The feeling of incompetence peaks when bringing that first baby home from the hospital, and peaks again (how is it even possible?) when that baby is learning to live life on his own. In both seasons I wished upon a star (or prayed) that I would always know the right thing to say and do. No mistakes for me, please.
Not knowing rankles, kid!
But then I remember that God’s strength is made perfect in weakness.
And I remember the horrible discovery that I made when I asked my 10-year-old daughter to select a book from our more than adequate library. Reader, she could not. I discovered that, while every child needs a librarian to hand over a book that is exactly what she wants, that child does not need a librarian every time she needs a book. I learned the hard way that always knowing just the right book for my daughter, and feeling the deep satisfaction when my guesses are affirmed, was not in her best interest. Why bother thinking if someone else does it for me?
That event causes me to view my inadequacies differently now. I can help them find a good book, but I don’t know how to help them find a job. My children don’t always know what to do, and I sometimes feel incompetent to help them. Sometimes I do know, but in rare insight realize it’s not for me to tell them. Sometimes I haven’t a clue what they should do next or how. And yet, God’s strength is made perfect in my weakness. God knows everything, every answer, but he tells us to search for wisdom. He leads us in discovery, more often than not. I can imitate that.
Sometimes the right answer (I hate it) is “go look it up.”
Sometimes we discover why together. (Note to self: “Have you considered” is better than “You need to”)
And sometimes the answer is “I have no idea, but seek the Lord, and he will give you everything you need.”
Just know, kid, that you do not need all the answers.
Grouchy Mother’s Day
One of my favorite mother’s day stories is found in the children’s book Blue Hill Meadows by Cynthia Rylant. In this story, a little boy agonizes about finding the perfect mother’s day present for his mom. I love this story because I think Rylant captures the feelings of love and longing we can experience at the same time. It’s the best story in the whole book.
Many women approach mother’s day with some uneasiness, too. Along with all the pictures of mothers on social media, stories of mothers that make us smile, and expressions of thankfulness, there are posts of sadness, warnings about insensitivity, and expressions of cynicism.
Why uneasy? There are actually a bunch of reasons that can be true.
- Mother’s day is mixed with sadness when one’s mother has passed away. A day to honor mothers reminds us of our loss.
- Some women are uneasy because thoughts of their own mothers bring pain. It’s hard to honor a mother who was cruel, absent, or indifferent to her children.
- Unmarried women or women struggling with infertility may be uneasy because their hearts’ desire is for children.
- Sometimes women who have children are uneasy because they are not confident in their own motherhood. Perhaps a woman has children who are not kind or caring, or who want little to do with their mother, no matter how much she desires a close relationship.
- Even women who have loving mothers, and have their own children can look on mother’s day with discomfort. Not all children are even aware of the sacrifices mothers make for their children. Some sacrifices go completely unnoticed for years.
- Women can have expectations that go unmet: It’s mother’s day, and nobody is even willing to make me a cup of coffee? Or It’s mother’s day, people. Forget the cards. Maybe for one day you all can pick up after yourselves? [I can assure my readers that I have only heard of such attitudes, of course. Ehem.]
- Women with young children can have expectations of their husbands to wrangle the children together long enough to help them honor their mother. If the husband is unaware or busy, he might face a very grouchy wife who wants a little more than a couple cards picked at random from the corner drug store.
- Finally, some women are kind and empathetic, and feel uneasy because they love their friends who are struggling with brokenness, singleness or infertility.
Should we stop celebrating, at least publicly? Should we stop acknowledging mothers in our church services? I think not. The desire to honor one’s mother is a good one, and I’m happy for an opportunity for people to do so. Yes, we should honor our mothers through the whole year, but a day set aside to say thank you is also good. We can and should be both kind and also public in our praise of mothers. Motherhood can be challenging, and in the days when we need the most encouragement, we instead find the greatest criticism. We desire recognition for our hard work, even as we wonder whether we are doing enough or have made the right choices.
But we can still feel grouchy, even while we enjoy the celebration. What then? Perhaps our grouchiness is a mixture of grief and selfishness, of longing for the day when everything broken is made perfect. How do you get rid of the selfishness, and how does God soothe the grief? How do we sift mother’s day for the good and redemptive parts?
- First, expressing thanks is always appropriate. If not your mother, then thank someone who loves sacrificially. In everything give thanks. Thank the Lord for your children, even if they are not yet aware of your sacrifices on their behalf. Thank the Lord for the faithful mothers around you. If you are not a mother, consider the people God has placed in your life to serve and care for. This is one way that God makes every barren woman fruitful.
- Second, distinguish between true guilt and false guilt. I love the story of Moses, who felt so inadequate to accomplish the job God gave him. God kept reminding him that he made Moses, and all Moses needed to do was obey. Even the outcome was in God’s hands. These principles bring tremendous comfort to me. I often feel inadequate as a mother, just like Moses felt inadequate; yet God has called me to be my children’s mother, and no other. I don’t have to perform; I must simply follow God. I will always fall short as a mother, and that’s not necessarily sin. On the other hand, if there are areas that I’ve been neglecting as a mother, then I should repent and do otherwise!
