Truly, there are times when they do know better, and there are times when I want (and need, or even just see as valuable) my children to accomplish something on their own, without help.  But if I’m honest, there are a lot of times when my children want or need my help, and I don’t help because I’m preoccupied with my own interests or agenda.

I’ve been practicing saying four words more: Let’s do this together.

I don’t always, and some times I need them to accomplish something on their own. But I have discovered that those four words have helped to maintain a sense of teamwork with my children, something I want to cultivate more. (I’m also finding that my children need my help because they still need help learning how to do something on their own. I have to consider if I’ve broken down a task enough, taught enough, or if I’ve helped them overcome the barrier to accomplishing what I want them to.

Tonight I helped the girls with their bath time. Truthfully, it was hard because I had congratulated myself that the girls could both handle this job without any help from me. The angry screams coming from the bathroom compelled me, not the more honorable desire to be a part of a team; but once I was there, God changed my heart and helped me to help them. I realized (again) that they have not arrived ,and they still benefit from guidance.

Cleaning together didn’t go so well. Sometimes, lack of teamwork isn’t the problem. Guess that’s for another lesson!

In the meantime, isn’t it interesting that the Holy Spirit’s job is someone who comes alongside? Good thought.Similar Posts:

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A child who does not have control over his spirit is like a city whose protective walls of defense have been broken down. Self control is extremely important, but we don’t always know how to develop it.

My sister-in-law Martha has assigned chores for her children, but she also has a “pick a chore” assignment. That means after the normal chores are done, the child is to look around for something that needs to be done around the house, and do it. I love this idea. Children don’t always choose difficult or time intensive jobs, but the very process of looking for something that needs attention is what is most valuable in this exercise.

A week or so ago, I bought some candy corn and put it in the candy jar near where I was sitting. Of course, one of the children came by and asked, “Can I have some?” I told her yes. When she asked how many she could have, I told her that she could have as many as she wanted, as long as she wasn’t being greedy. Word quickly spread to the other two children. This was a novel idea, and it was fun for me to see them walk by and talk about how they  had determined that they had taken enough. They consumed the candy faster than they would have had I given them a stated limit, but again, I was more interested in the process of evaluating, “What does it mean to be greedy or sinfully indulgent?”

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Don’t be all that surprised at me. I can be dense sometimes, although maybe I knew this and needed reminding. Call me forgetful as well as dense.

I keep wondering why the kids’ bedrooms (one in particular) gets messy so quickly and regularly. I finally stopped to watch the process (key wisdom thought– watch and listen when you have a problem), and I decided that it was needful to intervene intentionally and persistently. We have a problem.

Yesterday, I spent a lot of time upstairs. Basically every time our children left their bedrooms, I made a visit and called them back. Last night when the children got ready for bed, we took a trip upstairs. Again, we needed to stop them and help them be aware of their surroundings.

I know that part of the problem is that the children’s bedrooms are on the second floor. It’s easier not to go up six or seven times in a day to check on things. It’s easier to call up “How does the bedroom look?” and trust that when they say “fine” it means what I want it to mean.

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Am I using my authority for my own selfishness and comfort [Will you run up the stairs and help your sister?] or because I genuinely need the help? Would I be happy if my children did all the housework while I eat bon bons and read books [assuming they wouldn't revolt]?

I noticed that when one of them asks for help, I’m far quicker to have one of the children meet the need than stop what I’m doing to help. I’m not sure that’s a good thing. I’ve also noticed that at times, they have expressed frustration when I sit down with a cup of coffee while they’re working. They’re keen on fairness right now. They don’t always understand that my desire for them to do chores isn’t merely because I need help with the cleaning, but because we’re a family and we all contribute. Moreover, learning to do a thing well [like cleaning a bathroom] takes practice, and they need more practice than I do right now on some things. When I’m helping them accomplish their chores, I’m not making progress on my own.

Even though some of their frustration is borne out of ignorance and childishness (making business calls or taking care of bills on the computer doesn’t look like “work” to them, and they don’t always notice when I’m working as they play), it’s a helpful window into their perceptions of my actions. Their reactions have also been helpful because they cause me to examine my own actions and motives.Similar Posts:

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Part of the problem with teaching my two daughters to work is that I’m still learning to work. Discomfort is not something that I like, and that can be a problem when there’s work to be done. One of the things I’ve been telling Bethel and Laurel is “You are strengthening your arms to work like the virtuous woman.” They like that. Yes, the boys show their muscles and we know that women are the “weaker vessel.” But that doesn’t mean we are weak. We have the responsibility to be strong.

I need the lecture, too!

