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Parenting-by-Proxy Part 2

  • Posted on August 16, 2010 at 5:00 am

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how my children respond to sinning siblings and friends.

When we sat at lunch last week, I spent some time talking about the responsibility a mom and a dad have to teach and discipline their children. (I’m really interested in their responsibility, but talking about something they need to know indirectly seems to result in children a little more verbally interactive and less defensive.)

I asked if they could think of a verse where God gives parents the authority and responsibility to discipline their children. They correctly identified Ephesians 6:1 as a good example (it specifically demonstrates to children that they must submit to the authority of their parents, but it works). I gave them a couple more.

Then I asked if God gave siblings the authority and responsibility to discipline and teach their brothers and sisters. They giggled a bit, and we all agreed that God didn’t command brothers and sisters to obey each other.

Or did He?

I asked them what Cain meant when he said “Am I my brother’s keeper?” We talked about how, although brothers and sisters don’t have the same authority and responsibility to each other than parents and children have, they still have a responsibility to each other.

Then I told them that Jesus talked about our relationship with brothers and sisters, too. (I didn’t go into the distinction between spiritual siblings and biological ones.) We looked at Matthew 7.

“Judge not, that you be not judged. 2 For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. 3 And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? 5 Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. Matthew 7:1-5

We discussed what Jesus was talking about. Then I asked them what the problem was when one sibling called out to mom “David’s not cleaning his room” while at the same time having a messy room.

I asked them how they could love their sibling, and whether it was right to leave one’s messy room and start cleaning brother’s room. I referenced “Love does not look on her own interests.” That passage really addresses the motives for “helping.” We decided that it was probably loving to clean up one’s room first, and then go help brother clean his room. Or encourage him. Or pray for him. Lots of responses. (sometimes it is appropriate to tell mom. We didn’t talk about that response this time, but we have in the past, and we will in the future!)

Several times since this discussion, I’ve referred back to these passages. I’m interested in how often a discussion like this one sometimes lasts for days and weeks. Now, I see the connection between how my children deal with problems, and passages in Scripture that directly address motives and actions. Cool.

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Beethoven’s Wig and Pride

  • Posted on September 1, 2009 at 9:35 am

This is a post I half wrote for Wisdom Wednesday last week. Hopefully this week will be a twofer.

I’m asking myself, How Is Scripture Changing Me today? I’m still rereading Psalm 119. This chapter more than any other resets my thinking (i.e., renews my mind) as it pertains to my attitude toward God’s Word. This has been good for me in reminding me what is really important in life for my children and me.

Yesterday, I did have an opportunity to talk about Scripture with David.

We’ve been listening to a CD called Beethoven’s Wig, where some clever people wrote funny words to go with classical music selections. We’ve been listening to it multiple times in a day, for the last few weeks. Bethel is getting tired of it, and asked the other morning if we could listen to another CD.

As the first song started playing, I realized that David was crying in a small chair in the corner of the living room. I thought maybe someone had thrown a shoe at him, called him sisified percy or something else life threatening, but no, he was crying because he wanted to listen to Beethoven’s Wig [is very big].  ”Wheels on the Bus is baby music,” he wailed. Truthfully, he response shocked me. It’s not like he was tired. He hadn’t even asked to listen to Beethoven’s Wig.

I sat him down and asked him whether he thought I might be tired of Beethoven’s Wig and whether Wheels on the Bus was my favorite music. No answer, so I pushed him a little. “Do you think mommy might like different music too?” He nodded. I had him get my Bible and told him I was going to show him why I listen to Beethoven’s Wig and Wheels on the Bus. I think he was interested.

I read Philippians 2.

Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. 4 Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. Philippians 2:2-4

The conversation ended and life went on. Children played. We listened to Wheels on the Bus and Beethoven’s Wig one more time.

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Pride and Sippee Cups

  • Posted on August 23, 2009 at 11:10 pm

When Laurel turned two, in a fit of self-righteousness, I threw away an odd assortment of  sippee cups. The children really didn’t need them. Besides, I’ve always held that children who never drink out of regular cups never learn how to drink out of regular cups. So we primarily used some wide-bottomed juice glasses for their drinks. They got their juice, and I felt like an enlightened mother, especially when I saw school-aged children toting those cups at restaurants and at the park. Shocking, isn’t it?

I can see the Type A mothers smiling, because they’d much rather have a child with a sippee cup than spilled milk or broken glass, right? Well, in case you were doubting, I am not a Type A mother. I do not cry over spilled milk.

But I do have pride in my life.

My girls have been asking for new sippee cups for about six months. I’ve been resisting, Scot that I am, to spend money when they obviously had no need for sippee cups. (Haven’t they been using regular cups with only ocassional spills?) Actually, it was pride, not stewardship. Last week I finally bought two sippee cups, much to the delight of my daughters, and still I’ve been annoyed that they use them. That’s also pride, even though I didn’t call it that.

