Archives for December 2007

Kim reminds us of the danger found in wishing for the day when life gets easier with our young children. Each personality has its challenges, and sometimes they show up earlier than others. Moreover, Kim’s words appropriately challenge the designation “The Strong-Willed Child.” The fact is, every child is a sinner; every child is “strong willed.” When we label a child as difficult when he is one and two, we run the risk of thinking that the quiet, compliant sibling is not strong willed. Oh, no! He has the same strong will as his short-tempered brother.

I hope you find her words as comforting and challenging as I did.

One of the first talks as a pediatrician that Lee gives to brand new parents is not about feeding or sleeping. Although he has preferences in these areas and shares them, he recognizes that babies are quite resilient to parent mistakes. One thing he is quite firm about is when he tells parents that as much as they want to protect and nurture their new baby, one of the most important gifts they give to their children is a good marriage. It’s easy for new parents to become overwhelmed at the responsibility of doing everything right for this new child. Lee’s advice to parents is to beware of the tendency to make one’s children a higher priority than one’s marriage. He tells them there is wisdom in finding exclusive time together to build that relationship.

Different parents have ways of overcoming the many obstacles as they squeeze in that exclusive time. In the military, it can be a challenge when you are a picky employer to find a new perfect babysitter every few years. Money is often short, and even a weekly dinner can be too expensive. Evenings can quickly be filled with civic responsibilities, sports, church activities, and a number of other “essential” commitments. To solve some of these problems, one of my friends began hiring a babysitter a few doors down to watch her sleeping children, so that she and her husband could take a nightly walk (one of the blessings of living in a temperate climate). Another friend who is a relatively new mother has started swapping babysitting nights with a friend who also has a young infant. We’ve still not been able to find a good solution. Maybe our four year old will be old enough to babysit by the time we find a solution, but I hope not.

The weekend before Christmas we took Lee’s own advice. Some friends from church agreed to watch our children so we could have a few days to ourselves. Lee and I had fun. We didn’t get as much planning done as we’ve done in the past on our anniversary trips, although we did solve nearly all the world’s problems and determined why we had a problem with the classical education crowd. Lee worked on a Christmas present project, and I wrote my children Christmas poems. We looked at the year’s pictures. It was good, strengthening time.

On the other hand, I missed the children, more than once. I worried that the baby wouldn’t understand where her mommy went. I felt guilty that some other family had the inconvenience of watching them. I contemplated going home early to get them.

What was significant to me is noticing my reluctance to impose on another member of our church family to watch our children. Yes, we paid the teenager bearing the bulk of the care, but it wasn’t close to minimum wage for 48 hours of work. I know full well the extra work that three children would give to the already busy mother. I felt guilty about it until finally I had to give myself a good talking to. This is part of serving one another, a part of God’s plan for the local church. They were happy to watch the children, partly because they knew it was helping us spiritually. I needed to be grateful, not guilty.

This was a good reminder that I need more of God’s church, not less of it. I need to know the people who sit around me enough to be able to pray for them knowledgeably. I need to be willing to give of my time to minister to them, and be thankful that I’m at home and able to do it. I also need to have the character to follow through on my good intentions. on the receiving end, I need to be willing to share my own struggles, and not merely be eager to hear of others’. I need to be willing to call for help, even when it’s my own fault I need it. I need to be humble enough to receive edification, not pridefully dwell on giving it.

Signing off to get to work!

There’s a danger for a mother of young children, and that is distinguishing between genuine obstacles and lazy excuses. A new mom getting a few hours of fractured sleep may very well be too tired to take the other children to the playground. A mother might be ill and feeling guilty because she’s not able to do what she used to do with her children’s schooling. Lack of sleep, a fussy baby, a rebellious child: these can be legitimate reasons for not doing what we think ought to be done. We are reminded that our God gently leads those sheep with young babies (Isaiah 40:11).

But I’ve also noticed that these can be lazy excuses I’ve used to justify my sin to myself and to my husband when he kindly probes into my spiritual life. Yes, I’m tired, yes, the baby is fussy, but I also wasted a good deal of time indulging my own desires (the Bible calls them lusts) as I ignored my children. Solomon observes this tendency, too.

The sluggard is wiser in his own conceit than seven men that can render a reason. Proverbs 26:16

I need the Holy Spirit’s help to discern true obstacles, laziness, or some combination of the two. I need God’s encouragement and reassurance when I face true obstacles. I need humility to see when I’ve been lazy, and to be truthful with my husband when he asks about my day. I need the grace of repentance to change my behavior and walk in the Spirit.

Bethel’s birthday is the 25th. Yes, she came eight weeks early and gave us a surprise Christmas present. When (adult) people find out, they immediately groan and make some sort of comment about how terrible that must be.

She’s now three. She doesn’t mind at all. However, since we’re aware that it could be a sore spot in years to come, we’ve been brainstorming some ways to keep her birthday from being lost in the shuffle.

One of the things we’ve done is make a birthday date with Daddy a big deal, an idea given to us by my sister-in-law Rebecca. On Christmas night, Lee took Bethel out for dinner. The other children will get a birthday date, too, but on Christmas, only Bethel has that day. There are other birthday privileges, too, like choosing dinner and desert. If that means we get macaroni for Christmas dinner, then so be it! These non-gift traditions make a clear distinction between birthday and Christmas.

When we do parties, I take away all Christmas decorations. I suspect from her personality that she won’t care too much, as long as she has balloons somewhere, but I do want to make sure that Christmas decorations don’t become a stand-in for the birthday decorations. That means no Christmas wrapping paper for presents.

We’re okay giving her presents on her birthday, but if she wants a birthday, she may not get a Christmas party. We’ll have her party on Thursday this year, but I think as long as she makes the choice, I don’t see it as being a problem. We’ll give her her birthday presents the day of the party.

Any other ideas? I tend to think that children take their cues from the adults around them. So if you talk to Bethel about her birthday, don’t tell her how terrible it is to share a birthday with baby Jesus. We tell her it’s a wonderful thing! Knowing Bethel, I suspect she’ll take it all in stride.

We’ll be back with our regular Wisdom Wednesday next week. I’m stuck on all the Proverbs I’ve been thinking through the last month or two, so if you want to share one, please do!