One of my burdens at our new church is that I be teachable and humble. I have been praying that I would be teachable. And I’ve been working at keeping my mouth closed during discussion times at the Ladies Bible Study (and trying to articulate criteria for speaking up when it’s appropriate). Having something to say isn’t always a good reason for saying it, I’m learning.

Part of the problem is that I have more of a difficulty doing what I already know to be right, instead of simply knowing what to do. I’ve always seen mentorship as primarily for those who need the latter, not the former. Another part of the problem is that I’m not a good question maker. When I’m with someone that I know is a godly older woman, I don’t know what to ask.

Today I had some ideas. I think maybe God is answering my prayer for wisdom in this area and teaching me some things about humility.

• I need to express a desire to know the older women better and learn from them. “I’d like to get to know you and learn from you.”
• I need to ask for prayer for the things I need. I don’t have all my ducks in a row, and there are areas of my life where I need much wisdom. I may not need another woman telling me what to do each step of the way, but I do need prayer. I’ve been thankful in the past for older women who have prayed for me. I just need to ask for it again.
• I need to specifically indicate that I am willing to be corrected or questioned in what I’m doing. I’ve noticed that older women don’t often poke and prod (and I know it’s not because I’m doing everything right). What I suspect is that older women realize that unless a person is willing to change, then change doesn’t happen well. Expressing a willingness to be corrected might be a good thing.

I’ve been thinking through questions I’ve learned aren’t particularly helpful for mentors.

• What did you do that all your children turned out so well? I’ve never gotten a good answer from this question. I think because it puts the emphasis on “supermom,” something a humble woman is uncomfortable with. She’s not likely to tell you a single secret that you don’t already know.
• How do I get my baby to sleep through the night? Actually, you can ask this one, but there’s a difference between practical advice and spiritual wisdom [i.e., applying God's Word to life].  It’s great to be able to ask someone practical helpful questions (that might in fact, save our sanity at times!), but that’s not necessarily wisdom.
• Tell me what to do in this situation? Trouble is, if she’s wise, she may not answer your question, unless it’s pretty obvious in Scripture. A wise response isn’t something someone can “give” you, because God doesn’t give us grace for other people’s problems. Better to ask what Scriptures might apply in a particular situation, or what Scripture she found helpful in similar situations. Then you make the decision.

Have you found any questions I should ask, or shouldn’t ask, a godly older woman?Similar Posts:

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Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me.

Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Therefore let us, as many as are mature, have this mind; and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal even this to you. Philippians 3:12-15

I’ve been thinking about this passage in how it relates to maturity and mentorship. It’s tremendously encouraging.

First, Paul reminds people who are watching him that he has not arrived at the finish line. He’s still living the Christian life, and he’s not perfect. How does he do it? He tells us.

Paul tells us that he forgets the things that are in the past. Now, obviously, there are good things to remember, but when the past becomes a weight, it should be left behind.

• If it’s sin, then it should be confessed and left behind.
• If it’s past decisions that we are afraid to change, because we believed them right at the time or because somebody else believed them right at the time (not talking about husbands), then we should forget what is behind and do what is right.
• If it’s distracting weights, not necessarily sin but something that interferes with what I know is right, then I need to leave it behind, too.
• Sometimes the process of maturing weighs us down. We see how far we have to go, how much we have to learn, and other people’s spiritual accomplishments, and we’re discouraged. This kind of thinking is itself a weight.

Notice that I’m not merely forgetting things which are behind (put off the old man); I need to press toward a certain goal (put on the new man). Just a few passages earlier, Paul declared his driving passion to know Christ. Yes, there are things to do, and choices to make, but knowing Christ should be our focus. Isaiah says something like this years earlier.

Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee. Isaiah 26:3

Then Paul says something I believe we fundamentalists need to remind ourselves. For those of us who are mature, let’s have this mind. But God will teach a believer who isn’t there yet. Sometimes we have a really hard time trusting that God will do this. We get nervous when we don’t see the Holy Spirit working as we think He ought to.

Now I’m not saying that we don’t teach what is right. Let’s take modesty. I love to talk about modesty, and I’ve taught some classes on it and even wrote a small book on it. And I’ve had young girls come up to me and tell me that what I said was a blessing and help, even when they’re wearing something I might cringe at.

I might be tempted to think, “Were they not listening? What could I have said wrong? Maybe I need to hit those key points a little harder.” But the fact is, if that girl is submissive to the Holy Spirit, and I’ve done my responsibility to teach what is right, then at some point I have to rest in knowing that the Holy Spirit will teach her what she needs to learn.

That’s true of parenting and wifehood. I can teach a younger woman what I believe is right, and I think we should. But I must ultimately trust as Paul said that “if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal even this to you.” Just keep pressing toward the mark!

Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us,

Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.

For consider him that endured such contradiction of sinners against himself, lest ye be wearied and faint in your minds.Hebrews 12:1-3

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Then I remembered that a few weeks ago, I told myself I probably needed to make a prayer list if I wanted to pray more systematically for others, as Lee’s grandma and grandpa did all of their lives. Again I chuckled, since I’ve pushed that idea side for several years, too. I’m not organized enough, there’s no need, not my personality, that’s something SuperMom does, and I’m not SuperMom.

Then I got really curious, because I’m starting to see a pattern. Are there any other areas of my life in the past or currently that I’m resisting change? Am I resisting change just because I’ve deliberately chosen to do something different in the past? And does the fact that I’m finally coming around to some of these conclusions mean that I was doing wrong way back when? Was I pridefully blinded to things in my life I needed to change, or had God simply not revealed them to me yet because I was not ready to learn these lessons?

Here’s my real question, now. If I could be an older woman teaching my younger woman self, would I make a point to instruct on these matters? Or would it be better to simply encourage my younger self to keep seeking the Lord, seeking His Word, seeking His Wisdom, and trust that God will give needed direction and maturity when most needed? I think this is a good approach, although maybe I would add to my younger self that our hearts are easily deceived, and that we desperately need humility as well.

We sometimes think we want advice: how do I get baby to stop crying? When will she stop needing my help to obey? Is breaking the will a good thing, as Susanna Wesley says? How do I teach modesty, masculinity, and responsibility? These are good questions, but they’re not the most important. It’s possible that the best advice I can give to a new mom is not how to schedule her baby, but to seek the Lord.

How can I make this connection clear?

Keep thy heart with all diligence, for out of it are the issues of life.

Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and all these things will be added unto you.

Love the Lord your God with all heart, soul and mind. THEN teach these things diligently to your children.

Tomorrow I want to talk about maturing and sanctification. We don’t become angry with a baby for acting like a baby, usually, so why do we get discouraged and angry with ourselves for being immature?Similar Posts:

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The question is whether it is ever appropriate to discipline multiple children for one child’s offense (like going on an outing, for example). I would say not usually, particularly for older children, but then I consider that we do see corporate discipline in the Bible, so perhaps it might be appropriate in some situations.

Incidentally, this question illustrates my observation about biblical mentor relationships. I would suggest that the best teaching relationship would offer important Scriptures to consider while evaluating this situation, rather than simply saying, “You should never do thus-and-so” or “That’s just not biblical.”

So here’s the question. What biblical principles and/or passages are important to consider when deciding how to discipline, when more than the offending child might be affected. (Let’s say, we’re going on a planned family outing to Sea World some distance away, and one child’s room isn’t clean, as was instructed the night before. We must leave within five minutes to reach the dolphin feeding and show on time.)Similar Posts:

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I’ve been reading Proverbs, looking for any evidence that wisdom can come from others. I’m actually surprised that, although there is much in Proverbs about receiving instruction and knowledge from teachers, or mentors, there seems to be no mention of receiving wisdom from teachers. I believe this is significant.

For the LORD giveth wisdom: out of his mouth cometh knowledge and understanding. He layeth up sound wisdom for the righteous: he is a buckler to them that walk uprightly. (Proverbs 2:6-7)

Again, James gives the source of wisdom, too:

If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. (James 1:5)

If we remember Jesus’ discussion about wisdom, wisdom is inextricably linked to God’s Word, and obedience. Without both, we cannot be wise. I think implied would be the necessity of the Holy Spirit (John 14:26), but I see wisdom as coming directly from God, not through a mediator.

In Proverbs, Solomon is constantly imploring his audience to value wisdom, to seek for it. Could this be because wisdom must be earned by each individual? It appears this way to me. Clearly, Solomon saw the need to compile his book of Proverbs, so he is not suggesting there is no need for a teacher. But the application (i.e., wisdom) seems to be in most cases left to the individual. As a teacher of my children (and anytime God gives me opportunity to teach younger women), I can teach them the value of wisdom, I can encourage them to look for it, I can help them learn principles of applying Scripture to their lives, and I can teach the principles. But I cannot give out wisdom.

Am I missing something? Is there pertinent Scripture that I haven’t considered? I’m eager to learn more about this topic, so will continue to study!Similar Posts:

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Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much. (James 5:16)

I’ve been excited at how God has been working in my life to help me deny myself on a day-to-day basis. Perhaps part of the difference has been the difficult task of asking for specific prayer in our ladies’ Sunday school class. The elderly ladies giggle sometimes when I ask for prayer, but I know they pray. Sometimes it is hard to explain what I need prayer for. When I ask prayer about getting my house clean, I’m not asking prayer for a miraculous wind to blow through my house and set everything in its place. I’m asking prayer that God would help me know how to prioritize my tasks, that God would help me deny my flesh when I’m tempted to indulge in too much computer time. My tendency is to give vague requests that don’t make me look bad. I have a busy week; pray that God gives me strength instead of I’ve been procrastinating getting my laundry done and I need to have the humility and love to finish it. I’m still learning, and my natural reaction is still to protect myself and my “image,” but I’m excited to find the grace I need when I humble myself in this way.

I need prayer from other believers. I’m starting to remember that others need prayer, too, and have been burdened to pray for those people in our local church. It’s one way that I can serve while I’m sitting in the bathroom waiting for a little girl to go potty, while I’ve kicked up my feet outside watching my preschoolers ride their bikes in the street, while I’m chopping up onions for dinner. I can be an active, essential part of my church when I choose to pray.

I’m also still learning to pray for others. I’m far too distractible with my own cares, and sometimes I come to Wednesday church realizing I haven’t thought at all about for those whom I determined to pray for on Sunday.

In both giving and receiving, I can easily complain because of the lack of mentoring going on, but at the same time refuse to be transparent in prayer.

I’d love to tie this post up neatly with a bow, but I have all three children awake extra early, needing attention. I cannot concentrate enough to write (as it should be, I suspect). Have a good day!Similar Posts:

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I have many questions forming in my mind. Are we talking about the same kind of dependence? Do the areas of dependence overlap, or should they? How do we evaluate whether out dependence on other believers is supplanting dependence on God? How can mentors instill a biblical dependence (on God and others) in the lives of those they disciple? How do we guard against pridefully resisting accountability and dependence on other believers, while we emphasize the need for growing dependence on God? Where does a mother find the confidence to make wise decisions for her family? Should she be confident at all, unless she has first consulted a variety of mentors and counselors?

Guess we should open the Book of Books for the answers to our questions. Where should I start my treasure hunt this time? I think I’m going to begin in the book of Proverbs. Lee is gone, the children are sleeping, so I have some time to enjoy my reading. I know this isn’t very focussed (I’m not starting with a look into a topical Bible, or a concordance, or a commentary), but since I like Proverbs, I’ll enjoy myself this afternoon and I might find more direction as I read and think.Similar Posts:

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I sometimes don’t feel qualified to give encouragement. I suppose we all know people that we think don’t need encouragement, or who intimidate us. We can all point to someone else who is more socially competent, who knows the Bible better, who knows people better, who should be doing the encouraging. As the relatively new person in our church, I’m tempted to let the people who have been at our church longer to do the job. Some whom I know need encouraging are much older than I, so I’ll let the older members call them. But the Bible is clear that in the body of Christ, every member has a responsibility to fulfill. In first Corinthians 12 through 14, Paul compares a local church to a physical body. Just like all the parts of a body work together, so must all of us work together. Paul says this: Even so ye, forasmuch as ye are zealous of spiritual gifts, seek that ye may excel to the edifying of the church (14:12). I need to be giving.

I sometimes don’t know how to give encouragement, or I don’t know people well enough to give encouragement. Often this is a result of my own laziness and self-centeredness. At church, I’m not real great at talking to people. I sit down before church and tend to leave as soon as my dear husband is ready. I get “peopled out” easily, especially when I haven’t been getting much sleep. Plain and simple, this is wrong. It would be easy to ask a few people, “How can I pray for you this week?” I need to do that more.

What else should I be doing?

