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Wipe that Frown

  • Posted on January 25, 2010 at 9:30 am

I’ve noticed that my three ear old has developed a rather impressive poochie lip when she’s unhappy. She curls her upper lip until she nearly blocks off her nostrils, all to show mom that she is not pleased with whatever situation God has given her.

I sense the need to intervene. I could ignore the behavior, since I’m certain she’s doing it for a reaction. Because she’s also building a response to whatever is displeasing her, I suspect that ignoring her will only cause her to escalate her expression of displeasure. Plus, I realize that God has given me a clear view of what is going on in her mind. She’s not merely saying “I don’t like this” by her poochie lip; she’s responding disrespectfully to a legitimate command. I have noticed that ignoring disrespect doesn’t seem to extinguish it. Thus, I’ve chosen to address the poochie lip.

First, the problem is not that she’s making faces. We often make silly faces, and those don’t get her in trouble. For some reason, though, I want to correct her for the face– Stop making that face! Smile and say “Yes, Ma’am”! Don’t frown when mommy tells you to go to bed!

The trouble is, I know quite well wiping a frown off does nothing for the rebellious thoughts inside her beautiful head. Focusing exclusively on the externals when I correct her only teaches her to hide her rebellion more carefully. Instead, I’ve been trying to get her to change her thoughts. I’ve said, “Change your thinking. Your face is showing me that you are not thinking right thoughts.” Then we might discuss why the thinking is wrong. Sometimes I talk about thankfulness; sometimes about selfishness. Sometimes, I just leave it at that. (Sometimes I’ve told her to wipe the frown off!)

I’ve been interested to note that she is learning that there is a connection between her thoughts and her countenance. Now she twitches her face out of a frown, and tries to make a happy face while she continues her negative thinking. That’s okay. At this point, what is most important to me is that she understands

  1. the inside is more important,
  2. when the inside is right, the outside will be right, and
  3. I must respond politely to mom, even if I don’t like it.

What do you say to help your children change what they are thinking?

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The Benefits of “Automatic” Fruit

  • Posted on January 11, 2010 at 10:28 am

We’re thinking about the paradox of requiring unregenerate children to demonstrate fruit of the spirit.

Let’s consider the fruit of the spirit:

Love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, faith, meekness, self-control

I regularly require my unregenerate children to be patient: we have younger children who come visit, and I require my own children to be patient when guests want to play with the best toys. Waiting is especially hard for the little ones. I require them to be kind to their siblings when one says “please stop.” I require them to have self control when they are hungry and I tell them to wait until after we have prayed to eat. I don’t know that I “require” some of the other fruit like faith or meekness, but I see embryonic evidence of something resembling those things.

It’s helpful to note that these qualities are present in good unsaved homes, to some degree. Most parents, even in unsaved ones, want their children to be kind and loving to their siblings. They want a house of love and joy. These qualities can also be evidenced to some degree in our own lives when we are not consciously following Christ or walking in the spirit. Some adults have developed habits of self-control and patience by nature of their training or personality, and give no thought to Christ in exercising these qualities.

This is one of the blessings of being reared in a Christian home. Certainly, it allows for the possibility of Pharisaic actions, but that doesn’t mean we are destined to be Pharisees. Having the externals established as habit allows us to spend greater attention on our hearts. In some ways I am reminded of a smart person who gets As on a test in school; the A shows he knows the material, but it might not reveal any meritorious character on his part.

The danger is that we start to think that those blessings of habitual character strengths are personal merit badges. I think that danger is true for our children as well. In their case, there is a danger that they equate those merit badges with evidence of salvation. Why, then, do we require the fruit of the spirit in children who don’t have the Holy Spirit?

First, as Laura said in the comment section, we require some things just for order and pleasantness. In our family, we are kind to each other. Period. If an unsaved adult were a guest in my home, and began to berate me or my children, I would ask them to stop or leave. These are common courtesies, enabled by the common grace of God (that is, available to all people, regardless of their spiritual status)

Second, we require these things in faith ourselves, expecting that God will save our children in the future (I’m not positive we have a guarantee of this, but I do think it should be our expectation until we know for certain otherwise). I know that when God saves my children, it will be good for them to have developed habits of meekness (as evidenced by obedience, for example) and joy.

Tomorrow we’ll think about this some more.

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Unregenerate Children in Limbo

  • Posted on January 8, 2010 at 12:04 am

I happened upon an article at DesiringGod.org called “Why require unregenerate children to be good?” This is a good topic for discussion, and I thought the answer was substantive.

I regularly feel the tension of responding to my children who do not make a profession of faith. I tell them to display the fruit of the spirit: love joy peace… patience, and so on. But my theology says that unsaved children don’t have genuine fruit of the spirit, any more than an unsaved adult. Thus, it does feel like I’m inducing my children to be hypocrites when they follow the motions of Christianity without testimony or evidence of regeneration. Or does it?

I do believe it is good and right to require unregenerate children to be good, but that does give me more questions. Those we’ll have to consider another day.

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Teaching the Fear of God

  • Posted on November 16, 2009 at 10:04 am

In Psalm 34, David says, “Listen to me, my children, and I will teach you the fear of the Lord.” My husband several weeks ago pointed out this verse, and it’s been burning a hole in my head since then. How do I teach it? What do I say?

Perhaps if you’re like me, you might have assumed that the fear of the Lord is merely an emotion that is caught, not taught. I think this is why the questions have persisted with a measure of delight in a new thought: fear of God is something to teach deliberately, and it’s something that will benefit a child who is not saved.

Solomon says “By mercy and truth iniquity is purged: and by the fear of the LORD men depart from evil.” If the fear of the Lord is indeed foundational to understanding salvation, then it is an ideal lesson for children who are not saved, or who do not yet evidence the fruit of the spirit in their lives.

So, O wise parent that you are, how do you teach the fear of the Lord? Do you try to scare them? Show them how big God is? What passages would you read to them? And how do you know that they have the fear of the Lord?

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Teaching Little Ones to Share

  • Posted on October 9, 2009 at 8:33 am

I had a friend think through with me the process of teaching a young child to share, and addressing the biblical concepts of covetousness and giving. It was encouraging, because I realized that I have seen a lot of growth in this area from my children. The discussion was also challenging, because it reminded me how important it is to look at a problem from a biblical perspective.

If you look at Psalm 78, the things we’re told to teach our children are all positive. It’s not that the negative isn’t important, but we often forget how important it is to discuss the “good” side.

  • First, consider how you can model a giving spirit to someone else, whether it’s a new mom, your husband, a friend, or so on. Then explain to your daughter why you’re doing what you’re doing. You can explain how God is teaching you to share, even when it’s hard. Tell her what Scriptures are a help to you.
  • Praise giving and sharing in others. When a nice person at the store takes back your cart for you, talk about how wonderful it is that someone would take the time to show God’s love to us (doesn’t matter if they’re saved or not. I assume they are, at this young age!) Talk about a friend who is giving, and explain that you like being around this person because they show you how to be unselfish and giving…. and so on.
  • Praise it in your children. When she is unselfish, point it out. :) Point out that it is God’s grace that helped her to do right (“I am thankful for God’s grace that helped you to share just now” not necessarily “you’re such an unselfish girl. look at how good you are….” )
  • Help walk her through the process of sharing, even if she’s not happy about it. Acknowledge that sometimes it’s hard to be giving when it costs us something. I often refrain from forcing giving, because then the rule of law is peace at any cost, and that’s trading one problem for another.
  • Before they can learn about sharing, they have to learn the laws of possessions. Baby cannot grab something simply because she wants it. “Share” isn’t a magical word that forces everyone else to be godly and me to be selfish. I have no problem with the “who had it first” question, especially when dealing with toddlers. It’s not the only question, but it does help me to identify who is instigating the problem at the moment before I deal with the heart issues. Otherwise, I’m answering a matter before I’ve heard it.
  • In little ones, sharing is hard, so I teach it in steps. I teach little ones to ask “Can I play with it when you are done?” and I never let the older ones say no. I do occasionally force the older one to give up a toy after they’ve played with it for awhile. In the adult world, it’s actually rude to demand someone hand over something immediately after they pick it up (like a magazine, or a card, or some other object). As my children get older, I’ve dealt more with the “You’re holding on to that toy simply because you want to annoy your sister” and other more sophisticated motivations.
  • When it is appropriate for your children to learn to share mommy or take turns with a toy, expect that learning to deny our flesh isn’t easy. I have said many times “You must share mommy. I am David’s [etc] mommy too.” Expect tears. We adults have a hard time learning this lesson, so it shouldn’t surprise us that our children will too. As they get older, and as they have lots of practice, it will be easier for them to share mommy. Act first, explain after. (I see a lot of parents who try to convince the child that this is a good thing, deal with the heart, etc., in hopes that they can avoid the tears and do what needs to be done. Instead, I like to act first, and then teach, and don’t be afraid of tears.
  • Finally, do not expect your unsaved child to act like a saved one. This is a significant difference I have with Tedd Trip and others who hold a covenant theology. They treat a covenant child (i.e., one who is reared in a Christian home) as essentially redeemed, whether or not he has made a profession of faith. I disagree with this approach, because I really don’t think it reflects Scripture. Yes, we address the heart and tell our children what is expected of God’s children. We call them to obedience and give consequences when they don’t. But we either believe in total depravity or we don’t. The depravity of our children should not surprise us, whether their actions or motivations.
  • I’m not opposed to identical toys (other than the lack of room, which can limit you) with young siblings, especially ones close in age. I’m not obsessive about it, but I have found that it makes playtime more fun when the littlest ones can play side by side. I have enough things that can’t be shared, so I’m basically trying to keep manageable the times when I am teaching sharing. :) As the kids have gotten older, they don’t seem to care as much (although I still like to get two or three of the same thing so they can play together)

