7May2008

Winning the Food War

Posted by Michelle under: Mealtime.

I’ve been thinking about how simple routines with babies establish authority and lay a foundation for teaching obedience later on. What’s fun is that there’s a lot of freedom in how we teach authority and obedience. Mealtime is one situation where we generally manipulate the environment to avoid battles, but we still manage to stay in control. It’s just one way of many that parents choose to order their mealtime.

Since it’s a losing battle to force a child to swallow food he doesn’t want to, we take a different approach.

We generally require two bites of anything I make, but that’s all. If they don’t eat much for dinner, they’ll eat a big breakfast and be fine.

However, if our children want fruit or dessert at mealtime, they have to eat more. We determine how much they have to eat in a very unscientific formula of how distasteful the food is, how able they are to understand the concept of if/then, and what their “breaking point” is.

For example, the other night we had lentil soup. David and Laurel didn’t like it. We told David (almost five) he had to eat all of his soup if he wanted dessert (which is a rare occasion when we don’t have company; usually the incentive is fruit). He wanted the dessert, so he ate the soup (a half cup), even though he was really having a hard time swallowing the food without gagging (I do have some compassion; I’ll wait awhile before making this soup again.)

Laurel (18 months), on the other hand, doesn’t understand the words “if you eat all your soup, you can have your chocolate mousse.” She hears “have your chocolate mousse” and becomes angry when it doesn’t come right away. She also doesn’t have the attention span to eat the whole bowl before she gets dessert. To keep from overly frustrating her beyond the breaking point, I simply told her she could have a bite of mousse when she ate a bite of soup. She didn’t understand that, so I got a spoonful of mousse and put it on her tray. Then I tried to give her a spoonful of soup. She finally understood, but she didn’t like it.

No problem. I have defined the winnable battle: first soup; then mousse. She cried for a few minutes (it was hard, but I ignored her), but she really wanted that chocolate on her tray, so she finally picked up the spoon full of mousse. I then gave her a tiny spoonful of soup, which she reluctantly ate. Then she ate her mousse. She wanted more, so I got another spoonful of mousse, put it on the tray, and offered a bite of soup. Again, she ate the offered soup. In this way, she ate the entire bowl of soup.

Later, I’ll require two bites, and then a bite of dessert. When she can handle that, I’ll keep increasing the goal until she eats the whole portion like her older brother and sister.

There are other ways of handling mealtime challenges. Want to share?

Popularity: 37% [?]

Popularity: 37% [?]

13November2007

Teaching an Infant to Behave

Posted by Michelle under: Child Development; Mealtime.

I keep forgetting how often what I think is misbehavior in Laurel (13 months) is really trying to do what her older siblings are doing. Sometimes she truly cannot do what they are doing (like cut and paste paper nighthawks). Other times she is stretching herself to do something well within her ability to learn (even if I don’t realize it).

One of the challenges we face is her standing up at the piano and in her high chair. Consistent enforcement of the rules (she can’t play the piano if she stands up, and she has to come out of the bath if she stands) and a high chair seatbelt have helped her learn to stay sitting, most of the time. However, yesterday morning Laurel stood up, and I took a few seconds to consider her motives before I did anything. I realized she was trying to see inside her daddy’s cereal bowl, and then I realized she might be able to spoon her own cereal. Now… she’s not shown much interest with the spoon, and she’s only mildly interested in the cereal.

However, when I put the bowl in front of her, she was giddy with excitement. I remember from the other two that cheerios floating in milk are quite easy to scoop up with a spoon. She began to eat with gusto, checking every so often at what the rest of her family were doing, beaming at our approval for her new skill.

Yes, I had to help her, guiding her spoon (but not taking it away), reminding her to use her spoon rather than her hand, and to make sure she had enough cereal (after awhile it gets harder to spoon up the stray cheerios). Yes, she spilled a lot of cheerios and milk (this morning I used Bethel’s kangaroo bib). I figure, though, which would I rather do: tell her to stop standing up, throwing down her food, challenging the trustworthiness of the sippee cup? or helping her to learn a new skill?

Let me think on this awhile.

Popularity: 19% [?]

Popularity: 19% [?]

10September2007

Wisdom and Demand Feeding

Posted by Michelle under: Mealtime; Wisdom.

How you choose to feed your baby is not a spiritual issue, but because a number of folks try to make it so, a good reminder is helpful now and then. Nancy Wilson gives a great response on her blog. Wisdom is the principal thing. Get wisdom!

Popularity: 17% [?]

Popularity: 17% [?]

3September2007

Priorities for Morning Chores

Posted by Michelle under: Chores; Mealtime.

A few months ago I was debating my priorities  for my morning schedule. I have come to the conclusion that getting ready for the day should happen before breakfast. (All the Type A readers hold your applause; it embarrasses me.) Here is what I discovered:

• I found that having the children get dressed and clean their rooms before breakfast was good for me. Maybe it’s the routine, maybe it’s just pacing the first part of the morning so I don’t rush and skip important things, perhaps getting a good start helps me continue to make right choices. In any case, I feel better with the change.
• Doing chores before breakfast results in a greater likelihood that the chores will actually get done. Getting the teeth brushed before breakfast is better than not brushing them at all (which is what had been happening).
• Checklists work with my four year old, but aren’t exciting to my two year old, probably because she still isn’t as independent as she would like to be. I suspect successful potty training will make a difference. Maybe I just need to be walking her through the checklist. I’ll try that this week.
• The change is easier (better and I think more effective) for my older one. He can do all his chores independently, most of the time, but Bethel still needs help getting dressed, making her bed, and brushing her teeth. Maybe I should have said, the change is easier for my older one than for me.
• Obstacles sometimes interfere with priorities. Sometimes when the baby needs attention, I’ve had to tell the kids to play before we have breakfast. For David that means he’s all ready; for Bethel that means she plays in her pajamas until I can help her. If I’m behind in laundry, the children can’t get dressed (David likes to match, Bethel just likes to have clothes on. We have had both problems. )

Popularity: 22% [?]

Popularity: 22% [?]

8July2007

Crying for Food

Posted by Michelle under: Mealtime.

I thought of yesterday’s crying post when we ate lunch (and dinner) today. When Laurel (nearly nine months old) sits down in her high chair, she wants food now. Waiting for everyone to get in place, and for prayer isn’t easy. I’m tempted to give her a little bit of food to hold her over while we pray; after all, she doesn’t understand why she cannot have food right away. I certainly don’t think it’s bad to take this approach, but I think learning to wait is within her ability to learn, so we hold her hands and pray as usual. She’s starting to get it, even though she does cry a bit sometimes while we’re praying. For awhile, she pulled her hands away, but now she lets us hold her hands. Cruel, to force her to hold hands for a 30-second prayer? Cruel, to let her cry while we pray? I don’t think so. Of course, a mom must be sensitive to the ability of her children to wait, and not push far beyond that ability. Like a good coach, who pushes his team just a little bit further beyond what they think they are capable of, a wise mom will also push her children to maturity. Push too hard, and you discourage your children; don’t push at all, and some children may not achieve their potential. Delayed gratification is a good lesson, even for a baby. Come to think of it, it’s a good lesson for me.

Popularity: 13% [?]

Popularity: 13% [?]

31May2007

Busy Day

Posted by Michelle under: In the Car and on the Go; Mealtime.

Today will be a busy day. I have a number of errands to run before we fly out tomorrow, and I still need to finish cleaning my house.

I’ve noticed during these fairly high stress times that my own kids can mirror my own tension. I need to remember that sometimes instead of pushing them off while I try to get work done isn’t nearly as helpful for me or them as taking a few minutes of undivided attention for them. We’ll see how I do.

We have some swallows building a nest on our roof, and David is keen to identify and draw birds right now. I think we’ll talk about Matthew 10:29-31 at breakfast this morning, instead of me dashing around like a chicken with its head cut off. (I’ll dash around after breakfast!)

Popularity: 18% [?]

Popularity: 18% [?]

16April2007

“That’s okay, Mommy”

Posted by Michelle under: Mealtime.

Two bits of information about me: First, I inherited a love of tablecloths from my grandmother. Few things can put me in a good mood as quickly as a clean tablecloth and a pretty bowl on the table. Second, most of the time, I’m usually a pretty laid back mom. When a child spills something, or makes a mess, I typically say, “That’s okay. Go get a towel.” Thanks to my mom who taught me making a mess was okay as long as you cleaned it up.

But there are sometimes when my kids imitate my “That’s okay” and it drives me crazy! For example, we don’t typically use sippee cups. I have glass juice cups that we use (it doesn’t matter if they break because we never use them otherwise) and for the most part they’re careful (and we keep an eye on the cups to make sure they’re not on the edge of the table). We don’t have many spills.

However, when David can go through two tablecloths in a single meal and wastes two perfectly good cups of milk, simply because he was careless, I rue my laid-back attitude, because he says, “That’s okay, Mommy.” I’m at a loss to convey the need to be careful, but at the same time not make a big deal out of accidents beyond our control.

Popularity: 16% [?]

Popularity: 16% [?]