- Third, if you are introspective, remind yourself that many people aren’t conflicted about mother’s day. Be kind to everyone, and be merciful to people whose grouchiness might hide hurt and grief. At the same time, don’t squash the sparkly optimists around you with cynicism.
- Fourth, and finally, whenever life is unsatisfying, we must turn to reality, to the God who satisfies every longing.
“Can a woman forget her nursing child,
And not have compassion on the son of her womb?
Surely they may forget,
Yet I will not forget you.
See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands;
Your walls are continually before Me. Isaiah 49:14-16
What are your thoughts on mother’s day? Have you any ideas to balance sensitivity and celebration?
Side Benefits of Staying at Home with Babies
When I chose to quit my job and stay home with my babies, there were some things I missed: Intelligent conversations with coworkers, the mental stimulation of a job I truly enjoyed, a job schedule with obvious time slots. Still, I gained time with my children that I will never regret.
Now I’m looking back twelve years later from the beginning of that journey, I realize I gained some surprising other things as well.
- My blog was born out of a need to communicate, and the discipline of writing each day (something I was able to do before we started homeschooling) started a journey that has been fulfilling and fruitful. The need to communicate was a direct result of my choice to stay at home.
- The time of relative isolation as a new mother gave me a place to think and observe God’s truths in a profitable way. As my babies became toddlers and preschoolers, I was forced to articulate God’s truth simply. Children don’t politely ignore meaningless rhetoric!
- When I slowed down, I started to discover the physical world in a new way. Slow walks with toddlers meant I had an opportunity to look at bugs and stones and leaves closely. They started asking for names of the birds they saw, and I discovered the world of taxonomy. Ten years of examining little things slowly has made me a lover of physical science in a new way. Had I stayed teaching English and education, I wouldn’t have had time to develop this new part of my life.
- I’ve grown in my love for serving my local church. I have the flexibility and time to make visits, and I have enjoyed serving God alongside my children.
Being able to stay at home is a gift, and I know that not every mom is able to do so. Without question, I lost some things when I left the work world to nurture my children full time, but I have gained things of value, too.
The Cat, and Possessing Children
I was motivated to get another pet after brainstorming our children’s love languages, watching how important physical touch was for all of them. I’ve been working on being more deliberate with my own physical expressions of love, but felt like they needed more tactile experiences. I’m sure there are other ways to meet this need, but I’m telling our family story. We got a cat.
It’s been a good experience, but not without some learning lessons. All three children were instantly possessive. Each was devastated if the cat decided to sleep on someone else’s bed. They were all competing for the cat’s attention and cuddly moments. I’ve repeated a number of times, “The cat is not a toy. He has opinions and feelings. You don’t get to decide to sleep with the cat if he wants to sleep somewhere else. You can’t force the cat to trust you. You can’t force him to love you.” It’s been good.
Today, one of our children mentioned that she’s been doing better about not treating the cat like a possession. I mentioned casually that parents have to learn that lesson, too. All three kids became interested in the conversation and started asking questions. (I still talked more than I should have, but I’m learning.)
Is it okay for parents to give baseball lessons to a child because they love baseball and are hoping he loves it, too? Should they let him quit if he says he doesn’t like baseball? We talked about how wise parents try to find out why their children like or dislike something. That will help them know if they should let them do something else. The children enjoyed talking about why they like certain sports.
I shifted the conversation to music instruction. I just started giving piano lessons to all three children, and am requiring 20 minutes of practice every day. Not all of them like the piano or practicing. All three have resisted at some point. I explained today that I don’t expect all three children to become lifelong lovers of playing the piano; however, they haven’t learned enough to know if their dislike is because they don’t know how to play or because they truly don’t like piano or playing an instrument. They might end up surprised how much they like the piano.
I asked them if they could think of other examples of times when parents let their children enjoy and learn things differently than they do. As they talked, I thought about how this discussion was a good reminder to me. My children are not possessions for me to force into the things I think they should love or want them to do. I can do a lot to cause them to be interested in some things, I can expose them to good and healthy pursuits, I can whet their appetite for what I think they will like or what I think is best for them; but ultimately, I must leave their choices with them and with God. I can rest by trusting my Good Shepherd!
- I can’t force them to obey the Holy Spirit.
- I can’t force them to love the hobbies I like.
- I can’t force them to become the grownups I imagine is best (“you’ll be a great ______” etc.)
- Sometimes I guess wrong on what they like or will be good at. That’s okay. I’ve not failed as a mom or coach.
- Sometimes my children choose things I don’t particularly like.
- Sometimes they guess wrong on what they will like or will be good at. That’s hard for parents to accept, but sometimes we have to let our children guess wrong. They are not our possessions.
I’m so thankful for the example of parents who let my brother and me develop our own interests and personalities. I’m learning how to do the same thing, and discovering it’s just another way to learn how to love my children.
Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6 (It’s been pointed out that “the way our children should go” includes more than just God’s commands. Some argue “the way” refers to a child’s natural gifting and personality; parents encourage growth and direction like a young sapling that needs nurture and care. In any case, it’s clear that we have our job to teach and nurture, and we need to leave the results in God’s hands.)
And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4 (The contrast between “provoke” and “nurture” is instructive for me.)
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