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Fighting in the Car

  • Posted on July 16, 2010 at 7:18 am

I noticed a week or so ago a new pattern of behavior in the car.

David and Bethel sit together in the back. By and large, they get along well, and they tend to resolve their conflict when they are irritated with each other.

Lately, though, they’ve developed this entertainment that is basically poking each other until somebody is unhappy and yells stoppit. It’s not one child tormenting the other. Both children do their share of poking, and they both know how to push their sibling to the end of their tolerance levels. It is distracting and unpleasant behavior, and even though they claim the poking is fun, it really isn’t. Moreover, I really don’t want to develop wrestling habits between my son and daughter.

I’ve been trying to decide how to handle this. Should I separate these two? Start handing out consequences for wrestling and teasing? How do I prevent them from forming habits of behavior that may cause them grief later on? These are good questions, but I see now that they were focused on finding a solution, not motives and contributing factors.

Lee noticed first that the problem seemed to be boredom; so he suggested that I read to the children when we’re all in the car. As we suspected, the children are much better behaved when they are listening to a story. That works well when we’re all together.

I can’t read and drive at the same time, though. I’ve been trying to pay better attention to when they’re disruptive in the car, and how I can respond by giving their minds something to do.

I’ve noticed that when I take the time to engage in conversation with them, they are better behaved. I’ve been consciously getting them to sing with me. Playing common travel games works too, anything that makes them think. I want to help them understand why they are happier when they’re not bored. We’ll see how they do.

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No More Monkeys Jumping on the Bed

  • Posted on May 28, 2009 at 11:13 pm

I’m rethinking our tradition of allowing jumping on the beds in hotels.

Awhile back, I heard of someone doing that, and I thought it was a fun way of discouraging jumping on the bed at home (which to be honest, has never been a large problem). We don’t let them jump on the bed for two reasons. First, their bed slats are wood, and jumping can damage the beds. Second, jumping on the bed unsupervised can be dangerous (not just on a bunk bed, although two of three beds are up high). We’ve given both reasons when discussing why we don’t jump on beds. But on our infrequent trips, they always remember to jump on the hotel beds.

Here’s the problem. I want them to respect other people’s property. I don’t want them thinking that we must be good stewards of what God has given us personally (their toys, our furniture, our house, etc.), but that other people’s belongings don’t matter. When we borrow something, or use something that belongs to someone else, we are responsible for it. That’s why we should take special care of library books (I’m feeling convicted, since this very moment I’ve got thirty strewn hither and yon). That’s why we return a borrowed car with a full tank of gas. It’s why we replace something if we damage it. And even though hotel beds are made strong, that’s why they won’t be jumping on them in the future.

It will be a good discussion.

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Vacations and Godliness

  • Posted on June 26, 2008 at 5:00 am

I found an excellent article on family vacations. It was written to fathers and husbands, but I found it quite challenging for myself. We spend much time preparing for a vacation: oil changed, laundry, house cleaned, finding ways to keep the children happy on a road trip. How about spending time preparing spiritually for the vacation?

Am I looking to be served on vacation? Will I remember that sin does not ever go on vacation, and prepare accordingly? Will I consider others’ desires more important than my own desires? Am I preparing myself for the challenge that I usually find in spending time reading my Bible when I’m away from home? Am I praying about how I will live out the gospel while I am gone?

Guess I should get to work!

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Driving Home on a Sunday

  • Posted on January 14, 2008 at 12:35 am

Once again we drove home from California on a Sunday. I lost my purse, and we spent Saturday trying to find it with no success. So we packed up and left extra early Sunday morning, just in time to get to church in Phoenix suburbs. Last time we did this and found that it gave the children a good long break in the middle of the trip.

It’s not just for the break, though. We stop at church while we’re traveling because we want to communicate to our children the importance of the local church. We do this first by avoiding travel on Sundays, if possible. We attend services somewhere when we are out of town, and when we go camping, we come back for Sunday church. And times like today, when we really couldn’t avoid traveling when we did, we timed our trip around the services of a church we know. (Like this morning: we left at 4:00am; It’s hard leaving this early cheerfully, I can assure you.)

Practically, the children are nervous going into a new place, and the baby sometimes cries when I leave her in the nursery (although I usually tell the nursery workers to get me if she cries for more than five minutes). But I think our children are more flexible than we give them credit for. It helps significantly when we are able to tell them ahead of time what to expect, as much as we know. And we present it in a positive way, which so far works just fine. We have had a few times on the road where a child wants to stay with us during the services, something we allow if they behave.

It’s not a test of spirituality, of course. There are other choices we could have made, and sometimes it is not possible to stop during a trip like this. In a variety of ways, parents communicate what they value. But this is one way we’ve chosen to communicate something we value very much.

