As4Me » Getting Along

Mothers Slow to Speak

Michelle — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 13:38:29 +0000

I talked earlier about being slow to speak and quick to hear as a part of being slow to anger. And here about encouraging conversation instead of lecturing.

I’ve been thinking lately that I need to be slow to speak for another reason: I’m interfering with my children’s ability to solve their problems.

Typically, I hear a scream from a child, and my reaction is to come investigate immediately. After all, the screamer is not solving a problem correctly, and there is undoubtedly an instigator who has also done something wrong. They need correction! My suspicions are confirmed if I wait a second, because then I hear “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Now I know something happened, and I want to know what it was.

I am noticing that, if I can restrain myself, often (though not always), the screamer and teaser resolve their problem without my even coming in the room. I’m wondering whether delaying my response will help the screamer to deal with the problem on her own. Maybe she’ll use her scream to effect change instead of to alert mom for help, but I do see that as progress. We have further to go, but I’m interested to think that being quick to hear and slow to speak has value in this context as well. For now, I’ve been ignoring the fight, and waiting to see how they resolve the issue. Isn’t that what I am working towards?Similar Posts:

Learning to Love

Michelle — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 13:19:09 +0000

David came to me this morning, troubled. It seems that the girls were playing right outside his door this morning, hoping he would wake up and play with them. He was certain they had come into his room, and was bothered that they denied it.

He was sleepy and grouchy. So he cuddled up in my lap and we rocked together for a bit, even though he’s really too big for that these days. This was a good morning for a two-sided discussion, because this is a really important spiritual lesson: How should we respond when we suspect someone is not telling the truth, but we have no evidence to the contrary? How should we respond when someone has done something thoughtless or rude?

I asked the girls a few questions and gathered that his report of the facts seemed generally accurate. The first thing I have been doing in these situations is acknowledge that the girls should have done something else. Right up front. Love embraces truth, and it is not truth to pretend something that is obviously false. I have found that if I skip the step of acknowledging the injustice, I can’t make headway in the discussion of his responsibilities. The reason this is so important is normal immaturity and lack of knowledge: children think that if you don’t deal with the siblings sins at that moment, you don’t see it, or don’t think it’s as bad as what they’re getting corrected for. I think they must learn to trust their parents in this regard, but I also believe that this trust has to be based on knowledge of certain facts: parents can deal with one person at a time. Parents deal with things later, sometimes. Children may not always know when a sibling has been corrected. I can’t expect my children to know these things if I haven’t told them.

I asked David if he had the ability to overlook the offense. He nodded. I’m really discussing this idea a lot these days, so I added more information: Overlooking an offense doesn’t mean you say “That was a wonderful thing my sister did!” I suggested he listen to I Corinthians 13 a bunch of times, and told him to listen for when Paul tells us that love rejoices in the truth, but also hopes all things. The idea is that renaming something wonderful if it’s not the truth is not love. On the other hand, if there are two possibilities, then love believes the best one.

I gave some obvious examples. Is it more loving to believe your sister accidentally bumped you, or bumped you because she was trying to be mean? David recognized that assuming good motives was more loving. Especially when a sibling denies any ill intent, love chooses to accept this explanation.’

I brought him back to the original offense. I asked him to think of why Bethel and Laurel might have sat in front of his door, and I led him down the road of trying to see through his sisters’ eyes. We then talked about what he could say and do instead of getting angry. Love might indeed say, “I don’t want to play when you wake me up in this way.” And love does recognize that his sisters may not have been telling the truth when they said they weren’t in the room, but love can also accept their words and trust God with the truth. Love might see the desire of his sisters’ heart and suggest a better time for playing together.

And then our day went rolling along.Similar Posts:

Learning to be Patient

Michelle — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 10:00:06 +0000

I’ve been thinking about my desire to be more patient with my children. I’ve been praying about it, but then I started thinking more deeply (forgive me– I think more at certain times of the month!) Is prayer the only thing I can do to be more patient?

We talked a little bit about teamwork, something that helps me to be more patient. When I can change my attitude into one of helping– kindness!– I am loving my children, and it’s probably not a surprise that I’m more patient in the process.

I need to remember more that LOVE is patient. That helps me understand an important motive for patience, as well as a goal to reach for. If I look at all of I Corinthians 13, I can easily see ways that I can love my children and naturally be more patient. Love is kind? Love is not selfish? Love sees things in the best light? I think about how often I assume the worst and snap at my children, only to find out after the fact that I was falsely accusing them. I’ve been increasingly aware of my tendency to determine motives: You were being prideful, You wanted Laurel to feel bad, You didn’t care about such and such, and so on. I’ve been trying to rephrase these accusations as questions: It looks like you were being prideful. Could it be that you wanted your sister to feel bad? What I’ve discovered is that when I attempt to be more loving by asking these questions, I’m more patient, too.

One of the verses that we talk about with our children is James 1:19 So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath;

Today I was realizing that these three commands were given together for a reason. If I am slow to speak (asking more questions) and quick to hear (paying attention to what they say), I will be slow to anger (more patient).

I’ve been helping my children not to be quick to anger. Typically, it has taken awhile for me to realize that I need the lesson too. I tell my children, Asking questions and listening to the answer is a good way to be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to wrath all at once.

Good questions must be learned just like patience. Slowly, with a lot of practice and failures! But we progress nonetheless. Praise God for this!

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A Few Thoughts on Fairness

Michelle — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 11:59:04 +0000

What’s going on biblically when children complain about something not being fair?

Lee had a good discussion with one of our children, who was concerned about fairness when a sibling had computer time that neither of the other two siblings received. Lee mentioned later that people overly concerned with “fairness” are often simply envious. That was a new thought for me.

It’s important to note that parents can sinfully give preference to certain children– I don’t know how to define this or what it’s called. But showing favoritism is bad. On the other hand, treating children differently isn’t always favoritism. (For reference see Matthew 20.)

That’s all for today.Similar Posts:

Self Examination

Michelle — Tue, 20 Sep 2011 11:59:42 +0000

We’ve really been talking a lot at our house about how love sees things in the best light. That’s because children (and adults, too) naturally don’t give people the benefit of the doubt. Lately we’ve had a lot of conflict (instant screaming, instant hurt feelings, instant anger) simply because a child assumed something untrue.

A little while ago, an adult was unfaithful regarding a promise to one of our children. I wrestled with helping our children see things in the best light, but as time went by, it was harder to do so honestly.

So we talked about motives and mitigating circumstances: It may be true that an adult has sinned, but there may be a situation that we don’t know about, and that uncertainty should cause us to be patient. So we talked about some possibilities in our own situation. David suggested another.

I mentioned that judging motives isn’t something God wants us to do (I was thinking the passage in Romans 14, but I’m not sure it is the best passage in this situation). David brought up another passage that he thought was helpful in this situation.

And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? ⁴ Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? ⁵ Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. Matthew 7:3-5

At the moment, I was thinking more about judging motives, and not self examination. I didn’t really follow up David’s suggestion, other than a half-hearted, “sure, that’s a good verse, too.” I could have done more, though. I could have seen his suggestion as evidence of how he was thinking, and tried to discover that. It really would have been better to postpone my thought path and look at David’s.

Then David suggested that I blog about that verse, so finally, I am dutifully blogging. Maybe I should start wondering how God would use this passage in my own situations. That might be, oh, rather convicting.Similar Posts:

Teasing Object Lesson

Michelle — Thu, 03 Feb 2011 13:56:47 +0000

Surely the churning of milk bringeth forth butter, and the wringing of the nose bringeth forth blood: so the forcing of wrath bringeth forth strife. Proverbs 30:33

I read this verse yesterday morning and decided it would make a fun object lesson. Forcing wrath sounds a lot like provoking and teasing to me– so yesterday I put some cream in a glass jar and asked the children what would happen if we shook it. David knew, because we’ve done this game before. The girls weren’t sure.

