In the last post, I finished with the observation that I still wanted more children after making the decision with my husband to limit our family. Did this mean we made the wrong decision?
Several months ago, I finally decided to investigate why I had not resumed my periods after giving birth (now, twenty-two months). Nearly certainly, the cause was something called Asherman’s Syndrome. It appeared that God had literally closed up my womb.
All of a sudden, my thinking was challenged. God allowed something significant to happen, something that made questions about His will in the matter obsolete. Now, I became certain that God was leading. It was comforting to see God confirming that the decisions we had made were right.
A long visit with a specialist confirmed a severe case of Asherman’s, which makes a viable pregnancy impossible. God’s Will on this point is quite clear, but I still feel wistful when I see a woman who is expectant. I feel a tug on my heart when I look at tiny baby clothes in a store. On one hand, I have God’s clear leading, and on the other, I am intrigued to see that God didn’t also remove my desire for children. Perhaps this is why I am coming to realize that desire is not always an indicator for God’s Will.
Now I know that we don’t make decisions by our feelings, but marriage and children is one area where women are regularly encouraged to act by their feelings. A woman might try to encourage a single lady by saying “Your desire for marriage is evidence that God has a husband in store for you someday.” A couple are unified in their desire to get married, even in the face of sobering opposition, so that must be God’s will. And the desire for more children confuses women who for one biblically motivated reason or another might have made a decision to limit their families.
Assuming that God said, “No more children” and assuming there’s still an emotional tug in my heart, I can rest confidently in his care. Yes, we are open to adoption, although we are not considering this option at this time. In the meantime, I can use that emotional tug to serve God. We have many children who need love and attention in our own local church, children with and without loving parents. I am reminded of my responsibility to my own children, and I can focus my energy as I journey to a new stage of parenting.
Still, I have questions. Were we premature in making a decision that in hindsight had pretty much been made for us? Dealing with health problems seems a more legitimate reason to limit a family than financial or spiritual problems. Or is it?
Tomorrow I want to think through some of the biblical principles that have been helpful. We need much prayer and earnest seeking of the Lord, because our hearts are deceitful and because our society’s attitude towards family and children is vastly different than what we find in God’s Word.