As4Me

November 4, 2022 by Michelle Leave a Comment

Examples of How Church Helps

(Also titled: More Than I Can Handle, Part 6)

This is part of a larger series examining a better way to frame the question of whether God gives us more than we can handle. Today we’re looking at ways that the local church helps people in the broader discussion of trials, suffering, hope, and help. If you are new to this discussion, you may find this context helpful, starting with the first post in the series.

Help by Community Prayer

Prayer is not always a private time of conversation with God; the Bible indicates that sometimes prayer is better when other believers join us. (Matthew 18:19-20). How and why, to what extent? I don’t know. It is enough for me to pray with others simply because Jesus says it’s important. Surprisingly, praying with others is not always an easy spiritual practice. It’s easy enough to pray for other people’s faults or vulnerabilities, but much harder to share those things ourselves. Sharing prayer requests is risky for everyone, but it’s a risk that Jesus expects on some level for all of his children, regardless of their personality. Jesus intends our prayers to be met by kindness and trust. May it be so.

Jesus helps us understand the need for both telling the situation and asking for help. When Christians gather, they share their joys and sorrows with each other. We should not dismiss the telling as unimportant, but we do sometimes need to remember we are asking others to join us with a request, not just talking about a problem with our friends. When a blind man comes to Jesus with a vague request “Have mercy on me!” Jesus responds, “What do you want Me to do for you?” (Mark 10:46-52)

Isn’t it obvious what he wants? Doesn’t Jesus already know? Clearly, the question was for the benefit of the one who needed help. Likewise, when we pause to ask ourselves (and God, and each other) what exactly we are asking for, we clarify motives and obstacles that may be relevant for our decision making.

In a way, clarifying what we want can help us take responsibility for our situation, even as we’re trusting in God’s sovereignty for what we cannot do ourselves. Over the years of helping children with math homework, we have experienced both passive and active ways of asking for help. “I don’t get it” is passive. “I keep getting the same wrong answer. Can you help me find where I’m going wrong?” is far better. We tell our children, “when you come for help, always bring evidence that you’ve tried to solve the problem. Ask a specific question; don’t just tell the teacher you are stuck/frustrated/don’t understand.” Likewise, when we ask someone to pray for a specific request, we often do better at thinking through the problem and what we actually need.

James also tells Christians to pray together, for sickness (not especially hard) but also for sin (much harder). When I’ve asked for prayer, especially for a sinful struggle, I am choosing to take my request seriously, not flippantly. Others who join in my prayer may gain courage to ask for prayer for their own needs, and we all strengthened as a group when God sustains and answers our prayers. We grow in trust. Just like with Jesus’ instruction, we may not understand the limits and details and benefits of this kind of prayer, but we do well to attempt it.

Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. ¹⁵And the prayer of faith will save the sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. ¹⁶Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.
James 5:14-16.

Help through Diversity

But now indeed there are many members, yet one body. And the eye cannot say to the hand, “I have no need of you”; nor again the head to the feet, “I have no need of you.” … But God composed the body, having given greater honor to that part which lacks it, that there should be no schism in the body, but that the members should have the same care for one another. And if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; or if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it.
1 Corinthians 12:20-21, 24b-25

One of the most valuable things about the church is how it understands and implements diversity. Instead of avoiding diversity, we rejoice in it! Diversity is not division. We don’t have to have all the strengths, nor does God expect us to. We are not always strong at the same time, so we don’t have to pretend to be or feel guilty because we are not. One time long ago when our family gathered, I was washing dishes while my sisters-in-law chased babies. When they expressed regret that they weren’t helping, I realized that I was truly joyful that my hands were free to help. When I I remembered the same feeling of regret when I had to leave church early, or when I wasn’t able to do all the important things, I realized that I had also been fearful that people resented me for not helping. They weren’t!

We can take joy in the diversity of gifting as well. When my more outgoing daughter needed some encouragement, she benefitted from a friend far more socially gifted than I am. I’ve had to humble myself to ask for help cleaning my garage, finding a new wardrobe– two things that were a significant burden to me at the time. Thankfully, God provided help when I was weak, but I had to go and ask a human for that help.

Two are better than one,
Because they have a good reward for their labor.
For if they fall, one will lift up his companion.
But woe to him who is alone when he falls,
For he has no one to help him up.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Help by Giving, and Giving by Receiving

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, ⁴who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Surprisingly, some of our greatest growing in difficult seasons happens when we draw from our meager resources to serve others. Paul shows us that this kind of giving actually continues the healing that began earlier, redeeming the suffering we experience by using the experience for good. Giving is good for us in other ways, too. It IS more blessed to give than to receive.

