14July2008

Complementarian/ Egalitarian

Posted by Michelle under: Modesty and Purity.

David received some money for his birthday, and decided to purchase an airplane model. I took him to the model store in town, and started reading off all the plane titles and telling him which ones he could afford. After a short minute, I could sense his frustration. He didn’t want mom telling him what to buy, and he wanted to shop in peace.

So I stepped aside and chatted with the wife of the store owner, while David navigated his purchase. Later I thought about the quality of taking initiative and developing a sense of leadership as a masculine trait. I was pleased to have a situation where I could safely allow him to exercise some autonomy.

But then I started thinking that for every masculine trait I could think of, it seemed as though I could think of the same trait either commanded to Christians in general (including women), or directly to women. Am I turning egalitarian? Yikes!

Popularity: 10% [?]

Popularity: 10% [?]

1July2008

No Hugging?

Posted by Michelle under: Modesty and Purity.

Since I’ve had several questions about this post, I decided to make some explanations a regular post. [The real reason is that I spent a lot of time on this topic, and I don't want to waste the energy, so to speak.]

To clarify, I don’t at this point forbid our children from hugging family friends or adults. I have discouraged physical affection among peers.

There are two issues here. First, I recognize how vulnerable young children are to abuse. Second, I am attentive to the patterns of relationships they are establishing from an early age.

We know that most children who are sexually abused knew their abuser. They are more at risk from a relative or close family friend than a stranger driving by their house on a whim and grabbing them. That doesn’t mean that I’m suspicious of any and all male relatives and friends, but I am careful.

Everyone is going to draw the line in different places. Specific family situations will make a difference in the comfort among one’s own family. I’m much more concerned about people, even good friends, whom I know far less about.

This is one reason I don’t encourage our children to hug and kiss dear friends, but it is not the main reason.

I don’t want the place of affection between my children and unrelated peers and adults to be common and normal. Realistically, when you have two eighteen month olds hugging and kissing, it’s sweet. At some point, it will cease to become sweet and become instead troubling to a parent. Ditto for bikinis on toddlers. The only difference between my position and other parents is that I am drawing the line at an earlier age than other people. I don’t intend to start teaching modesty and purity when my child hits puberty; I want these concepts to be a normal part of our family now. This makes the most sense to me, although certainly sensible parents make different choices than I have. Their situations are different, and God must give each parent the wisdom to respond accordingly. Even in my own situation, I’m addressing the issue earlier than I would like. Ideally, I’d be teaching by example and what I encourage (or don’t encourage). That would probably be sufficient with most children.

The age of my children, the particular set of peers they have (saved and unsaved), their personalities all have influenced the timing of our discussions. My conversations have been directed primarily with my five year old.

From my experience, I cannot say that an awkwardness with affection among unrelated persons necessarily translates to a difficulty developing physical intimacy with a new husband. We are an affectionate family. My husband regularly expresses physical affection with his children and me. Because I was taught a context for physical affection (i.e., marriage), when God gave that context I was quite comfortable making the transition from single life to married life.

I think the teaching of my parents by example and word was critical. Affection and physical intimacy are good, and they never communicated that these things were sinful and shameful. I want my children as they get older to develop the discernment to understand appropriate contexts for touch. I don’t want them to jump when a friend pats them on the shoulder. I don’t want my son to turn his back on a young lady who has slipped on the ice. I am praying for wisdom to know how to communicate these things as well.

Popularity: 37% [?]

Popularity: 37% [?]

26June2008

Vacations and Godliness

Posted by Michelle under: In the Car and on the Go.

I found an excellent article on family vacations. It was written to fathers and husbands, but I found it quite challenging for myself. We spend much time preparing for a vacation: oil changed, laundry, house cleaned, finding ways to keep the children happy on a road trip. How about spending time preparing spiritually for the vacation?

