30May2008

Problem Solving when Parenting

Posted by Michelle under: Introspection; Uncategorized; Wisdom.

In the last chapter of Parenting with Wisdom, my mom outlines a process for thinking through problems, er, opportunities we face with our children.

She establishes that putting off behavior isn’t sufficient; we must replace bad behavior with good behavior. She also establishes that simply replacing behavior without a change of heart or mind is also not sufficient. When we teach our children to be well behaved without considering the heart, we are making good Pharisees.

That you put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness. Ephesians 4:22-24

With a caveat that the very best behaved, unsaved preschool child is still a Pharisee until he accepts Christ as his Savior, this is a helpful model to consider as we brainstorm solutions to those proble– opportunities.

Keep your heart with all diligence,
For out of it spring the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23

Furthermore, Mother reminds the reader that our actions flow from our desires and beliefs. This statement is biblical and common enough in Bible-based Christian parenting literature.

Now we must step out of theory and into real life. Knowing these things, what should we do next? In this last chapter, Mother outlines common problems and solutions, not so you know how to solve those problems, but so you know how to find solutions to your own problems. Make sense?

Here is her pattern:

• Look for possible underlying problems.
• Look for possible parental contributions.
• What should be put off? (with Scripture)
• What should be put on? (with Scripture)

I’ve found this pattern helpful. I learned it by watching her before I ever read about it in the book. It’s how she helped me think through problems I faced when I worked with children in high school, college, and beyond. The pattern reflects how she questioned me when I called her about problems I faced with my own children.

Care to try a few opportunities? On Monday, we’ll start with something easy, and then on Tuesday (and maybe the rest of the week) we’ll do one that is a little harder. In the meantime, try it yourself, and see if thinking your challenge through in this way doesn’t help you avoid leaning on your own understanding and instead helps you to acknowledge and follow His path.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

Popularity: 80% [?]

Popularity: 80% [?]

22May2008

Parenting on a Cycle

Posted by Michelle under: Introspection; Uncategorized.

When I was a teenager, I heard many complaints from other teenagers about their monthly cycle. My mom gave a different perspective that has stayed with me, explaining that God created women’s hormones to fluctuate on purpose. For example, women tend to be more creative some weeks than others. The emotions that seem to surge can be used of God for his glory, if we are sensitive to the needs of others, and so on.

By showing the positive side of how I was created, my mom helped me to ignore other girls who complained about such things. She helped me understand that I was still responsible for doing right, even when it seemed more difficult. But knowing why I was struggling actually helped me respond better, for some reason.

Throughout the years, I’ve noticed a number of ways that my cycle affects my day-to-day life.

• Some weeks I have a harder time being patient, and I struggle with anger more than usual. Knowing that my hormones contribute to some of the mood changes doesn’t excuse my sinfulness, but it does help me to be aware and prepare for those times. Perhaps I should pay more attention to when I schedule dates with my husband.
• I’ve long noticed there’s a relationship between my struggle to keep house clean, and my cycle. If I can be extra diligent during the “organizational high,” I can usually keep my head above water during the “organizational low.” Understanding how I work in this way helps me plan better. Some weeks are not good weeks to plan a major cleaning project.
• I actually blog on a cycle, too. Some weeks, I have an intense drive to write. I help myself out if I write like mad during those times, so when I hit the next week and am chewing on more strawberry licorice than I need and looking at a blank screen, I can use a post I’ve already written and be a better steward of the time God has given me.

All these things I’ve known for awhile. What is new is the growing awareness that I parent on a cycle too, and that’s not always a bad thing.

I’ve observed that sometimes I get a good idea, get it going for awhile, and then somehow it fades until I don’t remember doing it much at all. Looking back, I wonder whether I stopped because it was a good time to stop, or whether I stopped because I was lazy and undisciplined. In some cases, stopping a good thing might be a problem, but often, I think it’s just a part of the cycle of parenting.

Some weeks, I’ll be more creative. I can think of many projects, goals, and ways to teach my children, but that time doesn’t last. When I’m not creative, it’s normal and I shouldn’t fret because I’m not creative all the time. For example, I regularly remind myself of the importance to teach my children good hymns. I might forget to teach my children a hymn three weeks out of the month, but if I work on one hymn a month, why fret about the missing weeks? Some weeks are good weeks to try something new and fun. Other weeks are better to stick with predictable activities when I don’t feel creative or adventurous. On the other hand, just as I can prepare ahead of time when I write, I could (even though I don’t) prepare ahead of time with finding things for my children to do.

