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Wipe that Frown

  • Posted on January 25, 2010 at 9:30 am

I’ve noticed that my three ear old has developed a rather impressive poochie lip when she’s unhappy. She curls her upper lip until she nearly blocks off her nostrils, all to show mom that she is not pleased with whatever situation God has given her.

I sense the need to intervene. I could ignore the behavior, since I’m certain she’s doing it for a reaction. Because she’s also building a response to whatever is displeasing her, I suspect that ignoring her will only cause her to escalate her expression of displeasure. Plus, I realize that God has given me a clear view of what is going on in her mind. She’s not merely saying “I don’t like this” by her poochie lip; she’s responding disrespectfully to a legitimate command. I have noticed that ignoring disrespect doesn’t seem to extinguish it. Thus, I’ve chosen to address the poochie lip.

First, the problem is not that she’s making faces. We often make silly faces, and those don’t get her in trouble. For some reason, though, I want to correct her for the face– Stop making that face! Smile and say “Yes, Ma’am”! Don’t frown when mommy tells you to go to bed!

The trouble is, I know quite well wiping a frown off does nothing for the rebellious thoughts inside her beautiful head. Focusing exclusively on the externals when I correct her only teaches her to hide her rebellion more carefully. Instead, I’ve been trying to get her to change her thoughts. I’ve said, “Change your thinking. Your face is showing me that you are not thinking right thoughts.” Then we might discuss why the thinking is wrong. Sometimes I talk about thankfulness; sometimes about selfishness. Sometimes, I just leave it at that. (Sometimes I’ve told her to wipe the frown off!)

I’ve been interested to note that she is learning that there is a connection between her thoughts and her countenance. Now she twitches her face out of a frown, and tries to make a happy face while she continues her negative thinking. That’s okay. At this point, what is most important to me is that she understands

  1. the inside is more important,
  2. when the inside is right, the outside will be right, and
  3. I must respond politely to mom, even if I don’t like it.

What do you say to help your children change what they are thinking?

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Not What You Say, but How You Say It

  • Posted on July 2, 2009 at 10:01 am

File this in “Things I never thought about before I had children.”

As an earring of gold, and an ornament of fine gold, so is a wise reprover upon an obedient ear. Proverbs 25:12

  • God cares HOW I correct and instruct my children.
  • I am not a wise reprover by default.
  • There is a relationship between a wise reprover and an obedient child.
  • I suspect even the most obedient child will have difficulty responding to an unwise reprover.
  • I suspect even the most difficult child will respond better to a wise reprover.

Guess I know what I need to pray about today.

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Sophisticated Disobedience

  • Posted on June 9, 2009 at 10:05 am

The kids were cleaning their rooms. Neither room was a disaster, so realistically it shouldn’t have taken too long for them to be cleaned.  Normally, the girls need constant supervision until the room is nearly clean. David usually turns on the music in his room and finishes first, without any help.

But today, he was emotional. He wanted Laurel to help him (something she sometimes does, and enjoys), and I had told her that she had to make her bed first. Several times I reminded him to get to work. When I came in to see how David was doing, he was sprawled on the floor, obviously moping.

What David, and Bethel as well, need to understand, is that disobedience isn’t just yelling no. We can rebel by lethargy and forgetfulness, too, even if we say we are going to obey. This is the passage I’m going to talk to David and Bethel about today while we’re driving to El Paso. I’m always wondering what questions to ask my children to teach, but Jesus already asked a good one that I’ll probably start with. I also want to see if they understand that the first son obeyed when he repented (i.e., repentance is a change of mind that results in a change of behavior).

“What do you think? A man had two sons. And he went to the first and said, ‘Son, go and work in the vineyard today.’ And he answered, ‘I will not,’ but afterward he changed his mind and went. And he went to the other son and said the same. And he answered, ‘I go, sir,’ but did not go. Which of the two did the will of his father?” They said, “The first.” Jesus said to them, “Truly, I say to you, the tax collectors and the prostitutes go into the kingdom of God before you. For John came to you in the way of righteousness, and you did not believe him, but the tax collectors and the prostitutes believed him. And even when you saw it, you did not afterward change your minds and believe him. Matthew 21:28-32

I’m interested that I started to write this post just thinking about how disobedience takes many forms. But in the process of thinking about it, I was reminded about this passage and decided to teach it to the kids. Once again, I’m demonstrated to myself that blogging is useful for me as I seek to teach my children God’s Word.

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Are You Happy?

  • Posted on April 17, 2009 at 11:35 am

I’ve forgotten to mention something we’ve talked about recently with our children at odd moments when talking about selfishness and anger. It’s a response that even Laurel (age 2) can understand.

“Are you happy right now?”

I’ve found that, unlike other probing questions I might try, this question they understand and know the answer for. Immediately. They know they’re unhappy.

Then I remind them that Jesus tells us when we do right and serve others, we will be happy. “That’s one reason you’re not happy right now,” I say.

What I’m doing is showing them that they’re not merely unhappy because they didn’t get their own way, they’re also unhappy because they’re not doing right. I want them to know that God’s way is better, even if it is sometimes hard.

Jesus knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he was come from God, and went to God; He riseth from supper, and laid aside his garments; and took a towel, and girded himself. After that he poureth water into a basin, and began to wash the disciples’ feet, and to wipe them with the towel wherewith he was girded.

So after he had washed their feet, and had taken his garments, and was set down again, he said unto them, Know ye what I have done to you? Ye call me Master and Lord: and ye say well; for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet; ye also ought to wash one another’s feet.

For I have given you an example, that ye should do as I have done to you. Verily, verily, I say unto you, The servant is not greater than his lord; neither he that is sent greater than he that sent him.

If ye know these things, happy are ye if ye do them. John 13:3-6; 12-17

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What’s Wrong with “I Forgot”

  • Posted on March 16, 2009 at 11:08 pm

But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man observing his natural face in a mirror; for he observes himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was. But he who looks into the perfect law of liberty and continues in it, and is not a forgetful hearer but a doer of the work, this one will be blessed in what he does. James 1:22-25

Several times recently I’ve heard “I forgot” from my children and I’ve been wanting to talk about the matter with them. There’s a great passage in Proverbs that I can’t remember at the moment that addresses the issue, but my children don’t understand it. All the while I’ve been wondering. Is forgetting a sin? If I “put off” forgetting, what I should “put on” (See Ephesians 4:22-24)? This week when I saw the James passage, I knew I had my answer.

The trouble was, I was convicted for myself, so I’ve not yet had that conversation with my children.

I forget too often. I forget to read my Bible. I forget to pray. I forget to make phone calls. I forget to do all the things I intended to do at church. I forget to repent.  I do all those things because they’re not important to me.

In my Bible reading, I’ve been paying attention to how often the Bible tells us to remember and how often it tells us not to forget.  Now I need to go to sleep, on purpose. Maybe tomorrow we’ll have that conversation.

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Using Authority

  • Posted on February 23, 2009 at 5:00 am

In my mom’s new book Glimpses of God, she points out how often God gives a command and then says, I am the Lord. In essence, he’s affirming his authority and right to give a command. I thought about this as I work on obedience with my children. It’s helpful to reinforce the authority structure when I give a command.

Perhaps they need reminders just like the children of Israel.

I’m still going to bed late, which is why I’ll sign off and come again tomorrow. I’ll do my best to share this week what God is teaching me.

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Obedience, Again and Again

  • Posted on January 13, 2009 at 10:01 am

It’s not just because Lee is gone, because I noticed before he left, that all three children need some attention in the obedience category. This is something I’m praying that the Lord will help me work on in the next few weeks and months.

Now, some parents believe if I were a perfect parent and 100% consistent, my children would be 100% obedient. We know better that this. It is not unreasonable to suggest that parents who work on obedience faithfully will have children who are noticeably more obedient than children whose parents don’t care. At the same time, children have souls and wills and a robust sin nature that make obedience a continually needed lesson.

Sometimes if I have unrealistic expectations, I get discouraged. I really once thought that I could turn the page on obedience lessons if I were a good parent. As I learn that obedience is a  lesson we learn throughout our lives, I am strengthened not to grow weary in well doing.

And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not. Gal 6:9

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Waiting with Joyfulness

  • Posted on January 9, 2009 at 12:51 pm

This morning I was expecting a phone call. Lee is about fourteen hours ahead of me, so last I had heard he had a full day with nothing scheduled. Surely he would have sent an email or been able to call. As the morning passed, I sat by the computer in case he might call. I didn’t get the things done that I needed to. I did sit and read my Bible, so God was helping me even as I was impatiently waiting.

