As4Me » Manners

Helping Children Respect their Dad

Michelle — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 13:43:52 +0000

I’ve been looking for ways that I fall short in honoring and submitting to my husband. It’s not always easy for me to identify, primarily because Lee and I generally agree on most things, and because we’re both pretty easy going in general.

However, I realized recently that I’ve not been careful regarding the red couch.

Now, growing up, my mom let my brother and me play with the couch cushions. We had a lot of fun playing on them. In Lee’s house, he wasn’t allowed to play with couch cushions growing up. It doesn’t surprise you then to know that it wouldn’t bother me at all for the children to slide across the living room floor on a couch cushion, and that Lee isn’t keen on that idea. As our children have been getting more boisterous with couch, I finally realized that Lee’s concern was justified all along, and I was not right to ignore his wishes regardless. Furthermore, because I wasn’t stopping the children during the daytime, I was encouraging them to ignore and disrespect their dad. That’s not good, is it?

So I’ve been working on this. I have told them that I wasn’t doing right by letting them play on and with the couch, and asked their forgiveness for setting a bad example. Maybe I need to simply bring down the beanbag that they’re allowed to play on.

Learning and growing…Similar Posts:

Becoming Self-Governed

Michelle — Tue, 13 Sep 2011 11:01:30 +0000

One of the long-term goals we have in teaching our children is helping them to govern their own behavior. Taking initiative is not something we associate with very small children; it is a quality cultivated over time.

A child who does not have control over his spirit is like a city whose protective walls of defense have been broken down. Self control is extremely important, but we don’t always know how to develop it.

My sister-in-law Martha has assigned chores for her children, but she also has a “pick a chore” assignment. That means after the normal chores are done, the child is to look around for something that needs to be done around the house, and do it. I love this idea. Children don’t always choose difficult or time intensive jobs, but the very process of looking for something that needs attention is what is most valuable in this exercise.

A week or so ago, I bought some candy corn and put it in the candy jar near where I was sitting. Of course, one of the children came by and asked, “Can I have some?” I told her yes. When she asked how many she could have, I told her that she could have as many as she wanted, as long as she wasn’t being greedy. Word quickly spread to the other two children. This was a novel idea, and it was fun for me to see them walk by and talk about how they had determined that they had taken enough. They consumed the candy faster than they would have had I given them a stated limit, but again, I was more interested in the process of evaluating, “What does it mean to be greedy or sinfully indulgent?”

What have you done to help your children develop the ability to govern their own behavior?Similar Posts:

Teaching Giving and Receiving

Michelle — Fri, 24 Dec 2010 10:30:23 +0000

Christmas is a great time to teach children about giving and receiving gifts, about selfishness and loving others. Some years I do better at making worthwhile gifts with the children to give to others. Other years, I feel like all my good intentions simmered in a pot but never left it (say, “child under 18 months”). In eleven years of marriage, I’ve never yet managed to have a family photo sent out with a charming Christmas letter, although several years I’ve actually written letters, and some years I’ve ordered pictures. (If you didn’t get one, don’t worry, because nobody else did either!)

This year we made some gifts, and let the children earn money to spend on other gifts (we overpay them, but they don’t realize that yet). Tonight as we were driving home from visiting daddy at the hospital, I asked them if they could tell me why we give gifts at Christmas time.

One child mentioned the wise men who brought gifts to Jesus. One brought up that Jesus was a gift. I asked what made Jesus a gift. They really didn’t know how to explain it, so I helped a bit by explaining that Jesus coming to earth as a baby was part of God’s plan to provide salvation.

I asked them how they hoped their family and friends would respond when they opened their gifts. Then I asked whether they would feel bad if someone opened a gift they bought and said, “I don’t want this gift” and didn’t take it. They all agreed that would be terrible. (I need to tell them about the time I did exactly that when I was five.)

I told them that God offers his gift of salvation. When we say, “Not now,” we’re saying “I don’t want this gift” to God.

I decided that giving gifts is a good time to talk about salvation, too.Similar Posts:

“Me First”

Michelle — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 18:16:14 +0000

We picked out another Helen Lester book at the library the other day, called Me First. I thought it would be a good conversation starter, and although it has been, I realized that the moral of the story is actually selfishly polite. Why should we share? Because sometimes being first isn’t desirable for my pleasure or comfort. It’s not a bad story, but it’s not complete.