Am I looking to be served on vacation? Will I remember that sin does not ever go on vacation, and prepare accordingly? Will I consider others’ desires more important than my own desires? Am I preparing myself for the challenge that I usually find in spending time reading my Bible when I’m away from home? Am I praying about how I will live out the gospel while I am gone?

Guess I should get to work!

Popularity: 37% [?]

Popularity: 37% [?]

23June2008

A Girl/ Guy Talk

Posted by Michelle under: Modesty and Purity.

Awhile back, we talked about good touching and bad touching.

At one point, I said, “It’s not good to touch someone…” and Bethel finished “when you have dirty hands.” Yes, we’re off to a good start.

I started out talking about mommies and daddies. They like to touch each other. They kiss, and sleep together because they are married. Mommy doesn’t hug other daddies at church, does she? [Yes, I realize that some mommies do] The idea is that God made a context for touching. Touching is good in the right context.

We want to prepare ahead of time for responding to inappropriate touching. It means that some innocent touching is discouraged, but especially when children are young, they are vulnerable.

This is what I told our children they could say “I want to be your friend, but I don’t want to hug you.”

One child responded, “But I like to hug them.” All right, hug your cousins, then.

I’m reminding myself that teaching is a process, not merely a series of lectures.

Popularity: 47% [?]

Popularity: 47% [?]

2June2008

Problem Solving: Picking Up Toys

Posted by Michelle under: Chores.

A baby just learning to walk is old enough to dump out all the toys in the toy box, but getting him to pick them up might be another story. What is a mother to do?

If you didn’t read the first problem solving post, you’ll find it helpful to read it first.

First, let’s brainstorm the possible underlying contributions.

• With an infant, I always ask whether he understands what I am asking him to do.
• Is he overwhelmed?
• Is he sinfully refusing to obey? (Clues I look for: has he already demonstrated an ability to do what I am asking? does he run away when I try to help him obey? does he cry when I help him obey? If I hand him a toy, does he drop it and turn away)
• It is possible that the underlying motivations are a combination of sinful and developmental/ personality ?

What parental contributions might be contributing to the difficulty?

• I might have too big of a toy bucket.
• I might be waiting until all the toys are gone?
• I might be preoccupied with my own tasks: cleaning house or checking email, and am unwilling to teach or help him learn to clean up.
• I might be tentative, not really knowing what to do when he doesn’t pick anything up.
• I might find it easier and faster to pick everything up when he goes to sleep.

What should he put off?

• If he’s disobeying, then I want him to put away disobedience.
• If it’s not all deliberate disobedience (which is likely with a baby or young toddler) I want to put off a lack of understanding, and replace it with understanding. I expect to see childish behavior with a child that is not a sin issue; he merely needs to be taught and encouraged.
  

  When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. I Corinthians 13:11

• I want to replace discouragement with encouragement. Sometimes even after my children know to obey, they are easily overwhelmed. I’ve misinterpreted their lack of action as rebellious behavior.
  

What should he put on?

• obedience
• putting some toys away
• I’ve noticed that it doesn’t seem to matter how many toys he puts away. I’ve also noticed how my actions can make a large difference in his discouragement and apparent overwhelmed feelings.

The following passage is an interesting one to consider. We understand that discouragement is often a result of a lack of hope in God. Our tendency when we see a discouraged person is to encourage him by rebuking him, but God dealt with such a man differently than, say, David who had sinned with Bathsheba. Look and see:

But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree: and he requested for himself that he might die; and said, It is enough; now, O LORD, take away my life; for I am not better than my fathers. And as he lay and slept under a juniper tree, behold, then an angel touched him, and said unto him, Arise and eat. And he looked, and, behold, there was a cake baken on the coals, and a cruse of water at his head. And he did eat and drink, and laid him down again.

And the angel of the LORD came again the second time, and touched him, and said, Arise and eat; because the journey is too great for thee. And he arose, and did eat and drink, and went in the strength of that meat forty days and forty nights unto Horeb the mount of God. I Kings 19:4

Notice also this New Testament passage that describes different ways of responding to different kinds of people.

Now we exhort you, brethren, warn them that are unruly, comfort the feebleminded, support the weak, be patient toward all men. I Thessalonians 5:14

That’s all for today. Tomorrow, we’ll look at something a bit more complex.

Popularity: 48% [?]

Popularity: 48% [?]

15May2008

Teaching Purity: Where to Start

Posted by Michelle under: Modesty and Purity.

A few days ago, I mentioned that I wanted to teach our children appropriate physical contact between boys and girls. I’ve been praying for wisdom in this area. Am I being too sensitive? Am I worrying too much? Does God’s Word have anything that will guide me as I teach my young children to be pure?

On a whim, I did an internet search on teaching purity to children. Two of the books I saw mentioned were ones I’ve heard of before but not picked up: The Princess and the Kiss or the guy equivalent The Squire and the Scroll. Maybe I will someday. I looked them up recently to see if they would be good to add to our library. When I read the summaries, particularly with a son in mind (since he’s my oldest. I’ll be thinking about my daughters soon enough), I started feeling dissatisfied with this approach (although I’m certain these books have been a blessing and useful tool for teaching purity).

It’s not that they’re saying anything unbiblical, as far as I can tell. It’s just that King Solomon compiled a whole book in part designed to help young people be pure. Why not start there? I was convicted that I was looking for a book, someone’s words, maybe a nice bulleted list or step by step instructions somewhere, without first considering what the Bible had to say. Have you ever done this?

So this afternoon I opened Proverbs while thinking about purity and my children. I was struck that I’m worried about a fruit (kids touching) without even thinking about the roots (in a sense wisdom). My children need to learn to love wisdom. That was Solomon’s emphasis quite a bit before he began talking about the “strange woman” (the immoral woman in the Bible).

I’m not giving up on the topic, but I’m thinking that this is where I’m going to start my searching for wisdom on this topic.

There are some other purity places in the Bible, but I don’t want to get that specific yet! I might not bring up this topic for awhile, but I’ll be reading God’s Word and thinking and praying.

Popularity: 50% [?]

Popularity: 50% [?]

12May2008

Teaching Preschoolers Purity

Posted by Michelle under: Modesty and Purity.

I’m wrestling with communicating appropriate ways of boys and girls interacting.

On one hand, I want to teach them the sanctity of marriage. It makes just as little sense to start teaching principles of purity when they hit puberty as starting to teach girls modesty when they suddenly look provocative in a bikini. I want biblical principles explained on a preschool level. Maybe I should start by looking at biblical principles, eh?

At the same time, I don’t want to make my children on edge any time they are near someone of the opposite gender. I don’t want them afraid to extend a hand to help someone up. I don’t want them squealing if someone hugs them. I don’t want them being rude if someone has a different idea of purity than we do (although telling somebody “No thank you” is going to be uncomfortable, no matter how kindly one says it).

When I was a preschooler, it was a given that I kissed only my daddy. When the pastor of our church picked me up one Sunday and said, “Can I have a little sugar?” I sputtered in his face. I didn’t know what to say, but I did not want to kiss him. I also remember getting teased by my extended family for kissing a boy in first grade. I didn’t really kiss him; I was behind him in line and kissed his sweater. He never knew what happened.

The problem is, the simple “we don’t do that” and “it’s better to wait until you’re a mommy or daddy” hasn’t been effective. The gleam in their eyes says “but it’s fun” and I know I’m not being convincing enough.

They’re figuring out the difference between physical affection between mommy and daddy, and physical affection among immediate family, and the physical affection among extended family. This is an extended puzzle for me. I do not have any quick answers, but I am confident that God will give me the wisdom I need as I seek Him first.

Popularity: 45% [?]

Popularity: 45% [?]

8May2008

Attempting to be Modest

Posted by Michelle under: Modesty and Purity.

Note: Yes, I forgot that yesterday was Wisdom Wednesday. I switched my schedule around and I got mixed up. Next week, we’ll be back on schedule.

Our girls wear shorts under their dresses. Partly they do this because hanging upside down on the jungle bars in a dress isn’t very modest, and our little girls are still learning how to act modestly. We try to keep coordinated shorts on hand (I pick them up inexpensively at the end of summer), and it’s a part of their wardrobe.

There’s another reason our girls wear shorts under their dresses, and it’s one I’m just thinking about.

The other day, Lee mentioned that the particular pair of shorts that Bethel was wearing were too short and looked like underwear. He was right of course. As a result of that conversation, I started considering the difference between being modest and pursuing modesty. I finally came to a conclusion.

At this stage, it’s more important that she attempt to be modest than whether she’s actually modest.

Here is why. Modesty develops from the inside out.

Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. I Peter 3:3-4

Our daughter must value modesty before she pursues it: we want her to know that modesty is something to be treasured, and immodesty is beneath her dignity. One of the ways I can help with that is something I find surprisingly difficult, praising her for being or looking modest. We’re also still working on teaching her how to act: don’t pull your dress up, watch how you sit, don’t come out of the bedroom with your shirt stuck around your head.

Because she is a little girl, she is immature in her understanding of modesty. As she grows older, she’s going to understand better what modesty looks like on the outside. Right now, she’s quite capable of understand the concept of modesty and the value of it. Having shorts under her dresses is simply one way to help her pursue modesty, even as her understanding of modesty continues to develop.

Tonight I helped Bethel get dressed, and I told her to close the door. I know, she said. Now I will be modest! It’s not that she was feeling immodest; but asking her to close the door helped her to be aware of the pursuit of modesty. Even at the age of three.

What do you think?

Popularity: 33% [?]

Popularity: 33% [?]

7May2008

Winning the Food War

Posted by Michelle under: Mealtime.

I’ve been thinking about how simple routines with babies establish authority and lay a foundation for teaching obedience later on. What’s fun is that there’s a lot of freedom in how we teach authority and obedience. Mealtime is one situation where we generally manipulate the environment to avoid battles, but we still manage to stay in control. It’s just one way of many that parents choose to order their mealtime.

Since it’s a losing battle to force a child to swallow food he doesn’t want to, we take a different approach.

We generally require two bites of anything I make, but that’s all. If they don’t eat much for dinner, they’ll eat a big breakfast and be fine.

However, if our children want fruit or dessert at mealtime, they have to eat more. We determine how much they have to eat in a very unscientific formula of how distasteful the food is, how able they are to understand the concept of if/then, and what their “breaking point” is.

For example, the other night we had lentil soup. David and Laurel didn’t like it. We told David (almost five) he had to eat all of his soup if he wanted dessert (which is a rare occasion when we don’t have company; usually the incentive is fruit). He wanted the dessert, so he ate the soup (a half cup), even though he was really having a hard time swallowing the food without gagging (I do have some compassion; I’ll wait awhile before making this soup again.)

Laurel (18 months), on the other hand, doesn’t understand the words “if you eat all your soup, you can have your chocolate mousse.” She hears “have your chocolate mousse” and becomes angry when it doesn’t come right away. She also doesn’t have the attention span to eat the whole bowl before she gets dessert. To keep from overly frustrating her beyond the breaking point, I simply told her she could have a bite of mousse when she ate a bite of soup. She didn’t understand that, so I got a spoonful of mousse and put it on her tray. Then I tried to give her a spoonful of soup. She finally understood, but she didn’t like it.

No problem. I have defined the winnable battle: first soup; then mousse. She cried for a few minutes (it was hard, but I ignored her), but she really wanted that chocolate on her tray, so she finally picked up the spoon full of mousse. I then gave her a tiny spoonful of soup, which she reluctantly ate. Then she ate her mousse. She wanted more, so I got another spoonful of mousse, put it on the tray, and offered a bite of soup. Again, she ate the offered soup. In this way, she ate the entire bowl of soup.

