As4Me Thinking through the process of finding wisdom.

A typical four year old asks questions, often constantly ad nauseum. My children ask questions, too, but most of the time I’m finding that they keep their questions to themselves. Some parents don’t like questions and discourage their children from asking them. If I discourage questions, it’s because I take them too seriously. Maybe I should start the “long or short answer?” question.

I’ve discovered it’s mostly their personality, not simply the absence of curiosity or inquisitiveness. I’ve also figured out that if I can anticipate or predict a question, I open up the door for more communication. When a strange child is throwing a tantrum in the store, if I broach the subject, they want to talk about it (briefly, without mom going into lecture mode, of course).  If I’m not doing right, they know about it and aren’t saying much, but if I say “Mom wasn’t doing her responsibilities like she should, and now I’m going to ask God to forgive me and help me do right” they listen.

I do have other clues. I watch their eyes. Even a baby tells me what she is interested in by what she watches. When the response is keen interest, when they ask followup questions, I know again that I’ve gotten it right.

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Continue reading When They Don’t Ask Questions

Am I the Holy Spirit to my children? I asked Lee this question yesterday as we made the long drive to Carlsbad. His answer was, No, the Holy Spirit can do His job just fine without us.

He’s right, I think. I don’t see any evidence in the Bible of this role for parents. Maybe my lack of knowledge on the role of the Holy Spirit showing up again, but I see this as an important question when considering what happens when the best parenting doesn’t produce the right effects. Now.

Supposing, as Shelley suggested here, that my children understand fully their sin. I’ve done my job to teach them their responsibility, defined terms from God’s Word, evaluated their development and ability to grasp the significance of their actions and thoughts. And still, they choose to sin. What now? HOW CAN I SHEPHERD THEIR HEARTS WHEN THEY DON’T WANT TO BE SHEPHERDED? Where is Ted Tripp when you need him? Am I missing this chapter in his book?

Ahem. Back to the topic. Let’s use bullets to keep my thoughts linear.

• I can (and probably should) regulate the fruits of their sins. We don’t hit, we take turns, we speak respectfully when mom says to obey. This is biblical. God has rules about fruits of sins, too.
• I can (and probably should) continue to make it clear that, although I can regulate what goes on in our household, I cannot regulate what goes on in my children’s hearts. This is also biblical. Jesus made it clear that sin originates from within a person, not without.
• That brings me to the problem: How do I deal with offenses that are motivation-dependent? Truly accidentally knocking a sibling over isn’t necessarily sinful, but shoving a sibling because of conflict is. If a child insists his motives are pure, what should I do?
• If I believe I am the Holy Spirit for my children, I will continue to press the issue. If I do not believe I am the Holy Spirit, I will want to find a point to stop trying to change my children’s heart and let God do it, should He choose to do so. Maybe simply telling the child where my role stops and the Holy Spirit’s role starts is a good place to begin. I guess I know what treasure hunt I’ll be on next.

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Continue reading Am I the Holy Spirit to My Children?

I’ve noticed that none of the good child rearing manuals tell you what you should do when the best instructions don’t go according to script. We might be tempted to grow frustrated with the incomplete instruction, but that wouldn’t be wise, would it? I felt this frustration yesterday. I know that asking questions is a good way to teach. Jesus taught with questions all the time. My mom (and others) emphasize good questions as a teaching tool. But I don’t know what to do when my questions get the wrong answers.

I’m not worried about Bethel. When I ask her questions (age 2 and a half), she often gives me the wrong answer. Was that kind? typically receives a bright yes! Asking her How can you love your brother right now? often results in her responding Please stop, will you forgive me, or any other in the litany of correct answers. I’ve started to view this age as one of definitions: this is what kindness looks like, that was disrespectful, this is whining. I still ask the questions, but I also give the answers, and I’ve stopped worrying about her incorrect responses.

David (age 4) is another story. He knows what’s kind, and his language development is mature enough to know what response goes with what offense. Perhaps this is why I was so frustrated yesterday with the questions and answers I was giving and getting.

I’m trying to help him understand that his excessive teasing of his sister is wrong. I’ve talked through First Corinthians 13 with him, and told him that laughing about or enjoying his sister’s displeasure is not loving but sinful. When I ask him questions in an attempt to lead him to understand what he is doing, he insists he is being kind, even though his sister might be wailing and he was running away giggling with some object in hand.

I’ve got some options for responding to this problem.

Perhaps I have not explained or taught the concept. I do think he is capable of understanding it, but it is possible that I’ve assumed knowledge that is not complete enough to draw upon in the middle of a conflict. Maybe I should do some role-play with them. This might be a good thing to suggest to Lee that we do one week for evening devotions.

Perhaps there’s a better way of asking questions. When children are young, the sentence structure of questions can be difficult to understand. Sometimes it takes awhile to figure out the best way at eliciting the child’s understanding. (David’s pediatrician used to ask him, Does your mother throw you out second story windows? and then enjoy my discomfort when David answered yes. He was intentionally teaching me about language development.)

It’s also possible that what I’m doing is fine, and I should continue what I’m already doing.

Tomorrow I’ll take the time to think through this some more.

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Continue reading When Using Questions Doesn’t Work

I think each personality has certain challenges that come with it. One of the challenges of my quiet (articulate, but quiet) child is keeping him talking. We discovered recently that David is more than willing to talk at night to keep mom or dad in his bedroom. Maybe his reluctance to go to sleep was a need for more connection. In any case, Lee has spent a few minutes the last few nights after the lights are out, asking questions and chatting with David about his day. To our surprise, he’s gone right to sleep afterwards. Before, he’d be calling out many times with some comment or question.

No, he hasn’t said anything earth shattering and deep. So far, their conversations have been about lizards and how to catch them. For David, a specific talking time is a good thing. The deep thoughts will come.

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I’m wondering how often I say okay with my children, and whether I have a problem with it.

“We’re going to get you dressed, okay?”

• Is this simply a request for feedback, where the correct response to the question is “Yes, Ma’am”?
• Do I use it for “event changes” more than “obedience commands” ? (We’re going to be leaving in five minutes, okay? versus Pick up your pajamas and put them in the hamper, okay?) I think I am more comfortable with the first situation and not the second.
• Is this a bad habit?

Have to think about this.

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Continue reading Okay?