You are currently browsing the Getting Along category

Parenting-by-Proxy Part 2

  • Posted on August 16, 2010 at 5:00 am

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how my children respond to sinning siblings and friends.

When we sat at lunch last week, I spent some time talking about the responsibility a mom and a dad have to teach and discipline their children. (I’m really interested in their responsibility, but talking about something they need to know indirectly seems to result in children a little more verbally interactive and less defensive.)

I asked if they could think of a verse where God gives parents the authority and responsibility to discipline their children. They correctly identified Ephesians 6:1 as a good example (it specifically demonstrates to children that they must submit to the authority of their parents, but it works). I gave them a couple more.

Then I asked if God gave siblings the authority and responsibility to discipline and teach their brothers and sisters. They giggled a bit, and we all agreed that God didn’t command brothers and sisters to obey each other.

Or did He?

I asked them what Cain meant when he said “Am I my brother’s keeper?” We talked about how, although brothers and sisters don’t have the same authority and responsibility to each other than parents and children have, they still have a responsibility to each other.

Then I told them that Jesus talked about our relationship with brothers and sisters, too. (I didn’t go into the distinction between spiritual siblings and biological ones.) We looked at Matthew 7.

“Judge not, that you be not judged. 2 For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. 3 And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? 5 Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. Matthew 7:1-5

We discussed what Jesus was talking about. Then I asked them what the problem was when one sibling called out to mom “David’s not cleaning his room” while at the same time having a messy room.

I asked them how they could love their sibling, and whether it was right to leave one’s messy room and start cleaning brother’s room. I referenced “Love does not look on her own interests.” That passage really addresses the motives for “helping.” We decided that it was probably loving to clean up one’s room first, and then go help brother clean his room. Or encourage him. Or pray for him. Lots of responses. (sometimes it is appropriate to tell mom. We didn’t talk about that response this time, but we have in the past, and we will in the future!)

Several times since this discussion, I’ve referred back to these passages. I’m interested in how often a discussion like this one sometimes lasts for days and weeks. Now, I see the connection between how my children deal with problems, and passages in Scripture that directly address motives and actions. Cool.

Popularity: 2% [?]

Continue reading Parenting-by-Proxy Part 2

Care to leave a comment?

Parenting-by-Proxy Problem

  • Posted on August 13, 2010 at 5:40 am

Typical Scenario:

David is instructed to pray with siblings and start eating lunch while mom finishes folding clothes.

Mom enters the room five minutes later to find no prayers said, a few nibbles out of Bethel and Laurel’s sandwiches, no prayer said, and David trying to keep a grip on his sister’s hand.

When asked why no prayer has been said, David replies, “Laurel is not sitting up in her chair.”

Another typical scenario:

Mom hears Laurel calling for help. When she comes upstairs, Mom asks Bethel (who is standing next to Laurel), “Why didn’t you help your sister?” Bethel answers “Because she wasn’t asking without whining.”

In these scenarios, my children are responding to a sinning sibling by imitating mom and dad’s parenting style. The problem is that mom and dad have a responsibility and authority that children do not have. That makes the “intervention” obnoxious and often ill-received.

So, on the quest to biblically define the problem behavior and motivation, and then biblically identify its replacement, I discovered that my children look remarkably similar to us adult believers when we attempt to correct fellow believers (loving confrontation, of course) without love and grace. This observation is going to help me help them, and I suspect God is going to teach me some lessons as well.

On Monday, I’ll tell you what Scriptures I’ve been sharing and what we’ve been talking about.

Popularity: 2% [?]

Continue reading Parenting-by-Proxy Problem

Care to leave a comment?

Teaching Little Ones to Share

  • Posted on October 9, 2009 at 8:33 am

I had a friend think through with me the process of teaching a young child to share, and addressing the biblical concepts of covetousness and giving. It was encouraging, because I realized that I have seen a lot of growth in this area from my children. The discussion was also challenging, because it reminded me how important it is to look at a problem from a biblical perspective.

If you look at Psalm 78, the things we’re told to teach our children are all positive. It’s not that the negative isn’t important, but we often forget how important it is to discuss the “good” side.

  • First, consider how you can model a giving spirit to someone else, whether it’s a new mom, your husband, a friend, or so on. Then explain to your daughter why you’re doing what you’re doing. You can explain how God is teaching you to share, even when it’s hard. Tell her what Scriptures are a help to you.
  • Praise giving and sharing in others. When a nice person at the store takes back your cart for you, talk about how wonderful it is that someone would take the time to show God’s love to us (doesn’t matter if they’re saved or not. I assume they are, at this young age!) Talk about a friend who is giving, and explain that you like being around this person because they show you how to be unselfish and giving…. and so on.
  • Praise it in your children. When she is unselfish, point it out. :) Point out that it is God’s grace that helped her to do right (“I am thankful for God’s grace that helped you to share just now” not necessarily “you’re such an unselfish girl. look at how good you are….” )
  • Help walk her through the process of sharing, even if she’s not happy about it. Acknowledge that sometimes it’s hard to be giving when it costs us something. I often refrain from forcing giving, because then the rule of law is peace at any cost, and that’s trading one problem for another.
  • Before they can learn about sharing, they have to learn the laws of possessions. Baby cannot grab something simply because she wants it. “Share” isn’t a magical word that forces everyone else to be godly and me to be selfish. I have no problem with the “who had it first” question, especially when dealing with toddlers. It’s not the only question, but it does help me to identify who is instigating the problem at the moment before I deal with the heart issues. Otherwise, I’m answering a matter before I’ve heard it.
  • In little ones, sharing is hard, so I teach it in steps. I teach little ones to ask “Can I play with it when you are done?” and I never let the older ones say no. I do occasionally force the older one to give up a toy after they’ve played with it for awhile. In the adult world, it’s actually rude to demand someone hand over something immediately after they pick it up (like a magazine, or a card, or some other object). As my children get older, I’ve dealt more with the “You’re holding on to that toy simply because you want to annoy your sister” and other more sophisticated motivations.
  • When it is appropriate for your children to learn to share mommy or take turns with a toy, expect that learning to deny our flesh isn’t easy. I have said many times “You must share mommy. I am David’s [etc] mommy too.” Expect tears. We adults have a hard time learning this lesson, so it shouldn’t surprise us that our children will too. As they get older, and as they have lots of practice, it will be easier for them to share mommy. Act first, explain after. (I see a lot of parents who try to convince the child that this is a good thing, deal with the heart, etc., in hopes that they can avoid the tears and do what needs to be done. Instead, I like to act first, and then teach, and don’t be afraid of tears.
  • Finally, do not expect your unsaved child to act like a saved one. This is a significant difference I have with Tedd Trip and others who hold a covenant theology. They treat a covenant child (i.e., one who is reared in a Christian home) as essentially redeemed, whether or not he has made a profession of faith. I disagree with this approach, because I really don’t think it reflects Scripture. Yes, we address the heart and tell our children what is expected of God’s children. We call them to obedience and give consequences when they don’t. But we either believe in total depravity or we don’t. The depravity of our children should not surprise us, whether their actions or motivations.
  • I’m not opposed to identical toys (other than the lack of room, which can limit you) with young siblings, especially ones close in age. I’m not obsessive about it, but I have found that it makes playtime more fun when the littlest ones can play side by side. I have enough things that can’t be shared, so I’m basically trying to keep manageable the times when I am teaching sharing. :) As the kids have gotten older, they don’t seem to care as much (although I still like to get two or three of the same thing so they can play together)

Can I say that I’ve never seen anything like this reflected in a preschool setting? For our family, home was the best preschool! That’s all for now. Off to get my chores done before music class!

Popularity: 19% [?]

Continue reading Teaching Little Ones to Share

1 Comment

Teaching How to Tease

  • Posted on September 29, 2009 at 8:25 am

I’m at a disadvantage with dealing with teasing, since if I had my druthers, I’d get rid of most teasing, sarcasm, and general goofiness. Go ahead and stare; I realize it’s a little extreme. ????? ????? ????????????? ?????????

With that admission, I have been aware that my oldest son has been bit by the teasing bug. I’m absolutely positive that he picked this up from somebody else’s children. He now teases his sisters, he teases girls who come over to play. He rarely teases his mother. This last fact is worth thinking about.

What should I do? Because not all teasing is wrong, forbidding all levity is not an option. I can see some evidence of good teasing in the Bible. More on this another time.

I can also see evidence of bad teasing in the Bible. There’s a danger of too much joking— Solomon who warns that it is better to be in the house of mourning than the house of mirth. Why? Because humor can deaden sober thinking. It’s not what humor is; it’s what it can do.

We see that humor can be used to deceive and hurt. Solomon compares a man who does so to a madman who throws fire arrows of death.

We are warned against coarse joking, and in our day most sitcoms fit in this category. Laurel and I had a serious conversation in the bathroom the other day talking about why we can say poop and pee in the bathroom, but not in the van with her siblings as a topic of humor. Sexual innuendo is also a problem biblically. Thankfully, this is not a problem in our house.

It’s obvious that motives and effects are significant when thinking through humor. With David, the first lesson we want him to learn is, “If both people are not having fun, then it’s not good teasing.” That lesson is not as easily learned as I might like.

We’ve added a few lessons:

  • Don’t tease someone who has scissors in his hands. (Lee learned this one a long time ago as “Don’t tease a wife who has something hot. Ever.”)
  • Teasing can start out enjoyable, but then not be enjoyable. Stop teasing when the other person doesn’t like it. (As he gets older, we’ll have to teach him that it’s not always easy to tell when people are unhappy with teasing.)
  • “Please stop” is the sacred command. It is to be honored immediately and consistently. There’s no confusion that maybe the person is really enjoying the teasing and doesn’t want it stopped. This rule holds for adults and children.
  • Don’t tease at mealtimes. (we might let up on this at some point, but right now it’s necessary!)
  • Don’t tease when you’re angry.
  • Don’t tease when you’re feeling left out.

I’m sure we’ll have more. Any thoughts or Scriptures that you teach when you’re talking about teasing?

Popularity: 17% [?]

Continue reading Teaching How to Tease

Care to leave a comment?

Beethoven’s Wig and Pride

  • Posted on September 1, 2009 at 9:35 am

This is a post I half wrote for Wisdom Wednesday last week. Hopefully this week will be a twofer.

I’m asking myself, How Is Scripture Changing Me today? I’m still rereading Psalm 119. This chapter more than any other resets my thinking (i.e., renews my mind) as it pertains to my attitude toward God’s Word. This has been good for me in reminding me what is really important in life for my children and me.

Yesterday, I did have an opportunity to talk about Scripture with David.

We’ve been listening to a CD called Beethoven’s Wig, where some clever people wrote funny words to go with classical music selections. We’ve been listening to it multiple times in a day, for the last few weeks. Bethel is getting tired of it, and asked the other morning if we could listen to another CD.

As the first song started playing, I realized that David was crying in a small chair in the corner of the living room. I thought maybe someone had thrown a shoe at him, called him sisified percy or something else life threatening, but no, he was crying because he wanted to listen to Beethoven’s Wig [is very big].  ”Wheels on the Bus is baby music,” he wailed. Truthfully, he response shocked me. It’s not like he was tired. He hadn’t even asked to listen to Beethoven’s Wig.

I sat him down and asked him whether he thought I might be tired of Beethoven’s Wig and whether Wheels on the Bus was my favorite music. No answer, so I pushed him a little. “Do you think mommy might like different music too?” He nodded. I had him get my Bible and told him I was going to show him why I listen to Beethoven’s Wig and Wheels on the Bus. I think he was interested.

I read Philippians 2.

Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. 4 Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. Philippians 2:2-4

The conversation ended and life went on. Children played. We listened to Wheels on the Bus and Beethoven’s Wig one more time.

Popularity: 23% [?]

Continue reading Beethoven’s Wig and Pride

1 Comment

Defining Tattletale

  • Posted on April 21, 2009 at 1:39 am

The tattletale has finally come into my radar. I’m surprised to find out that I’ve mentioned it only three times in the last few years.

For the last four years, I have WANTED my little ones to come to me with offenses. They had no problem solving skills to start with, and the only way I could help them was if I knew about it.

But now, I see something new. My older children (four and nearly six) do have some problem solving skills. And I’ve noticed that they’ve been coming to me with offenses that I’m not as happy to help them with.

What makes the difference? To find out, we have to define tattletale. That we’ll do next.

Popularity: 21% [?]

Continue reading Defining Tattletale

3 Comments on Defining Tattletale

Animal Hospital

  • Posted on April 9, 2009 at 10:30 am

Last week I took Laurel to the orthopedist, who confirmed the broken arm, and denied the broken leg. So the leg splint was taken off, and Laurel given permission to walk (but not climb, swing, jump, etc.). That’s been good news, and it’s been a lot easier to keep everyone busy and happy.

I also spent some time in Bakersfield with more family. We enjoyed being with Mark and Charity and their children for several days.

One day, Bethel was upset. She had been enjoying pretending with her cousin Sydney for several days, but something had gone awry. Apparently, all was well as long as they played animal hospital (what Bethel likes to play), but when Sydney wanted to play princess, Bethel became rather obstinate.

The problem wasn’t that princess isn’t fun to play. I suggested a number of compromises and additions to the princess motif. Bethel wasn’t interested. “I just like to play by myself,” she said. (Now while it is true that Bethel does play happily alone, I suspected that the sudden desire for alone time was not simply burnout of being around people.)

Since many of us know what Scripture says, and many of us don’t always know how it applies to our daily lives, I figured this might be the case with Bethel. She’s four, and increasingly able to understand (with guidance) ways to solve problems. She may not always like the solutions, but that’s another problem.

So I asked her if she was preferring herself more than Sydney. She answered in the affirmative. I asked her what she could do to prefer Sydney’s interests and desires more important than her own. She genuinely didn’t know what to say. I tried rephrasing the question several ways, in case she didn’t understand. Finally, I said, One way you can show that you are preferring Sydney is to play what she wants to play first.

