19May2008

Forgetting the Sunday School Lesson

Posted by Michelle under: Attention; Using Questions.

Today I asked David what he learned in children’s church. Try as I could, I could not get an answer out of him. I asked him whether he was being a wise listener. He insisted he listened, but he could not remember a single detail about what happened.

It is possible that fatigue had something to do with it. Lee and I were out on a date Saturday night, and the dear babysitter was bamboozled into letting them all stay up until nearly ten o’clock. And David was up around six, which is a bit earlier than normal.

I’m not certain that he cannot remember anything. Because of David’s personality, he doesn’t like pointed questioning. I need wisdom to know how to keep him talking. I’d like to get to a point where we actually discuss the lessons.

Any ideas?

Popularity: 82% [?]

Popularity: 82% [?]

5May2008

Are You Going to Obey?

Posted by Michelle under: Obedience; Using Questions.

One of the questions we ask our children is “Are you going to obey?” This question clarifies that the command is not an optional wish the parents are making, something especially important with very young children. It emphasizes that obedience is a choice, and it communicates my desire for the child to do right.

Some people are concerned that it teaches children to avoid obeying until the last minute (like counting to three, or using the child’s middle name and last name). My response is that if I’m using the question to avoid confrontation, then it’s a problem. But if I’m using it to teach, then I think it’s appropriate.

One of the obedience struggles we’ve been facing with Bethel (age three) is that she bursts into tears when she’s asked to obey. Sometimes she obeys, but often her tears are a delay tactic and are clearly an expression of her resentment.

I’d like to address this issue with her. Yesterday I started asking “Are you going to obey cheerfully?” I’ve also asked several times “Are you going to choose to be cheerful?”

We’ll see how she responds.

Incidentally, I’ve noticed that Bethel and David also cry when they’re angry. I’ve said before “Hitting when you are angry does not work God’s righteousness,” but today I told David “You are crying to show that you are angry.” He stopped and looked at me. I don’t think he had thought of crying as an expression of anger.

Popularity: 49% [?]

Popularity: 49% [?]

7March2008

When They Don’t Ask Questions

Posted by Michelle under: Using Questions.

A typical four year old asks questions, often constantly ad nauseum. My children ask questions, too, but most of the time I’m finding that they keep their questions to themselves. Some parents don’t like questions and discourage their children from asking them. If I discourage questions, it’s because I take them too seriously. Maybe I should start the “long or short answer?” question.

I’ve discovered it’s mostly their personality, not simply the absence of curiosity or inquisitiveness. I’ve also figured out that if I can anticipate or predict a question, I open up the door for more communication. When a strange child is throwing a tantrum in the store, if I broach the subject, they want to talk about it (briefly, without mom going into lecture mode, of course).  If I’m not doing right, they know about it and aren’t saying much, but if I say “Mom wasn’t doing her responsibilities like she should, and now I’m going to ask God to forgive me and help me do right” they listen.

I do have other clues. I watch their eyes. Even a baby tells me what she is interested in by what she watches. When the response is keen interest, when they ask followup questions, I know again that I’ve gotten it right.

Popularity: 14% [?]

Popularity: 14% [?]

25September2007

Am I the Holy Spirit to My Children?

Posted by Michelle under: Using Questions.

Am I the Holy Spirit to my children? I asked Lee this question yesterday as we made the long drive to Carlsbad. His answer was, No, the Holy Spirit can do His job just fine without us.

He’s right, I think. I don’t see any evidence in the Bible of this role for parents. Maybe my lack of knowledge on the role of the Holy Spirit showing up again, but I see this as an important question when considering what happens when the best parenting doesn’t produce the right effects. Now.

Supposing, as Shelley suggested here, that my children understand fully their sin. I’ve done my job to teach them their responsibility, defined terms from God’s Word, evaluated their development and ability to grasp the significance of their actions and thoughts. And still, they choose to sin. What now? HOW CAN I SHEPHERD THEIR HEARTS WHEN THEY DON’T WANT TO BE SHEPHERDED? Where is Ted Tripp when you need him? Am I missing this chapter in his book?

Ahem. Back to the topic. Let’s use bullets to keep my thoughts linear.

• I can (and probably should) regulate the fruits of their sins. We don’t hit, we take turns, we speak respectfully when mom says to obey. This is biblical. God has rules about fruits of sins, too.
• I can (and probably should) continue to make it clear that, although I can regulate what goes on in our household, I cannot regulate what goes on in my children’s hearts. This is also biblical. Jesus made it clear that sin originates from within a person, not without.
• That brings me to the problem: How do I deal with offenses that are motivation-dependent? Truly accidentally knocking a sibling over isn’t necessarily sinful, but shoving a sibling because of conflict is. If a child insists his motives are pure, what should I do?
• If I believe I am the Holy Spirit for my children, I will continue to press the issue. If I do not believe I am the Holy Spirit, I will want to find a point to stop trying to change my children’s heart and let God do it, should He choose to do so. Maybe simply telling the child where my role stops and the Holy Spirit’s role starts is a good place to begin. I guess I know what treasure hunt I’ll be on next.

Popularity: 17% [?]

Popularity: 17% [?]

24September2007

When Using Questions Doesn’t Work

Posted by Michelle under: Using Questions.

I’ve noticed that none of the good child rearing manuals tell you what you should do when the best instructions don’t go according to script. We might be tempted to grow frustrated with the incomplete instruction, but that wouldn’t be wise, would it? I felt this frustration yesterday. I know that asking questions is a good way to teach. Jesus taught with questions all the time. My mom (and others) emphasize good questions as a teaching tool. But I don’t know what to do when my questions get the wrong answers.

I’m not worried about Bethel. When I ask her questions (age 2 and a half), she often gives me the wrong answer. Was that kind? typically receives a bright yes! Asking her How can you love your brother right now? often results in her responding Please stop, will you forgive me, or any other in the litany of correct answers. I’ve started to view this age as one of definitions: this is what kindness looks like, that was disrespectful, this is whining. I still ask the questions, but I also give the answers, and I’ve stopped worrying about her incorrect responses.

David (age 4) is another story. He knows what’s kind, and his language development is mature enough to know what response goes with what offense. Perhaps this is why I was so frustrated yesterday with the questions and answers I was giving and getting.

I’m trying to help him understand that his excessive teasing of his sister is wrong. I’ve talked through First Corinthians 13 with him, and told him that laughing about or enjoying his sister’s displeasure is not loving but sinful. When I ask him questions in an attempt to lead him to understand what he is doing, he insists he is being kind, even though his sister might be wailing and he was running away giggling with some object in hand.

I’ve got some options for responding to this problem.

Perhaps I have not explained or taught the concept. I do think he is capable of understanding it, but it is possible that I’ve assumed knowledge that is not complete enough to draw upon in the middle of a conflict. Maybe I should do some role-play with them. This might be a good thing to suggest to Lee that we do one week for evening devotions.

Perhaps there’s a better way of asking questions. When children are young, the sentence structure of questions can be difficult to understand. Sometimes it takes awhile to figure out the best way at eliciting the child’s understanding. (David’s pediatrician used to ask him, Does your mother throw you out second story windows? and then enjoy my discomfort when David answered yes. He was intentionally teaching me about language development.)

It’s also possible that what I’m doing is fine, and I should continue what I’m already doing.

Tomorrow I’ll take the time to think through this some more.

Popularity: 23% [?]

Popularity: 23% [?]

22May2007

Epiphany

Posted by Michelle under: Using Questions.

I think each personality has certain challenges that come with it. One of the challenges of my quiet (articulate, but quiet) child is keeping him talking. We discovered recently that David is more than willing to talk at night to keep mom or dad in his bedroom. Maybe his reluctance to go to sleep was a need for more connection. In any case, Lee has spent a few minutes the last few nights after the lights are out, asking questions and chatting with David about his day. To our surprise, he’s gone right to sleep afterwards. Before, he’d be calling out many times with some comment or question.

No, he hasn’t said anything earth shattering and deep. So far, their conversations have been about lizards and how to catch them. For David, a specific talking time is a good thing. The deep thoughts will come.

Popularity: 15% [?]

Popularity: 15% [?]

29April2007

What was your Bible lesson about?

Posted by Michelle under: In the Car and on the Go; Using Questions.

Today the kids and I visited a church without Lee, who’s working a twelve hour shift today. It was probably the scariest thing I’ve done so far. Everything else basically has taken just a little more time, but once two kids are strapped into the stroller, life is a lot easier.

After Sunday school, I asked David what the Bible lesson was about. He replied, “Jesus.” Remember this is the kid that hates probing questions, and typically clams up if I’m too direct. It was the beginning of a missions conference at this church, so I asked, “Did you talk about missionaries?” (I’ve found it helps if I have an idea ahead of time of what they talked about.) Yes, he said. I’m a missionary. Oh? Yes, because I talked to someone. I’m not sure he got that one. Not a word about the Holy Spirit, which his Sunday school paper informs me was the subject of the lesson.

Then he said, Some children were naughty. I immediately remembered the short story “Charles” where a delightful little boy entertains his mother about the naughtiest boy at school. At the end of the year, the mother asks the teacher at open house, where little Charles is. The teacher’s answer gives the surprise ending. I’m trying real hard not to react to shocking revelations, since reacting tends to make David stop talking. So, I just asked if those children obeyed the teacher when she told them to behave. (I figured if David was among the naughty ones, he’d talk about it if I kept asking about it in third person– remember the third person trick.) Yes, apparently they did, because the teacher told them only one time to be quiet. Phew!

But the teacher told me David was extremely well behaved. So when David told me he was talking with another boy, I wasn’t sure what to believe. I’m still not sure, but for some reason I got more information than I have in awhile. I’m still figuring out how to keep him talking.

Popularity: 21% [?]

Popularity: 21% [?]

6April2007

Tattling Motivation

Posted by Michelle under: Getting Along; Using Questions.

Lee and I were discussing tattling the other night. He mentioned that there are other motivations besides anger for tattling. For example, some children tattle simply because they have a sense of justice (i.e., I cannot allow anyone else to do anything wrong). If you know a child who has Asperger’s Syndrome, you have probably seen this motivation in action.

I’m not dispensing advice here. But Lee’s observation underscores how important it is to discern the motivation behind the action. Is it anger? Pride? A request for help solving a problem? Until I know why a child is tattling, I cannot respond appropriately. And sometimes, dealing with the motivation takes care of the end problem anyway.

Popularity: 16% [?]

Popularity: 16% [?]

11March2007

Okay?

Posted by Michelle under: Using Questions.

I’m wondering how often I say okay with my children, and whether I have a problem with it.

“We’re going to get you dressed, okay?”

• Is this simply a request for feedback, where the correct response to the question is “Yes, Ma’am”?
• Do I use it for “event changes” more than “obedience commands” ? (We’re going to be leaving in five minutes, okay? versus Pick up your pajamas and put them in the hamper, okay?) I think I am more comfortable with the first situation and not the second.
• Is this a bad habit?

Have to think about this.

Popularity: 15% [?]

Popularity: 15% [?]

9March2007

Car Talk

Posted by Michelle under: In the Car and on the Go; Using Questions.

Yesterday in the car, Bethel started singing “God Is Good,” just those words, over and over again. So I turned off Vivaldi and sang with her a bit. That turned into singing “Let the Little Children Come” and I asked as I have done several times before, “Who said ‘Let the little children come’?” David was silent (as he often is during these discussions; I’ve learned to answer myself when having talks with him). Bethel said “God.” (God must be the right answer to any question about the Bible, right?) So once again I told the wonderful story about the mothers who brought their children to Jesus, were turned away, and drawn back by a loving Lord. That started a discussion about the word forbid. Neither child knew what it meant, so I tried to explain it.

“Forbid means not to allow something. If I forbid you to run in the street, I’m telling you not to.” Then I tried to give all sorts of silly questions with extreme examples: Would mommy forbid you to obey? Would mommy forbid you from hitting your sister? and so on.

They didn’t get it, but they will. Still, it was a fun discussion.

Popularity: 18% [?]

Popularity: 18% [?]