Last week when we were at the thrift store looking for books, David and Bethel were excited to find some birding magazines. One of them was a Smithsonian, and although I glanced at it when they brought a stack over, I didn’t think anything other than pleasure that the bird magazines appeared to have good articles, and thankfulness that they don’t have ads that must be removed. Later that afternoon, I realized that the Smithsonian magazine was not in the stack when David informed me that it had bad pictures in it and he had put it back.

I wanted to take the time to talk about the immoral woman in the context of David making a wise decision to put the magazine back and tell mom about it. Here is what we talked about.

• First, I read the passage about needing discernment and making our lips security guards for knowledge (verse 2). I explained some things are wise not to talk about with some people. That’s why I can talk with Laurel about poop when I’m helping her in the bathroom, but not allow her to talk about it in the car among her siblings as a joke. I wanted them to understand that some knowledge is private.
• Next, I read about the immoral woman appearing good when she really was extremely dangerous (verses 3-5). I explained that the magazine David found looked like a good magazine. It had a beautiful bird picture on the cover, but the inside had bad pictures in it (truthfully, I don’t know how bad they were, but that doesn’t matter for my teaching opportunity). I asked, “Does the immoral woman always look dangerous?” NO!  They got the answer right! I wanted them to understand that sin often appears attractive.
• I then read the portion that tells us to get far away from the immoral woman (verse 8). David could have decided that he would look at the good parts of the magazine and not said anything about the bad parts. But he put it back and told mom. That’s exactly what Solomon tells us to do. (I do think asking mom to remove the offending pictures would be another acceptable action, but we haven’t talked about that yet.)  We are not to reason with the immoral woman, try to convert her or convince her that she’s in danger. We are not to be cavalier about sin, and I want them to understand that running away from sin is a wise response.
• Finally, I read the portions about enjoying one’s own wife (verses 15-18). I explained that this is why I don’t let anyone else touch my private parts except my husband, and that he enjoys this very much, just like King Solomon says. I want them to know that God’s ways are the best ways.

This post is a Wisdom Wednesday because I was convicted that God’s Word makes it clear that parents should be teaching their children about the dangers of the immoral woman, and the great value of the beautiful woman called wisdom. God showed me that I had a good opportunity to bring it up in a positive way. Maybe I’ll follow up this discussion with reading the chapters on wisdom, and then reading the Proverbs 31 chapter, too.

My son, pay attention to my wisdom;
Lend your ear to my understanding,
² That you may preserve discretion,
And your lips may keep knowledge. Proverbs 5:1

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At a school in Maine this year, students who engaged in attention-getting behaviors were denied their diplomas. They were warned ahead of time, apparently, perhaps making this situation at its heart not about modesty, but about submission to authority (as so many examples of immodesty are).

I’m not really interested in whether they followed the rules or whether the rules were clear. Apart from the root issue of submitting to authority, I’m curious about the behavior. What if nobody had issued an edict against grandstanding? What then?

Perhaps this student interviewed really was intending to draw attention and give credit to his mother, as he states. In reality, he drew attention to himself. Since modesty deflects attention away from self, he might have been unintentionally immodest, but he was immodest all the same.

Now, it could be argued that if there were any time to applaud the individual, it is at graduation. It might be argued that the school should allow a little attention getting behavior, since, after all, these students have worked hard and achieved something. The problem with this argument is that the organization of graduation ceremonies tend to balance recognition of the individual with consideration for the group. A small graduation of 10 seniors wouldn’t be adversely affected by cheers after each name is called. A graduating class of 100 would be. Cheers for one student make it hard to hear the next student’s name being called.

There’s nothing intrinsically wrong with an informal graduation. Dispense with the cap and gown, if you like, give each senior a shout out, and let them all scramble up to a table to receive their diplomas.

But if the occasion is a ceremony, solemnly giving respect to the accomplishments of students, then the attention-getting cheers and behaviors actually show disrespect for the students and the audience. There is a time for serious reflection. Taking the time to be serious actually heightens the recognition and respect for the individual. The day is set apart. It is not thrown together in a jolly sort of impromptu scramble.

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I hesitated about this for awhile. I don’t want to draw attention to something that right now is of minor importance. And yet, I do want them in the habit of being thankful for the gender that God created them to be.

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I have a five year old son, and I want him to grow up to be a man of God. For a long time, now, I’ve been thinking about characteristics of godly masculinity, and I’ve recently been thankful to watch godly masculinity in action.