Sippee cups are not the reason for this post. Really, a mother is no more or less spiritual for choosing a particular cup. Pride, on the other hand, is insidious. It creeps in our lives, even as we are wailing about our inadequacy in one breath, and congratulating ourselves  for our good sense, exclusive understanding, or great spiritual maturity in the next.

Pray with me today that God reveals our pride, because God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.

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Genius and Humility

  • Posted on June 8, 2009 at 7:53 am

An eleven year old is graduating from college with a two-year degree in astrophysics. It’s a fantastic accomplishment for an obviously intelligent child. In an interview, he was apparently asked if he considered himself a genius, and he was praised for his modest (i.e., humble) answer:

“I don’t consider myself a genius because there are 6.5 billion people in this world and each one is smart in his or her own way,” Cavalin told Wood TV.

Cavalin has a general idea what his IQ is, but doesn’t like to discuss it. He says other students can achieve his success if they study hard and stay focused on their work.

Now, it’s hard to say what this young man has been told about his intelligence. He’s got a room full of martial arts trophies, so he’s not being denied the results of being more intelligent and skilled than others. He knows he’s smart, but he politely turns his attention to all the other children who can achieve exactly as he has if they choose to work hard, too.

I commend this boy and his parents for desiring to be publicly humble about intelligence, and I think it’s wise to downplay the term “genius.” However, an objective evaluation reveal that the boy’s answer is inaccurate. Other children cannot achieve exactly the same as he if they simply work hard. Everyone being smart in his or her own way glosses over the reality that some children do in fact have more raw intelligence than others.

So, what would I encourage my own children to say, should they be graduating from college at age 11? Hereare a few ways I would reword what was quoted above:

What’s important is not how much intelligence I have, but what I am doing with the intelligence I have been given by God. That’s why I’m going to college. I didn’t do anything to have more intelligence than some other people, so it’s not something I can brag about or be proud about. Other people are smart in different ways, and there are people who are more intelligent than I am. Most people can succeed academically if they simply work hard.

The vital emphasis is faithfulness to what we have been given. This principle applies to my children whether their IQ is 50 or 150. Rather than just for the superintelligent, it is a message we and all of our children need. We misunderstand humility if we think it means we believe we are stupid and ugly, even if we’re not. Rather, when we understand accurately who God is, and then who we are, we are in the best framework for learning humility.  Paul lists his mental assets and experiences truthfully. He recognizes that strengths are of no value for personal gain. They are irrelevant in the context of knowing Christ.

If anyone else thinks he has reason for confidence in the flesh, I have more:  circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; as to the law, a Pharisee;  as to zeal, a persecutor of the church; as to righteousness under the law, blameless. But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith—  that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.

Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:4-14

Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think any thing as of ourselves; but our sufficiency is of God;  6Who also hath made us able ministers of the new testament II Cor 3:5-6a

And that, wise reader, is my responsibility today:  forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead. Think motherhood isn’t about straining forward to what lies ahead? Press on!

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Animal Hospital

  • Posted on April 9, 2009 at 10:30 am

Last week I took Laurel to the orthopedist, who confirmed the broken arm, and denied the broken leg. So the leg splint was taken off, and Laurel given permission to walk (but not climb, swing, jump, etc.). That’s been good news, and it’s been a lot easier to keep everyone busy and happy.

I also spent some time in Bakersfield with more family. We enjoyed being with Mark and Charity and their children for several days.

One day, Bethel was upset. She had been enjoying pretending with her cousin Sydney for several days, but something had gone awry. Apparently, all was well as long as they played animal hospital (what Bethel likes to play), but when Sydney wanted to play princess, Bethel became rather obstinate.

The problem wasn’t that princess isn’t fun to play. I suggested a number of compromises and additions to the princess motif. Bethel wasn’t interested. “I just like to play by myself,” she said. (Now while it is true that Bethel does play happily alone, I suspected that the sudden desire for alone time was not simply burnout of being around people.)

Since many of us know what Scripture says, and many of us don’t always know how it applies to our daily lives, I figured this might be the case with Bethel. She’s four, and increasingly able to understand (with guidance) ways to solve problems. She may not always like the solutions, but that’s another problem.

So I asked her if she was preferring herself more than Sydney. She answered in the affirmative. I asked her what she could do to prefer Sydney’s interests and desires more important than her own. She genuinely didn’t know what to say. I tried rephrasing the question several ways, in case she didn’t understand. Finally, I said, One way you can show that you are preferring Sydney is to play what she wants to play first.

Bethel didn’t like that, but she did understand it.

Then Sydney came around and agreed to play animal hospital. Was all my work for naught? I’m not so sure.