Bethel didn’t like that, but she did understand it.

Then Sydney came around and agreed to play animal hospital. Was all my work for naught? I’m not so sure.

Popularity: 25% [?]

Continue reading Animal Hospital

Care to leave a comment?

Wanting Now

  • Posted on January 20, 2009 at 10:39 am

I watched the three children huddled together with interest. Someone was trying to strike a bargain, and another was not interested.

When my four year old finally realized she would not convince her little sister to give her the coveted item, she started to wail.

Since the coveted item belonged to the younger child, and had been in her possession most of the morning, I wasn’t inclined to force her to share, especially since Bethel was crying to get what she wanted. As it happened, I was not distracted with chores or the computer, and was able to devote all my attention on her.

I asked her if she thought that having the toy would make her happy. Of course, she asserted that it would make her happy. Thankfully I had just completed my mother’s lesson on Contentment, so I knew some Scriptures to share with my weeping child.

By this time, David had come over to listen, and when I asked if Mommy could be happy without Daddy, he answered, “No!” I explained that although mommy misses daddy very much, and although I am sad that he is not with us, I can be happy when I remember that God is everything I need.

Here the verse we talked about

Psalm 73:25 Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee. My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.

Still not sure they’re buying it.

Popularity: 16% [?]

Continue reading Wanting Now

Care to leave a comment?

After I’ve Been Impatient

  • Posted on December 10, 2008 at 5:00 am

Wisdom Wednesday Header

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.  And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. Galatians 5:22-25

Earlier I mentioned that God’s been working in my heart about patience. One day of meditation hasn’t been enough, though!

  • God has helped me to be more aware of when I’m impatient.
  • I still need more work on asking God forgiveness when I’m not patient. If I’m not patient, I’m not walking in the Spirit. If I’m not asking God’s forgiveness, then I’m not taking seriously my sin.
  • I discovered that one way I can stop being impatient is to followup my impatience with patient words. For example, I might say “Hurry up. We’re all waiting for you” to one of my dear children. Now, encouraging a child to think of others isn’t the problem. The problem is that I’m not thinking of her sanctification, but my inconvenience at holding the door open.  I’ve discovered that instead of chalking up the conversation as another failure, I can redeem it by expressing myself in a more Christ-honoring manner. Sometimes I’ve explained my reasons for concern. Sometimes I’ve asked forgiveness for being impatient. Sometimes I’ve just added something pleasant to the conversation. I think this is a good response.

Wisdom Wednesday Header
Hurray for those who are brave enough to share how God’s Word is changing their lives, one decision at a time. Anyone else want to join in? Don’t forget to leave a comment telling us.

Popularity: 27% [?]

Continue reading After I’ve Been Impatient

4 Comments on After I’ve Been Impatient

Getting My Own Way

  • Posted on November 10, 2008 at 10:30 am

Have you ever intervened in an argument and stalled telling your children something spiritual until you could think of something spiritual?

The other day, Bethel was playing with brick blocks, large cardboard blocks that are remarkably versatile play objects. The only trouble is that we don’t have a large amount of them.

David decided to make something, too, but by the time he had started building, Bethel had three more blocks than he did. So he started to cry. Now Bethel had already resigned herself to supplementing her blocks with the hardwood kindergarten blocks, but David wasn’t interested in kindergarten blocks. He lost sight of his goal (building a stable) and could see only the inequity of the block distribution.

I tried to gather my normally unorganized thoughts together into something coherent and persuasive. David was obviously being selfish, but that line has been getting overused. Perhaps if I had been renewing my own mind on this matter, I would have been better prepared to respond quickly.

I did pray, and God helped me think about Paul. I asked David “Can you be happy with fewer blocks than Bethel?” He paused crying enough to tell me no, and then climbed next to me to mope.

I racked my brain. Learning to be content? No, I don’t know the reference. Philippians 2? Maybe. What about Paul and Silas in jail? I bet David would understand that.

So I turned to Acts and found where Paul was still Saul and persecuting Christians. I read about what Paul was like before he got saved, and then I turned to Acts 16 where Paul and Silas were put in prison. I asked David if he though Paul and Silas could be happy in prison. David knew the correct answer was yes, but he obviously didn’t understand how that could be.

How could they sing? It was God’s grace in their lives. I took the time to point out that David needed salvation and God’s grace to be able to rejoice when he didn’t get something he wanted. On our own, we cannot reach God’s standard. It is impossible. We prayed together.

And once again, in recounting a discussion with my children, I see what God is teaching me. How often do I fret because I don’t get my way? Can I be content in any circumstance? I need God’s grace.

Popularity: 14% [?]

Continue reading Getting My Own Way

Care to leave a comment?