Some personality types naturally give well, but they may unintentionally keep people at arm’s length by refusing to receive. They’ve taught themselves to put on a happy face and say “Everything’s fine” when they aren’t fine. God’s word clearly intends us to be honest with our need for help and prayer. When someone asks “What can I bring? How can I help?” we should answer honestly! We don’t want to be a bother, but if we are not careful, we will take away the blessing others would receive in giving to us.

If I am always giving, or if I am always receiving, I may want to reflect and ask for wisdom about whether I am out of balance. If I am noticing gaps in my church, it’s possible that God wants me to meet these needs. “Why isn’t anyone doing XYZ?” might be a clue for us. On the other hand, God calls us to rest in him when we see more gaps than we are able to fill. He loves his church, too, and he will provide in his way and time.

Multigenerational Help

When we are seeking help, we should look to the broader community, including those in other stages of life than we are. Sometimes we are tempted to look for a professional counselor for help that may be better coming from a godly older woman! God intended churches to provide practical help for the very things that woman earnestly desire to get right. For all of our desires not to leave out women who work outside the home, are unmarried or do not have children, we neglect Paul’s list in Titus to our peril:

The older women likewise, that they be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things— ⁴that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, ⁵to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed.
Titus 2:3-5

These are the areas of teaching that should be happening in our churches– all from different women in different stages of life. This plan is a churchwide enterprise– not a single grandmother expert who tells all the younger women what to do. If we want to pursue the kind of community that Paul describes, we will be cultivating relationships across generations. If we talk only to people in our stage of life, we are neglecting a source of help and service that is vital to church life.

Do not dismiss imperfect mentors. Sometimes we lament the lack of mentors without considering that the mentors may not know who WANTS help. If you desire help from an older woman, you will need to ask! It takes practice learning how to ask questions that lead us to greater confidence in God, and not mentors. We do not seek help like the world. Mentors are not God; they have weaknesses and strengths. Many young women dismiss the help that a mentor can give because they see weaknesses.

What can we do to give this kind of help? Mentors can intentionally make flexible spaces in their schedule to meet needs. In the secular world, adults can pack their schedules so tightly with work, sports, school, that they have no time to live in community. When we can make space, we should. We can learn from those who help well, but we should not assume they are the only ones God is calling to serve in this way.

Help in Brainstorming Solutions

Where there is no counsel, the people fall;
But in the multitude of counselors there is safety.
Proverbs 11:14 (also see Proverbs 15:22 and 24:6)

In a multitude of counselors, you’ll surely get a multitude of principles to consider. Because you gain the perspective of God’s word understood through different experiences and current stage of life, you gain greater clarity for the decisions you must make.

A multitude of counselors can sometimes be paralyzing when everyone is telling you to do something different. Consider five women with different backgrounds– some growing up in a Christian home and coming to faith as a child, and others who heard the gospel for the first time as an adult; single women and women with children, some women with children our own children’s ages, and women who have grown children. Now imagine all of them with a love for and knowledge of God’s Word. You have a problem, and you don’t ask “What should I do?” (That’s going to get you a bunch of opinions and not always closer to wisdom.) Instead you ask “What Bible principles do you see in this issue I’m facing? Wisdom is sorting through biblical perspectives and making a choice, trusting that God will lead you.

Help by Transparency.

We should be actively pursuing the light, pursuing accountability and transparency. In all of the ways churches help, some level of transparency is necessary.

Jesus talks about the tendency to passively (or actively) avoid the light.

And this is the condemnation, that the light has come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. For everyone practicing evil hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed. But he who does the truth comes to the light, that his deeds may be clearly seen, that they have been done in God.”
John 3:19-21

Knowing one another is risky, even when hearts are loving and kind with each other. It takes deliberate humbling of ourselves and our natural desire to be well thought of. Wherever you find yourself, it may help to consider the ideal– mutual transparency and love. Transparency does not preclude discretion and a measure of restraint, but if we reject all transparency, we cut ourselves off from a God-given resource. Transparency is our responsibility. Sometimes we place all the responsibility of accountability on others and passively avoid the light. “My accountability partner never followed up.”

