As4Me

Sharing My Efforts to Apply God's Word to My Life as Mom. Wisdom Is the Principal Thing.

Archives for August 2015

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Teaching Metacognition

One of the long-term goals I have for my children is for them to learn metacognition (an understanding of how they think and learn).

Most mothers learn at some point if their children learn better by hearing or by reading (auditory or visual learning). Sometimes children have to have an example to understand. Sometimes they need the big picture first; others need the parts first and then the big picture (deductive or inductive reasoning)

I remember the first discussion I had with David about his very definite auditory preference. He told me he wasn’t any good at memorizing. After a brief conversation, he understood that he wasn’t great at memorizing visually (the way he had been taught at AWANAS). On the other hand, he was challenged to think about memorizing by listening and reading aloud, and quickly demonstrated great skill in memorizing this way. He learned something about how he learns.

We’ve watched the FAT City videos on youtube, and had good success with the children drawing their own conclusions about how they learn. As we work on their schoolwork, the topic comes up from time to time.

And today, I’m remembering that they learn about themselves by learning about their mama. My auditory learners often read their homework out loud to ask a question they have. Most of the time, I laugh and tell them to bring me the work so I can see it! I remind them, “Mama is a visual learner, and it’s hard for me to see what you’re asking me when you read it.”

I’ve told them to bring me their homework enough times so that today, Bethel asked a question and immediately brought me her book, “I just remembered you’re a visual learner and need to see what I’m asking.”

Hurray for greater understanding of each other.

Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Matthew 6:21-33

 

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Dear Weary Mama,

Dear Weary Mama,

Today as we talked, I saw a question in your eyes that wondered if you were a failure as a mama. As I watch you with your children, I can tell that you’re not a failure. It’s true that you’re having a hard time loving them, but that’s not the same thing as failure.

I’m praying for you.

First, I’m praying that you will become confident in where you stand with Christ. That’s because God’s children are given the resources they need to learn how to love their children. Look at this passage in First John, which clearly shows both God’s part (showing us how to love, and making us like him), and our part (purifying ourselves).

See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him. 2 Beloved, we are God’s children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is. 3 And everyone who thus hopes in him purifies himself as he is pure. I John 3:1-3

Dear Weary Mama, seek first the kingdom of God, and God’s righteousness. Everything else will fall into place. If you are unsure that  you are a child of God, you will lack confidence in Christ that will bring peace and joy as a mama. And if you’re not a child of God, you will lack the ability to love the kids the way you would like to.

My second prayer is that you will rest in the discovery that learning to love your children is an expected and normal process. Remember that Titus instructed the older women to actually teach the young mamas how to love their children. If you feel lost, it’s okay! You’re still learning. And if you don’t have a good example nearby, then you still have the Holy Spirit teaching you. It’s no problem for him to help.

Older women are to “teach what is good, 4 and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, 5 to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled. Titus 2:3b-5

If loving children was always black and white, and super simple, then God would not have told the older mamas to teach how to do it!

Dear Weary Mama, I love you and am praying for you today. I am still learning how to love my children, but I will share what God is teaching me.

Moreover, as for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the Lord by ceasing to pray for you, and I will instruct you in the good and the right way. 24 Only fear the Lord and serve him faithfully with all your heart. For consider what great things he has done for you. I Samuel 12:23-24

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The Cat, and Possessing Children

I was motivated to get another pet after brainstorming our children’s love languages, watching how important physical touch was for all of them. I’ve been working on being more deliberate with my own physical expressions of love, but felt like they needed more tactile experiences. I’m sure there are other ways to meet this need, but I’m telling our family story. We got a cat.

It’s been a good experience, but not without some learning lessons. All three children were instantly possessive. Each was devastated if the cat decided to sleep on someone else’s bed. They were all competing for the cat’s attention and cuddly moments. I’ve repeated a number of times, “The cat is not a toy. He has opinions and feelings. You don’t get to decide to sleep with the cat if he wants to sleep somewhere else. You can’t force the cat to trust you. You can’t force him to love you.” It’s been good.

Today, one of our children mentioned that she’s been doing better about not treating the cat like a possession. I mentioned casually that parents have to learn that lesson, too. All three kids became interested in the conversation and started asking questions. (I still talked more than I should have, but I’m learning.)

Is it okay for parents to give baseball lessons to a child because they love baseball and are hoping he loves it, too? Should they let him quit if he says he doesn’t like baseball? We talked about how wise parents try to find out why their children like or dislike something. That will help them know if they should let them do something else. The children enjoyed talking about why they like certain sports.

I shifted the conversation to music instruction. I just started giving piano lessons to all three children, and am requiring 20 minutes of practice every day. Not all of them like the piano or practicing. All three have resisted at some point. I explained today that I don’t expect all three children to become lifelong lovers of playing the piano; however, they haven’t learned enough to know if their dislike is because they don’t know how to play or because they truly don’t like piano or playing an instrument. They might end up surprised how much they like the piano.

I asked them if they could think of other examples of times when parents let their children enjoy and learn things differently than they do. As they talked, I thought about how this discussion was a good reminder to me. My children are not possessions for me to force into the things I think they should love or want them to do. I can do a lot to cause them to be interested in some things, I can expose them to good and healthy pursuits, I can whet their appetite for what I think they will like or what I think is best for them; but ultimately, I must leave their choices with them and with God. I can rest by trusting my Good Shepherd!

  • I can’t force them to obey the Holy Spirit.
  • I can’t force them to love the hobbies I like.
  • I can’t force them to become the grownups I imagine is best (“you’ll be a great ______” etc.)
  • Sometimes I guess wrong on what they like or will be good at. That’s okay. I’ve not failed as a mom or coach.
  • Sometimes my children choose things I don’t particularly like.
  • Sometimes they guess wrong on what they will like or will be good at. That’s hard for parents to accept, but sometimes we have to let our children guess wrong. They are not our possessions.

I’m so thankful for the example of parents who let my brother and me develop our own interests and personalities. I’m learning how to do the same thing, and discovering it’s just another way to learn how to love my children.

Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6 (It’s been pointed out that “the way our children should go” includes more than just God’s commands. Some argue “the way” refers to a child’s natural gifting and personality; parents encourage growth and direction like a young sapling that needs nurture and care. In any case, it’s clear that we have our job to teach and nurture, and we need to leave the results in God’s hands.)

And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4 (The contrast between “provoke” and “nurture” is instructive for me.)

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