6April2007

Breakfast Transparency

Posted by Michelle under: Humility; Mealtime; Prayer.

Psalm 78:4

We will not hide them from their children,
Telling to the generation to come the praises of the LORD,
And His strength and His wonderful works that He has done.

While we shouldn’t display empty ritual for the purpose of showing our children how spiritual we are, there is a sense where it is good and right to be transparent when God truly works in our lives. I think it is right to allow some of our normally private spiritual life to be public for this reason.

This feels awkward. Right after the Pharisee post, I prayed for breakfast with the children. After we say thank you for the food, I usually pray for them (obedience or kindness), to be a blessing to any particular people we will see that day, and then for me. I want my children to understand that talking to God isn’t simply a ritual prayer (God is great. God is good.)

Now, normally when I pray for myself, I pray in the affirmative, as in Help mommy to get her work done, to be diligent, give mommy wisdom in situation X, and so on. This morning, my heart had been stirred to repentance by God’s word, and my natural inclination was to thank God for this gift, but because I was praying out loud, I found it difficult to actually say, “Thank you for your gift of repentance for my selfishness.”

I found it interesting that I could easily (by practice) say, “Help me not to be lazy” but find difficulty saying, “Thank you for helping mommy to see she was wrong to be lazy”

There’s a lot I don’t know… how transparent should I be? How deliberate should my transparency be? should I have specific thoughts/ facets of spiritual life that I want to share with my children in response to their needs, or should it be completely spontaneous? perhaps if I’m aware of the needs of my children (lack of understanding that confession is a part of prayer), God will give me the opportunity to model it (and the grace to recognize the opportunity).

Guess I need more wisdom… and I know where that comes from.

That the generation to come might know them,
The children who would be born,
That they may arise and declare them to their children,
That they may set their hope in God,
And not forget the works of God,
But keep His commandments;

Psalm 78:6-7

Popularity: 35% [?]

Popularity: 35% [?]

3April2007

“I’m going to tell on you!”

Posted by Michelle under: Getting Along; Mealtime.

Watching the older children at our house yesterday gave me some insight into at least some kinds of tattling. I have wondered how to deal with tattling, since there are times when you want children to tell. It seems daunting to try to teach your child when to tattle and when not to tattle. It hasn’t been a big problem yet. With my three and two year olds, I have actually encouraged them to come to mom for help when they can’t solve the problem. (Say, Help me Mommy. I have a problem.) I’ll usually suggest something they can do, and then “gently” guide the other child into a response. I’m dealing with anger on this level by giving them words and problem solving skills necessary to solve their conflict. At some point they should have the problem solving skills to manage on their own. I’m not there yet, though!

I noticed yesterday that every time there was tattling, it was the result of anger. “I’m going to tell on you” was an angry arrow designed to hurt the other child. The problem wasn’t tattling; it was anger. Dealing with the anger seems like a better approach than dealing with the tattling.

And as I’m thinking about this topic, I wonder if my response can encourage or discourage tattling. I wonder if being swift to judgment or discipline of the offender increases the potency of “I’m going to tell on you!” I wonder if encouraging kids to solve their problems on their own (which takes much more work for the tattler) might not discourage tattling. I wonder.

Popularity: 15% [?]

Popularity: 15% [?]

14March2007

Sandwich Crisis

Posted by Michelle under: Emotions; Mealtime.

A tired David came crying into the living room yesterday. Daddy had decided to make hot dogs, unaware that David had already asked me for a peanut butter and honey sandwich. I cringed from the other room when I heard Lee say “You can have a sandwich tomorrow. Today we’re having hot dogs.” Sure enough, David burst into tears and came into the living room telling me the problem.

So as I’m trying to comfort David (with a nursing baby on my lap), I’m pondering the situation of two parents who unknowingly give contrary instructions. Should I intervene and tell Lee I had already told David he could have a sandwich? Lee would probably have made the sandwiches had he known before he started making something else, but he had already settled the matter with David. Should I do anything? Would it be better to follow through with my promise, or would that be reinforcing the belief that David’s crying is an effective way to get what he wants?

Confession: I forgot to pray for wisdom.

I decided that Daddy still has veto power in Brock family structure and told him “Daddy said you could have a sandwich tomorrow.” A sob errupted. Then I said “You don’t get what you cry for.” More tears. At this point I was afraid he wasn’t going to eat anything, even though I knew he was quite hungry, but as the cousins came in for lunch, David decided to join them (still snuffling, but not crying). A few quiet minutes later, I came in the kitchen saw that Lee had given him some honey to put on his hot dog. What a dad!

Popularity: 17% [?]

Popularity: 17% [?]