When Help Is Absent

Sometimes churches don’t or can’t help. God may use the lack of available help to lead us to reexamine our options and direct our next steps. Am I willing to reconsider my career plans? my desire to homeschool my children? my busy schedule at church? Is my dream house or promotion a bad choice for my family? Should we relocate closer to family? When we were told we had 30 days to move out of a house we were renting, we reconsidered a house we had rejected as unsuitable. In retrospect, that move was exactly what our family needed at the time in particular because it brought us into closer community with a family that was a tremendous help to us in a difficult season.

November 2, 2022 by Michelle Leave a Comment

How Church Helps

(Also titled: More Than I Can Handle, Part 5)

This is part of a larger series examining a better way to frame the question of whether God gives us more than we can handle. Today we’re looking at the role that the local church plays in the broader discussion of trials, suffering, hope, and help. If you are new to this discussion, you may find this context helpful, starting with the first post in the series.

The covid epidemic revealed a number of misconceptions Christians and non-Christians alike have about church and churches. When leaders reminded congregations that “the church” wasn’t a building, some people concluded that meeting together was unimportant, merely the “social” part of spiritual activity. Is gathering itself (apart from the Bible instruction) the entertainment part of Christianity, or is it instead an essential part of life for a Christian?

To find the answer, we look to Scripture. Even a casual investigation shows a community energy and activity among Christians that is impossible to imitate from a distance. Look closer, and we find detailed instructions for loving one another and resolving conflicts, instructions that are unnecessary if church were simply a group of people listening to a lecture. We can connect virtually (truly a gift in our world today), but connecting in person is far, far better. We must not passively abandon the precious gift of Christian family.

If you have grown up around church and church-y people (or if you have a lot of your biological family in your church), you might forget how distinct this kind of community can be. If our reference point for community is secular group dynamics, or dysfunctional Christian group dynamics, we will miss this specific camaraderie that God designed to be a tangible help in need.

Christian culture challenges our secularized assumptions of how and why we help people, no matter what country or passport culture we are from. Giving when it is difficult, undeserved, or not reciprocated, is often seen as foolish and wasteful, and we naturally tend to expect a return on the investment of giving. God’s word offers a substantial contrast and reference point for us, marked by a peculiar generosity that stems from mercy and kindness.

In Galatians 6, the apostle Paul explains this Christian culture to us.

Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. ³For if anyone thinks himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself. ⁴But let each one examine his own work, and then he will have rejoicing in himself alone, and not in another. ⁵For each one shall bear his own load.
⁶Let him who is taught the word share in all good things with him who teaches.
⁷Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. ⁸For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life. ⁹And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. ¹⁰Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all, especially to those who are of the household of faith.
Galatians 6:2-10

I love how Paul presents the complexity of helping throughout this passage. Christ is our example and reference point. We see the assembly called to bear one another’s burdens(v.2), and yet told that the individual responsibility of a burden is not collective (v.5). Burdens require self reflection, and the dignity of self reliance (v.4). Paul outlines priorities for our helping (v.6 and v.10). He acknowledges pride that gets in the way of burden bearing (v.3), and that, while helping is sometimes tiresome and difficult, our motivation for helping is not (v.9).

Notice that Paul avoids micromanaging by leaving out details of how we bear burdens. Implicit in his instruction is a great deal of wisdom and freedom in decision making: Not every helper has the same resources, and at times may be unable to provide relief to the degree needed or wanted. Further, different cultures will value and provide different kinds of help. During the pandemic, this diversity was often misunderstood. For example, Christian communities had different needs or desire for caution than others, even though they all may have had a deep desire to help families. Why is it surprising that communities see different neighbors in need of help? Sadly, the intensity of criticism in the last few years among Christians revealed a lack of understanding about the diversity of the body of Christ.

As we try to follow Paul’s expectation for Christian community, we sometimes miss the mark, both in identifying and helping to meet needs, but also in requesting or receiving help. While no church is perfect, and meeting needs will often require mercifully overlooking awkwardness both giving and receiving, we should see a desire from all to help others, and a measure of transparency in asking for help. We will also see growth in how we give and receive help.

Tomorrow we will look at some specific ways that the church provides help for the overwhelmed.

September 24, 2022 by Michelle Leave a Comment

More Than I Can Handle, Part 4

God Provides Help Outside of Myself

Okay. Hear me out. I’ve prayed for help, and believe me, my problem was bigger than what I could manage. God gave me wisdom to make some changes that helped, and strength to endure in the meantime, but frankly, it was not enough. I wasn’t ungrateful at all, far from it, but I really needed my problem to go away. I struggled with suffering, knowing that I was at the end of my ability to manage. I wouldn’t say “I’m at the end of my rope” lightly, but I have said those words and meant them.