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A Steward of Intelligence

  • Posted on March 31, 2009 at 12:07 am

Today in school, we worked on math.

David was doing the simple addition problems in his head, and I remarked that I knew a child several years older than he who couldn’t do those problems at all. David remarked that this was terrible, and I responded, “Not really. God didn’t give him the ability to learn math.”

Then I explained that we are stewards of intelligence just like stewards of the money and possessions God gives us (we’ve discussed stewardship before). When David (and Mommy) work hard to study, we’re being good stewards of the ability God has given us. If we’re lazy and just get by (making sixes and zeros comes to mind), we’re not being good stewards.

So that other child who has difficulty with math can glorify God, even if she must always count with her fingers to add one plus three. Being a good steward had little to do with intelligence.

Convicting, isn’t it?

Conversations like these remind me why I homeschool.

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Comparing Epiphany

  • Posted on March 9, 2009 at 5:04 am

I’ve had a delightful visit with Lee’s brother’s family this week (with the exception of Laurel’s ear infection). My sister-in-law is a pastor’s wife who manages much of the music at her church, keeps her house clean, homeschools her oldest and keeps her children looking great even when they’re playing in dirt. There is much to admire. One of the challenges I have when I visit is not comparing– their three and our three are exactly the same age.  We have different personalities but compatible values; even still, when their children are well behaved I worry that our children are not. When our children are better behaved (more than normal sometimes!) I feel happy that our children reflect well on our parenting.  I asked several friends to pray for me on this topic, and I know they have been faithful to do so.

The other night I had an epiphany. I have been trying to stop comparing without any awareness of what I want to start doing.

For we dare not class ourselves or compare ourselves with those who commend themselves. But they, measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise. II Corinthians 10:12

that you put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, 23 and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, 24 and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness. Ephesians 4:22-24

So I started brainstorming. When I’m comparing, I’m focussing on myself. True, I’m thinking about my children, but only insomuch as they’re reflecting on me. So if I want to put off the self-focussed thinking, I need to replace it with… others-focussed thinking.

I think God was preparing me for that thought, because all week I’ve been telling the children, “It’s not about you; it’s about others.” “Are you preferring yourself or preferring others?” and so on. So with some chagrin I realized that I needed the same message.

So I’m praying that God will help me to focus on others: how I can pray for them, how exciting it is to see God working in their lives, how they are happy and obedient, and so on. It’s early to say, but in between thinking about sick children I think maybe I’ve not been comparing as much. Maybe God’s working in my life, too.

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Clothed with Humility

  • Posted on December 17, 2008 at 11:00 am

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I’m still feeling under the weather, but it’s been a good week nevertheless. I’ve had to adjust my expectations of some things I planned to do, and I feel like I haven’t said a coherent word to my husband all week, but it still has been a good week.

In our Bible study that meets at our house, we ladies have been attempting to memorize the key verses that go with each lesson. I’ve not been doing very well, and keep putting it off (I’ll work on it later). Of course, we’re half way through the book and I still haven’t memorized any of them. So a few weeks ago, I finally put the cards by my sink so I could see them when I work.

Not surprisingly, I’ve been doing much better keeping the dishes clean right away, and keeping up with my other responsibilities. Here is what I’m working on now.

Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble.  I Peter 5:5b

God has been reminding me that any time I am selfish, I’m not clothed with humility. He’s been using this thought to motivate me to put aside my own desires for the good of my husband and children.  I have been tickled to see my actions and intentions adjusted as God works in my heart. He’s been doing this even though I’ve been feeling terrible.

I must be truthful that last night I went to bed without finishing cleaning the kitchen because I was tired and not feeling well. Being clothed with humility doesn’t make me superwoman!
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What has God been reminding you of from His Word?

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Countering Selfishness

  • Posted on December 8, 2008 at 12:59 pm

Which is easier at Christmas, to help children be givers, or takers?

I’m learning that the easy, default setting for Christmas is to simply give children gifts, tell them it is more blessed to give than receive, and leave it at that.

Helping children choose or make gifts for others is time consuming. So is giving our time during the Christmas season. You have to start early if you want to teach your children. It’s not exactly early, but still, I want to be take advantage of the holiday to teach. What, then, should I be teaching?

Teach them to give

I’m growing more convinced that the way to teach children not to be selfish is to teach them to be givers. Not by canceling Christmas, not by taking away all their toys, not by eliminating allowances.

Now, parents can certainly overdo Christmas gifts, children can have too many toys, and the allowances that some children have are shocking. Maybe I’ll talk about that another day. Right now I want to think about giving, regardless of what our children own or are given.

I want to teach our children that love is primarily defined as giving. Giving and sacrifice are a part of the gospel, so I must make the connection between gifts and salvation.