Later, I’ll require two bites, and then a bite of dessert. When she can handle that, I’ll keep increasing the goal until she eats the whole portion like her older brother and sister.

There are other ways of handling mealtime challenges. Want to share?

Popularity: 37% [?]

Popularity: 37% [?]

29February2008

Modesty with a Three Year Old

Posted by Michelle under: Modesty and Purity.

I’m entering brand new territory with my girls. We’re teaching them modesty, and I’m coming to the conclusion that modesty is inconvenient.

My goal is simple. I want to teach them to love modesty when they’re young so that they love modesty when they’re teenagers and adults. That goal has given me some challenges.

Right now, it’s simply helping our daughters not run through the house to go get a new change of clothes, closing the door when changing, and helping them not to pull up their skirts to show their Dora underpants to the pastor. Simple, but inconvenient. It’s easier to sit in the living room to help Bethel remove a shirt, rather than getting up to go to the room to help her. It’s easier to give one bath to three children (something we’ve done until fairly recently) than one bath for girls and one bath for boys.

Choosing clothes is a recent challenge. Baby girls are easy. People love to see baby girls in dresses and sweet outfits, and they’re easy to find. After you hit size four or five, sweet is often out, and pouty is in. It’s possible to find sweet clothes, but you pay for the look. Land’s End has great choices for girls. So does Gymboree, but they’re more expensive, unless you catch sales at the right time. So far, I’ve had great success at a particular thrift store by my parents’ house; however, I’m noticing that as Bethel gets older, there are far fewer dresses that I like. Play dresses and machine-washable church dresses in particular are becoming scarce, so I’ve been stocking up when I see them. Even if the price is 5.99 and tomorrow will be half off, I snatch up dresses that are in good condition and styled for a little girl (rather than a tiny teenager). I have found that at this age, size four dresses are a better choice than size three (her size in anything else) because the major difference is length. I don’t particularly like short skirts, even at the preschool age. It’s inconvenient to find dresses because I dislike shopping (when I go thrift shopping I’d rather look for books). It’s inconvenient because I live in a rural town where the typical clothing choices are limited to Disney and Dora clothes. Thrift stores take time and are not easy with three children wanting to play with all the toys and pull the romance novels off the shelves.

Modesty is also keeping their hair looking nice and their faces clean. I need to do better at this. I also tend to put my own appearance low on the priority list, and I’m not the greatest style diva. It’s not convenient to put that a higher priority, but it is a choice of modesty to do so. I don’t want my own children or other children growing up embarrassed at the “modest but unkempt” woman.

Most recently I’ve discovered that if I want my daughter to be comfortable in skirts and dresses, then I must wear skirts and dresses more often. She notices what I wear. I’ve noticed that when I wear pants all the time, she wants to as well. Since I want her to be comfortable wearing feminine clothes, I need to set an example. That means I need to be looking for skirts that are mommy-friendly, but don’t look dumpy. If finding clothes for little girls is a difficult path, finding clothes for mommies is tortuous.

I don’t have to worry about color with Bethel. On her own, she’s decided she likes pink, not blue. This is inconvenient. Rather than purchase new winter pajamas, I pulled out some of David’s blue ones. She protested. I could have chided her, told her to stop being silly, but then I’d be undermining what I want to her be as a young lady. Instead, I embroidered a few purple flowers and she’s happy. I also want to find feminine pants for her, and that’s a challenge. I’m looking for feminine colors or embroidery, feminine tops. Femininity is a total look, not often a single article of clothing.

Modesty is inconvenient, often difficult, and frequently challenging. I’d rather not worry about it now when it “doesn’t matter,” but I truly believe that it is worth worrying about, worth the inconvenience to teach it now. I’m thankful for a mom who took the time to teach me while I was small, and I’d like to pass that heritage on to my children.

Popularity: 38% [?]

Popularity: 38% [?]