Except.

Did God “give me more than I could handle” so that I would ask another human for help or encouragement? Perhaps! Not everyone struggles to ask for help in the same way. For example, some people have no problem asking God for help, but avoid asking another person for help and suffer needlessly as a result. Other people are willing to ask for help, but only a very select few people. When those people are not available, then life becomes “more than they can bear.” Some people have tried asking for help, but didn’t receive it. Why keep asking? Sometimes people want to ask for help, but doing so involves telling not-so-nice things about someone else. That’s scary. And for some people, their struggle is that they ask for help too quickly, as a first resort. In life, asking too quickly or often can drain the goodwill of your friends and family. When people decline to help (they have maxed out their own schedules), life can feel increasingly overwhelming.

We’ve already looked at the role that supernatural help is found in our lives, but God regularly provides help through human means as well. And that, in itself bears pondering. I can beg God to intervene in my situation, and unwisely overlook or ignore the means of help that he has made available. We see the humor behind the generic common tendency to dismiss human help. (Did you know the “two boats and a helicopter” joke has its own Wikipedia article?) On a personal level, while I am waiting on the Lord, and looking for his provision, I cannot isolate myself from the very people that God has ordained to provide.

Family Help

We are our brother’s keeper.

In 1 Timothy 5:3-8, Paul gives instructions to churches about the care of needy elderly, and clarifies the normal responsibility for Christian families.

Honor widows who are really widows. But if any widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show piety at home and to repay their parents; for this is good and acceptable before God. Now she who is really a widow, and left alone, trusts in God and continues in supplications and prayers night and day. But she who lives in pleasure is dead while she lives. And these things command, that they may be blameless. But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

Reader, when we discuss what comes first in priority, Paul is clear. Families have the primary caregiving responsibility, in this context adult children and grandchildren to their parents and grandparents. In those cases where there is no family to care for a person, the church provides care. But God designed the physical family to provide first.

Sadly, many ignore family relationships when there is no “need,” but then in later difficult seasons discover that those neglected relationships are not strong enough to bear the weight of a crisis. Not everyone can depend on family to the same extent, but investing in family relationships throughout one’s life often provides a God-given resource in times of need. As my children begin to grow to young adulthood, we have been encouraging them to keep in contact with each other, even if they are geographically apart. Our prayer is that they would continue in the close relationship that they have already cultivated. (Sibling friendship is a good goal for all families, but one of the blessings of homeschooling for us was having the space and time for our children to learn how to become close friends.) As Lee and I prepare to transition out of the military, the location of our family (our parents and siblings) has been a part of our discussions and priorities. We can’t be near everyone, but when we have the option, being near family is worth pursuing.

For various honorable reasons, families are often separated geographically from extended family. It takes extra effort to stay connected even when we are physically apart, but that effort is well worth the time. I’m interested in learning more how and when to love our families even when we don’t live in the same town. One friend of mine here in Hawaii invites her nieces and nephews to come for a weeklong vacation. She has the opportunity to get to know them in a new way that wasn’t possible during large family gatherings. Another friend relocated when she saw the need to be connected with her older nieces and nephews. Although she has no children of her own, she recognizes that God has given her a ministry of love and mentorship to her siblings’ children. The value of a shared heritage is not something to be cast aside.

Not every family relationship is safe for us or our children. Or we may desire connection, but must be content with what is offered even though we may desire to be closer. Friendships, even family friendships, cannot be forced. Take heart! Some relationships flourish unexpectedly in later years. In all these cases, we need patient wisdom and mercy: wisdom to know how and when to connect, and mercy to perceive and take the opportunities that God does give. For all our family members, it takes mercy to accept the brokenness of humanity with the relationships that are, and not as we would want them to be.

In addition to our biological family, God provides a spiritual family. In fact, the Bible language deliberately evokes family imagery in its discussions of church life, and churches are intended to fill gaps as a needed source of strength and relief. And, like our human families, we can cultivate our relationships or neglect them. We’ve been in the military for twenty years, all of them away from our family. I’m grateful for the ministry of each of our local churches in these years.

Tomorrow we’ll take a closer look at some ways that God uses the local church (you and me!) to meet needs.

