I’ve heard various Christians react to the apparent conflict between shepherding a child, and winning the battles of authority. Regardless of how you want to label the conflict, I had a good experience this morning loving and caring for my twenty month old.

She ran away with sister’s toy, and when I told her to return it, she clutched it tighter and said no, Mommy.

I came to get her and help her obey, but then she dropped the toy and said no again.

So I scooped her up in my arms and took her to the bedroom. She got a spanking for disobeying. I told her that she must obey mommy, and when I prompted her to say yes, ma’am, again she said no. Now I know that many Christian parents would keep spanking at this point, but I don’t spank repeatedly until “the will is broken.” There’s too much danger of abuse at that point.

What I did do was this: I told her that she must stay with mommy until she said yes, ma’am. She cried, and I knew that she understood it was her way or my way. After awhile, I put her in a chair and told her that she could get up when she was ready to obey. Then I took advantage of her immobility and pulled out my Bible. That reminded me again to pray for wisdom and direction.

After awhile she told me that she wanted to get up. I told her she could, but after she was ready to obey. I’d asked her before Are you ready to obey? but she had always responded no.

Finally she said yes, and when I asked her to say yes, ma’am, she did.

We repeated this process a few hours later in a different incident. She responded more quickly that time. I’m particularly interested that it came about that establishing authority was more of a focus than the spanking. The spanking was incidental (and although I know some will disagree, I think it may have been unnecessary). God’s Word allows for a multitude of ways to teach our children to obey. Sometimes we focus on the method rather than the goal.

I’ll be thinking on this for awhile.

One of the questions we ask our children is “Are you going to obey?” This question clarifies that the command is not an optional wish the parents are making, something especially important with very young children. It emphasizes that obedience is a choice, and it communicates my desire for the child to do right.

Some people are concerned that it teaches children to avoid obeying until the last minute (like counting to three, or using the child’s middle name and last name). My response is that if I’m using the question to avoid confrontation, then it’s a problem. But if I’m using it to teach, then I think it’s appropriate.

One of the obedience struggles we’ve been facing with Bethel (age three) is that she bursts into tears when she’s asked to obey. Sometimes she obeys, but often her tears are a delay tactic and are clearly an expression of her resentment.

I’d like to address this issue with her. Yesterday I started asking “Are you going to obey cheerfully?” I’ve also asked several times “Are you going to choose to be cheerful?”

We’ll see how she responds.

Incidentally, I’ve noticed that Bethel and David also cry when they’re angry. I’ve said before “Hitting when you are angry does not work God’s righteousness,” but today I told David “You are crying to show that you are angry.” He stopped and looked at me. I don’t think he had thought of crying as an expression of anger.

Last night we were driving back from El Paso, where Lee had some training over the weekend. There’s a border patrol stop on the way home, and the children were fascinated by the dogs that were walking by each car that stopped.

We explained that they were looking for drugs. We had to explain what “drugs” were and why they were bad. The dogs and their handlers were looking for people who were not obeying the law. Both David and Bethel were interested, so we kept talking, and at one point mentioned that working dogs must be obedient. They must obey right away, and they are happy when they are following their owner, just like we are happiest when we obey God.

They kept asking questions, so I started telling Dargo stories, about a German Shepherd we had growing up. We started Dargo in Schutzhund training, which prepares dogs for police work: tracking, defense, obedience, and so on. The problem was that Dargo wasn’t well disciplined, and he was never a success, even though he was a skilled tracker and highly intelligent.

They kept asking questions, and I was enjoying getting obedience mileage out of the topic.

Finally, they fell silent, and I felt thankful that God had allowed this discussion. I pray that I am alert to more real-life examples of God’s principles. I used to wish for a book of examples like this, but I’m starting to realize that while someone else’s examples can give some encouragement and inspiration, they aren’t nearly as helpful as those flowing out of a parent’s own life and walk with God. What real-life examples have you used lately to teach God’s ways?