11July2008

When Asking for Obedience Is Unwise

Posted by Michelle under: Obedience.

One of the things my mom has said is that it is true you cannot force a horse to drink, but you can give him salt so he wants to drink. It would be lovely if I could simply tell my children what to do, and have them do it, all the time. But the Lord is showing me that this is not always a good thing.

As my children grow older, I’ve got to teach them the process of decision making. If they cannot find God’s wisdom on their own, they will be tragically handicapped when they no longer have a mother and father telling them what to do.

Many Christians react when they see an overly controlling parent. They might mistakenly think that the problem is the strictness rather than the neglect of an important process. If they make this mistake, they might cast off rules which might be in fact helpful for their children.

Other Christians might believe that “reaching the heart” is simply showing the child that obedience is right, showing them what God’s Word says, and helping them do it. They risk at best a spiritually sensitive young adult who has no ability to make decisions without a trusted adult telling him what to do.

The difficulty is that teaching children to make right decisions means at some point (and I cannot presume to know when), we must allow our children to make wrong decisions. That’s scary. The teenage years are naturally times of growing independence. When this natural inclination is not guided by biblical decision making principles, we often end up with rebellion. When the reality of this natural inclination is denied, we stifle our children’s ability to make wise decisions. Growing independence is not the same thing as willful rebellion. While willful rebellion is not a developmental stage, growing independence is.

I suspect there is a middle ground. Shouldn’t it be possible to teach biblical decision making and foster independence from parents while encouraging a greater dependence on God? How is this done? I don’t have all the answers. But I do want to teach my children how to find God’s Will.

Awhile back, I found out that Gary Friessen’s Decision Making and the Will of God was somehow a book frowned upon by some in my circle of Christianity (although I didn’t get that from my parents, who I later learned had a copy on their bookshelf). Of course that made me want to read it, and I found it quite helpful as a college student.

Years later, my husband and I found Step by Step by James Petty to be much more clear and extremely helpful as we sought the Lord’s leading for some major life decisions. The explanation of the relationship between wisdom and the will of God was a powerful biblical truth that has repeatedly been a blessing to us.

Nothing on a preschool level, though. Maybe that’s an upcoming writing project for someone. Any takers?

Popularity: 18% [?]

Popularity: 18% [?]

9July2008

Is It a Battle?

Posted by Michelle under: Obedience.

I’ve heard various Christians react to the apparent conflict between shepherding a child, and winning the battles of authority. Regardless of how you want to label the conflict, I had a good experience this morning loving and caring for my twenty month old.

She ran away with sister’s toy, and when I told her to return it, she clutched it tighter and said no, Mommy.

I came to get her and help her obey, but then she dropped the toy and said no again.

So I scooped her up in my arms and took her to the bedroom. She got a spanking for disobeying. I told her that she must obey mommy, and when I prompted her to say yes, ma’am, again she said no. Now I know that many Christian parents would keep spanking at this point, but I don’t spank repeatedly until “the will is broken.” There’s too much danger of abuse at that point.

What I did do was this: I told her that she must stay with mommy until she said yes, ma’am. She cried, and I knew that she understood it was her way or my way. After awhile, I put her in a chair and told her that she could get up when she was ready to obey. Then I took advantage of her immobility and pulled out my Bible. That reminded me again to pray for wisdom and direction.

After awhile she told me that she wanted to get up. I told her she could, but after she was ready to obey. I’d asked her before Are you ready to obey? but she had always responded no.

Finally she said yes, and when I asked her to say yes, ma’am, she did.

We repeated this process a few hours later in a different incident. She responded more quickly that time. I’m particularly interested that it came about that establishing authority was more of a focus than the spanking. The spanking was incidental (and although I know some will disagree, I think it may have been unnecessary). God’s Word allows for a multitude of ways to teach our children to obey. Sometimes we focus on the method rather than the goal.

I’ll be thinking on this for awhile.

Popularity: 39% [?]

Popularity: 39% [?]

5May2008

Are You Going to Obey?

Posted by Michelle under: Obedience; Using Questions.

One of the questions we ask our children is “Are you going to obey?” This question clarifies that the command is not an optional wish the parents are making, something especially important with very young children. It emphasizes that obedience is a choice, and it communicates my desire for the child to do right.

