I want my children to develop right opinions about modesty, far before their friends do. I want my daughters to know why they dress differently than their friends, so when they are asked, they’ll not be shamed into silence and resentment. Knowing why before they are challenged is an inoculation.

But teaching children to have strong opinions has consequences. They may decide they don’t like the clothes I’ve been picking out for them. As I cultivate their confidence regarding other people’s opinions of what’s in style or appropriate or pretty, it is inevitable that they will all grow in their confidence to challenge my opinions on what is in style or appropriate or pretty. I’m convinced this is a necessary and delightful consequence of preparing a young girl to grow to love modesty.

How am I teaching this confidence now, when my daughters are young?  By pointing out how ladies around them have developed different styles that are beautiful and modest. By asking for and respecting their opinion on matters of color and style, within certain parameters. By considering them as individuals with their own personality, and trying to discover and help them develop their own sense of style, even though it might be different than my own. My mom was a great example of this. While other girls complained about never wearing anything that their mother picked out for them, I always loved the things my mom picked out. She knew what I liked, and she also knew when to push me to try something new that I might not have picked out, but ended up liking. I realize now that her approach wasn’t accidental, or just because she has good taste! Her ability to predict what I would like was the result of deliberate study.

We also discuss silly people who don’t know why they wear what they wear. I want to see themselves as outside the group of people who don’t have an opinion, or who are manipulated in their clothing choices. I want them to see the folly of following trends for their own sakes, before they feel the pull of following trends. Here are some things I’ve said:

• Some people [I get a lot of mileage out of "some people"] wear what’s in style, even if it doesn’t look good on them. How silly is that! [sometimes we see real life examples!]
• Some girls love to be modest, but when they get married, they forget to look for a modest wedding dress!
• Some girls would be embarrassed to wear their underwear to the beach, but they’ll wear a bikini! Amazing!
• Some girls would rather look like their friends than be comfortable!
• I tell them about when I was younger, how I had friends who would tell me to buy things that THEY liked or thought was pretty, not what I liked.
• We talk about why certain clothes are attractive, how certain colors work well together, and so on. I want to help them know why they always choose a certain style or color, and part of this strategy means I need to give them words.

Little girls don’t really understand sexual purity yet. We can talk about not showing off our bodies to anyone other than a husband; they understand this to some degree, but there’s a lot about modesty that is governed by trust. On the other hand, they easily understand how people are controlled by peer pressure to wear certain clothes.

Of course, I can’t stop at simply cultivating opinionated children.  What’s important to me is not merely that my children have strong opinions, but also that they understand and embrace good biblical reasons for having them.

I’m sounding like my mother!

Next goal:I want them to understand how clothing manufacturers market clothing. [after today's discussion, I bet you can understand why.]Similar Posts:

• Goals for Teaching Modesty
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• I want them to understand what modesty is and is not.
• I want them to like being modest.
• I want them to admire modesty and others who dress modestly.
• I want them to understand how clothing manufacturers market clothing.
• I want them to become fiercely independent in the development of personal style and color choices.

I’m sure I have other goals. Perhaps I’ll add to my list later.Similar Posts:

• Independence, Opinions, and Modesty
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• Attempting to be Modest
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Yesterday I was reminded of something I’ve wanted to blog (think) about. As our children get older, we’ve been getting more and more opportunities to teach them about modesty. It’s a fun topic for me, and one that I’m realizing is almost completely different when it comes to teaching it to my own children. I’m learning as I go.

I’m fascinated in the growth of a sense of style. They avoid certain colors. They aren’t afraid to offer opinions when we’re shopping for new clothes. They also tend to develop favorites, at times leaving perfectly wearable clothes unworn while the preferred clothes grow holes from use. Confession: I don’t choose their clothes on a daily basis. I make suggestions, and I do reserve veto power. For example, if they want to wear the jeans with holes to a nice company picnic, I do make them wear a different pair, unless I’m behind in laundry and then I go to Plan B!

In general, for play clothes, I let them wear the same outfit two days in a row (provided last night’s spaghetti isn’t splattered on the front). And their choices are limited by my discipline to launder the clothes regularly. If I haven’t done laundry, then they end up wearing the really cute outfit I got on sale that somehow stays in the back of the bottom drawer, under long underwear and behind mismatched pajamas. Falling behind in the laundry has its advantages.

