Mercy – Page 2

September 29, 2016 by Michelle Leave a Comment

The Problems of Writing about Mercy

On the good advice of a friend, I started to write some personal stories about showing mercy to my children. I didn’t finish the first sentence. I started to send her an email about why anecdotes were a bad idea, but I decided to write my discussion here. Maybe I’m desperate for material.

The trouble is this, I’m not at all confident that my friends and readers are prepared to show mercy when we disagree about how we share our parenting stories.

We sense this lack of mercy when we couch our stories with a phrase like “I’m such a bad mom” or when we hesitate to open our imperfect houses to friends. I’ve sensed a problem when I discuss mercy with my friends and acquaintences, and they are far more concerned with the problems of showing mercy than the attempt to get it right.

To complicate my problem, my anecdotes are changing. I’m realizing that the occasions when mercy was appropriate at one age or for one child, or even for a particular situation, are at another age or child all wrong. It’s like sharing anecdotes of wisdom. We have far more metaphors than anecdotes of wisdom in the Bible. Perhaps this is why.

I have been talking about mercy more in how they treat each other (as siblings) than when they are in trouble.

Perhaps I’m also in more need of mercy than they are. When I feel inadequate as a mom, or not doing much more than taking care of of their basic needs, then I am in a good place to receive mercy deliberately before I pass that mercy on to my children. Now to go practice what I preach. Tell me what you are thinking about mercy. Anything?

February 26, 2016 by Michelle 1 Comment

Practical Examples of Showing Mercy

(Read How to Show Biblical Mercy to Our Children first!)

If you’re like me, vague definitions and principles take me only so far. I have to see them in action before I understand them. The more I practice, the more I understand. One week, I recorded examples of mercy with the biblical principles in mind that I had been thinking about. Another week I was more aware of how I lacked mercy. Here are a few of my observations:

With a long list of chores, I told the children we would stop and take a break once their rooms were clean. When they were about three fourths done, friends came over to play. I decided it was merciful to let them stop for a break early. (I did forewarn them that when friends went home, we would get back to work.)
After a morning repeatedly correcting my daughter for leaving toys and clothes wherever she lost her train of thought, I noticed she had left her plate at the table after lunch. Instead of calling her to get it, I figured she had heard enough of my corrections that morning, and put it away without commenting.
One day, my son worked half-heartedly on his homework. At some point, he started working more faithfully. When all was said and done, I told him how happy I was that he had been faithful. My first inclination was to point out “Except for….” or not consider what he did accomplish, because truthfully, he was distracted about as much as he was not distracted. I think it must be mercy to say, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant” when the job wasn’t perfect.
I had opportunity to not bristle when a child (as if on cue) asked what I was making for dinner and then in the next breath declared the meal undesirable. I can be kind, although I’d like to say, “Tough. You can go to bed without supper if you don’t like it.” A kinder approach would be to say “Wait until you’ve tried it.”
When my son couldn’t find his AWANA book in his messy room, I made the choice to help him look (even though he wasn’t looking very thoroughly), and made the choice not to choose that moment to lecture him about his room or being responsible to put books away properly.
I noticed my son eating in bed and asked him, “What are you eating?” After a long pause, he said, “M&Ms.” I then reminded him he’s not allowed to do that, sent him to put away what he hadn’t eaten, and considered the matter closed. Right now, I’m working more on transparency when I ask them what they’ve done. I realize that transparency doesn’t completely eliminate consequences. Adam and Eve are a good example. But at this point, I think I’m trying to separate two virtues (telling the truth, and not doing wrong in the first place).
Mostly I’ve been challenged to help them when they didn’t deserve help, walk them through schoolwork that they could have done without me, praise them for imperfect work, and pick up things that they have left out. As I consider the examples I’ve collected, I realize that I don’t always extend this mercy (perhaps then it would not be mercy). Showing mercy needs to have a purpose in mind. Picking up the paper plate left on the table because I was too lazy to take the time to teach my child would be indulgent. If I picked up the paper plate because I sensed that this morning my children had already been tested to their limit, then perhaps the purpose makes the act merciful.
I’ve noticed that two of my children tend to withdraw when they need attention from their parents. This happens when my husband is working long hours, or when I’ve been distracted or sick. My first reaction is to expect them to reach out and express their need, or to give up when they resist my attempts to reach out. I’ve had much better responses when I take the time to simply find out what’s going on in their lives, what they are excited about, or what they want to do next.
Mercy ignores the inappropriate way they express their hurt when I have wronged them. Part of me has a hard time asking forgiveness without bringing up their bad behavior, and I think that perhaps this is a lack of mercy on my part.

Can you think of any more practical examples of showing mercy that follow God’s example to us?

Exodus 15:13—Mercy leads
Psalm 31:7—Mercy takes time to understand
Psalm 86:5—Mercy sometimes given when asked for
Luke 16:24-31 Mercy sometimes asked for, but not given
Micah 7:18—God delights in showing mercy (Micah 6:8)
Hebrews 4:16—Finding mercy and help in time of need

February 25, 2016 by Michelle 4 Comments

Parenting with Mercy

(If you’re looking for my book by this title, go here.)

Therefore be merciful,
just as your Father also is merciful.
Luke 6:36

When my firstborn was just a baby, Luke 6:36 caught my attention. I could see it was a direct command, and I wanted to obey it, but I hadn’t the foggiest idea how to put it into practice.

Showing mercy isn’t how we think of Christian parenting. We don’t use the word mercy often, and when we do, we define it narrowly: “not punishing my children when they deserve it.”

Every time I tried showing mercy, I felt guilty, as though I were subverting the instruction of my children.

God’s mercy is a Father’s mercy.

When Jesus tells us to be merciful, like God our Father is merciful, he’s giving us a topical assignment: we must discover how God is merciful, and then imitate that mercy with others. Jesus gave an important starting point when he told me to imitate my Father’s mercy. I was excited to think about Jesus using the parent/ child relationship to show an example of God’s mercy, and I decided to start looking to see if I could find ways that I could imitate God’s mercy as a mother to my children.

That plan started a search for mercy in my Bible reading that continues today.

What I didn’t know back then was that our understanding of biblical mercy actually comes from several words translated in English as pity, compassion, steadfast love, loyal love, and the word mercy itself. Love is merciful when there is inequality between the giver and receiver. God shows steadfast love to us. That’s merciful. We love God in response, but it can’t be called mercy. Mercy in the Bible is a subset of God’s goodness and kindness we are told to imitate.

I learned that, far from subverting our discipline, mercy is an integral part of what it means to be a Christian parent . I have a lot to learn about God’s mercy, and I often fall short when I try it out on others. Sometimes I show mercy when I shouldn’t, and sometimes I am too harsh when I should be merciful. Thankfully, I have a Heavenly Father who showers me with daily mercy. He reminds me that I will be better able to show mercy to my children as I learn first hand about his mercy to me.

God’s mercy is expressed in expected and unexpected ways when we sin.

Maybe you’ve heard the statement that “Grace is when God gives us something we don’t deserve [something good], and mercy is when God doesn’t give us what we deserve [something bad].” While this manmade aphorism can be somewhat helpful, it can also stifle our understanding of the broad reach of grace and mercy we see in the Bible. For example, in Scripture, mercy is not exclusively God’s withholding painful consequences when I have sinned.

God’s mercy is patient.

Sometimes God’s mercy is a dramatic display of his patience! Paul told Timothy, “I received mercy for this reason, that… Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience” (1 Timothy 1:16a).

God’s patience with me gives me time to repent. Several times I’ve become aware of a sinful habit, and I am reminded that I can’t see everything I need to change in my life all at once. Did God not care about those sins when I didn’t know about them? It is comforting to consider that God’s patience and timing is always perfect (1 Corinthians 10:13, Psalm 130:3-4), even when it comes to dealing with my sin.

Likewise, I have discovered, particularly with young children, that it is wise to observe behavior before immediately responding in correction. Sometimes the child needs further instruction, or time to mature, and sometimes he may change his behavior on his own. In these cases, by waiting, the parent may discover what to do next. I remember wondering if my 18 month old understood my instruction about throwing Cheerios. I didn’t really know until I had watched him for a bit.

God also gives clarity when the child’s sin increases in response to patience. A greater understanding of a child’s motives and what exactly we hope to accomplish by correction, helps us know better what to do next.

God’s merciful patience also gives us time to repent after we have been corrected (See Jonah 4:2 and Acts 17:30). I can imitate that patience, too. I sometimes expect my children to wipe away the bad attitude and instantly put on the new, with me watching carefully to see if it’s genuine; however, my children often respond far better when I try to help them understand what God expects, and then challenge them to spend some quiet time with God talking to him about the problem. I’ve noticed when I give them space and privacy, they often surprise me with a righteous response when we talk about it later.

God’s mercy is gentle.

I am also more likely to be merciful when I consider how I sometimes struggle with the same root sins as my children (2 Thessalonians 2:7-8). In many cases, showing mercy means talking about the things God is teaching me. I tell my children that I also find it hard to obey when I don’t understand or like what God has said. I, too, have had to trust God when I obey him. Sometimes, as I try to figure out how to be merciful to my children, I discover something that I need to change in my own life (Luke 6:41). I come to realize that the catchy Christian slogans I’ve been telling them are simplistic and not working, and I’m driven to understand why, so that I can help us both.

God’s mercy lightens consequences when we sin in ignorance.

Sometimes God’s mercy results in consequences far less severe than our sin might deserve. Ignorance of the rules seems to be one reason for this kind of mercy (1 Timothy 1:13). Paul’s explanation reminds us that it is appropriate to show mercy to children who “should know better” but don’t, especially if there has not been clear instruction in the first place. When my son burnt a hole in one of my tablecloths while soldering, I responded by asking him to please remove the tablecloth, and use a mat in the future. If he burns another hole in a tablecloth, I’ll probably be asking him to replace it.

God’s mercy lightens consequences when we come to the light in repentance.

God shows mercy when we demonstrate a measure of repentance (Proverbs 28:13). This passage has been one that has been especially helpful for me, because it seems like a straightforward example of God’s mercy that I can imitate. When my children are quick to own up to their sin, I want to imitate God, who gives grace to the humble. Telling the truth about sin is particularly difficult, for children as well as adults, and I want to encourage it as much as possible.

Shortening consequences is hard to do. We’re often afraid not to give consequences to our children because we are afraid of being “inconsistent” or not taking sin seriously. We may have even joined in criticism of “wimpy” mothers who avoid painful discipline. Truthfully, I don’t always know when it is merciful to mitigate discipline. I know that sometimes it is merciful to say only, “go and do not sin any more,” but at other times, that response is not helpful.

Merciful consequences and merciful shortening of consequences should have the same purpose! If shortening consequences results in the peaceable fruit of righteousness, then it’s likely we made a wise decision (See Hebrews 12:5-11). On the other hand, mercy does not mean God does not use painful discipline. In fact, if we mitigate consequences too often, we may find that we frustrate our children who never know what to expect from us. Or they never learn that sin always has negative consequences, even when we don’t see them right away. (See also Isaiah 55:7 and 2 Chronicles 30:9.)

God’s mercy is not always associated with discipline.

We can err by thinking that God cares little about whether we sin or not (ignoring it all), but we can also err by imagining that God responds harshly every time we miss the mark (correcting it all). Consider Moses and his grumbling to God in Numbers 11:10-17. In response to his grumbling, God gave him instruction, not correction and painful discipline. He told him to delegate his responsibility so it wasn’t as overwhelming. In this case, God appears to ignore the grumbling to meet the immediate physical need.

Just like with Moses, God’s lavish kindness is way out of proportion to my feeble awareness of it (Luke 6:35-36).

This kindness to me is the reason I can and must show kindness to the unthankful people in my own life. I’ve been surprised how difficult it is to respond kindly when my children have an entitled or demanding attitude. Not only am I tempted to be irritated and sarcastic, I feel a deep need to correct them every time I notice them not appreciating all I do for them! But if I were to correct my children every time they were selfish or unthankful, I’d be talking non-stop and crush their spirits. While I may not give them what they want, I need to be polite if I want to show mercy. I don’t always know how to respond to my children’s lack of thankfulness, but I suspect I need to overlook more and correct less.

Showing merciful kindness to undeserving people also includes praying for them.

I have found that when I pray for my children, and see their weaknesses from an eternal perspective, I am more patient and merciful with them as I teach them what is right. Since Jesus connects our mercy with how we should treat our enemies, it makes sense that part of showing mercy to undeserving people is praying for them (Matthew 5:44 does sometimes describe a child’s attitude at a single moment!)

Showing mercy to someone can also include meeting physical needs.

In a different passage, the story of the Good Samaritan highlights what it might look like for one person to show mercy to another. This man with physical resources met the physical needs of one who was helpless. A baby isn’t sinning when she cries out of boredom to be held, but she is expressing a helplessness that we can meet. Holding her and cuddling with her can absolutely be merciful. Our children are often afraid of silly things, and often unreasonably emotional. When we meet their needs practically with a nightlight, or a hug and kind words, we are imitating our Heavenly Father’s kind of mercy (Luke 10:36-37).

Children benefit from understanding mercy.

I’ve also discovered that teaching my children to be merciful has made it easier to teach them how to love their siblings when it’s not easy to do so. Because siblings sometimes act like enemies, correctly identifying the appropriate kind response as merciful seems to help them recognize that this kind of mercy is by nature unequal. Because children have a strong sense of justice when it comes to kindness, asking them to show mercy reminds them that parents (and God) are not justifying the ill treatment.

Wisdom in Showing Mercy is Learned Gradually.

Studying mercy has taught me that showing it to my children requires day-by-day wisdom. I don’t know when to show mercy if I don’t understand God’s mercy. I can’t show mercy well unless I know my children well. We will inevitably make mistakes, by showing too little or too much mercy, because understanding God’s mercy and knowing my children take discernment! Thankfully, the Bible clearly teaches that God gives grace to the humble, and that learning discernment takes practice (Hebrews 5:14). Our efforts to imitate God’s mercy are pleasing to God, even when we don’t get it right the first time!

Tomorrow I’ll tell you some of the practical examples I’ve found as I try to apply these Scriptures and principles throughout the week.

June 18, 2014 by Michelle 4 Comments

Emotions and Childish Crises

I’ve been watching my responses to my children’s emotions for the last few weeks, particularly the day-to-day crises that as a parent I would consider relatively “small” or “insignificant in light of eternity” [say this last one with a bit of spiritual concern and a knit brow]. Often, I see their crying as a waste of time, self-centered, and a hindrance to getting work done. I have been trying to discover the balance between compassion, and a need to keep the household from crashing to a standstill at every crisis.

Here are examples of some of the crises I have in mind: Yesterday two children were in tears because I told them we would go swimming after their rooms were clean (they are afraid they won’t pass the swim test). One child was in tears because the other can jump rope more times than she can. Another child was in tears because the dishwasher is always the most full on her days to empty the dishwasher. Tears because we weren’t able to go to the store to buy David’s birthday present that week. Tears fairly predictably when there is hard homework or a really messy room to be cleaned. Often tears when I tell kids the day’s schedule and they had something else in mind.

When I see these problems through my eyes only, all I see are the selfishness, pride, and out of control emotions. I think I’m seeing with the spiritual eyes of eternity, confronting sin in my children’s lives. Instead, my words come out harsh and merciless. When I consider how Jesus shows mercy and kindness in response to people with emotions, I try to see from my children’s perspective, and I see that their problems are often very similar to mine: disappointments, discouragement over failure to measure up, fears that have become realized. I thus gain some needed perspective (and humble patience) as I try to keep the day moving along while being merciful and kind. Here are some things I’ve observed.

Jesus shows kindness by restricting his instruction during emotional times: “I have many things to say to you right now, but you can’t bear them emotionally.” As mothers, we can be like Jesus when we are sensitive to our child’s emotional state and respond with kindness, saving a great deal of instruction for later and keeping our words simple. I have a long way to go before I learn the right balance of kindness and brevity. Jesus shows me that I don’t need to cram everything in, and that I especially need to be sensitive to my listeners’ emotional state when I speak.

I have yet many things to say unto you, but ye cannot bear them now. John 16:12

Jesus shows kindness by asking questions about the problem. Notice how often Jesus asked questions as he served and taught. Jesus wasn’t asking because he needed information or because he needed to talk through the problems to find a solution, but because his listener needed the questions. It’s a way we humans show we are listening. How often do I interrupt a child because I already know what her problem is and how to fix it? A simple restatement of their words, or a question for more information indicates that I am truly listening: You are worried because your eye starts hurting when you are looking at small things, is that right? Are your eyes itchy or just tired? Does it happen when you are doing legos, or just when you are looking at math? It’s easy to assume that the tears are from laziness or selfishness, when a few questions sometimes reveal otherwise.

He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.

Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: Proverbs 1:19

And he asked his father, How long is it ago since this came unto him? And he said, Of a child. And ofttimes it hath cast him into the fire, and into the waters, to destroy him: but if thou canst do any thing, have compassion on us, and help us. Mark 9:21-22

Jesus shows his kindness with full attention, often with a kind touch. My children respond quickly to love demonstrated by undivided attention, too. Regardless of whether the crisis is real, imagined, appropriate, or overblown, it is appropriate to stop what I am doing and give full attention for a period of time. At the least, I might need to take ten seconds to make eye contact, give a hug, and say, I’m sorry you’re feeling so sad. A few seconds of a quiet hug go a long way, especially when I’m in the last fifteen minutes of cooking dinner!

And Jesus, moved with compassion, put forth his hand, and touched him, and saith unto him, I will; be thou clean. Mark 1:41

Jesus set an example by becoming a servant, not grasping his own rights but putting the needs of others first. I’ve been challenged to make sure that I’m not shushing crying children simply because it’s inconvenient or unpleasant for me. Crying children take up time, and they seem to have crises at the most inconvenient times: at church, on the way to school, during a doctor’s appointment, while I am making dinner. If I want to show kindness to my emotional children, I must remember God’s command in Philippians 2:2-7.

Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus:

Tomorrow I’ll talk about my surprising discovery that when I work on being kind and compassionate, I still end up saying, “Time to stop crying and move on with our day.” That’s the thing I thought I was trying to avoid!

Edited: Followup post here.