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Getting Left Out

  • Posted on January 6, 2008 at 12:47 am

Yesterday I noticed Bethel was getting clingy and irritable, and today I figured out why. David is her best friend, and the past week, he’s not played with her at all. Even though the cousins do play with her some, most of their games don’t interest her or make sense to her. I think she was feeling a bit lost.

So today I tried to spend a little more time with her. We read some books, I talked with her and held her. We played with her ponies. I think that helped. The cousins left today, so Bethel will have her brother back. Sometimes I miss these things. I wish I had been more sensitive to this earlier.

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What’s Different at Grandma’s House?

  • Posted on January 5, 2008 at 1:01 pm

One of the things that Lee and I talked briefly about is the difference between parenting at home, and parenting at Grandma’s house with cousins all around.

For one, our children watch more TV, play on the computer more, and play video games. They’ve done more of these activities in a week than they normally do in several months. Assuming there is no bad content, is this activity change a bad thing?

We have also noticed that we don’t interact with our children as much. This might be because the children are more occupied, but it also might be because we’re more preoccupied. Maybe it’s a little of both. David and Bethel are playing with their cousins outside or up in the attic playroom most of the time. The children (except Laurel) eat with the other young children, and we eat in the dining room. Consequently, there are far fewer opportunities to obey or disobey. That’s not exactly true with Laurel, who is one. She isn’t quite able to play with Stephen (age 2) without frequent conflict, so we do have to watch her more carefully.

Now, we do direct them all as parents. We have to direct them to get ready in the morning. We intervene when there is a sharing dispute. We help Laurel “come” when she is called. We help David go to sleep, although usually he’s ready to drop by the time the cousins go to sleep (and because all the older cousins sleep in the playroom it doesn’t make sense to put him to bed earlier). Taking naps is very hard for David, since  he needs them here, and his cousins don’t. Bethel’s biggest struggle is when she has a conflict with Stephen or Laurel, but other than that, she plays on her own or follows her older cousins around (and they’re remarkably sweet and patient with a youngun tagging along). Laurel’s biggest struggle is her desire to take books off the bookshelves here. I haven’t done much except take them away (and I haven’t made it clear that she shouldn’t be taking them out), so maybe I should be dealing with this better.

For the older children, the discipline of choice here is separation from the cousins or the activity, and it seems to be quite effective. Just now Bethel pushed Laurel away when Laurel tried to take a bike away, and so I had Bethel sit on the couch while Laurel played with the bike. David became angry with Jon because he wouldn’t let Tommy play a video game, and as a consequence he was not allowed to be in the playroom watching them play video games.

I’ll have to think a little more. I’d really like to turn the parenting role off, and that’s probably not a good thing. But I think it’s okay to parent less. The question to think and pray about is knowing the difference.

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Children Behaving in Public

  • Posted on December 1, 2007 at 6:14 am

One of the great opportunities of travel is that you get a good idea of your strengths and weaknesses in how you are parenting. You see where you need more work, and where your instruction is paying off. Sometimes it is humiliating. Sometimes it is a time for giving thanks.

Today I took the children out for breakfast without Lee (he’s in meetings all day, and we’re in a  small hotel room. Last time we tried this was in St. Louis about nine months ago, and it was one of those humiliating experiences. David whined, Bethel ran away, and Laurel alternately cried and threw on the ground anything within reach. Today was much better. They all colored. They ate politely. In fact, I’m the only one who spilled anything. They didn’t shout all that much. While I was paying, they sat quietly on nearby chairs (I held Laurel).

When we got in the car, mommy prayed (out loud) and told God thank you for my three children who glorified God by their good behavior.

They’re not perfect. I’ve seen areas I need to work on, quickly! But this morning was a blessing and encouragement.

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Paying Attention in Church

  • Posted on November 30, 2007 at 10:56 am

Making the Cross-Country drive was not as painful as it has been in times past. I have a few fairly short audio stories I’ve been saving for a trip, and Lee and I were both surprised at David’s ability to follow along. This is a new development. He still kept asking for clarification, but he was getting a basic idea of the plot.

We have a CD with the story of the “Three Little Pigs” on it. Even Bethel could follow along on this story (and she was clueless about the others). I started thinking about the implications of repetitive, cumulative plot elements. I wonder whether telling these kinds of stories cultivates an ability to pay attention. I should be telling stories more.

I also spent time on the road thinking about these implications for getting something meaningful out of a church message. Among the things that I pondered how a child’s ability to follow a story can give insight to a parent seeking wisdom in this area. What things would I look for when considering an appropriate age for my children to understand anything of the adult sermon? (Note that I am not looking merely at a child’s ability to sit still. That’s a different skill.)