I remembered again that politeness is a strength of the moral, non-biblical mother. But manners isn’t biblical in itself. If I’m going to be biblical, I have to get my motives right. So I told David the story of Jesus washing the disciples feet found in John 13:4-17. I asked him, Did Jesus say, “Serve me first”? In this case, the questions are more important than their understanding of the passage. I’m reading the passage to communicate that the Bible is our authority (not Helen Lester, or any other human person). On another occasion this week, we turned to Philipians 2:3-8. I asked, Is Paul telling us to be “Me-first” people, or “You-first” people? Again, the question is more important to me than whether he understands the passage.

Several times this week I’ve followed up with asking both David and Bethel if they’re acting like the disciples who were fighting over who would be first. It’s been a good passage to work on.

And… it’s been a good passage for me, too. So many of my own decisions are about me, first. I’m praying that God will help me to serve others first.

How has Scripture changed something in your life this week?
Similar Posts:

Destructiveness, Part 2

Michelle — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 14:36:31 +0000

This post is a result of a discussion about destructiveness. I made the statement that young children do not by and large understand the value of property. This statement was challenged, so I’ve been reevaluating what I think.

I still stand by my statement, with a qualifier that perhaps my own children uniquely do not understand the value of property. But it seems to me that a child’s understanding of the value of things is a result both of a parents modeling, and a result of direct teaching.

We show children what we value by how much time we spend with certain “things,” how we take care of property, and how we respond when our belongings are damaged or lost. There’s a balance to be achieved: wise stewardship without greed, having a giving heart without giving pearls to pigs.

Here are the questions I’ve been thinking of. Questions must suffice, as I have a crying baby, two hungry children, and company coming for music class in two hours. Perhaps others will add to the discussion.

When do I give?
How do I decide where to give?
Do I involve my children in giving?
Do I express appreciation (though thank-you notes) when others give to me?
Do I spend enough time interacting with people, with the local body of believers, or do I retreat into my own world whenever possible?
What do I do and say when somebody damages something I own?
What do I do and say when my children damage their own property?
What do I do and say when my children damage my property, or the property of others?
How should my responses change as a child gets older?

Similar Posts:

How to Respond to Destructive Behavior

Michelle — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 11:00:21 +0000

My two children were happily eating a midmorning apple at the table, while I sat and tried to concentrate on writing the next Pulitzer quality blog post. After awhile, I became aware of a curious noise of something small hitting the kitchen floor. A child must have found some dried piece of food on the table and threw it on the floor. Giggles followed, and I, happy that the children were not fighting, typed away. Again, I heard the same curious noise. I started to pay closer attention. After all, it was a fresh tablecloth this morning and a fall centerpiece with a beautiful wreath of fake berries in fall colors.

Recognition dawned.

What should I do? I would not spank my children for destructive behavior, because generally I’ve considered the problem one of childishness and lack of understanding of the consequences of such things as standing on toys, drawing illustrations in a published book …. or jumping on the bed… And although I have a discipline plan for disobedience (do not jump on the bed), I cannot possibly think up all the things that a child should not do.

Are there any Scripture verses that might guide my instruction on the matter?Similar Posts:

Is Thankfulness Scriptural?

Michelle — Fri, 27 Jul 2007 20:47:01 +0000

I spent some time with my Nave’s Topical Bible looking at thankfulness verses. Nave’s is a cool book that organizes Bible verses by topic. You can find it online, but I like the paper version better. Guess I need to spend more time reading, because while I read a lot about thankfulness to God (Psalm 100, for example), there wasn’t much about being thankfulÂ to others. First Thessalonians 5:18 says, “In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God.” I suppose that would be a good one to talk about, but I am still not satisfied with it.

Then I pulled out the Treasury of Scripture Knowledge. Have you seen this book? I have a copy that was my grandfather’s, and it’s sat on my shelf gathering dust for years. My dad fussed at me awhile back when I mentioned I didn’t find it useful. It’s filled with cross-references! he said. I don’t know why I never noticed it before; it actually is very very cool. (See here for the online version.) You look up a verse you are interested in, and you’ll find a bunch of related verses for that part of the verse right under the reference. But I didn’t find what I was looking for.