Some people are concerned that it teaches children to avoid obeying until the last minute (like counting to three, or using the child’s middle name and last name). My response is that if I’m using the question to avoid confrontation, then it’s a problem. But if I’m using it to teach, then I think it’s appropriate.

One of the obedience struggles we’ve been facing with Bethel (age three) is that she bursts into tears when she’s asked to obey. Sometimes she obeys, but often her tears are a delay tactic and are clearly an expression of her resentment.

I’d like to address this issue with her. Yesterday I started asking “Are you going to obey cheerfully?” I’ve also asked several times “Are you going to choose to be cheerful?”

We’ll see how she responds.

Incidentally, I’ve noticed that Bethel and David also cry when they’re angry. I’ve said before “Hitting when you are angry does not work God’s righteousness,” but today I told David “You are crying to show that you are angry.” He stopped and looked at me. I don’t think he had thought of crying as an expression of anger.

Popularity: 49% [?]

Popularity: 49% [?]

19April2008

Four Parenting Links

Posted by Michelle under: Child Development; Family Devotions; Obedience.

Four links for today:

The first two are by occasional commenters at As4Me.

Addy writes about repetition in teaching children. I had missed the article she references, so I was thankful she shared its significance to child rearing.

Jay Younts asks how we can teach our children to have an intimate relationship with God. He states the very goal is an important first step. I thought his examples were excellent.

Here is a link on 10 Ways to Help Your Child Love Missions at the Desiring God (John Piper) website. I need to read this article often. I think the ideas are excellent and go a little beyond the typical recommendations I’ve seen. Maybe it’s just good writing.

Finally, in light of our discussions on children and salvation at the Thursday morning Bible study, here is a relevant link discussing when to allow children to be baptized. Bonus posts: See also the earlier posts on evangelizing our children in part one and two.

Popularity: 43% [?]

Popularity: 43% [?]

1April2008

Dwelling on Progress, and Being Thankful

Posted by Michelle under: Introspection; Obedience.

As I chopped up some onion yesterday, I thought about Bethel. She’s asking if she can continue what she’s doing, when I ask her to obey, instead of telling me, or ignoring me. She’s not bursting into tears when I tell her to do something, most of the time. We still are working on these things, but I see signs of definite and significant growth.

I am writing this because I didn’t start out thinking on Bethel’s progress. I was worrying over the lack of progress in another area. The worrying wasn’t helping my attitude, and God helped me to change how I was thinking. He’s working in her life, and I’m thankful for that, but he’s also working in my life, too. I need to remember that every stage of life has bumpy parts and fun parts. If I spend all my life dwelling on and complaining about the bumpy parts, I’m going to be a miserable mother. So… if I start complaining… just give me a thwack on the head, will you?

Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise:
be thankful unto him, and bless his name.

For the LORD is good; his mercy is everlasting;
and his truth endureth to all generations.

Psalm 100:4-5

Popularity: 30% [?]

Popularity: 30% [?]

31March2008

Working Dogs and Obedience

Posted by Michelle under: Obedience.

Last night we were driving back from El Paso, where Lee had some training over the weekend. There’s a border patrol stop on the way home, and the children were fascinated by the dogs that were walking by each car that stopped.

We explained that they were looking for drugs. We had to explain what “drugs” were and why they were bad. The dogs and their handlers were looking for people who were not obeying the law. Both David and Bethel were interested, so we kept talking, and at one point mentioned that working dogs must be obedient. They must obey right away, and they are happy when they are following their owner, just like we are happiest when we obey God.

They kept asking questions, so I started telling Dargo stories, about a German Shepherd we had growing up. We started Dargo in Schutzhund training, which prepares dogs for police work: tracking, defense, obedience, and so on. The problem was that Dargo wasn’t well disciplined, and he was never a success, even though he was a skilled tracker and highly intelligent.

They kept asking questions, and I was enjoying getting obedience mileage out of the topic.

Finally, they fell silent, and I felt thankful that God had allowed this discussion. I pray that I am alert to more real-life examples of God’s principles. I used to wish for a book of examples like this, but I’m starting to realize that while someone else’s examples can give some encouragement and inspiration, they aren’t nearly as helpful as those flowing out of a parent’s own life and walk with God. What real-life examples have you used lately to teach God’s ways?

Popularity: 23% [?]

Popularity: 23% [?]

20March2008

Why Was I Disciplined?

Posted by Michelle under: Obedience.

Yesterday while I was reading to the children, Bethel (age 3) was climbing on the beanbag behind me and stepping (actually jumping) on my hair. I told her to stop jumping on the beanbag, and started to finish the page I was reading, when I felt her jumping again.

She was disciplined, and was told that she must go right to bed (we still had one book to read), and would not be able to read in bed. Not being able to read was the cruelest consequence, and she asked tearfully if I would read to her when she woke up. The first thing she did when she woke up was bring me a book.

Today after eating lunch with daddy and on our way home, the children were discussing our naptime plans. David asked whether we could read together, and Bethel was obviously concerned that she was included, too. She said, I won’t step on your hair, and so I can read in bed.

Well. This statement concerned me, because I want her to know that she is disciplined for obedience, not simply stepping on mommy’s hair. Was I unclear? Perhaps my irritation at being stepped on influenced how I interacted with her at that point. I’m not sure, but at least I could help her understand now.

So I explained: You could not read in bed because you did not obey. Mommy didn’t want you to step on my hair, but that’s not why you could not read. Stepping on mommy’s hair is not a sin. Disobeying mommy is a sin. Just obey mommy, and you’ll be fine.

I tried several times to explain the concept, but each time she kept repeating I won’t step on your hair, so I can read in bed. Finally, I gave up. She’ll understand eventually. The issue will come up again, I’m certain.
I remember this issue when I taught school. Students would be reprimanded for teasing when not all teasing was problematic. If they didn’t understand the difference, they wouldn’t benefit from the discipline. I sent students to the office for disobedience, and when they talked to the principal, they said they were sent down for talking. Talking isn’t a sin, though, so she would ask questions until they indicated exactly what the sin was. It was important to her (and me) that these students learned why they were receiving consequences.

Popularity: 21% [?]

Popularity: 21% [?]

21February2008

Teaching Babies: Babies Saying No

Posted by Michelle under: Obedience.

Laurel (16 months old) recently learned how to say no.

This is actually a milestone I look forward to, because each step toward communication lessens the frustration of not being understood. Now she can tell her brother and sister to stop teasing her, she can tell me if she wants milk or juice, and she can give me an indication of what’s going on in her developing mind.

Saying no is a good accomplishment, but it can also be evidence of her sin nature. We don’t like to be told what to do! In the last week, it’s become suddenly common for her to say no, no, no, no, no as we leave the church nursery, as I move her away from the open dryer so I can close it, as I take away the bowl of cereal that she’s playing with. She’s started screaming sometimes when I don’t give her what she wants, and several times she’s waved her hands frantically to push me (or someone else) aside.

Herein is an apt example of how discerning motivation can make a significant difference in how I respond to my child. At this point, she’s not ever had instruction not to say no, so she’s not rebelling as much as she is expressing her opinion that she doesn’t like what is happening. She doesn’t yet know that she is not in charge. Still, I’m taking it seriously.

Is this a developmental stage that will go away without any intervention at all? The problem is, I’ve seen older children who have developed the habit of saying no (accompanied by running away or hitting mother). Her responses right now aren’t too devastating, but the same responses in a three year old aren’t pretty. It doesn’t seem to be simply a phase that will go away without any action, and I want to prevent this development. At the same time, I’ve also seen children stunted of having opinions of their own because they were not ever allowed in any context to disagree with their parents. I’d like to avoid this extreme, if possible. I do want her to learn that mommy is the authority, even if she doesn’t like it. But at the same time, I eventually want her to know that I want her to express her opinion appropriately and it’s okay to say no when daddy calls her so he can tickle her. It’s okay to say no when she’s given the option of having more food. It’s especially okay to say no, should an adult attempt to exploit her innocence.

Should I spank at this time? I don’t give negative consequences when I’m in a teaching stage. That’s the time when I’m defining terms (like saying Yay! You obeyed mommy) or defining boundaries (When mommy says come, you must come), or even showing procedures (Here’s a toy. Put it in the basket. Good work!). So negative consequences are out of the question for the time being.

