As4Me Thinking through the process of finding wisdom.

Beginning of my day was good, ending was good, middle was not so good. So a short post for today.

Part of the problem with teaching my two daughters to work is that I’m still learning to work. Discomfort is not something that I like, and that can be a problem when there’s work to be done. One of the things I’ve been telling Bethel and Laurel is “You are strengthening your arms to work like the virtuous woman.” They like that. Yes, the boys show their muscles and we know that women are the “weaker vessel.” But that doesn’t mean we are weak. We have the responsibility to be strong.

I need the lecture, too!

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Continue reading Strengthening Arms to Work

As I think about chores, I’m realizing that regardless of my actions, I need to make some changes in my attitude. The wrath of man does not work God’s righteousness. So this week and next, I’ll be working on some areas in my own life that need attention.

As for my children, I could launch right into establishing consequences for inadequate obedience, but the thought has occurred to me that I probably should do some teaching first. So, in the next few days, I’m going to talk deliberately about work (not just when I’m irritated that they’re not doing what I expect, as I’ve been doing).

Where shall I start? I’ve alluded to

For even when we were with you, we commanded you this: If anyone will not work, neither shall he eat. II Thessalonians 3:10

I think we’ll talk about this first. As part of connecting work and eating, I need to be more consistent getting things cleaned up before mealtimes rather than after or worse, when the inspiration hits. I think that routine will be helpful for us all.

The ant passage is another good one. Perhaps it would be a good thing to purchase an ant farm, too. I remember last fall I made ant headbands for the children and they worked diligently for awhile. Maybe I should get those back out when we reread the ant passage. I suppose our children are like us adults; we need repetition occasionally.

Go to the ant, you sluggard!
Consider her ways and be wise,
7 Which, having no captain,
Overseer or ruler,
8 Provides her supplies in the summer,
And gathers her food in the harvest.
9 How long will you slumber, O sluggard?
When will you rise from your sleep?
10 A little sleep, a little slumber,
A little folding of the hands to sleep—
11 So shall your poverty come on you like a prowler,
And your need like an armed man. Proverbs 6:6-11

That’s all for now.

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Continue reading Chores: Biblical Instruction

Although I have successes and failures when chores are concerned, and some weeks I seem to see progress in cleanup attitudes, I have found myself frustrated a number of times lately. My responses don’t seem to be making a difference in the lives of my children, and I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong or how to fix the problem. I guess that means it’s time to think through things more systematically.

In short, all the children have been consistently having a problem doing chores cheerfully and moderately efficiently. David does adequately most of the time, but I’ve been frustrated (i.e., angry) more than once when he’s taken inordinate amounts of time to accomplish a simple task, or gets distracted with an unpleasant task. Bethel still is having a hard time doing chores, period. She doesn’t like doing them, she’s easily overwhelmed and tearful, and even with help is extremely distractable and  slow. I try to limit Laurel to single commands (nothing like “clean up your room” or even “pick up all the books”) but she’s not the greatest at obeying in this context.

When I work on a problem that needs to be solved, I first consider the normal development of my kids. Yes, the child who is struggling the worst is at an age (4) where life is overwhelming quickly. And her personality is intense. I also remember that my five year old went through a time where he was quickly overwhelmed, too, giving me hope that at least some of the difficulty with my younger child will probably go away on its own, assuming I respond correctly in other ways. Baby is still in that time of learning to obey, so I know that persistence is important with her.

Some practical changes may help:

• Establish routine. Yes, once again I’m learning that for children, routine is my friend. For the tasks that happen predictably and exactly the same time and way, they all do seem to do better.
• Limit mess. Yes, I’m learning that not letting things get out of hand is helpful for Bethel, especially. The problem is that anything she plays with involves numerous props and pieces. I can limit what she gets out, but often, it’s all a part of the game she’s playing. David can usually can keep his bedroom clean if I stay consistent with regular cleanup times. This is not an issue for Laurel since I have her do only one task at a time, and she is not usually the one who makes the biggest mess.
• Eliminate toys. Many parents eliminate toys as a strategy. I’m all for that, but lately the problem isn’t all the toys, it’s a stack of books taken to bed, plus clothes dumped out of the drawers to find a special shirt for naptime, and the pillows, blankets, stuffed animals, and so on that are a part of the “zoo game” or the “frog game.” None of these things are really possibilities for elimination. More storage doesn’t seem to be the problem, either. We have sufficient bins and shelves for all their belongings.
• Make cleaning a happy time. I struggle with this. I am not a game person, and when I’ve tried to make cleanup a happy time, it doesn’t seem to make a difference. I could start some chore charts. Putting on happy music does make a positive difference, and my children often will put it on themselves when cleaning. As well, I’ve been working on showing my kids how thinking negatively affects their willingness to clean. I think that’s helping, but then some days I’m not so sure.
• Examine how I may contribute to the problem. Here’s where I start to think about spiritual problems and solutions. Inconsistency may be a culprit, particularly with following through with commands. I know I can do better, particularly with Laurel. I do need more of the fruit of the spirit, and I do know that when I’m doing right, I’m far more patient, loving,  and self-controlled with my children. Am I expecting too much? My attitude needs some work. I’m worried about my own tendency toward laziness infecting my own children. I’m worried and angry because cleanup seems to take up a huge part of our day. And lest you’re worried, I’m not a type A personality who is complaining about dust on the baseboards. I’m not expecting too much of the children, at least in the quantity of work to be done. I need to pray that God will help me to know where my expectations are inappropriate; otherwise, I’m going to frustrate my children with my discipline approach. On the good side, perhaps I’m more frustrated because I’ve been more diligent to make cleaning a higher priority and I’m feeling the current suddenly.

At the end of the day, making some environmental changes can help when the problem is simply developmental or non-sin related. But those changes don’t change a sinful heart bent on getting its own way. So how can I address this challenge (again) biblically?

That’s what we’ll talk about on Friday.

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Continue reading Chores and Challenge: Assessment

A baby just learning to walk is old enough to dump out all the toys in the toy box, but getting him to pick them up might be another story. What is a mother to do?

If you didn’t read the first problem solving post, you’ll find it helpful to read it first.

First, let’s brainstorm the possible underlying contributions.

• With an infant, I always ask whether he understands what I am asking him to do.
• Is he overwhelmed?
• Is he sinfully refusing to obey? (Clues I look for: has he already demonstrated an ability to do what I am asking? does he run away when I try to help him obey? does he cry when I help him obey? If I hand him a toy, does he drop it and turn away)
• It is possible that the underlying motivations are a combination of sinful and developmental/ personality ?

What parental contributions might be contributing to the difficulty?

• I might have too big of a toy bucket.
• I might be waiting until all the toys are gone?
• I might be preoccupied with my own tasks: cleaning house or checking email, and am unwilling to teach or help him learn to clean up.
• I might be tentative, not really knowing what to do when he doesn’t pick anything up.
• I might find it easier and faster to pick everything up when he goes to sleep.

What should he put off?

• If he’s disobeying, then I want him to put away disobedience.
• If it’s not all deliberate disobedience (which is likely with a baby or young toddler) I want to put off a lack of understanding, and replace it with understanding. I expect to see childish behavior with a child that is not a sin issue; he merely needs to be taught and encouraged.
  

  When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. I Corinthians 13:11

• I want to replace discouragement with encouragement. Sometimes even after my children know to obey, they are easily overwhelmed. I’ve misinterpreted their lack of action as rebellious behavior.
  

What should he put on?

• obedience
• putting some toys away
• I’ve noticed that it doesn’t seem to matter how many toys he puts away. I’ve also noticed how my actions can make a large difference in his discouragement and apparent overwhelmed feelings.

The following passage is an interesting one to consider. We understand that discouragement is often a result of a lack of hope in God. Our tendency when we see a discouraged person is to encourage him by rebuking him, but God dealt with such a man differently than, say, David who had sinned with Bathsheba. Look and see:

But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree: and he requested for himself that he might die; and said, It is enough; now, O LORD, take away my life; for I am not better than my fathers. And as he lay and slept under a juniper tree, behold, then an angel touched him, and said unto him, Arise and eat. And he looked, and, behold, there was a cake baken on the coals, and a cruse of water at his head. And he did eat and drink, and laid him down again.

And the angel of the LORD came again the second time, and touched him, and said, Arise and eat; because the journey is too great for thee. And he arose, and did eat and drink, and went in the strength of that meat forty days and forty nights unto Horeb the mount of God. I Kings 19:4

Notice also this New Testament passage that describes different ways of responding to different kinds of people.

Now we exhort you, brethren, warn them that are unruly, comfort the feebleminded, support the weak, be patient toward all men. I Thessalonians 5:14

That’s all for today. Tomorrow, we’ll look at something a bit more complex.

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Continue reading Problem Solving: Picking Up Toys

Yesterday we spent our Saturday (and one of Lee’s few non-call weekends) working most of the day. I have traditionally felt bad about spending weekends working, because Lee has limited time at home and I’d like the children to actually have fun and enjoy their dad when he’s home. I know all the Type A mothers have an instant response all ready to type into the keyboard, but my learning path is perhaps a bit different. Have patience with me as I’m figuring life out, okay?

One of the things I admire most about my husband’s family is their work ethic. When a job needs to be done, it gets done right away. If someone needs to be called on the phone, that phone call is made right away, before it is forgotten (do you see why this is challenging to me?). I’d love for our children to learn this work ethic, but there’s a problem.

The biggest problem is that I do not always demonstrate a biblical attitude about work. Contrary to what some believe, work is not a curse or part of the curse. God gave Adam work long before he sinned in the Garden of Eden. Solomon tells us that work, its results, and the enjoyment of that work, is a gift from God. God created us to find satisfaction in working hard.

Behold that which I have seen: it is good and comely for one to eat and to drink, and to enjoy the good of all his labour that he taketh under the sun all the days of his life, which God giveth him: for it is his portion. Every man also to whom God hath given riches and wealth, and hath given him power to eat thereof, and to take his portion, and to rejoice in his labour; this is the gift of God. Ecclesiastes 5:18-19

I usually think of work as something to be endured, not something to actually enjoy. However, I do recognize that there is great satisfaction in completing a difficult or overwhelming task. I’d like to do better remembering this attitude, rather than avoiding work until it’s necessary. And as I think through work biblically, isn’t that a good thing to do as a family on the weekends? Isn’t it good for our children to enjoy the satisfaction of a job well done, to enjoy the fellowship as we work together, to enjoy the rest when we’re done? I think so. Don’t worry, we’ll still go hiking together, we’ll still work on model airplanes and play catch. Lee will still have time to relax. But I want to make sure that I do not forget how satisfying hard work can be.

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Continue reading Creating a Work Ethic