I had them shake the jar while I read the verse and we talked about it. How do children “force wrath”? I asked. It wasn’t hard to get them started. They understood that! Poking, singing the same song over and over, making faces, teasing past the point of fun, and so on. Then we talked about strife, and they understood that too.

Eventually the cream started to break down, and we had a nice lump of butter. The conversation petered. This morning, we’ll have pancakes, and maybe we can have the same conversation again with Daddy when we use our butter.Similar Posts:

Loving According to Knowledge

Michelle — Tue, 11 Jan 2011 20:01:15 +0000

I’ve been thinking about the skills and knowledge my children will need as adults– problem solving, communication, and so on– that will help them as they leave our home to have their own families.

When my children have difficulty with teasing, I’m thinking about how that problem is manifested in adulthood. This is why when I heard my daughter, stumbling down the stairs after her nap, a brother tapping his sister on the head several times with a toy, and then the daughter crying, I called David back and asked him what happened.

“I did it just one time, Mom, and she said stop, so I stopped.” [I must remember and be thankful that he's learning this important lesson, even as I realize I have yet another lesson to teach him.]

After commending him for listening to his sister, I asked him if Daddy ever teases Mommy. He smiled and said, “No!” When I asked him why not, he told me that Daddy knows Mommy doesn’t like to be teased.

I explained to David that Daddy does tease Mommy on occasion, but it’s not very often, and most of the time, Daddy knows WHEN to tease, and when NOT to tease. Mommy likes teasing every once in awhile. God’s Word tells husbands to live with their wives according to knowledge.

Then I explained that some women like to be teased a lot. If their husband love them, what should they do? Of course, tease their wives, and often! So, I explained, husbands must know what their wives like in order to love them, right? I told David that when he is married, he’ll need to figure out what his wife likes, so he can love her better.

Now we come to sisters. In the same way, our son needs to know HOW to love his sisters. I asked David if his sisters like to be teased. “Sometimes,” he answered. That’s the problem, I tell David. Sometimes it’s hard to love your sisters according to knowledge, because you don’t know what they will like.

I smiled when I told David that I could accurately predict that his sisters will NEVER enjoy teasing while they’re still stumbling around after waking up.

Since this conversation, I’ve used this Scripture passage with them all to help them base their actions on what the other person needs or wants. I like knowing that when David is married, he’ll be familiar with this command. I pray that he’s submissive to the Holy Spirit to obey it, both now and then.

Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.

⁸Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous:

⁹Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing.

¹⁰For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile:

I Peter 3:7-10

[Note: I'm realizing as I write this, that I used the language of the King James Version, and other versions say "live with your wives in an understanding way." The concept is the same, even though my vocabulary might have been different than yours.]

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Teasing: How to Join in a Game

Michelle — Mon, 10 Jan 2011 13:05:01 +0000

Last week, I mentioned that our children tease too much– unkindly– in spite of our best efforts to stop it. The things we’ve done to teach and train them have been good things to do. We’ve seen improvements. But we’re not finished with learning and teaching.

I mentioned that I started (again) trying to understand the motivation behind the teasing. While our sin nature is pervasive, not every problem is primarily a sin problem. I was surprised when I gave David a list of reasons people tease, he told me that he wanted to play with Bethel, but he didn’t know how to.

We’ve worked before on knowing how to join in a group. (What should you say, how should you act, what should you avoid doing). This was a little different, because I’m certain I’ve never taught my non-pretending children how to pretend. Bethel has long drawn out pretend dramas with her horse playmobil sets. David seldom pretends. It’s true that he doesn’t understand his sisters. I asked him a little doubtfully, you want to play what Bethel is playing? He nodded.

So I explained. When somebody pretends, they are making a fictional story in their minds. Then they act out their story. If you want to join in with Bethel’s play, first you have to find out what her story is. If you have a child who doesn’t pretend, you will understand that this was a new thought for my son.

I told him, Ask her, “What are you pretending?” or ask her “What are these people doing?”

He looked at me a little doubtfully, but went back and asked her what she was doing. After listening to a long explanation, David decided to find something else to do.

