19December2007

“Me First”

Posted by Michelle under: Getting Along; Manners.

We picked out another Helen Lester book at the library the other day, called Me First. I thought it would be a good conversation starter, and although it has been, I realized that the moral of the story is actually selfishly polite. Why should we share? Because sometimes being first isn’t desirable for my pleasure or comfort. It’s not a bad story, but it’s not complete.

I remembered again that politeness is a strength of the moral, non-biblical mother. But manners isn’t biblical in itself. If I’m going to be biblical, I have to get my motives right. So I told David the story of Jesus washing the disciples feet found in John 13:4-17. I asked him, Did Jesus say, “Serve me first”? In this case, the questions are more important than their understanding of the passage. I’m reading the passage to communicate that the Bible is our authority (not Helen Lester, or any other human person). On another occasion this week, we turned to Philipians 2:3-8. I asked, Is Paul telling us to be “Me-first” people, or “You-first” people? Again, the question is more important to me than whether he understands the passage.

Several times this week I’ve followed up with asking both David and Bethel if they’re acting like the disciples who were fighting over who would be first. It’s been a good passage to work on.

And… it’s been a good passage for me, too. So many of my own decisions are about me, first. I’m praying that God will help me to serve others first.

How has Scripture changed something in your life this week?

Popularity: 27% [?]

Popularity: 27% [?]

4December2007

Destructiveness, Part 2

Posted by Michelle under: Manners.

This post is a result of a discussion about destructiveness. I made the statement that young children do not by and large understand the value of property. This statement was challenged, so I’ve been reevaluating what I think.

I still stand by my statement, with a qualifier that perhaps my own children uniquely do not understand the value of property. But it seems to me that a child’s understanding of the value of things is a result both of a parents modeling, and a result of direct teaching.

We show children what we value by how much time we spend with certain “things,” how we take care of property, and how we respond when our belongings are damaged or lost. There’s a balance to be achieved: wise stewardship without greed, having a giving heart without giving pearls to pigs.

Here are the questions I’ve been thinking of. Questions must suffice, as I have a crying baby, two hungry children, and company coming for music class in two hours. Perhaps others will add to the discussion.

• When do I give?
• How do I decide where to give?
• Do I involve my children in giving?
• Do I express appreciation (though thank-you notes) when others give to me?
• Do I spend enough time interacting with people, with the local body of believers, or do I retreat into my own world whenever possible?
• What do I do and say when somebody damages something I own?
• What do I do and say when my children damage their own property?
• What do I do and say when my children damage my property, or the property of others?
• How should my responses change as a child gets older?

Popularity: 19% [?]

Popularity: 19% [?]

20November2007

How to Respond to Destructive Behavior

Posted by Michelle under: Manners; Uncategorized.

My two children were happily eating a midmorning apple at the table, while I sat and tried to concentrate on writing the next Pulitzer quality blog post. After awhile, I became aware of a curious noise of something small hitting the kitchen floor. A child must have found some dried piece of food on the table and threw it on the floor. Giggles followed, and I, happy that the children were not fighting, typed away. Again, I heard the same curious noise. I started to pay closer attention. After all, it was a fresh tablecloth this morning and a fall centerpiece with a beautiful wreath of fake berries in fall colors.

Recognition dawned.

What should I do? I would not spank my children for destructive behavior, because generally I’ve considered the problem one of childishness and lack of understanding of the consequences of such things as standing on toys, drawing illustrations in a published book …. or jumping on the bed… And although I have a discipline plan for disobedience (do not jump on the bed), I cannot possibly think up all the things that a child should not do.

Are there any Scripture verses that might guide my instruction on the matter?

Popularity: 22% [?]

Popularity: 22% [?]

27July2007

Is Thankfulness Scriptural?

Posted by Michelle under: Manners.

I spent some time with my Nave’s Topical Bible looking at thankfulness verses. Nave’s is a cool book that organizes Bible verses by topic. You can find it online, but I like the paper version better. Guess I need to spend more time reading, because while I read a lot about thankfulness to God (Psalm 100, for example), there wasn’t much about being thankful to others. First Thessalonians 5:18 says, “In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God.” I suppose that would be a good one to talk about, but I am still not satisfied with it.