For church clothes, it’s a different story. I want them to look respectable. I’m not a little distressed when I realize I didn’t notice that there’s a spot on that clean shirt, that a daughter’s dress is too short suddenly, or that someone is wearing pants that obviously sat in a pile of laundry for a week and are hopelessly wrinkled. Out of this desire for respectability has come a dress rule: You can’t wear the same dress two weeks in a row. I have this rule because my daughters would wear the same dress every week if they could, and I have a vague sense that they shouldn’t do this. So they dutifully put aside the favored dress for something that satisfies my arbitrary  rule.

However, on introspective days, I wonder about my arbitrary rule. What am I trying to accomplish by requiring a rotation of clothes? Am I simply aware that people might notice that my child wears the same dress every week and think I’m a bad (or strange) mother? What’s so bad about having one church dress? Is it my shallow American thinking that to be proper, one’s daughters must have multiple dresses for church? I want them to recognize how their clothing choices affect others, and I want them to care about their appearances, but I don’t want clothing to be an idol.

In I Timothy, we overlook the fact that the modesty issue Paul was addressing was one of excessive attention to beauty and dress, the competitive approach to church appearances that alienates instead of draws people in. What should that look like in America? And how far do we accommodate even our church culture? Would wearing a single dress each week distract? Or would it actually be consistent with the biblical principle behind this passage?

I’m coming to a conclusion on this one. I certainly don’t think that having a variety of dresses is sinful or excessive; however, it is not inappropriate to allow my children to limit their own clothing choices at this time.

I desire therefore that the men pray everywhere, lifting up holy hands, without wrath and doubting; ⁹ in like manner also, that the women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with propriety and moderation, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or costly clothing, ¹⁰ but, which is proper for women professing godliness, with good works. I Timothy 2:8-9

Similar Posts:

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So I’m thinking ahead. Last week we spent some time talking about ad blockers, how they work, and why we don’t want ads on the computer. My goal: I want them to realize that they don’t see ads when they are on the computer because I (or their father) has deliberately blocked them. Eventually, I want to teach him how to use this software. For the moment, I just want him to know that ad-blocking software exists, and that you have to deliberately use them.

Today we talked about viruses, how they work, and how people often (though not always) bring them on themselves. This was mostly a discussion with David. He wanted to do some research on endangered birds, and I want to teach him that curiosity must always be tempered with self-discipline. (Not all curiosity is good to satisfy. Sometimes we should turn away from those things that make us curious.) At his level, this means evaluating internet addresses  before clicking on them, and being careful not to click on any link that looks interesting. He has been doing research with me sitting next to him, so I can watch what he needs to know.

I’m thinking about making this a deliberate study. I’ve already got several lectures on internet research and evaluating sources, but that was for an older audience. As I think about internet safety, I’m realizing that there is much I can teach appropriately on a seven year old level. This is important, and David in particular is at an age where he’s very interested in everything I say on this topic. I want to take advantage of his developmental interest and lack of knowledge. He may not be as receptive as he gets older.

What other skills do they need to know before they’re adults purchasing new computers for the first time on their own?Similar Posts:

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First, it doesn’t really bother me THAT culture seems to inform our understanding of biblical femininity or masculinity. This seems logical and reasonable, and quite consistent with biblical principles of culture and Christianity. Sometimes there is a divergence (and I haven’t even begun to think about how and when in this context).

The inequality of thought bothers me (that I’m more restrictive in how I define masculinity than how I define femininity), but I think it’s okay that I don’t have it all figured out. It’s possible that the tendency of our culture towards certain excesses cause people to respond to that particular immediate need. In light of the march of militant feminism, perhaps Christians in the past responded with more time thinking about biblical femininity than masculinity. As we see our culture move toward a more matriarchal society, perhaps we’ll see greater attention placed on responding with the need for cultivating Godly male leadership.

When I get bogged down, I keep asking myself, what biblical principles are non-negotiable? How does God’s Word help me here?

Two things help me (and if you have other overarching principles, please share!):

First, Distinction. I am confident that God created gender on purpose. He made male and female different, and it pleases him for us to be distinct. (Although Deut. 22:5 has been misused in the past, it does illustrate this principle.) As a result of this way of thinking, my overall goal is to be different. Women can be distinctively female in a wide variety of ways, but the basic idea is still a good one. I like wearing skirts. If I’m going shopping, I’ll put on a skirt, not merely because I like them and find them comfortable, but also because they are distinctively female clothing. That’s a good thing, and worth encouraging. If I’m hiking, I want to take care that the overall effect leaves no doubt that I am a woman, and balances the fact that my clothing is in some ways less distinctively female. [i.e., I'm not hiking in a skirt.]

