• I asked them if they knew what the most important commands were in the Bible. (I figured they wouldn’t know this)
• I asked them if they could find a place where someone wanted to know why we needed to be born again. (Bethel and David both went to John 3– I want them to feel successful at using their Bibles, so I asked them a challenge I knew they could get.)
• I asked them if they could find a place where the Bible tells us something to think about. (Bethel went to Phil 4:8 and then Psalm 1. I sent David to Psalm 119 and he found a few verses in that chapter.)
• We also read Psalm 103 together, and I asked them if they could find some verses that might help a child who was afraid that God was always mad at him.

Sometimes as I listen in church or read my Bible, I think “Oh, that would be a good verse for my children.” On Sunday I had a whole bunch, all at once, so I had to write them down. On Monday, I really wanted them to get the most important command– love the Lord your God with all heart soul and mind– because of its importance to salvation. For a child who is pretty good at being good– helpful and kind, obedient, listens in Sunday school, really, every teacher’s dream child– he needs to know that without salvation, he is breaking God’s most important command. I want to communicate that being good might assuage our guilty feelings, but it isn’t salvation. I also wanted to balance the command, with an understanding of God’s love and mercy. That’s why we read Psalm 103.

(Btw, I had a good followup conversation in private. I really want salvation conversations to be serious and pleasant, but not oppressive. We are on the same team with our children!)

I have a feeling I’ll be asked to have another silly putty conversation today.Similar Posts:

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The children were all stymied. “Children obey your parents”? We talked about some better possibilities.

Then I asked, “Can you think of a Scripture that reminds us about something good that God has done?”

Again, the answers came, but they were slow. It was interesting to me that although they have many verses of God’s Word memorized, they aren’t as skilled seeing the connection between “real life” and the Bible as I would expect. Especially since we talk about certain verses like “Be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another” on a daily basis.

After a short lull, my David (!) asked for more questions like this, and I asked some more.

What should I read if I am discouraged?

What should I read if my brother or sister is mean to me?

I tried to ask questions that related to verses that I knew were fresh in their minds. It was fun, and I want to do it again.

What I learned was that I need to do better at getting my children to draw on their knowledge. I am too quick to give the answers, give the verses, throughout my days. It was a good reminder that I need to cut back on lectures. I think I can at least ask a few questions before I give the answers, don’t you think?

I’ll keep you posted.Similar Posts:

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Why are there grapes in your bed?

For what purpose did you take cherries upstairs?

Are these raisins in this cup? How did they get here?

Is this a pile of powder on the bathroom sink? How did it get here?

When you are tired, you must pay attention to be quick to hear,  slow to speak, slow to anger.

Were you quick to hear, or quick to anger?

Did you ask your sibling to stop, or did you just start screaming?

NO! You cannot wear that to bed!

No, you cannot wear tennis shoes to church.

It’s okay to get a bandaid without telling mommy, but… how did you cut your toe with a hanger?

If you swept the floor, why are there papers, pencils, and toys on it still?

Life doesn’t have to be fair.

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• Is this something you want to talk about another time?
• Would you like to talk later about how I can help you with this?
• When would you like to talk about this?

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• After eating, “Are you satisfied?”  [as opposed to, "Are you full?" I want our children to know that being satisfied is better than being full. I am wondering whether filling them up is somewhat akin to encouraging gluttony. I dunno.]
• After church, “What did you learn?” [as opposed to, "Did you have fun in church?" Again, I'm wondering whether I'm communicating my primary expectation that Sunday school was a success if children had fun. I don't think that's the most important thing, so I want my questions to reflect my priorities.]
• After spending time with friends, “Are they godly friends?” [followups: Are they kind to the little children? Do they obey the teacher? Do they obey their mom? Are they wise? Truthfully, my children don’t know the answers to these questions, but I want them in the habit of remembering criteria for choosing good friends. There will come a day when they can answer those questions.
• After a sports practice: “Were you teachable? Were you humble?” David always answers yes. But again, I want to teach him my priority in athletics. We spent quite a bit of time talking today about competition, and how an athlete can try to be the best, and still be humble.
• Lately, after something really exciting or fun that has happened, “Would Solomon say that wisdom is better than X?” We’re talking a lot about how knowing God, and finding wisdom is better than anything else we could desire. The children all know the right answer by now…. Praying that they’ll believe it.

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After that line of questioning left me a little convicted (because God has been teaching me things, although I haven’t been “feeling” as good about spiritual things lately). Then I started a different direction of self-questioning. No matter why you have been silent, you should now use this opportunity to talk. Hmmm, what about? Well, the easiest thing is to talk about what God is doing in your own life.

I never got that far, because I asked instead “What has God done for us this week?” My faith that God is working in my children is small. I did not expect a substantive answer.

But David said “Well, we’ve been busy this week. God has helped us to work hard.”

I was nearly speechless. It was true. I pray about that at breakfast sometimes. What’s funny is that, while I was busy working, and not paying attention to spiritual things, David reminded me that God was working in my life, on my behalf. Moreover, God was at work in David’s heart to show him His work.

I got distracted. The conversation ended. Perhaps, though, I can follow up that talk with prayer and a discussion at the breakfast table in the morning.

Increase my faith, Lord.

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I have been praying for our home to reflect the joy and peace that marked Christ’s coming so long ago. It’s been hard this week, because I’ve been sick and rather irritable. I’ve had to ask forgiveness of my children more than once, and I probably need to ask it again after they wake up from their nap.

Here is the question I want to discuss with them next, joyfully:

Is Heaven better than Christmas?

Of course, the answer is yes. In fact, it gets better. Christ is better than Christmas.

It’s the reference point that seems useful to me. For a child, presents and candy and parties all in the space of a few weeks is overwhelmingly wonderful. How much better is Christ? In this way, the whole holiday becomes a metaphor and teaching tool, of tremendous value because the excitement is accessible to children. Here is the passage I keep thinking of:

But, as it is written,

“What no eye has seen, nor ear heard,
nor the heart of man imagined,
what God has prepared for those who love him”—

these things God has revealed to us through the Spirit. For the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God. For who knows a person’s thoughts except the spirit of that person, which is in him? So also no one comprehends the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. 12Now^(U) we have received not^(V) the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, that we might understand the things freely given us by God.I Corinthians 2:9-12

You can sense the excitement and anticipation in this passage. We can’t even imagine what God is preparing for us, but God has given us His Spirit, and has promised that He will help us learn and understand all those wonderful things about our Savior.

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• Make eye contact. Yes, stop looking at dishes, that book, or the computer screen.
• Ban “uh huh” as a response. It’s pretty obvious that this response is a half-hearted, uninterested gesture.
• Ask a followup question. If child asks, “Do you like my picture?” don’t say “yes, it’s beautiful.”Say that, but then ask what the strange brown dots all over mommy’s face are for.  It doesn’t matter what you ask, just as long as it relates to the original statement or question from the child.
• Don’t jump to conclusions, and don’t react too quickly. I remember David wanting me to listen to his rock song. I was a little nervous at first, until I realized that he had a rock on the piano and was making up a ROCK SONG. Those kind are okay. I jump to conclusions pretty fast, so this is a hard one for me.

What if your child isn’t a talker?

• What I’m learning is that they ask more questions when I’m a better listener.
• They also ask more questions than I think, once I start paying attention.
• Ask questions during mealtime or in the car. Ask, “Did you notice that….” and then ask them “Why do you think mommy did that?” [or some other relevant followup] I’ve learned that my non-talker is very observant and this approach always seems to get the conversation started. My middle child isn’t always very observant in the same way, and she benefits from my drawing her attention to something important.
• Find the times and ways when they will talk, even if it’s inconvenient to you.

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]]> http://www.as4me.net/2008/11/13/ways-to-be-a-better-listener/feed/ 2 http://www.as4me.net/2008/10/23/secrets-told-and-kept/ http://www.as4me.net/2008/10/23/secrets-told-and-kept/#comments Thu, 23 Oct 2008 13:35:27 +0000 Michelle http://www.as4me.net/?p=996 We’ve told our children that if anyone tells them to keep a secret, they should come talk to mom and dad about it. We do this for their protection, primarily, and we’ve said it several times, but we’ve never had a response.

The other day, while the girls were still sleeping, David stood on one foot and told me about a secret one of his friends told him. It was harmless, and I explained that this was an okay secret to keep, that he shouldn’t tell his sisters, and that he did the right thing to come talk to mom. I asked several questions, and he chatted about the situation.

I was elated, mostly because this is a child who doesn’t often open a window into his soul, and I struggle to trust God with what I don’t know, even as I try to learn how to listen to him. Similar Posts:

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]]> http://www.as4me.net/2008/10/23/secrets-told-and-kept/feed/ 0 http://www.as4me.net/2008/09/26/hasty-conclusions/ http://www.as4me.net/2008/09/26/hasty-conclusions/#comments Fri, 26 Sep 2008 16:09:41 +0000 Michelle http://www.as4me.net/?p=922 Jay Younts has been talking about questions and answers, and I’ve been thinking quite a bit about about what he’s saying. I know I need to be a better listener. One way I can is to ask followup questions to their statements, instead of assuming I understand what they’re saying. Asking for clarification or elaboration is one way to continue to keep the conversation flowing.

I can think of a number of serious examples, but this morning I had to laugh when Bethel mentioned that her sister had green eyes. Without thinking, I corrected her, No, Laurel’s eyes are blue, not green. About ten minutes later, I realized that Bethel was correct.
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