Then I pulled out the Treasury of Scripture Knowledge. Have you seen this book? I have a copy that was my grandfather’s, and it’s sat on my shelf gathering dust for years. My dad fussed at me awhile back when I mentioned I didn’t find it useful. It’s filled with cross-references! he said. I don’t know why I never noticed it before; it actually is very very cool. (See here for the online version.) You look up a verse you are interested in, and you’ll find a bunch of related verses for that part of the verse right under the reference. But I didn’t find what I was looking for.

I’ve heard that thankfulness and humility go together, but I cannot find the connection scripturally (although it makes sense logically). Like Lee told David, when we say thank you, we’re saying thank you for more than the gift. We are recognizing the love and care that went into the gift, and expressing gratefulness for this act of love. Maybe I should be looking at how love behaves. Any thoughts or Scripture references? I have to figure it out myself before I can even begin to explain it to a four year old and two year old.

Popularity: 18% [?]

Popularity: 18% [?]

24July2007

Saying Thank You

Posted by Michelle under: Manners.

David was given a belated birthday gift. It was a good gift, one that I was sure he would enjoy, but he refused to say thank you for it. When I was growing up, this was not an option. If you didn’t say thank you, you didn’t get the gift. But when I informed David of this fact, he simply said, OK. Feeling somewhat deflated and surprised my motivational push was ineffective, knowing that it was hours past his bedtime, I let it go, for the moment.

When Lee talked with David right before bedtime, he learned the rest of the story. Apparently, David was under the impression that one says thank you only if he actually likes the gift. And David, not having time to examine the gift to see if he liked it, wasn’t willing to say thank you yet (remember that this child does not liked to be pushed). Lee explained that we say thank you for more than the gift. We say thank you for thoughtfulness, for generosity, for unselfishness, and so on. With that knowledge, David was ready to say thank you. It helped that he ended up enjoying the gift.

Guess talking about what God says about being thankful would be a good thing. That’s what I’ll read about today.

Popularity: 16% [?]

Popularity: 16% [?]

12May2007

Polite or Unselfish?

Posted by Michelle under: Manners.

The probing question in chapter one of my mom’s book, Parenting with Wisdom (formerly titled Teaching Children Precept upon Precept), is “What distinguishes a godly Christian parent any other parent?”

It’s a good question. I’ve known a number of excellent mothers who were unsaved. Their children were respectful, obedient, modestly dressed. It isn’t spanking, going to church, or teaching children the Bible. Rather, the primary distinguishing factor is (or should be) one’s motivation: to bring God glory (I Corinthians 10:31). I’ve been thinking about this.

Yesterday, we were meeting a friend for lunch, and I was running late. So I called her to tell her we’d be about fifteen minutes after we had agreed to meet. David asked, “Are we going to be late?” The teacher in me wanted to take the opportunity to explain some etiquette. I started telling him that it is polite to call someone when you are going to be late. Then I stopped and considered, “Am I just being like a secular mom teaching her child how to be polite?” That was a convicting thought! So then I explained that mommy did not glorify God because she selfishly wasted time in the morning and wanted to catch up on the dishes. I explained that we are often late when we selfishly think our time is more important than someone else’s time (one of the verses we talk about is “Let each esteem others better than himself”). Calling someone is important because it is thinking about the other person’s time, and not just our own.

Imagine how much I would have missed had I settled for “It’s not polite to…”!

Popularity: 18% [?]

Popularity: 18% [?]

3May2007

Thank You for Obedience?

Posted by Michelle under: Manners; Obedience.

When do you say “thank-you” to your children?

1.  When they do something kind unexpectedly, without prompting.
2. When they respond to a polite request, like “Please pass the broccoli” or “Please bring me a diaper for baby.”
3. When they do something they are supposed to be doing: “Thank you for playing so unselfishly with your sister” or “Thank you for being quiet when Mommy said it was naptime.”
4. When they obey: “Thank you for obeying right away.” or “Give to Mommy. [pause] Thank you.”

I’ve watched on a number of occasions the enlightened, overly attentive mothers and they say thank you all the time, for just about any time the child does something right. They probably say thank you more than I do, but I regularly say it for all four situations. Still, I’m a bit uncomfortable with being too liberal with thank yous for completed obedience. It’s not the same situation as a kind deed done for each other. It almost feels like an expression of out of control relief addressed to a superior: “Thanks for not throwing a temper tantrum in the middle of the Butterfly House.” I’m wondering if I sound as nauseating as the mothers I’ve been watching the last week and a half.

Perhaps a simple, “I appreciate it when you obey so quickly” might be better.
But written down, it doesn’t seem much different. Maybe it has nothing to do with the words at all. Maybe it’s the compulsion to praise everything right about the child as part of a reciprocal self-esteem ritual. Maybe it’s just the demeanor of other mothers.

Popularity: 21% [?]

Popularity: 21% [?]

8March2007

Humility and Thankfulness

Posted by Michelle under: Humility; Manners.

In Romans 1, there’s a description of a rebel against God. In the midst of a truly terrible picture, one phrase seems out of place, apparently benign in comparison to the rest of the description. This arrogant rebel is unthankful.

Unthankfulness is more than simply poor manners. It is a symptom of the pride that plagues even Christians. One of the ways that we can cultivate a spirit of humility is to cultivate a spirit of thankfulness. It is not a virtue that comes naturally or easily.

I’d like my children to be thankful. Oh, they say thank you spontaneously when given more milk at the table. They say thank you when Dad helps them get a toy that’s stuck in the chair. But when given candy by Miss Charlotte at church, they must be prompted to speak words of gratitude. When given less than what they wanted, they are unhappy. And they have no concept that the greatest reason to be thankful is God’s matchless grace in sending His Son to die on the cross for our sins. How can I teach this?

I must start with my own life. Am I thankful that God sent His Son to die? Really thankful? Do I think about it, or pray about it? How faithful am I to send out thank-you notes for kindnesses shown to me? If I’m honest, I need more grace to be thankful. I need to repent of the pride that puts thankfulness low on the priority list of things to do for the day.

Popularity: 18% [?]

Popularity: 18% [?]

17February2007

Birthday Manners

Posted by Michelle under: Manners.

Birthdays are great teaching occasions, especially birthday parties of moms who love big crowds and are brave enough to invite a large number of preschoolers. You have the opportunity of testing manners (”Please may I have more punch” four times), you have the opportunity of getting along with other children, and opportunities for obedience and unselfishness. Bethel and I talked about presents on the way there. We talked about what would happen. We talked about what she should do with the gift once we got there. We talked about how she should behave. Since she recently had a birthday party (just adults, I’m not as brave as some), she understood about presents for just one person. We talked about her friend opening up all the presents. This is the hard part for some children. Bethel wanted to know if she could play with the dolly we had bought and wrapped. No, this is just for your friend. When we got there, Bethel did fine (except spilling the third cup of punch). I kept waiting for the big present opening occasion… until the mom told me that they don’t open the presents until everyone is gone.

Really, in some ways this is smart, especially because present opening time can be quite an emotional experience for some children, and uncomfortable for parents. And this party had many children. But in other ways, I was a bit sad. It’s a good opportunity to see how well we’re doing on the giving part of life. Maybe part of the problem is a difficulty being transparent with one another, and the fear of criticism if one’s child should misbehave. Maybe our response should be to pray for one another more, to encourage in each other a reliance on the word of God. I wonder how I can respond to mothers of ill-behaved children.

Popularity: 13% [?]

Popularity: 13% [?]

6October2006

Saying “Please”

Posted by Michelle under: Manners; Mealtime.

Awhile back, I mentioned that since Bethel was using only one word (never two), I didn’t require her to say please when she asked for something. (i.e., I had her say what she wanted: “Milk”) As long as she wasn’t whining for it, or crying, that was sufficient. I usually repeated her one word along with Please, figuring that at least she would hear the “right” phrase and imitate it down the road. I reasoned that when she could handle two words, then I’d have her use the word please, too.

She’s now at that stage. Funny, she automatically started using please. She’s using other 2-word combinations, so I know what I expect fits her ability. That’s a comforting thought. Besides, it’s fun to hear her little voice say “Pea.”

Popularity: 17% [?]

Popularity: 17% [?]