• A man who fears God more than he fears man.
• A man who stoops to right a wrong, regardless of the consequences. One who defends the defenseless, and is willing to inconvenience himself to help someone in need.
• A man who takes the time to teach what is right, rather than simply affirm or enforce what is right.
• A man who is passionate about truth, even at great personal cost. Someone who doesn’t just not tell lies, but who is a faithful truth teller.
• Someone who has the humility to admit when he is wrong, and who isn’t afraid to change when change is the right action.

Recently, I’ve been thankful for my brother, who isn’t perfect, but who has recently had opportunity to demonstrate the integrity I want to see my son emulate. Thanks, Tom, for the encouragement. Truth has not completely fallen in the streets.

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Yesterday was August 5, so at breakfast I opened up to Proverbs 5. I must not have read this chapter out loud with my children before, because I was struck with wondering about the appropriateness of discussing the immoral woman with my young children.

My son, pay attention to my wisdom;
Lend your ear to my understanding,
That you may preserve discretion,
And your lips may keep knowledge.

For the lips of an immoral woman drip honey,
And her mouth is smoother than oil;
But in the end she is bitter as wormwood,
Sharp as a two-edged sword.

Her feet go down to death,
Her steps lay hold of hell.
Lest you ponder her path of life—
Her ways are unstable;
You do not know them.

Proverbs 5:1-6

Actually, I started talking about these verses because verse two talks about honey, and Grandma Brock just gave us a honey pot from when Daddy was a boy. As a result, right now they love honey.

I opted to read the whole chapter, even the part of a wife being like the playful doe and hart (among other things). I omitted nothing. *

I tried to explain flattery and honey. I told them that the immoral woman looks like a nice person, but is not. She tells people how wonderful they are so they will think she’s a nice person, but then she causes them to sin.

I asked them if they thought a person should tell the immoral woman that she was wrong, or get away from her quickly. They thought running away was bad. I showed them that the Bible tells us to run away from the immoral woman.

About verses 18-20 (including how good it is to be intoxicated with a wife’s body and love), I read out loud. I told them that King Solomon reminds us that being married is a wonderful part of God’s plan for us. That’s why mommy and daddy like to spend time together, and that’s why mommy and daddy like to be close to each other and sleep close together. I want to emphasize that God’s way is better, and I decided that this is a good beginning to teaching them about physical intimacy God’s way.

That foolish man (at the beginning of the chapter) thought that he would be happy being close to someone who was not his wife. But King Solomon says that the foolish man is choosing the way of death.

I decided that Proverbs 5 was a very good chapter to read with a preschooler.

* Note: By the way, I hope to hereby preempt the comment that Hebrew youngsters were not allowed to read Song of Solomon until they were adults. I’ve yet to see documentation of this assertion, but I would welcome it if you have it.

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So I stepped aside and chatted with the wife of the store owner, while David navigated his purchase. Later I thought about the quality of taking initiative and developing a sense of leadership as a masculine trait. I was pleased to have a situation where I could safely allow him to exercise some autonomy.

But then I started thinking that for every masculine trait I could think of, it seemed as though I could think of the same trait either commanded to Christians in general (including women), or directly to women. Am I turning egalitarian? Yikes!Similar Posts:

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To clarify, I don’t at this point forbid our children from hugging family friends or adults. I have discouraged physical affection among peers.

There are two issues here. First, I recognize how vulnerable young children are to abuse. Second, I am attentive to the patterns of relationships they are establishing from an early age.

We know that most children who are sexually abused knew their abuser. They are more at risk from a relative or close family friend than a stranger driving by their house on a whim and grabbing them. That doesn’t mean that I’m suspicious of any and all male relatives and friends, but I am careful.

Everyone is going to draw the line in different places. Specific family situations will make a difference in the comfort among one’s own family. I’m much more concerned about people, even good friends, whom I know far less about.

This is one reason I don’t encourage our children to hug and kiss dear friends, but it is not the main reason.

I don’t want the place of affection between my children and unrelated peers and adults to be common and normal. Realistically, when you have two eighteen month olds hugging and kissing, it’s sweet. At some point, it will cease to become sweet and become instead troubling to a parent. Ditto for bikinis on toddlers. The only difference between my position and other parents is that I am drawing the line at an earlier age than other people. I don’t intend to start teaching modesty and purity when my child hits puberty; I want these concepts to be a normal part of our family now. This makes the most sense to me, although certainly sensible parents make different choices than I have. Their situations are different, and God must give each parent the wisdom to respond accordingly. Even in my own situation, I’m addressing the issue earlier than I would like. Ideally, I’d be teaching by example and what I encourage (or don’t encourage). That would probably be sufficient with most children.

The age of my children, the particular set of peers they have (saved and unsaved), their personalities all have influenced the timing of our discussions. My conversations have been directed primarily with my five year old.

From my experience, I cannot say that an awkwardness with affection among unrelated persons necessarily translates to a difficulty developing physical intimacy with a new husband. We are an affectionate family. My husband regularly expresses physical affection with his children and me. Because I was taught a context for physical affection (i.e., marriage), when God gave that context I was quite comfortable making the transition from single life to married life.

I think the teaching of my parents by example and word was critical. Affection and physical intimacy are good, and they never communicated that these things were sinful and shameful. I want my children as they get older to develop the discernment to understand appropriate contexts for touch. I don’t want them to jump when a friend pats them on the shoulder. I don’t want my son to turn his back on a young lady who has slipped on the ice. I am praying for wisdom to know how to communicate these things as well.Similar Posts:

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At one point, I said, “It’s not good to touch someone…” and Bethel finished “when you have dirty hands.” Yes, we’re off to a good start.

I started out talking about mommies and daddies. They like to touch each other. They kiss, and sleep together because they are married. Mommy doesn’t hug other daddies at church, does she? [Yes, I realize that some mommies do] The idea is that God made a context for touching. Touching is good in the right context.

We want to prepare ahead of time for responding to inappropriate touching. It means that some innocent touching is discouraged, but especially when children are young, they are vulnerable.

This is what I told our children they could say “I want to be your friend, but I don’t want to hug you.”

One child responded, “But I like to hug them.” All right, hug your cousins, then.

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On a whim, I did an internet search on teaching purity to children. Two of the books I saw mentioned were ones I’ve heard of before but not picked up: The Princess and the Kiss or the guy equivalent The Squire and the Scroll. Maybe I will someday. I looked them up recently to see if they would be good to add to our library. When I read the summaries, particularly with a son in mind (since he’s my oldest. I’ll be thinking about my daughters soon enough), I started feeling dissatisfied with this approach (although I’m certain these books have been a blessing and useful tool for teaching purity).

It’s not that they’re saying anything unbiblical, as far as I can tell. It’s just that King Solomon compiled a whole book in part designed to help young people be pure. Why not start there? I was convicted that I was looking for a book, someone’s words, maybe a nice bulleted list or step by step instructions somewhere, without first considering what the Bible had to say. Have you ever done this?

So this afternoon I opened Proverbs while thinking about purity and my children. I was struck that I’m worried about a fruit (kids touching) without even thinking about the roots (in a sense wisdom). My children need to learn to love wisdom. That was Solomon’s emphasis quite a bit before he began talking about the “strange woman” (the immoral woman in the Bible).

I’m not giving up on the topic, but I’m thinking that this is where I’m going to start my searching for wisdom on this topic.

There are some other purity places in the Bible, but I don’t want to get that specific yet! I might not bring up this topic for awhile, but I’ll be reading God’s Word and thinking and praying.Similar Posts:

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On one hand, I want to teach them the sanctity of marriage. It makes just as little sense to start teaching principles of purity when they hit puberty as starting to teach girls modesty when they suddenly look provocative in a bikini. I want biblical principles explained on a preschool level. Maybe I should start by looking at biblical principles, eh?

At the same time, I don’t want to make my children on edge any time they are near someone of the opposite gender. I don’t want them afraid to extend a hand to help someone up. I don’t want them squealing if someone hugs them. I don’t want them being rude if someone has a different idea of purity than we do (although telling somebody “No thank you” is going to be uncomfortable, no matter how kindly one says it).

When I was a preschooler, it was a given that I kissed only my daddy. When the pastor of our church picked me up one Sunday and said, “Can I have a little sugar?” I sputtered in his face. I didn’t know what to say, but I did not want to kiss him. I also remember getting teased by my extended family for kissing a boy in first grade. I didn’t really kiss him; I was behind him in line and kissed his sweater. He never knew what happened.

The problem is, the simple “we don’t do that” and “it’s better to wait until you’re a mommy or daddy” hasn’t been effective. The gleam in their eyes says “but it’s fun” and I know I’m not being convincing enough.

They’re figuring out the difference between physical affection between mommy and daddy, and physical affection among immediate family, and the physical affection among extended family. This is an extended puzzle for me. I do not have any quick answers, but I am confident that God will give me the wisdom I need as I seek Him first.Similar Posts:

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