Sometimes there are tasks that must be done, even though my motivation for doing them wanes at times. That’s when I have to refuse to be feeling-oriented and simply do what is right. It’s when walking in the spirit is most critical. Even as I have a monthly cycle, I also have a life cycle. I’m maturing and growing spiritually, too. Eventually, I’ll consistently make sure that all my children’s teeth are brushed, including my own. I’ll have my room just as clean as theirs. I will go a whole month without making macaroni and cheese from a box for dinner, or asking to go out to eat rather than cook.

It is God who created women in such a way that their hormones rise and fall like the tide. Being aware of and thankful for the ebb and flow of our natural rhythm brings God glory.

Popularity: 55% [?]

Popularity: 55% [?]

10April2008

Overwhelmed? Back to Basics

Posted by Michelle under: Introspection; Uncategorized.

Sometimes when I find my introspection to be unedifying (read: I’m worrying), I have to renew my mind and get back to the basics. Here’s the path I took this morning: I started in Deuteronomy 6:4-7.

Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.

It’s easy to worry about whether I’m teaching right things, teaching enough or too much, and feeling awkward, and in the meantime forget the primary emphasis in this passage. Moses didn’t start with teaching our children. Before we are commanded to teach our children, we are commanded to love the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, and might. That’s quite a bit more simple than the teaching part, and not too overwhelming (who’s overwhelmed?!).

It is true that sometimes, even loving God can seem overwhelming. I know that loving God means keeping his commandments, and that can be difficult. I don’t always understand what I read in the Bible. I don’t always know the best way to apply it. That’s why the next stop I took this morning is Micah 6:8.

He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the LORD require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?

Walk humbly? I can do that. When I pray, when I look into God’s Word, when I seek for wisdom, I’m acknowledging that I cannot live life apart from God. I need the fellowship with God, I need His guidance, I need His grace. With every realization of my spiritual helplessness, with every step toward greater dependence on God, I am walking humbly. I certainly need his mercy. I can love God’s mercy to me every day. Do justly? Yes, I can do that. Sadly, I can worry so much about what I don’t know that I forget there’s always something I do know. Instead, I can do the right thing today, right now. This verse keeps it simple, and I need simplicity.

Talking about humility reminds me about James 4:6 and 8.

But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.

When I humble myself and draw near to God, He promises to draw near to me. Again, I can always take one more step closer to God. I know that tonight, my husband has some work on the computer that he wants to do. Instead of sitting next to him and moping because I want to be on the computer, I could actually be reading my Bible.

I need to renew my mind and start with my relationship with God. All the other parenting questions I have, all the Bible questions I have, they will come soon enough. Right now I need the wisdom that is pure, peaceable, gentle, approachable, full of mercy, without partiality and hypocrisy (James 3:17). That’s the atmosphere I want in my home, and I know just where to go to get it.

Popularity: 25% [?]

Popularity: 25% [?]

1April2008

Dwelling on Progress, and Being Thankful

Posted by Michelle under: Introspection; Obedience.

As I chopped up some onion yesterday, I thought about Bethel. She’s asking if she can continue what she’s doing, when I ask her to obey, instead of telling me, or ignoring me. She’s not bursting into tears when I tell her to do something, most of the time. We still are working on these things, but I see signs of definite and significant growth.

I am writing this because I didn’t start out thinking on Bethel’s progress. I was worrying over the lack of progress in another area. The worrying wasn’t helping my attitude, and God helped me to change how I was thinking. He’s working in her life, and I’m thankful for that, but he’s also working in my life, too. I need to remember that every stage of life has bumpy parts and fun parts. If I spend all my life dwelling on and complaining about the bumpy parts, I’m going to be a miserable mother. So… if I start complaining… just give me a thwack on the head, will you?

Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise:
be thankful unto him, and bless his name.

For the LORD is good; his mercy is everlasting;
and his truth endureth to all generations.

Psalm 100:4-5

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Popularity: 30% [?]

19March2008

The Fruit of Holiness

Posted by Michelle under: Introspection; Wisdom.

I’ve been poking through Deuteronomy on the ESV chronological plan, and as I told Lee, sometimes ending up with more questions than answers. This week, the Wisdom Wednesday comes from our Sunday school lesson, which has been challenging to me. Here is what we were reading:

I speak after the manner of men because of the infirmity of your flesh: for as ye have yielded your members servants to uncleanness and to iniquity unto iniquity; even so now yield your members servants to righteousness unto holiness.

For when ye were the servants of sin, ye were free from righteousness.

What fruit had ye then in those things whereof ye are now ashamed? for the end of those things is death.

But now being made free from sin, and become servants to God, ye have your fruit unto holiness, and the end everlasting life.

Romans 6:19-22

When I heard this, I thought, That’s a passage I should remember, and now I’m working on memorizing it. It’s important to remember the fruit of my actions today, whether of righteousness or iniquity. Our tendency is to think of the fruit of righteousness as good children. We erroneously think If I’m a good mom, the fruit will be good children; yet when our children misbehave, we are devastated, as though God were not a faithful God. My goal has been to remember that the fruit of obeying the Holy Spirit is holiness, or Christlikeness. I’ve remembered it once or twice. It’s also important to remember that, as a child of God, I am not helpless against the fight with sin. Sometimes I’ve forgotten this truth.

As a side note, Wisdom Wednesday helps me (including this week) to remember what I’ve learned, truths that otherwise would have passed through my brain with little application. It’s also helped me to ask more, “How is Scripture changing me this week?” It’s been a good way to be a doer of the word, and not just a hearer.

For the story behind Wisdom Wednesday, click here. How has God’s Word been changing you?

Popularity: 29% [?]

Popularity: 29% [?]

29February2008

Having a Hard Week?

Posted by Michelle under: Introspection.

Sometimes parenting can be discouraging. It is easy to feel overwhelmed or discouraged. Here is a good post that shows us the thought process of a godly person who is having a bad week. Click here.

Popularity: 13% [?]

Popularity: 13% [?]

12February2008

Motives for Asking Children to Obey

Posted by Michelle under: Introspection; Obedience.

We’ve been talking about Philippians 4:13 off and on at our house. Today I noticed that in addition to helping them to remember that God will help them do right, this verse also causes me to think about my actions in asking them to obey.

Will God help them do anything their parents ask them to do? What if their parents ask them to do something beyond their ability? What if they selfishly ask them to obey for selfish reasons? What if they ask their children to sin?

The answers aren’t important to me right now. I know God’s grace is sufficient, but these thoughts are sobering to me. I want to make sure that when I ask my children to obey, I’m asking for the right reasons. It’s a big responsibility, to be entrusted with children, who are helpless and weak. No wonder Jesus said what he did about children.

At the same time came the disciples unto Jesus, saying, Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven? And Jesus called a little child unto him, and set him in the midst of them, And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.

Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me. But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.

Mark 18:1-6

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Popularity: 25% [?]

7February2008

When They Don’t Want to Listen

Posted by Michelle under: Discipleship; Introspection; Scripture Memory.

A Conversation:

Me: Did you know that there’s something else God says makes us happy?
Child: Mom, I don’t really want you to read to me.
Me: [okay, that's fine. I'll just tell another child.] Did you know that there’s something else God says makes us happy? God says finding wisdom makes us happy.
(”Happy is the man that findeth wisdom, and the man that getteth understanding.” Proverbs 3:19)

End of conversation, a little discouraged.

I’ve had these discouraging conversations before. When I do share something I find interesting, or something I think they will be interested in, they often don’t really want to listen. I have the best success reading during breakfast, while they’re eating, but even then they will ask me to stop sometimes. And the conversation I just related was while they were jumping on our enormous beanbag.

The introspection begins… Is it because they are unregenerate? Is it because I don’t read them the Bible enough? Maybe my casual, incidental approach to sharing what I’m reading is misguided. I’ve stopped asking, “Do you want to know…” because they answer no. Maybe I need something more formal. Should I stop sharing Bible when they ask me to? Maybe I should just keep doing what I’m doing, and ignore their objections. The baby won’t stop me from talking about the Bible. Maybe I should just start with her.

But, I am reminded that one child did ask why when I told them what makes us happy. I don’t think I’m imagining that. And, I did notice that they all (even the baby) enjoyed sitting with me at the piano while I sang hymns, and later singing more while they played with their toys. So maybe my efforts to share Scripture aren’t as misguided as I might think.

Press on! The one thing I know, is that it I won’t feel less awkward talking about God if I don’t ever do it.

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Popularity: 39% [?]

30January2008

Toddler Bed Attempt #2

Posted by Michelle under: Bedtime; Introspection; Wisdom.

I didn’t intend my last post to end so dramatically. I feel somewhat sheepish because the change really isn’t that big of a deal, although dealing with my attitude is why this post fits the Wisdom Wednesday theme.
Have you ever considered that pride causes us to act in the best interest of ourselves, not our children?Awhile back we had a problem with David and Bethel getting up before Laurel. The biggest problem was that David and Bethel could very well entertain themselves while I slept longer or got ready for my day, but then Laurel would wake up and cry until I went to take her out of the crib. And once she saw me, she wanted to be held, breakfasted, a change in clothes, and my day was always starting before I had a chance to wake up completely. It’s not the only way to address the problem, but we put Laurel in a toddler bed, which worked okay for nighttime but not for naps. After a few months back in the crib, we tried the toddler bed again. She’s now at the same age we successfully introduced the toddler bed for David and Bethel, so she should be ready, right?