Second, Contentment. However I dress or act, contentment with who I am and the role God gave me is not negotiable. As I develop interests and hobbies, as I plan the things that occupy my time, it is wise to plan those things which help me to be content and flourish where God has placed me. When I was unmarried, I needed to gain a sense of what God’s plan for me included. Paul’s discussion on the role of the single believer was helpful for me in seeing the specific and unique place I had as a single woman in God’s church. I believe that is the essence of femininity. Now that I have a husband and children, understanding who I am and what I hope to accomplish must also be consistent with the new role God gave me.

I can encourage my daughters to pursue those things which will give them the ability to fulfill God’s plan with joy, as an expression of their own personality and abilities. I can encourage the development of those skills which will allow her to create a beautiful home. Sewing? Cooking? Sure. Building beautiful furniture? Yes. One isn’t required to crochet lacy doilies to be “feminine.” One may in fact love her husband and children by seeking frogs in a bog. Another may eschew icky things and use special spoons with which to stir her tea. If a love of frogs and bogs keeps a woman from being hospitable, she’s not feminine.  (Hospitality is commanded for believers, and since it is intrinsically associated with the home, it is something I believe a feminine woman will make a priority, regardless of marital status.)

Likewise, a young wife who loves all things dainty may find that she is unable to show genuine Christian hospitality without offending her own sense of order. This also is a problem.

If I’m going to encourage my daughters to develop interests, I’ve got wide latitude in how I do so. I could encourage the frogs in a bog, and I can encourage tea parties. Sometimes I can encourage both. But I cannot encourage everything, because I don’t have enough time in the day. It makes sense to prioritize. Sometimes I have no control of factors that might make a difference in my child’s development.  (A girl in a family of boys will have more exposure to frogs than a girl without brothers.) Can a young girl be feminine and wrestle with boys? How about sisters wrestling? I’ve pondered these questions. Here’s my conclusion. Wrestling isn’t going to help her in her pursuit of godliness and femininity, and thus I’m going to discourage it. Climbing trees and finding frogs could be feminine. I won’t discourage it, but I think it might be wiser to encourage other, “more feminine” things. Given a choice between fixing the car with daddy and baking cookies with mom, I’m going to encourage the cookies more. It’s a higher priority, but it doesn’t mean that fixing the car with daddy is a bad activity.

Tomorrow we’ll talk about some principles I’ve found have helped me prioritize what I work on and what I encourage. Then later I’ll talk about masculinity in the same way.Similar Posts:

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This is also why I feel strongly about teaching my children to choose good and wise friends, long before they have the ability to choose their own friends independently of parents. Skateboarding is inherently fine by me, but I’m not going to encourage my son to become a professional skateboarder. Why not? Because the skateboarding culture is godless, drug ridden, and at odds with Christ and His Word. In keeping with my mom’s encouragement to think ahead, I want to ask myself what I want my children to look like when they are adults. How do I want my daughters to behave around young men, and my son around young women?

This brings me to the question of femininity and masculinity.

Here’s an experiment: Make a list of ten activities or interests you would likely not want your ten-year-old son to pursue because they are too feminine, in some way. Now make a list of ten activities or interests you would likely not want your ten-year-old daughter to pursue, because they are too masculine. Did you do it? Did you have a harder time with one list or the other? I realize that this isn’t a challenging task for some parents, but it was for me.

That’s the trouble actually. I can think of a number of “feminine” activities that I’m not comfortable with my son doing, but I don’t tend to have the same reluctance when it comes to “masculine” activities and my girls.  That puzzles me.

Now, I don’t think that climbing trees is inappropriate for a lady of any age  but I’m particularly asking myself about neutral activities like this. If I encourage my daughters to pursue activities and habits that are in our culture understood as masculine, am I making it more difficult for her to transition to a feminine adult?

I’ll talk tomorrow more about femininity and masculinity.Similar Posts:

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Since I enjoy children’s literature, I find the development of spirited heroines in the twentieth century to be greatly interesting. We like Laura, who speaks her mind and isn’t content to sit in a corner to sew demurely. Mary seems pale and uninteresting, and so she is, because the author saw her that way.

Here is my question, and I’ll spend a few days discussing what I’m thinking.

Is my perception of the development of femininity shaped more by the children’s literature I’ve read than Scripture and biblical principles?Similar Posts:

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Last week when we were at the thrift store looking for books, David and Bethel were excited to find some birding magazines. One of them was a Smithsonian, and although I glanced at it when they brought a stack over, I didn’t think anything other than pleasure that the bird magazines appeared to have good articles, and thankfulness that they don’t have ads that must be removed. Later that afternoon, I realized that the Smithsonian magazine was not in the stack when David informed me that it had bad pictures in it and he had put it back.

I wanted to take the time to talk about the immoral woman in the context of David making a wise decision to put the magazine back and tell mom about it. Here is what we talked about.

• First, I read the passage about needing discernment and making our lips security guards for knowledge (verse 2). I explained some things are wise not to talk about with some people. That’s why I can talk with Laurel about poop when I’m helping her in the bathroom, but not allow her to talk about it in the car among her siblings as a joke. I wanted them to understand that some knowledge is private.
• Next, I read about the immoral woman appearing good when she really was extremely dangerous (verses 3-5). I explained that the magazine David found looked like a good magazine. It had a beautiful bird picture on the cover, but the inside had bad pictures in it (truthfully, I don’t know how bad they were, but that doesn’t matter for my teaching opportunity). I asked, “Does the immoral woman always look dangerous?” NO!  They got the answer right! I wanted them to understand that sin often appears attractive.
• I then read the portion that tells us to get far away from the immoral woman (verse 8). David could have decided that he would look at the good parts of the magazine and not said anything about the bad parts. But he put it back and told mom. That’s exactly what Solomon tells us to do. (I do think asking mom to remove the offending pictures would be another acceptable action, but we haven’t talked about that yet.)  We are not to reason with the immoral woman, try to convert her or convince her that she’s in danger. We are not to be cavalier about sin, and I want them to understand that running away from sin is a wise response.
• Finally, I read the portions about enjoying one’s own wife (verses 15-18). I explained that this is why I don’t let anyone else touch my private parts except my husband, and that he enjoys this very much, just like King Solomon says. I want them to know that God’s ways are the best ways.

This post is a Wisdom Wednesday because I was convicted that God’s Word makes it clear that parents should be teaching their children about the dangers of the immoral woman, and the great value of the beautiful woman called wisdom. God showed me that I had a good opportunity to bring it up in a positive way. Maybe I’ll follow up this discussion with reading the chapters on wisdom, and then reading the Proverbs 31 chapter, too.

My son, pay attention to my wisdom;
Lend your ear to my understanding,
² That you may preserve discretion,
And your lips may keep knowledge. Proverbs 5:1

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At a school in Maine this year, students who engaged in attention-getting behaviors were denied their diplomas. They were warned ahead of time, apparently, perhaps making this situation at its heart not about modesty, but about submission to authority (as so many examples of immodesty are).

I’m not really interested in whether they followed the rules or whether the rules were clear. Apart from the root issue of submitting to authority, I’m curious about the behavior. What if nobody had issued an edict against grandstanding? What then?

Perhaps this student interviewed really was intending to draw attention and give credit to his mother, as he states. In reality, he drew attention to himself. Since modesty deflects attention away from self, he might have been unintentionally immodest, but he was immodest all the same.

Now, it could be argued that if there were any time to applaud the individual, it is at graduation. It might be argued that the school should allow a little attention getting behavior, since, after all, these students have worked hard and achieved something. The problem with this argument is that the organization of graduation ceremonies tend to balance recognition of the individual with consideration for the group. A small graduation of 10 seniors wouldn’t be adversely affected by cheers after each name is called. A graduating class of 100 would be. Cheers for one student make it hard to hear the next student’s name being called.

There’s nothing intrinsically wrong with an informal graduation. Dispense with the cap and gown, if you like, give each senior a shout out, and let them all scramble up to a table to receive their diplomas.

But if the occasion is a ceremony, solemnly giving respect to the accomplishments of students, then the attention-getting cheers and behaviors actually show disrespect for the students and the audience. There is a time for serious reflection. Taking the time to be serious actually heightens the recognition and respect for the individual. The day is set apart. It is not thrown together in a jolly sort of impromptu scramble.

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I hesitated about this for awhile. I don’t want to draw attention to something that right now is of minor importance. And yet, I do want them in the habit of being thankful for the gender that God created them to be.

The decision was received without much ado.Similar Posts:

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