I’ve heard that thankfulness and humility go together, but I cannot find the connection scripturally (although it makes sense logically). Like Lee told David, when we say thank you, we’re saying thank you for more than the gift. We are recognizing the love and care that went into the gift, and expressing gratefulness for this act of love. Maybe I should be looking at how love behaves. Any thoughts or Scripture references? I have to figure it out myself before I can even begin to explain it to a four year old and two year old.Similar Posts:

Saying Thank You

Michelle — Tue, 24 Jul 2007 12:32:30 +0000

David was given a belated birthday gift. It was a good gift, one that I was sure he would enjoy, but he refused to say thank you for it. When I was growing up, this was not an option. If you didn’t say thank you, you didn’t get the gift. But when I informed David of this fact, he simply said, OK. Feeling somewhat deflated and surprised my motivational push was ineffective, knowing that it was hours past his bedtime, I let it go, for the moment.

When Lee talked with David right before bedtime, he learned the rest of the story. Apparently, David was under the impression that one says thank you only if he actually likes the gift. And David, not having time to examine the gift to see if he liked it, wasn’t willing to say thank you yet (remember that this child does not liked to be pushed). Lee explained that we say thank you for more than the gift. We say thank you for thoughtfulness, for generosity, for unselfishness, and so on. With that knowledge, David was ready to say thank you. It helped that he ended up enjoying the gift.

Guess talking about what God says about being thankful would be a good thing. That’s what I’ll read about today.Similar Posts:

Polite or Unselfish?

Michelle — Sat, 12 May 2007 19:27:09 +0000

The probing question in chapter one of my mom’s book, Parenting with Wisdom (formerly titled Teaching Children Precept upon Precept), is “What distinguishes a godly Christian parent any other parent?”

It’s a good question. I’ve known a number of excellent mothers who were unsaved. Their children were respectful, obedient, modestly dressed. It isn’t spanking, going to church, or teaching children the Bible. Rather, the primary distinguishing factor is (or should be) one’s motivation: to bring God glory (I Corinthians 10:31). I’ve been thinking about this.

Yesterday, we were meeting a friend for lunch, and I was running late. So I called her to tell her we’d be about fifteen minutes after we had agreed to meet. David asked, “Are we going to be late?” The teacher in me wanted to take the opportunity to explain some etiquette. I started telling him that it is polite to call someone when you are going to be late. Then I stopped and considered, “Am I just being like a secular mom teaching her child how to be polite?” That was a convicting thought! So then I explained that mommy did not glorify God because she selfishly wasted time in the morning and wanted to catch up on the dishes. I explained that we are often late when we selfishly think our time is more important than someone else’s time (one of the verses we talk about is “Let each esteem others better than himself”). Calling someone is important because it is thinking about the other person’s time, and not just our own.

Imagine how much I would have missed had I settled for “It’s not polite to…”!Similar Posts:

Thank You for Obedience?

Michelle — Thu, 03 May 2007 10:36:26 +0000

When do you say “thank-you” to your children?

Â When they do something kind unexpectedly, without prompting.
When they respond to a polite request, like “Please pass the broccoli” or “Please bring me a diaper for baby.”
When they do something they are supposed to be doing: “Thank you for playing so unselfishly with your sister” or “Thank you for being quiet when Mommy said it was naptime.”
When they obey: “Thank you for obeying right away.” or “Give to Mommy. [pause] Thank you.”

I’ve watched on a number of occasions the enlightened, overly attentive mothers and they say thank you all the time, for just about any time the child does something right. They probably say thank you more than I do, but I regularly say it for all four situations. Still, I’m a bit uncomfortable with being too liberal with thank yous for completed obedience. It’s not the same situation as a kind deed done for each other. It almost feels like an expression of out of control relief addressed to a superior: “Thanks for not throwing a temper tantrum in the middle of the Butterfly House.” I’m wondering if I sound as nauseating as the mothers I’ve been watching the last week and a half.

Perhaps a simple, “I appreciate it when you obey so quickly” might be better.
But written down, it doesn’t seem much different. Maybe it has nothing to do with the words at all. Maybe it’s the compulsion to praise everything right about the child as part of a reciprocal self-esteem ritual. Maybe it’s just the demeanor of other mothers.Similar Posts: