Archives for April 2008

We’ve found a few mourning cloak caterpillars a few weeks ago that quickly pupated upon capture. We’ve been waiting and this morning one came out dramatically.

Such a memorable event might very well stay with them for a long time; thus, it is a good opportunity to teach them an important spiritual truth along with it. I told them that the butterfly isn’t anything like the caterpillar it used to be (Bethel was wondering whether the caterpillar were still in the chrysalis). God made a new animal out of that caterpillar. Our hearts are the same way. On our own, our hearts are selfish and proud. God must make new, pure hearts. That’s what happens when we become Christians.

We’ve been saying the Corinthians passage all morning. Hopefully we’ll have it memorized by the time daddy comes home tonight. And the Psalm 51 passage has a tune that I know, so we’ve sung that a couple of times. We might even be able to make a play or something out of the event.

Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new (2 Corinthian 5:17).

Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me (Psalm 51:10).

Already, I’ve pointed out to one child that the actions coming out of his heart showed he needed God to change his heart.

How about you? Has God given you any good opportunities to teach something memorable to your children lately?

Yesterday we talked about how the influences of our children can be biblically unwise. I’m not trying to make a list of good and bad influences for our family, like scouts are bad and AWANA is good. That’s not what wisdom is about at all, is it? Instead, I’m trying to think of biblical principles that are going to help me evaluate when an influence is unwise.

Let’s review this, since I wasn’t entirely clear. First we looked at God’s priorities:

Jesus answered him, “The first of all the commandments is: ‘Hear, O Israel, the LORD our God, the LORD is one. And you shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ This is the first commandment. And the second, like it, is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.

When it comes to loving our neighbor, we talked about the priority of the local church. Paul reminds us

Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all, especially to those who are of the household of faith (Galatians 6:10).

Then we started to talk about how those activities or friends are actually influencing us and our children. See Proverbs 13:20: He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed.) One influence clearly discussed in God’s Word is friendships; we become like our friends. Thus, I want my priorities to reflect the priorities I see in God’s Word. It’s not that we cloister ourselves in a Christian commune, but it seems clear that our closest friends should not be unsaved people.

I want to consider more ways that I can evaluate when activities are influencing us or our children for the worse in a particular situation, but we had a delightful day today with daddy being home, and I’m too tired to do more thinking. I’ll finish these thoughts tomorrow.

I’d like to consider that the age of a child does make a difference in what influences them, and how they are influenced. Because of this, it is not inconsistent to be more protective when a child is young, and gradually teach our children how to respond to the world as they get older. I’m considering first Corinthians 15:33 that says Do not be deceived: “Evil company corrupts good habits.” Paul warns us not to be deceived because we are easily deceived in this matter.

Last, I’d like to consider that sometimes the good effects of an activity or friendship can be outweighed by the bad. That’s not something we can always determine easily. I guess we need more wisdom.

I’ve also been compiling some questions I’m still pondering. I’ll post those tomorrow, too.

In case there has been any doubt, I was a nerdy teenager. One summer when I went to camp, I brought a few books and a cross stitch project along, and happily sewed and read while the other girls in my cabin played volleyball all week. Thankfully my parents recognized that my interests were atypical and didn’t worry that I had little in common with teenagers around me. Still, I was not allowed to be isolated. My parents were keenly aware of our interests and the influences surrounding us. Anytime a missionary family or visiting pastor’s family came through our church, they were invited to our house. Mom drove us to spend time with godly friends who lived in other towns. Even though sports was never a dominating part of our lives, they encouraged us in a variety of sports. We took swimming, tennis, and bowling lessons. My brother played soccer. When a friend needed a horse exercised, my mom went out of her way to let me take advantage of the opportunity. When an opportunity arose for me to work at a tutoring clinic in high school, my mom encouraged it, even though it was a half hour away. That meant she drove a half hour each way to drop me off every weekday (my dad picked me up on the way home from work). To my mom and dad, the good environment with generally moral people and a Christian boss were worth the sacrifice (high school and college nerds are generally a little cleaner cut than the typical McDonald’s crew).

Helping a child develop social skills and a variety of interests is a good and wise thing. It is good to encourage wholesome activities and friendships whenever I can; but that exposure should not be careless and indiscriminate. I must have a way of weighing the good against the bad.

Children are exposed to the world and its culture in a variety of ways. Many can be wholesome and good, but it would be unwise to simply make a list of good things and bad things and be done thinking. Some ages might be more susceptible to their influence; for example, a teenager’s desires will not be as influenced by a Happy Meal as a three year old will be. A five year old girl will be affected differently at a community pool than a fourteen-year-old boy. Different personalities will be affected differently, too, which might pose a challenge to parents of multiple children. Because of the vast array of variables, parents need much wisdom as they consider the influences surrounding their children. Here are a few of the influences I’ve been thinking about:

• Movies and TV
• Music (Ipods and access to Itunes)
• Other Marketing: Happy Meals, Food packaging in the grocery store, Trademarked characters (books, costumes, dinner plates, etc.)
• Community sports
• School (preschool, Christian or public school, homeschool groups, etc.)
• “Experiences” (ballet, prom, hunting, debate, chess club, scouting)
• Time with unsaved acquaintances and friends (neighbors, school friends, playgroups)

How do we know if and when these are good things or bad influences? It will help to look at several biblical principles as we evaluate the choices we make as we guide our children.

Even good things can be problematic when they become too important. One way to evaluate whether an activity is too important is by examining whether it interferes with what our family should be doing. Do the interests of our family cause us or our children to be too busy to have a personal walk with God? God commands believer to assemble regularly; believers should love God’s church and His people. When other interests prevent a family from being an active part of a local body of believers, it is likely those interests are too important. Occasionally, the interests of our children can interfere with the time we parents need to spend together building a marriage. This principle will affect which sports we might encourage our children to participate in. (When are practices and games?) It might make a difference in the level of skill we encourage our children to develop: a summer at a ski camp? Or a summer at Brevard or Interlochen? Olympic training? Club ball? Scholarships?

Likewise, something as simple as Dora merchandise can be problematic for a preschooler if it becomes an idol. Maybe a preschooler is unwilling to share or is covetous. Maybe it’s a television show that is so important we become irritable if we miss.

Our desire for our children to be exposed to unsaved children might be too great when they spend too much time with them. God tells us that those who walk with wise people will be wise, and a companion of fools will be destroyed. Clearly, God is not telling us to avoid all contact with unsaved people, but it is reasonable to suggest that unsaved people should be acquaintances, and not best friends. This is why I wouldn’t encourage my children to be active in a club environment where they spend a great deal of time with unsaved children, even if the activities they are doing are wholesome.

Sometimes, cultural exposure limits positive exposure (time away from Christian friends, parents, church, youth group activities, godly grandparents). I want my children to spend as much time as possible with godly influences. For this reason, if I were deciding between two churches, two schools, or two activities, I would consider the other children. I’m going to look at the high school graduates, even if my own children are in grade school. Even my preschoolers interact with the older children. The junior-high students in my church are my children’s heroes, so I am interested in them. I’m going to spend a lot of my energy helping my children develop good influences, and frankly, that won’t leave much time for some ?other interests. My values are going to dictate where I spend my time, energy, and even money.

Tomorrow we’ll consider a few more principles to consider.

I remember quite clearly when I was in high school an unsaved coworker “interpreted” a conversation on popular music for me, explaining references that were beyond my knowledge. At the other person’s puzzled look, my friend said, “She knows a lot about classical music, but she knows nothing about pop or rock.” The exact response was “Ohhhh. That’s cool… in a weird sort of way.”

This event was surprising to me because I had expected a negative response to my oddness, but in fact it was respected… in a weird sort of way. I’m not going to spend time discussing whether the oddness is good or bad, or whether some forms of oddness should be prevented. I think those answers will come as we consider a different question. When is it okay to take steps in order to prevent social awkwardness?

• Most importantly, my motives must be primarily concerned about the testimony of Christ, not my own desire for “cool kids.” Probably every person can think of a variety of people in his experience who have been offensive and repulsive. We naturally want our children to avoid these traps, but if our motive is for them to avoid embarrassment or offensiveness, we will make bad decisions. Sometimes doing right in itself causes embarrassment and offensiveness. If instead, our motive is for the glory of God, then we have a better basis from which to act.
• We must distinguish the state of being odd with sinful arrogance, impatience, and self absorption. I suspect much of what we want our children to avoid is simply sinful behavior, completely separate from what movies our children enjoy or their ability to talk with unsaved children. Instead of addressing the sinful and offensive behavior that hurts the cause of Christ, parents may focus on hobbies or interaction with popular culture and unsaved people. Sadly, the sinfulness remains regardless of the measures taken to prevent nerdness.
• It is helpful to first distinguish between personality and skill. We often forget that some children have God-given personalities that are more or less aware socially, regardless of environment or upbringing. Those who are intelligent socially must have love and patience with those who are not. Those who struggle socially must love others by learning as best as they can how not to give offense. If we confuse personality and skill, we risk discouraging a child by unrealistic expectations. We risk impatience when we assume all children learn social skills without direct teaching. And we admire or praise some children for traits just as shallow as appearance or intelligence.
• Finally, it is helpful to consider that there are advantages as well as disadvantages to being socially aware, or socially indifferent. Sometimes, knowing and caring what other people think can be a stumbling block to doing right confidently. When we view a personality trait as entirely positive or entirely negative, we limit our understanding of how God can use each person for His glory.