Five minutes later, we needed another teasing talk. I’ll talk about that tomorrow. I will tell you that we began talking about what it means to love someone according to knowledge.

I don’t think our discussion was without value. It’s helpful to remind myself that life is seldom learned in short, discrete unit studies. The conversation will go on!Similar Posts:

Using the Bible Too Quickly

Michelle — Tue, 04 Jan 2011 13:44:44 +0000

I’ve been dissatisfied with my attempts to respond to my children when they tease. We’ve tried a lot of approaches. I’ve talked about loving. About preferring one another. About the mad man who says “I’m just joking.” I’ve talked about how teasing is only fun when everyone is having fun. (I’ve given that lecture repeatedly.) I’ve tried asking questions, I’ve tried helping them understand how it feels to be teased unkindly. I’ve taught them to stop when the person says, “Please stop.”

But still we have a teasing problem.

Partly because I’ve been thinking lately about how my children’s personalities can affect their actions, I realized that I have been assuming this is a sin problem without considering other contributing factors. So I asked myself, What’s going on here? What is my child trying to accomplish?

I started asking myself why children tease others (apart from good teasing where both children are genuinely enjoying the teasing). I’ve got a few possibilities (I’m sure we could think of others), and not all of them are evidence of rebellion.

They’re bored.
They’ve figured out that some teasing is enjoyable, and don’t know when to stop.
They want to join in someone’s play, and don’t know how.
They are enjoying hurting someone.

Truly, a child can have a combination of several motivations, but it’s clear to me that I can easily address the first three motivations and be able to more clearly address the fourth, if necessary. This is a good example of how sometimes in our eagerness to teach God’s Word, we forget that there’s practical instruction that our children need, too. These practical instructions enable them to apply God’s Word effectively.

I’ve been assuming the last reason, mostly, and lecturing based on that reason. But what if that’s not the reason? I decided to ask.

Next time I’ll tell you what I learned, and the instruction I gave as a result.Similar Posts:

Parenting-by-Proxy Part 2

Michelle — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 10:00:43 +0000

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how my children respond to sinning siblings and friends.

When we sat at lunch last week, I spent some time talking about the responsibility a mom and a dad have to teach and discipline their children. (I’m really interested in their responsibility, but talking about something they need to know indirectly seems to result in children a little more verbally interactive and less defensive.)

I asked if they could think of a verse where God gives parents the authority and responsibility to discipline their children. They correctly identified Ephesians 6:1 as a good example (it specifically demonstrates to children that they must submit to the authority of their parents, but it works). I gave them a couple more.

Then I asked if God gave siblings the authority and responsibility to discipline and teach their brothers and sisters. They giggled a bit, and we all agreed that God didn’t command brothers and sisters to obey each other.

Or did He?

I asked them what Cain meant when he said “Am I my brother’s keeper?” We talked about how, although brothers and sisters don’t have the same authority and responsibility to each other than parents and children have, they still have a responsibility to each other.

Then I told them that Jesus talked about our relationship with brothers and sisters, too. (I didn’t go into the distinction between spiritual siblings and biological ones.) We looked at Matthew 7.

“Judge not, that you be not judged. ² For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. ³ And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? ⁴ Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? ⁵ Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. Matthew 7:1-5

We discussed what Jesus was talking about. Then I asked them what the problem was when one sibling called out to mom “David’s not cleaning his room” while at the same time having a messy room.

I asked them how they could love their sibling, and whether it was right to leave one’s messy room and start cleaning brother’s room. I referenced “Love does not look on her own interests.” That passage really addresses the motives for “helping.” We decided that it was probably loving to clean up one’s room first, and then go help brother clean his room. Or encourage him. Or pray for him. Lots of responses. (sometimes it is appropriate to tell mom. We didn’t talk about that response this time, but we have in the past, and we will in the future!)

Several times since this discussion, I’ve referred back to these passages. I’m interested in how often a discussion like this one sometimes lasts for days and weeks. Now, I see the connection between how my children deal with problems, and passages in Scripture that directly address motives and actions. Cool.Similar Posts: