I’ve been talking with my children lately about the relationship between trust and obedience. These are not long conversations. In fact, they are short, but seem to be coming frequently enough that I hope I’m not nagging. I’m realizing how often a failure to obey in one child is a result of a lack of trust. I see evidence in a lack of trust in how they obey, too. Innocent asking for clarification is sometimes a child evaluating for himself whether the command was appropriate. The other day, David was bothered that I allowed the sisters to make cookies without him. I had my reasons, but to explain them would have been inappropriate. The next morning, when I asked him to make the second batch, I asked him if he now understood one reason I wasn’t worried about equality. He got it. I think now, after discussing the relationship between trust and obedience, I simply use the word trust, and it carries the meaning I want. Will you trust me? instead of Will you obey me? I won’t always use this phrase, but right now it’s a good reminder for us.

Then comes introspection. Should I be asking for that trust? In any case, I need to be aware in how I hold the trust that is certainly and naturally given. Am I using my children as servants simply for my own comfort and ease? (e.g., Honey, please stop you game and get me my phone as I sit here on the couch checking Facebook.) Am I faithful to be satisfied with the responsibilities I have given, or do I add jobs on as they work harder? Am I capricious in my consequences? Am I teaching them that obedience is not simply trusting a parent, because parents fail, in spite of our best intentions? Obedience is ultimately trusting God. (A faithful teacher years ago made that same observation regarding submitting to a husband.) Do I have a track record of having reasons for saying no, or is no my default answer? Do I answer too quickly when a request is made, and need to change my answer when I’ve thought more about it?

It follows to ask myself, how do I trust God? Many of the obedience challenges I’ve had comprise a multitude of choices over a period of time. I’m happy to obey at the beginning of a new situation or challenge, but as time goes on, it can sometimes be harder to trust and obey.  I should think on his for awhile, in the quiet of the morning that God gave me.

I am working on teaching my children to trust and obey, but I’m also praying that God would help me to be a trustworthy parent, to obey him faithfully.Similar Posts:

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However, I realized recently that I’ve not been careful regarding the red couch.

Now, growing up, my mom let my brother and me play with the couch cushions. We had a lot of fun playing on them. In Lee’s house, he wasn’t allowed to play with couch cushions growing up. It doesn’t surprise you then to know that it wouldn’t bother me at all for the children to slide across the living room floor on a couch cushion, and that Lee isn’t keen on that idea. As our children have been getting more boisterous with couch, I finally realized that Lee’s concern was justified all along, and I was not right to ignore his wishes regardless. Furthermore, because I wasn’t stopping the children during the daytime, I was encouraging them to ignore and disrespect their dad. That’s not good, is it?

So I’ve been working on this. I have told them that I wasn’t doing right by letting them play on and with the couch, and asked their forgiveness for setting a bad example. Maybe I need to simply bring down the beanbag that they’re allowed to play on.

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Trouble was, I was later that day in my kitchen, needing to clean something yucky, and thinking, “I don’t really want to do this.” Then I thought of Jesus praying in the Garden of Gethsemane, saying, “Not my will, but thine.”

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Setting: The house

Characters: Mom, Three darling children

Conflict: Children all want to understand WHY before they obey, not after.

Crisis: One child disobeying because he didn’t understand why.

Denouement [i.e., resolution]:

I explained that Job in the Bible didn’t understand what God was doing in his life, either. He thought that God was punishing him, and he was downright frustrated because he had no idea why.

My David was intrigued by this conflict. I asked him if he wanted to know how God answered him when He demanded that God tell him why he was doing what he was doing.

David assented, and I read most of Job 38, and some of 39. I read especially the questions that I knew he would be interested in, particularly the bird imagery.

God asked Job if he understood why God made some animals smart, and others dumb. Some birds take care of their young better than others. God decided. He wasn’t punishing the dumb animals and especially pleased with the smart ones. David knows birds, so the bird imagery  made a lot of sense to him.

“Does the hawk fly by your wisdom,
And spread its wings toward the south?

²⁷ Does the eagle mount up at your command,
And make its nest on high?

²⁸ On the rock it dwells and resides,
On the crag of the rock and the stronghold.

²⁹ From there it spies out the prey;
Its eyes observe from afar.

³⁰ Its young ones suck up blood;
And where the slain are, there it is.”

I asked David if God ever answered Job’s questions about why he was suffering. Of course, we know the answer is no. But God did correct Job’s theology. He helped him understand that God is God. He is the only one who makes life work, and we can trust him.

Likewise, God has given parents authority over their children, with specific commands not to abuse that authority. Children do not have to understand everything to obey.

Then I pointed out that God OFTEN explains why do does certain things. God wants us to understand how life works, and we can learn many things from the Bible that help us understand why. The Bereans were praised highly because they wanted to understand better what the apostle Paul was teaching them. Godly moms and dads likewise want to explain why they do what they do. They should have good reasons for their actions, and knowing them helps children as they become adults. Parents are not perfect, and they won’t always be right, but Job’s example teaches us that demanding why before we submit is not the right response when we don’t understand.

David has referred to this discussion twice since then. For some reason it penetrated into his heart. That’s a good thing. Now, may it penetrate into my heart, too! It is sobering to feel the weight of responsibility to use my authority wisely and lovingly.

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It’s worked out well. They’re very careful, most of the ornaments that they want to point at and enjoy are ones that are meaningful to them, and for the most part they aren’t breakable. Until this morning.

I had just reminded them of our rule. Do not remove the ornaments.

The next time I looked over [not five minutes later!], both David and Bethel had removed an ornament and were in the process of putting it in a new place.

I asked them what they were doing. Bethel explained that her ornament was stuck and needed fixing. David explained that his ornament was crooked and he was straightening it.

At that moment, I realized God had answered my prayer for ways to describe their actions biblically. How can I describe their disobedience biblically? They were leaning on their own understanding.

We do it, too. We disobey when we think we have a reason not to.

So I explained that they were obviously not intending to be rebellious. They had good reasons for disobeying.

I asked them, Were you deceived that your reason was better than obedience? They answered in the affirmative. I want them to understand that we often rebel with good intentions, because our hearts are prone to self-deception. I want them to know what it looks like to lean on their own understanding, and what it looks like to trust in God and obey. This is an important part of teaching them God’s Word.

Maybe tomorrow we’ll talk about King Saul.

How are you using Scripture to teach your children today? Pray with me, that God will show us ways we can use the things that happen to us every day to teach our children His Word. Rejoice with me, that God is answering our prayers as He said he would!Similar Posts:

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It’s been getting a honest workout at our house these days.

I feel strongly that our actions as parents need to be purposeful, that we do need to consider why we do what we do. I also feel strongly that these reasons should be shared, as appropriate, with children.

However, I do not think that children have the right for reasons on demand, before obedience. So I’ve been working to help my children understand that they need to be obedient before they ask why. I’ve also told my children more than once that I may not explain why sometimes. The desire to know why (curiosity) must be tempered by the Holy Spirit.

Here’s an example that happened last week. I asked one child to bring me a bag of batteries that had been left on our dining room table. Knowing that I was looking for a particular kind, that child announced that they were not to be found in the bag, and left the bag on the table!

Now it just so happened that I knew the batteries I wanted were not in the bag, that I wanted to put the batteries away, and that I was searching for the correct batteries in a different place. I simply hadn’t shared those reasons with my children.

I’ve also noticed that one of my children quizzes me after I give a motherly command. It looks almost like a desire for clarification, but I’m realizing it’s actually an evaluation of the request. In response to the attitude that one must understand or agree with mom before obeying, I’ve been refusing to give reasons for my actions.

Questions I’ve asked:

• Do you believe that mom was requesting you to sin, or was sinful in any way? [answer has always been no, so far]
• If mom asked you to do something sinful, what should you do? [answer is mostly shrugs, up to this point]
• If mom asked you to do something, and you had a better way that was different, what should you do? [I was surprised that the answer was, "do it the better way."]

What’s interesting about this last answer is that my first reaction is to make sure my children understand how to appeal. I hate the thought of stifling my children, refusing to hear the ideas flowing from their little innovative, intelligent brains.  [Type A mothers, please stifle your coughs! Sometimes I'm slow to understand things.]

As I think about my reaction, though, I remember that my children know how to appeal. I’ve taught them this. The problem isn’t that they have a better idea, but that they are resisting authority.

I don’t want them to be blindly obedient, without thought. Only God has absolute authority, not humans.

On the other hand, I also don’t want them to be constantly demanding to know everything before following orders. That’s a recipe for chaos in the military, within a family structure, and in God’s kingdom.

Maybe I want some middle ground? Seems we always come back to wisdom.

And right now, I sense that my children need more instruction in the “submit to authority” side of the scale.That’s why for the time being at least, you may hear at our house

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David commented that he thought maybe she should have obeyed her father. He was surprised when I disagreed with him.

Here is what I said, “When an authority tells us to disobey God, then we should disobey the authority.”

I don’t think the children really understood that I hadn’t answered the specific situation. In the story, Pocahontas simply knew about the plan. She wasn’t asked to DO anything. She merely had the ability to stop the massacre. But even in our secular culture we recognize the responsibility a bystander holds in a crime.

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I sense the need to intervene. I could ignore the behavior, since I’m certain she’s doing it for a reaction. Because she’s also building a response to whatever is displeasing her, I suspect that ignoring her will only cause her to escalate her expression of displeasure. Plus, I realize that God has given me a clear view of what is going on in her mind. She’s not merely saying “I don’t like this” by her poochie lip; she’s responding disrespectfully to a legitimate command. I have noticed that ignoring disrespect doesn’t seem to extinguish it. Thus, I’ve chosen to address the poochie lip.

First, the problem is not that she’s making faces. We often make silly faces, and those don’t get her in trouble. For some reason, though, I want to correct her for the face– Stop making that face! Smile and say “Yes, Ma’am”! Don’t frown when mommy tells you to go to bed!

The trouble is, I know quite well wiping a frown off does nothing for the rebellious thoughts inside her beautiful head. Focusing exclusively on the externals when I correct her only teaches her to hide her rebellion more carefully. Instead, I’ve been trying to get her to change her thoughts. I’ve said, “Change your thinking. Your face is showing me that you are not thinking right thoughts.” Then we might discuss why the thinking is wrong. Sometimes I talk about thankfulness; sometimes about selfishness. Sometimes, I just leave it at that. (Sometimes I’ve told her to wipe the frown off!)

I’ve been interested to note that she is learning that there is a connection between her thoughts and her countenance. Now she twitches her face out of a frown, and tries to make a happy face while she continues her negative thinking. That’s okay. At this point, what is most important to me is that she understands

1. the inside is more important,
2. when the inside is right, the outside will be right, and
3. I must respond politely to mom, even if I don’t like it.

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As an earring of gold, and an ornament of fine gold, so is a wise reprover upon an obedient ear. Proverbs 25:12

• God cares HOW I correct and instruct my children.
• I am not a wise reprover by default.
• There is a relationship between a wise reprover and an obedient child.
• I suspect even the most obedient child will have difficulty responding to an unwise reprover.
• I suspect even the most difficult child will respond better to a wise reprover.

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But today, he was emotional. He wanted Laurel to help him (something she sometimes does, and enjoys), and I had told her that she had to make her bed first. Several times I reminded him to get to work. When I came in to see how David was doing, he was sprawled on the floor, obviously moping.

What David, and Bethel as well, need to understand, is that disobedience isn’t just yelling no. We can rebel by lethargy and forgetfulness, too, even if we say we are going to obey. This is the passage I’m going to talk to David and Bethel about today while we’re driving to El Paso. I’m always wondering what questions to ask my children to teach, but Jesus already asked a good one that I’ll probably start with. I also want to see if they understand that the first son obeyed when he repented (i.e., repentance is a change of mind that results in a change of behavior).

“What do you think? A man had two sons. And he went to the first and said, ‘Son, go and work in the vineyard today.’ And he answered, ‘I will not,’ but afterward he changed his mind and went. And he went to the other son and said the same. And he answered, ‘I go, sir,’ but did not go. Which of the two did the will of his father?” They said, “The first.” Jesus said to them, “Truly, I say to you, the tax collectors and the prostitutes go into the kingdom of God before you. For John came to you in the way of righteousness, and you did not believe him, but the tax collectors and the prostitutes believed him. And even when you saw it, you did not afterward change your minds and believe him. Matthew 21:28-32

I’m interested that I started to write this post just thinking about how disobedience takes many forms. But in the process of thinking about it, I was reminded about this passage and decided to teach it to the kids. Once again, I’m demonstrated to myself that blogging is useful for me as I seek to teach my children God’s Word.
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