Should I wait until she understands to force her to obey? I’ve observed mothers trying to convince a child why he or she should obey. There’s a subtle but significant difference between Pick up your toys, we’re going to the park and Pick up your toys… [pause] We’re going to the park. [pause] Your daddy is coming home and doesn’t like it when the toys are all over the floor [pause] You don’t like tripping over toys, do you? They might get broken. In the first example, the reason is given as a courtesy. In the second, the reasons are often given to avoid an unpleasant fit. So then, while I believe giving children advance notice and reasons for actions is a good thing, it should not be necessary. In the first place, a baby will not understand my actions. She doesn’t know that getting to bed on time is an important component for a happy day tomorrow. She simply knows that she likes playing with toys and doesn’t want to be disturbed (even with advance notice). I can try to explain what I’m doing, but ultimately, a baby’s comprehension isn’t sophisticated enough to grasp the significance of many parental actions.

So far, I have decided that when I give a command (with or without explanation), I will not stop to explain when she does not obey, or when she responds with a no. I do regularly explain after I take action. When I scooped her up at the nursery, I told her Daddy says it’s time to go. We need to go to bed. I am modeling with her what I do with her older siblings: give explanations after they obey.

Should I verbally address the no no no, or should I ignore it as I help her do what I want? I’ve chosen not to ignore it for the most part. If it’s something I’m doing that she doesn’t like, I sometimes ignore her. But if it’s something I’ve asked her to do, then I help her obey, tell her what I want her to say eventually (Say Yes, Ma’am) and go on. I’ve said sternly No screaming and No hitting mommy when she’s screamed or hit. Usually that stops the screaming, but not the crying. I haven’t been worried about the crying. I think that’s something she’ll learn with practice. Since the mild reprimand is effective, I don’t see a need for additional action at this time. Of course, I’ll reevaluate as she get older.

Popularity: 23% [?]

Popularity: 23% [?]

12February2008

Motives for Asking Children to Obey

Posted by Michelle under: Introspection; Obedience.

We’ve been talking about Philippians 4:13 off and on at our house. Today I noticed that in addition to helping them to remember that God will help them do right, this verse also causes me to think about my actions in asking them to obey.

Will God help them do anything their parents ask them to do? What if their parents ask them to do something beyond their ability? What if they selfishly ask them to obey for selfish reasons? What if they ask their children to sin?

The answers aren’t important to me right now. I know God’s grace is sufficient, but these thoughts are sobering to me. I want to make sure that when I ask my children to obey, I’m asking for the right reasons. It’s a big responsibility, to be entrusted with children, who are helpless and weak. No wonder Jesus said what he did about children.

At the same time came the disciples unto Jesus, saying, Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven? And Jesus called a little child unto him, and set him in the midst of them, And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.

Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me. But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.

Mark 18:1-6

Popularity: 25% [?]

Popularity: 25% [?]

11February2008

Parenting from the Couch

Posted by Michelle under: Obedience.

Lately, I’ve noticed my middle child struggling with obedience. Her tendency is to respond to a command by bursting into tears and saying I don’t want to… I need help… I can’t… and so on. I’ve been trying to teach her how to respond to her emotions. One way is to teach her how to appeal: May I finish my coloring page? instead of I don’t want to! or Let me finish this coloring page.

Today she was having hard time obeying.

Among other actions I took, was to talk about Philippians 4:13 (I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me). I had her repeat it after me a few words at a time (and she did it! This is progress.) We prayed and asked God to help her obey cheerfully. We talked about thinking “I can, through Christ” instead of “I can’t” Then I sent her to obey.

Alas, she became mired again. When I pointed out that she was getting distracted, and that she must obey, she burst into tears again. “I can’t” We said the verse again.

Eventually the task was completed. I wasn’t feeling like we had made much progress.

Two thoughts:

• I had been reading on the couch. In retrospect, I should have gotten off the couch right away and sat next to her while she obeyed. I think it would have made a difference in her motivation (think of mom as coach and not antagonist). You would think I would know better, and I do. But I don’t always do what I know is best.
• Several hours later, my son said, I can say that whole verse. and proceeded to do so. This got me thinking again about indirect teaching. Is this the way he learns best? Is that a good thing or a challenge to work on? I don’t know, so I’m praying for wisdom.

Popularity: 19% [?]

Popularity: 19% [?]