I asked a friend to pray with me. As she did, I was reminded that waiting is serving, too, and I remembered this poem by Milton, speaking of his blindness:

WHEN I consider how my light is spent
E’re half my days, in this dark world and wide,
And that one Talent which is death to hide,
Lodg’d with me useless, though my Soul more bent
To serve therewith my Maker, and present 5
My true account, least he returning chide,
Doth God exact day-labour, light deny’d,
I fondly ask; But patience to prevent
That murmur, soon replies, God doth not need
Either man’s work or his own gifts, who best 10
Bear his milde yoak, they serve him best, his State
Is Kingly. Thousands at his bidding speed
And post o’re Land and Ocean without rest:
They also serve who only stand and waite.

Then I remembered that I must serve the Lord with gladness, which means I must wait with gladness, too. And Lee called. He arrived safe at his duty station and is going to sleep, because he has a busy day ahead of him.Next time, perhaps I’ll do a better job trusting the Lord and cheerfully waiting.

And yes, we talked about cheerfully waiting at breakfast. It’s a good lesson for children, too.

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After I’ve Been Impatient

  • Posted on December 10, 2008 at 5:00 am

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But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.  And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. Galatians 5:22-25

Earlier I mentioned that God’s been working in my heart about patience. One day of meditation hasn’t been enough, though!

  • God has helped me to be more aware of when I’m impatient.
  • I still need more work on asking God forgiveness when I’m not patient. If I’m not patient, I’m not walking in the Spirit. If I’m not asking God’s forgiveness, then I’m not taking seriously my sin.
  • I discovered that one way I can stop being impatient is to followup my impatience with patient words. For example, I might say “Hurry up. We’re all waiting for you” to one of my dear children. Now, encouraging a child to think of others isn’t the problem. The problem is that I’m not thinking of her sanctification, but my inconvenience at holding the door open.  I’ve discovered that instead of chalking up the conversation as another failure, I can redeem it by expressing myself in a more Christ-honoring manner. Sometimes I’ve explained my reasons for concern. Sometimes I’ve asked forgiveness for being impatient. Sometimes I’ve just added something pleasant to the conversation. I think this is a good response.

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Hurray for those who are brave enough to share how God’s Word is changing their lives, one decision at a time. Anyone else want to join in? Don’t forget to leave a comment telling us.

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Advance Warning of Consequences

  • Posted on September 17, 2008 at 1:18 pm

I’m familiar with the story of Nebuchadnezzar and how God allowed him to live like an animal because of his pride. What I didn’t know or had forgotten or had missed the significance of is that God gave him advance warning. Look at Daniel 4:24-27. Nebuchadnezzar dreamed a scary dream, and finally asked Daniel what the dream meant. Daniel (who had been renamed Belteshazzar) answered him:

This is the interpretation, O king: It is a decree of the Most High, which has come upon my lord the king, that you shall be driven from among men, and your dwelling shall be with the beasts of the field. You shall be made to eat grass like an ox, and you shall be wet with the dew of heaven, and seven periods of time shall pass over you, till you know that the Most High rules the kingdom of men and gives it to whom he will. And as it was commanded to leave the stump of the roots of the tree, your kingdom shall be confirmed for you from the time that you know that Heaven rules. Therefore, O king, let my counsel be acceptable to you: break off your sins by practicing righteousness, and your iniquities by showing mercy to the oppressed, that there may perhaps be a lengthening of your prosperity.”

Twelve months later, Nebuchadnezzar still hadn’t taken action. And, he suffered the consequences.

I’m thinking on this because of my kids: it’s not a problem to tell my daughter that if she does not obey, she will receive a spanking. There’s a current of understanding that would criticize any warning, even during times of instruction (like for my toddler who is still learning that obedience is not optional). It’s a helpful reminder that warnings are a part of how God parents us.

I’m also thinking on this because of me. There are things that I know are right, but for some reason or another I avoid taking serious action about it. Cindy mentions that learning about diabetes a year ago gave her the impetus for changing some things about her lifestyle. Sometimes we need those external motivators, but I don’t think any of us would deny that it would be better to heed the warnings before we deal with the consequences.

Something as simple as Deuteronomy 6 fits here. I know that God tells me his word should be in my heart, before I teach my children. But do I live as though that is truth? Sometimes, I act no different than a nice unsaved mom who loves her children. My children are young. They’re not even saved yet, and we can’t carry on lengthy conversations about the Bible. There’s time to obey God’s Word.

I wonder if that’s what Nebuchadnezzar thought.

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