• Pray for others. I should also let people know that I am praying for them, if I am doing so. Asking them about prayer requests they’ve shared is especially good. I know that I have much more confidence in someone’s “I’ll be praying for you” when a week later, they ask about what I needed prayer for.
• Be willing to fumble. Sometimes I talk too soon; sometimes I say dumb things. Sometimes I give advice that isn’t of eternal value; sometimes I give Scripture when all that is needed is a hug. Just like all spiritual disciplines, encouraging one another takes practice. If I refuse to encourage others because I’m spiritually awkward, I’m revealing I’m not willing to obey Scripture and trust in God to sort out the results. I’m still putting all my trust in myself and my sufficiency.
• Use the phone, computer, or note cards. It’s not about how I communicate best; it’s how our fellow believers communicate best. Sigh. I think God must have a sense of humor because I’m starting to realize I must use the phone to be a part of the body of our church. Of all of my oddities, my aversion to using the phone is the most irrational and incapacitating. It can easily become a sin issue for me, and yet, I am finding it is an essential tool. I’m trying to keep note cards handy. I’ve been writing in a small notebook people who come to mind on Sundays at church, and then trying to follow up on those people during the week. This isn’t something I’m great at, but I’m learning. Romans 12 gives some more ways that we can edify, or build up others in our church.
• Incorporate some sort of plan to learn more about individuals in the local body of Christ. We’ve been in small,, but not tiny, churches for our last few moves. I’ve found writing prayer requests beside the names in a church directory gives me a good idea of who I know and who I don’t. It’s been a good starting place for me as I am learning of my responsibility to give to others. I know others who take pictures of people in their local church whom they pray for. Some have coffee nights where they invite others over. I’m a mom of three very young children. Many would exempt me from the task of encouraging, but God doesn’t give me that excuse. It doesn’t take long to encourage one or two people in my church throughout the week.

I’m praying that the Lord will help me to be a doer of His Word this week and not a forgetful hearer (James 2:22-25). I’m going to start working on my small checklist of how I’m going to give and receive encouragement the rest of this week. Pray for me. You’ll be an encouragement to me if you do.

P.S. I don’t often link to other blogs, but this article at Pyromaniacs discusses the same topic a little more in-depth from a guy’s point of view. It’s well done.Similar Posts:

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Some people have honed the art of giving, but have relegated the art of receiving into a rusty heap in the corner. Some people receive love gratefully, but are not sure how to give to others in the same measure. Perhaps it is time to examine why our edification tools are not working as they should. This is an area where it is easy for me to focus on “the other people,” but I know I should probably start by evaluating myself.

Because God has blessed me with an inherent love for teaching, and because God has blessed me beyond measure with a godly heritage, I find it easy to teach, but I find it much harder to learn. In the last year or so, God has been teaching me ways I contribute to the problem.

First, I don’t receive encouragement because I think I can live without it. Our society has imbibed the wine of Emerson and self-reliance, and we Christians often drink, unwittingly contrary to Scripture. It is pride to ignore Scripture that clearly indicates we are to function as a body. I think God delights in giving us circumstances we cannot handle alone, because it is in those times when we must turn to Him and His word. But God did not intend for us to function in our Christian lives without other believers. We’ve got an abundance of Scripture that places a high priority on giving and receiving spiritual encouragement. The apostle Paul told the believers under his authority how they encouraged him, which seems to suggest that even in leadership we have need of each other. In my case, God has used the military to keep me moving, keep me away from relying on any single person I know well. I’ve recognized struggles I just wasn’t getting a handle on by myself. How many times does it take to say “God is sufficient. I don’t need to share this struggle with anyone else” before I realize I do need others.

Second, I don’t receive encouragement because I communicate to others that I can live without it. This too, is pride. There are many reasons we do not share our struggles with others. I am coming to believe many of them are not biblical. Clearly, wisdom would dictate a place and audience for transparency, but if we are never transparent with anyone, we have a problem. How can those in my local church pray for me if I do not ask for prayer? How can they encourage me? Yes, we risk many unpleasant consequences by being honest with others, but I do not see how I can fulfill Scripture without it.

What can we do? For me, I’ve figured out that there are some things, I can deal with without other believers. If I am having a wretched day, and I find comfort and restoration in God’s Word, then I think God has given me the grace to deal with it on my own. Sometimes, though, I’ve realized I’m dealing with the same pattern of thinking over and over, without seeing any real change. Or I’ve gotten discouraged in some area. Or I’m not really sure after studying something what to do. In these cases, I believe, God’s Word is clear that I need the strength of other believers.

I’ve also been examining my motives for not sharing specific spiritual requests with other believers. When I see unbiblical motives for protecting myself, I’ve been convicted about sharing them. I haven’t arrived yet. I still am reluctant to be open with people who love me very much, but God is helping me to grow in this area.

Tomorrow I’ll talk about giving encouragement. Update: Here is the article.
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