Can I say that I’ve never seen anything like this reflected in a preschool setting? For our family, home was the best preschool! That’s all for now. Off to get my chores done before music class!

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Teaching How to Tease

  • Posted on September 29, 2009 at 8:25 am

I’m at a disadvantage with dealing with teasing, since if I had my druthers, I’d get rid of most teasing, sarcasm, and general goofiness. Go ahead and stare; I realize it’s a little extreme. ????? ????? ????????????? ?????????

With that admission, I have been aware that my oldest son has been bit by the teasing bug. I’m absolutely positive that he picked this up from somebody else’s children. He now teases his sisters, he teases girls who come over to play. He rarely teases his mother. This last fact is worth thinking about.

What should I do? Because not all teasing is wrong, forbidding all levity is not an option. I can see some evidence of good teasing in the Bible. More on this another time.

I can also see evidence of bad teasing in the Bible. There’s a danger of too much joking— Solomon who warns that it is better to be in the house of mourning than the house of mirth. Why? Because humor can deaden sober thinking. It’s not what humor is; it’s what it can do.

We see that humor can be used to deceive and hurt. Solomon compares a man who does so to a madman who throws fire arrows of death.

We are warned against coarse joking, and in our day most sitcoms fit in this category. Laurel and I had a serious conversation in the bathroom the other day talking about why we can say poop and pee in the bathroom, but not in the van with her siblings as a topic of humor. Sexual innuendo is also a problem biblically. Thankfully, this is not a problem in our house.

It’s obvious that motives and effects are significant when thinking through humor. With David, the first lesson we want him to learn is, “If both people are not having fun, then it’s not good teasing.” That lesson is not as easily learned as I might like.

We’ve added a few lessons:

  • Don’t tease someone who has scissors in his hands. (Lee learned this one a long time ago as “Don’t tease a wife who has something hot. Ever.”)
  • Teasing can start out enjoyable, but then not be enjoyable. Stop teasing when the other person doesn’t like it. (As he gets older, we’ll have to teach him that it’s not always easy to tell when people are unhappy with teasing.)
  • “Please stop” is the sacred command. It is to be honored immediately and consistently. There’s no confusion that maybe the person is really enjoying the teasing and doesn’t want it stopped. This rule holds for adults and children.
  • Don’t tease at mealtimes. (we might let up on this at some point, but right now it’s necessary!)
  • Don’t tease when you’re angry.
  • Don’t tease when you’re feeling left out.

I’m sure we’ll have more. Any thoughts or Scriptures that you teach when you’re talking about teasing?

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Beethoven’s Wig and Pride

  • Posted on September 1, 2009 at 9:35 am

This is a post I half wrote for Wisdom Wednesday last week. Hopefully this week will be a twofer.

I’m asking myself, How Is Scripture Changing Me today? I’m still rereading Psalm 119. This chapter more than any other resets my thinking (i.e., renews my mind) as it pertains to my attitude toward God’s Word. This has been good for me in reminding me what is really important in life for my children and me.

Yesterday, I did have an opportunity to talk about Scripture with David.

We’ve been listening to a CD called Beethoven’s Wig, where some clever people wrote funny words to go with classical music selections. We’ve been listening to it multiple times in a day, for the last few weeks. Bethel is getting tired of it, and asked the other morning if we could listen to another CD.