• chronic overdose plavix

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After that line of questioning left me a little convicted (because God has been teaching me things, although I haven’t been “feeling” as good about spiritual things lately). Then I started a different direction of self-questioning. No matter why you have been silent, you should now use this opportunity to talk. Hmmm, what about? Well, the easiest thing is to talk about what God is doing in your own life.

I never got that far, because I asked instead “What has God done for us this week?” My faith that God is working in my children is small. I did not expect a substantive answer.

But David said “Well, we’ve been busy this week. God has helped us to work hard.”

I was nearly speechless. It was true. I pray about that at breakfast sometimes. What’s funny is that, while I was busy working, and not paying attention to spiritual things, David reminded me that God was working in my life, on my behalf. Moreover, God was at work in David’s heart to show him His work.

I got distracted. The conversation ended. Perhaps, though, I can follow up that talk with prayer and a discussion at the breakfast table in the morning.

Increase my faith, Lord.

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I’ve been attempting to be on top of getting work done before mealtime. Not only is eating a good motivator, but it is also a scriptural principle that we do not have the right to eat if we are unwilling to work. That’s been helpful at the work rebellion “I don’t like work! I don’t want to work! I hate making my bed!”  These outbursts have been far fewer since I started pointing out that in our house, and in God’s word, people who refuse to work don’t eat.

But I have another problem, and I’m a little sheepish at my epiphany this week. I have one child in particular who can, in five minutes, pull out every toy she owns. It’s been a challenge since she became mobile, but since I’m rather ditzy and distracted, I’ve not done a good job helping her develop better habits. She knows she should put away a toy when she’s done, before pulling out something new. In the past (here’s the sheepish part), I’ve been reluctant to interrupt her when she’s playing beautifully with her siblings. That’s because I’m so happy to see the cooperation and good will that I hate to disrupt it

I decided that I wasn’t organized enough to keep track of the best time to pick up something left out. I decided to enforce action whenever I noticed it. I’m hoping I notice it sooner rather than later, although most of the time it’s impossible to catch her exactly when she puts something down. It dawned on me today that she might figure out that it’s easier to put something away than to get interrupted for it. In other words, stopping her play to have her put something away is a good thing.

Now you can snicker mercilessly at me. I’ll try not to mind.

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As for my children, I could launch right into establishing consequences for inadequate obedience, but the thought has occurred to me that I probably should do some teaching first. So, in the next few days, I’m going to talk deliberately about work (not just when I’m irritated that they’re not doing what I expect, as I’ve been doing).

Where shall I start? I’ve alluded to

For even when we were with you, we commanded you this: If anyone will not work, neither shall he eat. II Thessalonians 3:10

I think we’ll talk about this first. As part of connecting work and eating, I need to be more consistent getting things cleaned up before mealtimes rather than after or worse, when the inspiration hits. I think that routine will be helpful for us all.

The ant passage is another good one. Perhaps it would be a good thing to purchase an ant farm, too. I remember last fall I made ant headbands for the children and they worked diligently for awhile. Maybe I should get those back out when we reread the ant passage. I suppose our children are like us adults; we need repetition occasionally.

Go to the ant, you sluggard!
Consider her ways and be wise,
7 Which, having no captain,
Overseer or ruler,
8 Provides her supplies in the summer,
And gathers her food in the harvest.
9 How long will you slumber, O sluggard?
When will you rise from your sleep?
10 A little sleep, a little slumber,
A little folding of the hands to sleep—
11 So shall your poverty come on you like a prowler,
And your need like an armed man. Proverbs 6:6-11

That’s all for now.

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In short, all the children have been consistently having a problem doing chores cheerfully and moderately efficiently. David does adequately most of the time, but I’ve been frustrated (i.e., angry) more than once when he’s taken inordinate amounts of time to accomplish a simple task, or gets distracted with an unpleasant task. Bethel still is having a hard time doing chores, period. She doesn’t like doing them, she’s easily overwhelmed and tearful, and even with help is extremely distractable and  slow. I try to limit Laurel to single commands (nothing like “clean up your room” or even “pick up all the books”) but she’s not the greatest at obeying in this context.

When I work on a problem that needs to be solved, I first consider the normal development of my kids. Yes, the child who is struggling the worst is at an age (4) where life is overwhelming quickly. And her personality is intense. I also remember that my five year old went through a time where he was quickly overwhelmed, too, giving me hope that at least some of the difficulty with my younger child will probably go away on its own, assuming I respond correctly in other ways. Baby is still in that time of learning to obey, so I know that persistence is important with her.

Some practical changes may help:

• Establish routine. Yes, once again I’m learning that for children, routine is my friend. For the tasks that happen predictably and exactly the same time and way, they all do seem to do better.
• Limit mess. Yes, I’m learning that not letting things get out of hand is helpful for Bethel, especially. The problem is that anything she plays with involves numerous props and pieces. I can limit what she gets out, but often, it’s all a part of the game she’s playing. David can usually can keep his bedroom clean if I stay consistent with regular cleanup times. This is not an issue for Laurel since I have her do only one task at a time, and she is not usually the one who makes the biggest mess.
• Eliminate toys. Many parents eliminate toys as a strategy. I’m all for that, but lately the problem isn’t all the toys, it’s a stack of books taken to bed, plus clothes dumped out of the drawers to find a special shirt for naptime, and the pillows, blankets, stuffed animals, and so on that are a part of the “zoo game” or the “frog game.” None of these things are really possibilities for elimination. More storage doesn’t seem to be the problem, either. We have sufficient bins and shelves for all their belongings.
• Make cleaning a happy time. I struggle with this. I am not a game person, and when I’ve tried to make cleanup a happy time, it doesn’t seem to make a difference. I could start some chore charts. Putting on happy music does make a positive difference, and my children often will put it on themselves when cleaning. As well, I’ve been working on showing my kids how thinking negatively affects their willingness to clean. I think that’s helping, but then some days I’m not so sure.
• Examine how I may contribute to the problem. Here’s where I start to think about spiritual problems and solutions. Inconsistency may be a culprit, particularly with following through with commands. I know I can do better, particularly with Laurel. I do need more of the fruit of the spirit, and I do know that when I’m doing right, I’m far more patient, loving,  and self-controlled with my children. Am I expecting too much? My attitude needs some work. I’m worried about my own tendency toward laziness infecting my own children. I’m worried and angry because cleanup seems to take up a huge part of our day. And lest you’re worried, I’m not a type A personality who is complaining about dust on the baseboards. I’m not expecting too much of the children, at least in the quantity of work to be done. I need to pray that God will help me to know where my expectations are inappropriate; otherwise, I’m going to frustrate my children with my discipline approach. On the good side, perhaps I’m more frustrated because I’ve been more diligent to make cleaning a higher priority and I’m feeling the current suddenly.

At the end of the day, making some environmental changes can help when the problem is simply developmental or non-sin related. But those changes don’t change a sinful heart bent on getting its own way. So how can I address this challenge (again) biblically?

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Bethel has been struggling with work lately. Certainly some of it is her age (four) and some of it is her personality. Since she was a baby, she’s responded to difficult tasks with screams. Although she doesn’t scream as much when she is frustrated, she retains her intensity.

Now, more than simply complaining (although that’s there and we’ve been dealing with it), she is genuinely wondering why she should work when work seems so unpleasant to her.

I’ve been trying to do my part by not letting things get overwhelming, and that does seem to help. The routine is beneficial, and not having an hour of cleanup is another obvious benefit. I’ve been struggling a little with this, since I’d like to do school first thing in the morning, but that’s also the best time for chores.

One of the things I’ve noticed is that Bethel’s thoughts about work are entirely negative, and I know from personal experience that thinking negatively really does affect my attitude toward work. So we’ve been talking about the blessings of work. These are things true, pure, and lovely.

Here’s a typical conversation:

B: “I don’t like cleaning my room.”

(normally, I’d emphasize the need to work even when it’s not fun by saying ‘That’s okay. I don’t always like to work either, but we still need to do right even when it is not fun.” Since I want to emphasize her thought process, I’m taking a diferent approach.)

M: “Bethel, you’re thinking about how you don’t like to clean your room. Let’s think about what you do like. Do you like having a clean room? (yes) Do you like not stepping on toys? (yes) Do you like getting work done fast so you can play? (yes)”

Now I want to explain work from a biblical perspective. A good number of people think that work is a part of the curse, but God gave Adam his job before the curse. So we have been talking a lot about how God made us so that we are happy when we work hard, and unhappy when we don’t.

On the personal side, Bet’s comments on procrastination have been a blessing to me. I’ve been working on simply taking the first step, and I’ve found it true that the first step is sometimes the hardest. I also have been thinking again about Ecclesiastes 5:12: The sleep of a labouring man is sweet, whether he eat little or much: but the abundance of the rich will not suffer him to sleep. I want to go to sleep each night satisfied with the work accomplished for the day.

The way of the slothful man is as an hedge of thorns: but the way of the righteous is made plain. Proverbs 15:19

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you. Philippians 4:

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