July 31, 2022 by Michelle Leave a Comment

More Than I Can Handle, Part 3

Part 1

Part 2

God directs our paths while we are living life, over a period of days, weeks, and sometimes years of praying and seeking for wisdom. While I am searching for the next thing to do, I am still waiting on God in the midst of my struggle, and that experience itself brings an inexplicable strength. Trouble doesn’t pause while we search for wisdom, but God provides a way to find refuge in the middle of the storm, and strength in his presence. The poet gives words to this active inaction: “Wait, my soul, on the Lord.”

God Provides Strength While We Wait

As long as I have breath in my lungs, I will also have the spirit of power, and of love, and of a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7). I will always have God’s presence (Joshua 1:9). In this sense, it’s incorrect to say that God gives us “more than we can bear,” when he has promised that he will never leave us or forsake us. He gives supernatural and unmistakable strength when we call on him.

Truly, without God, all of life is more than we can bear. But meditating on my circumstances or the world around me does not bring peace. I should think biblically about what I face, but it’s not where my thoughts should linger. Jesus says it this way: “Abide in me,” and “Without me, you can do nothing” (John 15:4, 5). These words aren’t merely telling me “God gives you more than you handle.” That framing leaves out a crucial acknowledgement of Jesus’ life-giving presence for every believer. Without his presence, all of life is ultimately meaningless and hopeless. Why don’t I lose hope? Which reassurance do I need? I need to remember my Savior who raised himself from the dead. He is mighty, and he loves me. I don’t need to be told life is unbearable! When I am troubled, give me a hug and remind me that just as “the Lord was with Joseph,” he is with me (Genesis 39:2, 21, 23).

Luke tells us that when Jesus was in the Garden of Gethsemane, an angel came and strengthened him (Luke 22:43). I don’t always know what mechanism God uses to provide strength, but I am encouraged to see this one. What exactly were the angels doing? Does this mean that God asked Jesus to do something beyond his ability to bear? And in response to Jesus’ Gethsemane prayer, did God send angels to give him physical or mental strength so that he was now able to bear it? Can I pray for those same strengthening angels? And, as I remember my friends who are suffering, should I not take comfort that God does provide supernatural strength in the midst of very large struggles?

Some people use Paul’s words when they want to criticize people who say “God has not given me more than I can bear.” Here’s what he says in 2 Corinthians 1:8: “We were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself.” Paul thought that he was going to die. That’s different from Paul arguing “God gave us something we couldn’t handle.” I’ve not been at the point of death, but I have felt like I was at the end of my strength; I’ve prayed for relief, and God has always given it. From my way of thinking, if I’m alive, then God has given me the ability to bear what life brings. But I especially find great comfort when reading Paul’s words that expand on his difficulties just a few chapters later, and so should you.

We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair;persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed—always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body (2 Corinthians 4:8-10).

The whole book of 2 Corinthians expands the nature of suffering, of an eternal perspective, of God’s sufficiency when we are insufficient. It is no sin to feel at our breaking point. Inside every person who says “God gives me more than I can handle” and behind every person who says “God won’t give me more than I can handle” is a heart that may be in deep grief. Thankfully, when we have exhausted the store of our own resources, his resources are without limit or boundary.

Words of Life

Words can inspire a secular reader, but for a Christian, God’s words are living and powerful in a different way. That thought causes me to slow down and ponder the strength God gives. I want to know what it means that God is our refuge and strength (Psalm 42). How does that work? What does it mean that “the joy of the Lord is my strength” (Nehemiah 8:10)? Does that joy actually produce strength or is the joy itself strength? “Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace” (Isaiah 26:3) and “David strengthened his heart in the Lord” (1 Samuel 30:6). Why is Psalm 23 and its reminder of God’s presence and care such an enduring poem? These verses are sticky, truly. We write them in bookmarks and put them on our walls; we sing songs about them. But beyond the comfort they bring as they remind us of who God is, for the Christian these living words also produce faith that is both shield and sword.

I should not be surprised; God’s word is living and powerful– these are not just encouraging words to muster up belief. Faith is a spiritual fruit of the spirit– a gift of God. Every time we pray and ask for strength, it’s an acknowledgement that we are not enough, and that God is sufficient. Perhaps this “strength” the Bible speaks of is integrally related to faith. It helps me to understand that strength is more that just looking up an index to see how much trouble I can handle before I give up on life. Let us look to the author and finisher of our faith, and take refuge in his abundant care.

Have you not known?
Have you not heard?
The everlasting God, the Lord,
The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Neither faints nor is weary.
His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might He increases strength.
Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
But those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40:28-31