As the first song started playing, I realized that David was crying in a small chair in the corner of the living room. I thought maybe someone had thrown a shoe at him, called him sisified percy or something else life threatening, but no, he was crying because he wanted to listen to Beethoven’s Wig [is very big].  ”Wheels on the Bus is baby music,” he wailed. Truthfully, he response shocked me. It’s not like he was tired. He hadn’t even asked to listen to Beethoven’s Wig.

I sat him down and asked him whether he thought I might be tired of Beethoven’s Wig and whether Wheels on the Bus was my favorite music. No answer, so I pushed him a little. “Do you think mommy might like different music too?” He nodded. I had him get my Bible and told him I was going to show him why I listen to Beethoven’s Wig and Wheels on the Bus. I think he was interested.

I read Philippians 2.

Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. 4 Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. Philippians 2:2-4

The conversation ended and life went on. Children played. We listened to Wheels on the Bus and Beethoven’s Wig one more time.

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Pride and Sippee Cups

  • Posted on August 23, 2009 at 11:10 pm

When Laurel turned two, in a fit of self-righteousness, I threw away an odd assortment of  sippee cups. The children really didn’t need them. Besides, I’ve always held that children who never drink out of regular cups never learn how to drink out of regular cups. So we primarily used some wide-bottomed juice glasses for their drinks. They got their juice, and I felt like an enlightened mother, especially when I saw school-aged children toting those cups at restaurants and at the park. Shocking, isn’t it?

I can see the Type A mothers smiling, because they’d much rather have a child with a sippee cup than spilled milk or broken glass, right? Well, in case you were doubting, I am not a Type A mother. I do not cry over spilled milk.

But I do have pride in my life.

My girls have been asking for new sippee cups for about six months. I’ve been resisting, Scot that I am, to spend money when they obviously had no need for sippee cups. (Haven’t they been using regular cups with only ocassional spills?) Actually, it was pride, not stewardship. Last week I finally bought two sippee cups, much to the delight of my daughters, and still I’ve been annoyed that they use them. That’s also pride, even though I didn’t call it that.

Sippee cups are not the reason for this post. Really, a mother is no more or less spiritual for choosing a particular cup. Pride, on the other hand, is insidious. It creeps in our lives, even as we are wailing about our inadequacy in one breath, and congratulating ourselves  for our good sense, exclusive understanding, or great spiritual maturity in the next.

Pray with me today that God reveals our pride, because God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.

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Not What You Say, but How You Say It

  • Posted on July 2, 2009 at 10:01 am

File this in “Things I never thought about before I had children.”

As an earring of gold, and an ornament of fine gold, so is a wise reprover upon an obedient ear. Proverbs 25:12

  • God cares HOW I correct and instruct my children.
  • I am not a wise reprover by default.
  • There is a relationship between a wise reprover and an obedient child.
  • I suspect even the most obedient child will have difficulty responding to an unwise reprover.
  • I suspect even the most difficult child will respond better to a wise reprover.

Guess I know what I need to pray about today.

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When They Can’t Make it Right

  • Posted on June 24, 2009 at 12:19 am

This week Bethel was tussling with David over his helium balloon and popped it. Time stopped. David wailed.

I was fascinated to watch Bethel’s response. At first, she didn’t do anything. I’ve found that sometimes kids don’t know what to say when something bad happens, so I started giving her words to say.

  • Tell David you’re sorry [she didn't intend to pop the balloon, and it was unclear whether they were playing or not].
  • Tell David you are sad that his balloon popped [expressing remorse is a good part of making things right].

On her own accord, she offered her own helium balloon. David refused it [ perhaps understandably-- it was a heart balloon] and continued to cry. Unable to do anything to make it better, Bethel started to cry. She was genuinely grieved that there was nothing she could do. She asked if I could fix it, and I had to tell her the balloon was beyond repair.

As David started to calm down, I realized that the helplessness that Bethel and David both felt– a wrong with no way to make it right– was exactly the helplessness that we have to save ourselves. So we talked about that.

For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God; Romans 3:23

It’s not exactly the same, and maybe I was ruining the point of this verse. But I tried to explain that just like Bethel fell short of being able to make it right with David, we fall short when we attempt to make things right with God on our own. The only way we can make things right is through Jesus Christ. Not sure how much they understood. They didn’t say anything. In retrospect, I suppose I could have asked some good leading questions or something!

Sometimes I don’t do very well remembering to bring my children back to the gospel. I was delighted that God gave me an opportunity, and helped me to seize it. I need to pray specifically that God would give more situations that will help make the gospel clear to my children.

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