By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us. And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren. I John 3:16

Notice also that Paul gives the practical  solution for stealing, which is the height of selfishness, in Ephesians:

Let him that stole steal no more: but rather let him labour, working with his hands the thing which is good, that he may have to give to him that needeth. Ephesians 4:28

I like that Paul recognizes the need to replace selfishness with giving. I might have suggested  contentment, but that isn’t enough. Christian parents might want their children to be content without getting the latest gadget that all of their friends are getting, but really, giving is a better path to overcoming the selfishness. I think the contentment might be a caboose feeling.

I want them to know that we give what we have. They don’t have a lot of money, but they do have a lot of time. This year we’re making pillowcases. When flannel was on sale, I purchased a yard of fun flannel prints for each cousin. Then I let the kids push the sewing machine pedal while I guided it. It takes just a few minutes, and the kids are really excited about them. We’ll be finishing these this week and mailing them off next Monday. For the grandparents, the kids went looking for peach seeds, then we sanded them a bit, painted them gold, glued them in a circle, making a pretty flower shape, and then gluing a gold ribbon on them to make ornaments.  For our neighbors we’ll be making candy this week, lots of it. I’ve got a single gal from our church who is coming on Friday to help.

All of this takes time, and hassle. Like I said, it would be easier not to involve my children at all with the giving. But it’s not so hard if I plan ahead. The pressure is merely because I didn’t think of it until I started rushing for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and now I’ve got too much each day to do it really well. Next year, I might start in August!

Teach them to Be Thankful

We’ll probably also talk about thankfulness. I’d like to specifically talk about being thankful and content in the context of receiving gifts.

I want them to see that they are truly blessed materially, but really, I think they know that. Telling them about children who eat burned toast seems like an external manipulation, bypassing the heart issue: God gives us what we need.

Again, teaching children to be thankful is hard work. It takes time, and I’m not good at it myself. In particular, I need to do better at helping them write thank you cards. I need to show them that expressing thankfulness is as important as being thankful.

Teach Them to Be Joyful

I don’t want this month to be stressful and tense. I’d like to model the joy of the Lord for them. Last night I was tempted to leave a few things for the morning, but God convicted me that if I want to model the joy of the Lord, I’m going to have to work hard instead of indulging my flesh and being lazy. I’m sure it helped that I spend a good bit of naptime reading the Bible. I am now so happy to wake up with my path cleared for a profitable and happy day.

The way of the slothful man is as an hedge of thorns: but the way of the righteous is made plain. Proverbs 15:19

I will admit that it’s hard to be joyful when I make that decision and almost immediately they’re crying because I told them to put away the coloring books and make their beds. But I turned on the music and got to work myself. I praised them for joyfully working when they stopped whining and started working. It’s funny how much my getting up and actually working alongside them (even if on my own responsibilities) helps. Even baby, who doesn’t have much understanding of the season, recognizes my attitude and responds accordingly.

How else can I teach these things? Is it just a matter of keeping my focus on God, and not getting caught up in doing things, even good things? Or is it simply that I’m more organized this week, and next week I’ll be struggling to do right?

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The Source of Enjoying Things

  • Posted on December 3, 2008 at 5:00 am

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This morning we talked about Thankfulness. I’m making a deliberate effort to be ready for Christmas early by baking ahead, but I also want to deliberately teach my children the joy of giving, and the joy of receiving humbly. Right now I see the greediness starting to grow, and as I pondered the problem, I discovered that the Christmas conversation could easily start with thankfulness for God’s unspeakable gift.

So we rehearsed how God has blessed us. I was tickled that they remembered the big blessings I’ve been telling them: how God led Daddy and Mommy together, how God led us to our city in New Mexico, how God led us to our church, and how God is leading Lee to be deployed. I then read them James 1:17:

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning.

We talked about how every gift from God is good, even if we don’t recognize it. Mommy and Daddy didn’t know why God would send us to New Mexico when we wanted to be somewhere else, but God knew what was best for us. It was a wonderful gift!

We then talked about enjoying gifts. Since Lee’s parents brought Christmas presents with them, I asked the children whether they enjoyed the gifts they received. They have been enjoying these gifts, so I asked them where the enjoyment came from. Now this is a fairly complex idea, but it’s understandable. I explained that the toys don’t bring enjoyment; God gives the enjoyment as well as the gifts (and they do understand that Grandma and Grandpa gave the gifts, but they ultimately come from God). I gave them several things I know they enjoy, and asked them where the joy came from: the thing or the gift giver. After a few times, they understood and started answering correctly. I didn’t teach them the verse, but here is one place we see this idea clearly in God’s Word:

And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labour, it is the gift of God. Ecclesiastes 3:13

They are so trusting, believing me that God gives us the ability to enjoy His good gifts. They’re not quite ready to believe that giving gifts if more fun than receiving them. That’s what we’ll talk about next.

Then we all said James 1:17 together one more time.

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