[I found this draft that I wrote several years ago and never completed. I think it is worthwhile finishing and posting. The text I am adding will be in italics.]

Because of my background in special education, I am occasionally asked specific questions about children with disabilities. One of the challenges facing Christian parents with a special needs child is addressing weaknesses directly related to a child’s disability.

I say all of this because I’ve noticed for some time that Bethel has a great deal of difficulty looking at me, particularly for extended periods of time (she’ll look at me briefly, but will not hold a steady gaze) or when I ask her to, in order to ensure she understood something I have said. I didn’t remember David having difficulty with this concept, but I also realize that I wasn’t as distracted with David as a toddler as I was with Bethel as a toddler (with a brother sixteen months older, and a sister twenty two months younger). I’ve been assuming the difficulty was a result of my lack of consistency, and not an inherent difficulty in maintaining social eye contact.

Watching the ease with which my youngest daughter responds when I talk to her (I rarely have to ask her to look at me when I talk, and when I do ask her to look at me, her response is immediate) has given me insight into my oldest daughter. The difference is not my imagination.  [This observation makes me laugh five years later. My youngest is still extremely sensitive to connectivity. She wants to be connected with people, loves social interaction, and still has no problem with eye contact.]

This line of thinking leads me to conclude that it is probably in actuality difficult for Bethel to look at me when I ask her to. This conclusion leads me to an important question: How much do I challenge the difficulty?
If she responds appropriately, should I require her to look at me? What should my response to my conclusion be?

Tentatively, I believe my first response should take place within myself. I need to have patience with her, realizing that not looking up when asked may not be a rebellious action. I also believe in the importance of continuing to help her understand the importance of making eye contact. It’s worth working on, as long as I recognize that she may not get it as quickly as I would like. Since she still doesn’t always respond right away (either a verbal response, or simply obeying), it might be a good idea to consider some brainstorming into how I’m giving commands (I’ve already noticed some things) or how I’m requiring her to respond. As long as she obeys, it really doesn’t matter that she look at me or give a verbal response. Those requirements are simply tools for her to help her obey.

I still say, “Look at me,” although I have long since backed off of requiring eye contact. She doesn’t seem to have the same aversion to eye contact, although I’ve discovered that Bethel responds well to low-intensity communication. (Her difficulty as a three year old was intensity, not eye contact, as I had supposed.) I have more success holding her close to me and talking without eye contact even now. She likes to write, and I discovered that she will write questions for me in her journal, and wants me to answer them in writing. She likes to have conversations while we work together in the kitchen.

I still think forcing change gently is a good approach. But in this situation, there was much more learning to understand my child than simply teaching her to change.

The kids are reading through Genesis right now (Their Bible reading plan also includes a portion from Proverbs each day).

After they finish, I’ve been asking them what they read about. I usually let them pick what they bring up, and ask questions about that. Then I ask, “Is there anything that will help you today in your reading?” Sometimes they see something. Sometimes they don’t. I will add that their hermeneutic often terrible, and I have been deliberately pretty easy on them. I don’t want to be too corrective at this early stage in the game.

A few weeks ago, they were reading about Hagar. Bethel asked if Hagar was saved. That was a good question, and we spent some time talking about Hagar and Ishmael. That brought up the discussion that has since then been rattling in my head: Abraham and Sarah believed God regarding an heir, but they didn’t see how God would accomplish his promise. I tend to think that God’s timing was feeding their sense of urgency. After all, with each passing year, Sarah was less (!) likely to bear a son. God’s timing was impeccable, but Abraham and Sarah didn’t wait for him.

And I think of myself. I, too, have too short of a time perspective. I want my children to learn good habits in a month. I am impatient when they struggle yet again with teasing too much or showing kindness too little. I want them to be unselfish, and I am dismayed when they make choices that reveal a profound selfishness. I start to doubt myself when I don’t see instant results. I am quickly discouraged when I see my own limitations mirrored in my children with startling accuracy.

And when I share the gospel with my neighbors, I am dismayed that I am leaving work undone. No decisions have been made. New relationships developing with a neighbor three months before I’m gone: did God make a mistake? I forget that God’s timing is impeccable. I can trust that he is working, even when I cannot see it or when his working is happening slowly from my perspective. I feel the urgency. I’m leaving soon and it will be too late! But I must also be obedient and do the things I know I ought to do in the meantime (phone calls, anyone?) This is where I should sense the urgency.

I must urgently obey today when I know to do, and trust contentedly God’s timing in the big things that I cannot control.

Surely I have calmed and quieted my soul,
Like a weaned child with his mother;
Like a weaned child is my soul within me. Psalm 131:2

At Christmas time, I saw a Bible reading plan that my pastor brother-in-law had written for his church. He designed it to help new readers of God’s Word from getting bogged down, and yet guide them as they develop good habits of reading the Bible. My sister-in-law Rebecca explained that they were excited to be reading as a church body, so that seasoned believers who have no trouble following a Bible reading plan would be reading along with those new to reading the Bible. They are praying for this corporate reading to lead to more corporate conversations revolving around God’s Word– true fellowship.

Aha! I thought. This would be fantastic for children– So I begged a booklet, and I decided that, for the first time ever, I would be requiring daily Bible reading.

I’ve blogged about this before. I am uneasy with requiring spiritual responses from children. I have been trying to tease out what exactly I’m trying to avoid and accomplish as I reconsider my approach.