  • Certainly, I’d remember that development varies from child to child. I want to remember that before I become critical of another mother whose child might not be ready to sit in church, or despair because another child took notes by drawing pictures of the sermon a full six months before my child even recognized the subject of the sermon.
  • I think it’s fair to consider how they pay attention to sitting down to read an unfamiliar storybook. I’m interested in how much of the story he can understand. I figure this out by asking him questions about what has happened, or by asking him to predict what will happen next. If he cannot follow a story with pictures, he will not be able to follow a sermon without pictures. If he cannot talk, I’d ask him to point to certain pictures in the book.
  • I’m also paying attention to how well they follow an audio story, with or without pictures. When I’m not reading a book, I have more ability to watch them. We regularly check out children’s books to listen to in the car. I check out books well above their listening skill, as well as books on their own level. This protects me from inadvertently underestimating their ability to listen, and I’m not frustrating them because they’d be sitting in their car seats, anyway. I can ask questions about what we’re listening to, and get a good idea of how much they are grasping.
  • I must also remember that if my children never have opportunity to test or practice their ability, I run the risk of underestimating that ability. Now, some mothers make practicing church an art form, and explain how they have their children sitting quietly on chairs for an hour (perhaps reading books? I don’t really know). That’s not my style. I figure there are enough opportunities for practice without creating artificial environments. Sometimes I do need to find opportunities, to be sure. And I must remember that if they fail once, it doesn’t mean they’re not able to listen.
  • There’s room for me to improve. My mother-in-law sat her three young boys in little chairs and taught them the Scriptures. I’d like to incorporate some sort of formal instruction at some point, or at least work to that end, even if the time is initially very short. I’d like to experiment with cumulative teaching, like fairy tales do. I wonder whether I can use that technique when teaching God’s Word to my littlest ones. I’ll have to think on it.

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Chaos in the Car and Grocery Store

  • Posted on October 20, 2007 at 1:30 pm

Today at the grocery store, both my older children kept touching food (e.g., dropping expensive peaches and pinching holes in ground beef packages), whining about something or another, and asking for food items. My youngest kept standing in the seat and crying when she was buckled in. At the checkout, I was embarrassed because I couldn’t give my attention to paying for my food because I was having to give attention to all three children at once. David cried on the way home because Bethel wouldn’t give him a book. Bethel cried on the way home because she didn’t have her blanket. Laurel cried because she wanted to sleep.

Earlier, a mom I’m just getting to know was feeling embarrassed because her child was being rude and selfish. I assured her, my children are sinners, too. Yes, they fight. They don’t always obey, and they do have bad attitudes at times. I don’t have all the answers, and sometimes I really have no idea how to respond to them, but I’m seeking the Lord to find wisdom as I respond to their childishness and sinfulness.

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Giving Up My Rights

  • Posted on October 17, 2007 at 8:34 am

Thinking about rights and bullies has started me inspecting my own life, and how often I help my children learn humility in this area. I think perhaps they do better than I do. In some areas, I think I’ve got this under control; in other areas, I think I could use more work. I’m most concerned how my example communicates to my children, but I’ve also been thinking about how they are able to give up their rights on their own. And I’m interested in understanding biblical reasons for using one’s rights, or even refusing to give them up at times. Lee suggested two passages:

Fulfil ye my joy, that ye be likeminded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.

Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus: Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God: But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men: And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross. (Philipians 2:2-8)

This passage gives me good guidance on giving up my rights, but it doesn’t tell me when, if ever, I should insist on my rights. Lee’s suggestion was to consider the concept of stewardship, whether of my time, money, or testimony. His example was that some doctors have the attitude, “I’m the doctor; I shouldn’t have to take the time to swaddle a newborn baby.” That’s selfishly grasping at his rights. But sometimes, when the doctor is busy doing the things only a doctor can do, then it is appropriate to hand the baby to a nurse and ask her to swaddle him. In the second case, he’s using his rights in stewardship of his time. The parable of the talents in Matthew 25 might be a good passage for meditation. I need to look up some more passages on stewardship before my thinking is done on this topic.

Stewardship would help explain why it might be appropriate to graciously point out a pricing error at the supermarket, but inappropriate to stiff a waitress who spilled a drink on our table. This might also explain why it would be appropriate to use my authority as mother to ask my children to serve the adults when we have company, but perhaps not so I can sit on my couch and eat bon bons while I read an exciting novel. When we grasp at our rights because of who we are, we are acting out of pride (contrary to Jesus’ example illustrated in Philipians 2). However, there are times when using our rights will help us obey God’s Word in some way.

Practically and specifically, what are some good ways and reasons to give up one’s rights?

  • When guests come.
  • When playing with unsaved children who do not know how to behave.
  • When playing with younger children.

Good times NOT to give up one’s rights might include:

  • When giving up one’s rights perpetuates sinful behavior in another person.
  • When the other person is doing something wrong or sinful

Any more to add?

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