Bottom line, she regressed. She stopped going right to sleep at night, and actually started getting up early in the morning, much earlier than David and Bethel. And she started getting up at night, so we’ve been sitting outside her door until she goes to sleep. That was a challenge at first because she didn’t understand that mommy wasn’t playing a game with her, even after I repeatedly got up, told her to lie down, and told her that she must obey mommy. She’d just giggle and hop up the minute I had turned around. And when I gently tapped her bottom, she giggled all the more and started tapping her own bottom when I walked back in the room. That was more than a little humiliating, and I still didn’t know how to teach her what I wanted. Everything I tried failed.

I finally gave her one swat over her diaper, her first. It really did help her understand that staying in bed wasn’t a game, but she still kept popping up (obediently lying back down when she was told!). I’ve been vigilant, patient, and consistent, to no avail.

Last week, I realized that the very reason I had put her in the toddler bed was that I wanted her in bed longer, and that goal wasn’t being met. So, I had Lee set up the pack-and-play in her room beside her bed last night. She went right to sleep without any difficulty. I hate to admit that she wasn’t ready, but… her delighted response when I put her in the crib seems to demonstrate that she really isn’t ready developmentally for the bed. She needs the boundaries still.

Why is it that my pride keeps me from loving my children as I ought to? Putting a child in a toddler bed is of no spiritual consequence, but the thoughts and intents of my heart are crucial. My stubborn pride is what has kept me from simply concluding that my second attempt was too soon. No, I don’t see any devastating effects from my sinfulness, but the willingness to put my own needs above my child’s is sobering. I desperately need humility; I need God’s grace in my life. These verses have been in my mind recently as a result of the toddler bed saga.

Only by pride cometh contention: but with the well advised is wisdom. Proverbs 13:10

The LORD will destroy the house of the proud: but he will establish the border of the widow. Proverbs 15:25

Better is the end of a thing than the beginning thereof: and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit. Be not hasty in thy spirit to be angry: for anger resteth in the bosom of fools. Ecclesiastes 7:8,9

But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble. James 4:6

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Popularity: 42% [?]

29January2008

Changing My Mind

Posted by Michelle under: Introspection.

Are you ever afraid to change your mind? If we made a good decision in the past, doesn’t that mean we shouldn’t change it? If we change direction, doesn’t that mean we made a bad decision in the first place? And when we’re talking about God’s Will and sin, the thinking gets even more uncomfortable. Was I sinning if I admit I need to change? Was I not in God’s Will?

The first time I grappled with these issues was when God directed me away from a relationship that from all appearances was a fine one. When we parted ways, I wondered whether I had been rebelling against God, or whether I had missed God’s direction earlier, or whether it was possible for God to actually lead one direction for some reason, but change course later. As I examined my life, and searched the Scriptures, I realized that changing direction isn’t always a bad thing. I’m thankful that God led how he did.

The apostle Paul actually had a “sharp disagreement” with another Christian leader about a young man who proved unfaithful in ministry (Acts 15:39). Paul didn’t want to bring him on another missionary trip, and Barnabus wanted to. And yet, after a number of years, Paul calls for John Mark to be a helper (I Tim 4:11), because he was profitable for the ministry. There’s no way of knowing what made Paul change his mind, but he did.

In education we change courses all the time, too. When I’m trying to help a student succeed academically, I might suggest to a parent or teacher several interventions. Children and their situations are so complex that it’s not always possible to recommend an action that has a 100% chance of success. So we experiment. We try something, and then evaluate how our action furthers our goals. We adjust, fine tune, and sometimes turn about face when helping a child.

Parenting seems full of this same evaluation and adjustment. We understand our priorities, goals, and limitations from God’s Word, but in the freedom God has given to us as parents to meet our goals, we are constantly making adjustments. What worked with one child has the opposite effect on another. What worked when the child was one might be inappropriate at age four. Sometimes we make a decision and later receive further information. We might reconsider what we once forbade, and consequently allow. A change in environment (like a big move, or a deployment) might make change necessary.

It’s easy to get discouraged when we make changes, because we think somehow that means we failed. Or we’re afraid to make changes because we think that’s failing to stand on principle. What we forget is that we are all being changed to be more like Christ. If God’s Word by His Spirit is changing us, we’re going to see things differently as the years go by. Change is a good thing if we’re firmly anchored to God’s Word.

Romans 12:1-2 says I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

Earlier, Jesus prayed, Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth. (John 17:17)

That renewing isn’t just trying to think right through our own ideas. When Jesus prayed for us, that we would be sanctified (changed into His image), he tells us where the sanctification begins. God sanctifies us through the truth of God’s Word.

How about you? Can you think of any more biblical evidence on this topic? Do you think it matters whether the past direction is right or wrong? Have you ever had to change direction? Tomorrow I’ll tell you what I’m changing and why.

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Popularity: 19% [?]