First, in the past, my children had not made a profession of faith. I was particularly concerned that requiring spiritual activity would tend toward confusing them for their need for Christ. I did not want them thinking that developing Bible reading (or other spiritual disciplines) was essentially making them right with God.

I also wanted to see their responses to the gospel, apart from my direction. By requiring spiritual disciplines, I can cloud my own perspective of where they are spiritually. Especially when I’m trying to understand their response to the gospel, I wanted to step back and watch.

However, as I watch them, I see that that have a desire to read their Bibles. I see that they know they should read their Bibles, and I see that their conscience troubles them (they feel guilty) when they don’t. But they don’t yet have the discipline or knowledge to regularly read on their own. Their appetite is developing, but it is not voracious.

As I consider other habits that I require, I am understanding that, at this stage of my children’s lives, requiring a regular time of Bible reading will be helpful for them. I’ve been doing this about a month, and had about two and a half weeks of reading. (I’m still working on keeping it consistent even when our schedule shifts and changes.) I’ve noticed that our children seem to be responding right now to individual discussion of the content (instead of waiting until they are all finished, and then talking about it at the table all together), that they WANT to discuss what they are reading, and that they are really enjoying having something to check off each day. They did much better when I dedicated a drawer just for pens and their booklets. (Before, they would spend 10 minutes looking for their sheets which for some reason never stayed in their Bibles.)

I do have some weak spots: I need to be faithful in reading to Laurel, who is not a strong enough reader to read the selections by herself. I’d say I’ve read about half of the days to her. I need to be more faithful to help them be more faithful. I am certain that requiring Bible reading will not be something I do perpetually, but I do want to help them develop the skills they need to keep reading on their own.

Tomorrow I’ll talk about one of our corporate conversations that has stuck with me for several weeks.

I found another person who wrote a Bible reading plan for children here. He has a similar idea (read his explanation of the plan), but adds a guided response prompt with each reading. I like it very much!

That’s not a trick post title, but I’m not talking about what we tell the three year old (or nine year old) after we have given them instruction.

I’m talking about us.

Today while our children were eating breakfast, I jumped off the couch (before I could lazily change my mind) and brought my Bible to the table. While they ate, I read and shared what was on my heart.

I read them what I read this morning:

Behold, the days come, saith the Lord God, that I will send a famine in the land, not a famine of bread, nor a thirst for water, but of hearing the words of the Lord: ¹² And they shall wander from sea to sea, and from the north even to the east, they shall run to and fro to seek the word of the Lord, and shall not find it.¹³ In that day shall the fair virgins and young men faint for thirst. Amos 8:11-13

I asked the kids what it meant to have a famine of God’s Word. They understood the concept pretty well. (David pointed out the 400 years of silence between the last of the prophets and Jesus’ coming to earth.) I told them that even today we have a famine of hearing God’s Word, and this is one reason that I’m keen for them to learn and study God’s Word while they are young.

That reminded me of Matthew 9:36-39:

But when he saw the multitudes, he was moved with compassion on them, because they fainted, and were scattered abroad, as sheep having no shepherd.³⁷ Then saith he unto his disciples, The harvest truly is plenteous, but the labourers are few; ³⁸ Pray ye therefore the Lord of the harvest, that he will send forth labourers into his harvest.

We’re moving to Okinawa, Japan, this summer. Moving frequently motivates me to pray more. Today I’m burdened with the need for laborers in our new places. I’m burdened that our children see the need to obey right away when they see something in Scripture that they know how to obey. I don’t want them to simply stuff their heads with Scripture (not really in danger of this yet) without learning to be doers of the Word.

I told them my burden that we obey when we find something we can obey. I told them of my burden to find a good church in our new home. So we all took turns praying for Okinawa, that God would send and prepare laborers there.

I’m thinking that there are lots of Scriptures that we can obey right away. How many times do I intend to obey, but just forget? I’m asking God to show me Scripture that I can share and obey with my children. What Scriptures should we tackle next?

It’s rather silly that any mother would attempt to teach her children humility without recognizing the obstacles of her own struggle (or lack thereof) with humility and pride. So as I consider helping my children develop a sense of humility, out of necessity, I’m considering the same things in my own life. I suspect that’s exactly what God intends us to do as we teach our children.

Awhile back we noticed one child who habitually says “I know” when given instruction or information. It’s abrasive, not only for family members, but also for others who come in contact with our family. It sounds prideful. After being annoyed and embarrassed by his response a number of times, I realized that his words were habitual, and he probably wasn’t even aware of what he was saying.

“When you say ‘I know,’ did you know that?”
After a second, he acknowledged with a smile that he hadn’t.
“I’ve noticed that you often say, ‘I know’ after you are given instruction or information.
If you didn’t know if before you were told, a better answer is, ‘Oh, I didn’t know that.’”

We talked for a few more seconds about humility and being teachable. How our words reflect and shape what is in our hearts. I try really hard not to make a strong connection between what people think of us and our words (i.e., what people think of you when you say this), simply because it’s not the most important reason to humble ourselves.

He’s working on it. I’ve heard him correct himself, and if he forgets, we just ask, “Did you really already know that?”

[And yes, sometime later we'll work on the prideful need to inform the other person that we DID know that bit of information already. And now I'm asking myself, is this paragraph exactly what I'm talking about? How do I say "I know" in more adult-subtle ways?]

But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble. James 4:6