As4Me Thinking through the process of finding wisdom.

Sometimes we communicate a great deal by the questions we ask. Here are some that I’ve been asking lately, and thinking about:

• After eating, “Are you satisfied?”  [as opposed to, "Are you full?" I want our children to know that being satisfied is better than being full. I am wondering whether filling them up is somewhat akin to encouraging gluttony. I dunno.]
• After church, “What did you learn?” [as opposed to, "Did you have fun in church?" Again, I'm wondering whether I'm communicating my primary expectation that Sunday school was a success if children had fun. I don't think that's the most important thing, so I want my questions to reflect my priorities.]
• After spending time with friends, “Are they godly friends?” [followups: Are they kind to the little children? Do they obey the teacher? Do they obey their mom? Are they wise? Truthfully, my children don’t know the answers to these questions, but I want them in the habit of remembering criteria for choosing good friends. There will come a day when they can answer those questions.
• After a sports practice: “Were you teachable? Were you humble?” David always answers yes. But again, I want to teach him my priority in athletics. We spent quite a bit of time talking today about competition, and how an athlete can try to be the best, and still be humble.
• Lately, after something really exciting or fun that has happened, “Would Solomon say that wisdom is better than X?” We’re talking a lot about how knowing God, and finding wisdom is better than anything else we could desire. The children all know the right answer by now…. Praying that they’ll believe it.

What questions are you asking your children, and why?

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I’ve been working on being a better listener lately. Here are some more things I’ve been working on and found useful.

• Make eye contact. Yes, stop looking at dishes, that book, or the computer screen.
• Ban “uh huh” as a response. It’s pretty obvious that this response is a half-hearted, uninterested gesture.
• Ask a followup question. If child asks, “Do you like my picture?” don’t say “yes, it’s beautiful.”Say that, but then ask what the strange brown dots all over mommy’s face are for.  It doesn’t matter what you ask, just as long as it relates to the original statement or question from the child.
• Don’t jump to conclusions, and don’t react too quickly. I remember David wanting me to listen to his rock song. I was a little nervous at first, until I realized that he had a rock on the piano and was making up a ROCK SONG. Those kind are okay. I jump to conclusions pretty fast, so this is a hard one for me.

What if your child isn’t a talker?

• What I’m learning is that they ask more questions when I’m a better listener.
• They also ask more questions than I think, once I start paying attention.
• Ask questions during mealtime or in the car. Ask, “Did you notice that….” and then ask them “Why do you think mommy did that?” [or some other relevant followup] I’ve learned that my non-talker is very observant and this approach always seems to get the conversation started. My middle child isn’t always very observant in the same way, and she benefits from my drawing her attention to something important.
• Find the times and ways when they will talk, even if it’s inconvenient to you.

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We’ve told our children that if anyone tells them to keep a secret, they should come talk to mom and dad about it. We do this for their protection, primarily, and we’ve said it several times, but we’ve never had a response.

The other day, while the girls were still sleeping, David stood on one foot and told me about a secret one of his friends told him. It was harmless, and I explained that this was an okay secret to keep, that he shouldn’t tell his sisters, and that he did the right thing to come talk to mom. I asked several questions, and he chatted about the situation.

I was elated, mostly because this is a child who doesn’t often open a window into his soul, and I struggle to trust God with what I don’t know, even as I try to learn how to listen to him.

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Jay Younts has been talking about questions and answers, and I’ve been thinking quite a bit about about what he’s saying. I know I need to be a better listener. One way I can is to ask followup questions to their statements, instead of assuming I understand what they’re saying. Asking for clarification or elaboration is one way to continue to keep the conversation flowing.

I can think of a number of serious examples, but this morning I had to laugh when Bethel mentioned that her sister had green eyes. Without thinking, I corrected her, No, Laurel’s eyes are blue, not green. About ten minutes later, I realized that Bethel was correct.

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Since we have three unregenerate sinners in our household, we have conflict. Yes, we’re attempting to teach them to share, show love for each other, and humbly put the other first. God’s standard is not what is fair, but what is humble and loving. But in spite of our efforts, they still struggle. They’ve learned how to fight “under the radar” so that it’s not always clear what happened or who is at fault.

We’ve been dealing with screaming with the two girls. It’s hard to deal with, because often the screaming is a response to a legitimate offense. Deal with the screaming, and the offender gets the idea what he/she did was okay, or at least, not as bad as the other child. But if I deal with the initial offense first, then the screaming child is rewarded for her method of solving the problem.

Conventional wisdom would suggest that I deal with the worse offense first. Because typically the worse offense is by an older child who can understand the priority of offense if taught, I think I’ve been dealing with the screaming first, and then the offending child right after. I say, “No screaming. Say, ‘Please stop.’ Sister [or brother] should not take away toy. No screaming.” It’s pretty much verbatim right now. So I’ve focused on the child who because of a younger age seems to need immediate feedback.

And with the older two, we’ve been talking about where the fighting comes from. I’ve told them about James– where do wars and fightings come from? From our evil desires.

So now, I word it this way:

• Did you want that toy more than you wanted to please God?
• Why were you fighting? and then, Why were you fighting over who gets to let the dog in the house? [the right answer is... because I want to be right; what I want is more important than what sister wants; that's what the Bible calls "lusts"]

Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members? James 4:1

That’s all for today. Have a good weekend with the Lord’s people.

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