thinking of the other person. I finally realized that they WERE thinking of the other person, but not in the right way.

Today I asked them for examples of times when a friend might esteem others better than themselves. As usual, I give them many more examples than they come up with. Several times I gave the beginning of an example and then had them finish it. This was a good discussion. I’ve been focused so much on the wise friend (the one who helps his friend obey) that I’ve not considered the loving friend or humble friend in our talks.

Perhaps next time we get together with friends, my children will be the ones thinking of the other person. I think tomorrow we’re going to read the whole Philippians 2 passage.

Popularity: 6% [?]

Popularity: 6% [?]

12June2008

Replacing Unkindness with Kindness

Posted by Michelle under: Getting Along.

When my children are unkind, I want to help them put off the old man of unkindness and put on the new man of kindness. What will that look like?

First, I require asking forgiveness, not just making a statement of apology (etymology: a defense). They must name a sin and ask for a response.

• If a toy is taken away for whatever reason, kindness means I will give it back. (the older children understand that the correct way to retrieve a toy that has been unjustly taken is to ask for it, and then ask for help if needed)
• Replacing ugly words to encouraging words.
• Praying for a sibling. (Jesus tells us to pray for and bless our enemies. How much more should we pray for and bless our siblings.)
• Letting a sibling go first (first to choose a dessert, first in the car, first to choose a game to play or book to read).
• Helping a sibling make her bed or clean her room.
• Helping a sibling with chores (washing breakfast dishes)
• Asking a sibling, “How can I make it right?” or “How can I serve you right now?”

Some of these even my eighteen month old baby can understand. All of them I have used at some point or another with my two older children in the last year (Bethel is 3 and a half; David is five this month). Can you add to the list?

Popularity: 50% [?]

Popularity: 50% [?]

3June2008

Postponement

Posted by Michelle under: Getting Along; Uncategorized.

Yesterday we went out to the welcoming ceremony for the new F-22s on our base, and I got a little too much desert sun. I’m feeling better today, but yesterday afternoon I didn’t do anything that required a lot of brain power, including finishing my post.

I’ll post it tomorrow. In the meantime, read this quote. It’s short and good food for thought, and fits the mission here quite well. I was encouraged and challenged by it.

Popularity: 51% [?]

Popularity: 51% [?]

11May2008

Shocking Behavior

Posted by Michelle under: Getting Along.

My son yesterday called someone stupid. As far as I can tell, it wasn’t something like “I think playing princess is stupid,” which might be understandable. Rather it was something like “You’re stupid.” I was shocked. My child? We have no television. We screen all DVDs. We keep track of all their friends, and we do not use the word stupid at our house. Where could he have learned such behavior?

Here is the point where I should have remembered James 4:1: Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members? It really doesn’t matter where David heard that particular word. He was angry because his lusts, his desire for his own way was thwarted.

When the fellow playmate came in to tell her mother about the shocking behavior, I resisted the urge to intervene at that moment. Don’t ask me why, but I felt (and it was a gut feeling) like it would be better to wait until we had some quiet time.`

I asked David if he did call his friend stupid, and he acknowledged that he did.

I brought up Psalm 34:13: Keep your tongue from evil, and your lips from speaking deceit. There were a number of verses I could have brought up, but I had read that verse that morning, and we sing a song with that verse too.

I asked him if calling a person stupid is evil. Now, I understand that a good number of people joke by calling someone stupid. In my experience, most of the time it is disrespectful, unkind, and hurtful. So I do believe that calling names is evil. It is not edifying.

Do you think that David believed calling someone stupid was evil? Not at all. Unkind, maybe, but not really bad. Perhaps we’re making progress. Time will tell.

Popularity: 28% [?]

Popularity: 28% [?]

30April2008

A New Creature

Posted by Michelle under: Getting Along; Salvation; Wisdom.

We’ve found a few mourning cloak caterpillars a few weeks ago that quickly pupated upon capture. We’ve been waiting and this morning one came out dramatically.

Such a memorable event might very well stay with them for a long time; thus, it is a good opportunity to teach them an important spiritual truth along with it. I told them that the butterfly isn’t anything like the caterpillar it used to be (Bethel was wondering whether the caterpillar were still in the chrysalis). God made a new animal out of that caterpillar. Our hearts are the same way. On our own, our hearts are selfish and proud. God must make new, pure hearts. That’s what happens when we become Christians.

We’ve been saying the Corinthians passage all morning. Hopefully we’ll have it memorized by the time daddy comes home tonight. And the Psalm 51 passage has a tune that I know, so we’ve sung that a couple of times. We might even be able to make a play or something out of the event.

Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new (2 Corinthian 5:17).

Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me (Psalm 51:10).

Already, I’ve pointed out to one child that the actions coming out of his heart showed he needed God to change his heart.

How about you? Has God given you any good opportunities to teach something memorable to your children lately?

Popularity: 68% [?]

Popularity: 68% [?]

17April2008

Prioritizing Lessons for Baby

Posted by Michelle under: Communication and Meaning; Getting Along.

This morning, baby (18 months) cried because Bethel picked up the book she had put down. She wanted the book back.

I was faced immediately with the thought that I had to choose what lesson I wanted to teach.

• I could have dealt with screaming to get what she wants.
• I could have dealt with helping her understand if she puts a book down, it doesn’t belong to her.
• I could help her learn how to ask for something by saying “please book” and trying to get her to repeat it. That’s a possibility, since she now says “pease milk” in a heart-melting way.
• The problem is, if I start to teach her how to ask for something, I have to ignore the fact that she’s whining as she says “pease.”
• And if I allow her to ask for the book and request Bethel give it to her, in a way I’m negating the tradition that we cannot claim all toys we have touched in the last hour.
• I could opt for a spiritual message. It is selfish to take toys or books away from another child, but I’d like to word it in positive terms. In some ways, it seems like it makes more sense to have a baseline of expected behavior before teaching God’s higher standard (fairness versus love).

I decided that teaching her to ask for something she wants, without crying, is a more basic skill than teaching her not to whine.

Now, with all the lessons before me, I wonder whether I actually had to choose only one lesson. I think I can at least label the bad behavior as I teach her to say please: Grabbing is selfish. Say please book. After she says please, I can say, God wants us to love sister. That’s dealing with the heart rather than merely the behavior.

I still think that ignoring the whining tone might be good, but maybe I can teach that too. I can minimize it at this age by an exaggerated happy voice, saying the words I want her to say. Please book! For some reason, babies model the tone they hear. If I say the words in a serious tone, she might miss it, but if I make a goofy happy face and say the words rhythmically and deliberately, she’ll respond with a smile rather than a whine. In theory, of course.

That’s almost all the lessons I started by thinking I couldn’t teach yet. I’ll let you know how it goes. Since she’ll be waking up from her nap soon, we’ll have a sharing challenge…. momentarily.

Popularity: 33% [?]

Popularity: 33% [?]

11April2008

Love Is Patient

Posted by Michelle under: Getting Along.

This morning all three children were jumping onto our big beanbag from the stepstool. Laurel has recently learned how to jump, and happily falls into the bag while mom looks away and pretends not to be afraid. Her new skill has caused some tension, though. She’s slow, and it’s hard for the older children to wait for her.

After I watched Bethel push past Laurel, and then both David and Bethel “helping” Laurel jump, I stopped them and told them they had to be patient with Laurel. I said, “Love is patient.”

After they all had a turn, again Bethel started to push ahead of Laurel. This time (inspiration) I asked her, “Love is… what?” Bethel looked at me blankly. It’s a good thing I asked, because lecture mode didn’t seem to sink in. I told her the answer and asked the same question again. By this time, Laurel had jumped.

The next round, again Bethel had a hard time waiting. I asked her again how love behaves, and she answered “Love is patient” as she danced a jig around the stool.

For about ten minutes, we kept reminding them that patience is one way to show love to their siblings.
Now I just have to remember that love is patient, when they’re moving at a snail’s pace,

Popularity: 16% [?]

Popularity: 16% [?]

9March2008

Modeling Patience and Gentleness

Posted by Michelle under: Getting Along.

Last week my brother brought his two older boys (ages 9 and 12) to visit for a few days, and David in particular was ecstatic. I was pleased to see their gentleness and patience with all three of my children, especially when their parents were nowhere to enforce or reward such behavior.

I noticed last night David copying the same gentleness and patience with his sisters. The cousins’ behavior made an impression on him. I think we’ll keep those boys around!

He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed. Proverbs13:20

Today at church I plan to mention that I am thankful for the behavior I saw last night. I will mention how thankful we are for cousins who love God and His ways.

Popularity: 15% [?]

Popularity: 15% [?]

22February2008

Sharing Dishes, Sharing Toys

Posted by Michelle under: Getting Along.

Last night, we were talking about our company that was coming, and Bethel asked out of the blue “Are you going to share your beautiful dishes?” I was pleased, because we had a conversation about sharing mommy’s precious dishes months ago. That’s one way we can please God, by sharing what He has blessed us with. I asked her, “Are you going to share your precious toys? That’s one way we please God, by sharing the toys He has blessed you with.” We’ll see how she shares tonight. (Note: she’s not willing to share everything all the time. Several times we’ve put up some toys she wasn’t ready to share yet. And she still struggles with sharing with her brother and sister! But I do see growth in her thinking. She’s watching.)

I Timothy 6:17-19 Instruct those who are rich in this present world not to be conceited or to fix their hope on the uncertainty of riches, but on God, who richly supplies us with all things to enjoy. Instruct them to do good, to be rich in good works, to be generous and ready to share, storing up for themselves the treasure of a good foundation for the future, so that they may take hold of that which is life indeed.

I’m going to share this passage with my children this morning. Our focus should be on God and His goodness, not on the good gifts that he gives.

For a related discussion by Jay Younts, click here and here.

Popularity: 19% [?]

Popularity: 19% [?]

19February2008

Tattletale or Problem Solving?

Posted by Michelle under: Getting Along.

I want my children to come to me when they’re having difficulty resolving a problem. If I’m like my esteemed and more experienced sister-in-law Martha, I’ll give my children strategies for solving their problems, and send them back to try again, only intervening when all resources have been exhausted. I like this approach, and I try to imitate it.

Simply coming for help isn’t a problem, although it might look like a tattletale in progress. With my preschoolers, I haven’t seen the need to address being a tattletale, although it comes up from time to time. For some reason, though, I feel the need to defend to myself the practice of problem solving.

What will help me is if I think through the issue biblically. If you look at a concordance, tattletale isn’t in the Bible. But there are motives directly addressed in the Bible that I can look for.

• Being happy when your enemy (or sibling) gets in trouble (Rejoice not when thine enemy falleth, and let not thine heart be glad when he stumbleth: Proverbs 24:17)
• Not being willing to overlook minor offenses (not loving) (Hatred stirreth up strifes: but love covereth all sins. Proverbs 10:12)
• Sowing discord, telling lies (Proverbs 6)

These are the real issues, and ones that I can deal with. Can you think of any more that would apply? Tomorrow I’ll think about biblical reasons to come for help.

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Popularity: 23% [?]