I think it’s pretty universal that parents have a place in their imagination for their children in the future, all grown up. We may see our children receiving an athletic scholarship. We hope they’ll have a high-paying or important job some day. We want them happy, and married with a few well-behaved kids. Some Christian parents have a different kind of vision:  their children becoming the next John Piper, the next Adoniram Judson, the next Amy Carmichael. Back to the everyday, to how I think, I’m wondering, when I think about my children as adults, what is in my imagination? What people do I want them to emulate? What is most important to me, and ultimately, how do my actions confirm or deny my values?

When Paul talks about Epaphras, he identifies specific commendable actions. I’m noticing that he doesn’t feel the need to point out that Epaphras is motivated and strengthened by the Holy Spirit. He doesn’t remind us that anything good in this man’s life is entirely because of God’s grace, and so on. If Paul were speaking at some churches I’ve been a part of, he might get criticized for exalting men instead of God. It’s interesting that a public shout out is neither unspiritual nor necessarily man-exalting.

Epaphras, who is one of you, a bondservant of Christ, greets you, always laboring fervently for you in prayers, that you may stand perfect and complete in all the will of God. ¹³ For I bear him witness that he has a great zeal for you, and those who are in Laodicea, and those in Hierapolis. Colossians 4:12-13

I love this description of Paul’s friend Onesiphorus:

The Lord grant mercy to the household of Onesiphorus, for he often refreshed me, and was not ashamed of my chain; ¹⁷ but when he arrived in Rome, he sought me out very zealously and found me. ¹⁸ The Lord grant to him that he may find mercy from the Lord in that Day—and you know very well how many ways he ministered to me at Ephesus. 1 Timothy 1:16-17

In his public commendations, Paul sets an example of a pastor who publicly recognizes the diversity and contributions of the body. He identifies important and praiseworthy qualities. If a line can be crossed into inappropriate hero worship, these examples have not crossed it.

Paul demonstrates what he loves by what he praises. I’m especially interested in praise of others as a teaching tool. I remember a college professor who publicly admired a legendary teacher for his habit of picking up trash as he walked around campus. Sure enough, one day I happened to walk behind him, watched him stoop to pick up trash, and never forgot the example of a brilliant man with humility to serve in such a menial task. I’m interested that my professor modeled a world view that admires character more than intelligence, a desire to see beauty and goodness in the world around her.  I like it when that daddy is helping his daughter. I like it when people tell the truth even when it is hard. I like it when… My children don’t know it, but these comments are teaching just as much (and perhaps more) as if I gave them commands: pick up trash, help children, tell the truth, even when it is hard, and so on.

It is also true that I show my children what to value by what and how often I criticize. Negative examples are a necessary part of life, but I want to be careful that my running commentary doesn’t emphasize what is bad with the world. When my habit is to find fault, I can hear my children becoming cynical, not discerning.  I’d rather my speech reflect that God is in control than communicate that nobody can be trusted, everything is falling apart, and I’m powerless to stop it!

Regardless of whether my comments are positive or negative, I am teaching what to value by what I value. Especially as my children have gotten older, I’ve been less confident in my ability to shape a life that attempts great things for God, and I have realized that I’m far more interested that they grow up to love God with all their hearts. If God wants to lead them into great things, he can do so, but what’s most important to me is that they follow Christ. That’s a big difference.

He has shown you, O man, what is good;
And what does the Lord require of you
But to do justly,
To love mercy,
And to walk humbly with your God? Micah 6:8

Do I love justice, mercy, and humility? How am I communicating that love to my children?

Have you ever discovered something negative about someone you admired? How did you react? I went through a time when I was skeptical about people: what are they like in real-life, when nobody is around?  I tended to assume that because I was disappointed by certain people, that everyone would disappoint me sooner or later. Sometimes I’ve wondered whether encouraging our children to have heroes causes more harm than good. That kind of cynicism isn’t a good place to stay, I’ve discovered! Looking back at the Bible helps me to gain perspective and reset my thinking.

Let’s look at some verses in the Bible that will shape this discussion for us.

First of all, it’s a given that the Christian life is about following the perfect hero, Jesus Christ. We can (and should!) study his life and learn from it! That means that Christians should be especially familiar with the gospels, and should regularly ask themselves, “How can I imitate Christ’s example here?” He will never abandon us. He is the perfect good shepherd.

Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. Matthew 16:24

My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me. John 10:27

Second, there is a Bible precedent for learning from the examples of real life men and women. Paul repeatedly tells his students to follow his example. “I urge you, then, be imitators of me.” 1 Corinthians 4:16 (Also, Philippians 3:17, Philippians 4:9, 2 Thessalonians 1:6, 2 Thessalonians 3:9)

Peter also reminds elders that an important way to shepherd a flock is by example. (…nor as being lords over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock; 1 Peter 5:3) Likewise, as a mom, I need to remind myself that I’m teaching a whole lot by my example. (Am I talking about welcoming refugees without actually doing anything to welcome refugees? Am I showing my children the fruit of the spirit that I want to see in their lives?)

If you’re like me, you’re acutely aware that you’re not always a good example. And Paul, obviously a normal human, isn’t telling Christians to follow him in every way. (For example, he specifically acknowledges that not every Christian will want to remain celibate; and clearly he would want us to use discernment and not imitate him if he were being selfish or prideful or despondent.)

In fact, the Bible also tells us that we can learn from negative examples! Read the following passage, and look for specific lessons Paul shows we can learn from bad examples.

Moreover, brethren, I do not want you to be unaware that all our fathers were under the cloud, all passed through the sea, ² all were baptized into Moses in the cloud and in the sea, ³ all ate the same spiritual food, ⁴ and all drank the same spiritual drink. For they drank of that spiritual Rock that followed them, and that Rock was Christ. ⁵ But with most of them God was not well pleased, for their bodies were scattered in the wilderness.

⁶ Now these things became our examples, to the intent that we should not lust after evil things as they also lusted. ⁷ And do not become idolaters as were some of them. As it is written, “The people sat down to eat and drink, and rose up to play.^{“ 8} Nor let us commit sexual immorality, as some of them did, and in one day twenty-three thousand fell; ⁹ nor let us tempt Christ, as some of them also tempted, and were destroyed by serpents; ¹⁰ nor complain, as some of them also complained, and were destroyed by the destroyer. ¹¹ Now all these things happened to them as examples, and they were written for our admonition, upon whom the ends of the ages have come.

¹² Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall. 1 Corinthians 10

We should not be afraid to ask about what we can learn from these real-life examples. Yes, Bible stories tell us something about God, but it’s not unspiritual to ask children “what can we learn from this Bible story?”

Finally, the Bible treats some people like heroes in spite of some pretty big flaws. Hebrews 11 surprises me (I never thought of Samson as a particularly inspiring hero), but it’s a good reminder that I can admire a person without admiring everything about them!

Because of how the Bible treats real-life heroes, we can draw some tentative principles as we consider how we approach contemporary heroes (living people we know personally or know from their writings or teachings). What principles would you consider?

P.S. If you like using fiction to teach, you might consider The Path of the Pale Horse by Paul Fleischman to read aloud and discuss with your preteens or teens. What happens when honorable heroes disappoint us is an important theme in the book. My short review on library thing.

When I was young, I read a lot of Christian biographies. I liked their stories, and found them challenging and inspiring. I also had this idea that the reason I was supposed to read biographies was to aspire to be a hero. Attempt great things for God; expect great things from God. Start an orphanage or tell nobody about my spiritual needs and expect that God would supply them anyway.

Occasionally, I would read a Christian biography of someone who seemed to be a hero, but had some problem or doctrinal error. I stayed away from those biographies. I thought, If a person isn’t a hero, then there’s no reason to read the biography. Throw those books out!

Then I became a mother. When my own children grew old enough to read, I had a desire to give them good books of men and women that were good role models. They NEEDED good role models. That’s because I could see all their faults and predict how messed up their lives would be if I couldn’t fix everything quick. Another thing, for some reason, they imitated all my faults instead of all my good points. I could tell we were in REAL trouble if we couldn’t get some better examples for them to study at our house.

I re-read the biographies of Christians that challenged me when I was young, and I started to question some of my assumptions about why I was reading biographies in the first place. I noticed that my reasons for reading these biographies have changed, and my understanding of people has changed. I’ve been particularly interested in the people (Christians and non-Christians alike) who have shaped our world. Many that I had once considered Heroes turned out to be people I would not want my children to be like at all. Some of the very things we admire, that enable people to do great things, come at a great cost. (For example, early missionaries who essentially abandoned their family and found fruitful ministry overseas, or creative geniuses who accomplished great things while destroying all but a few personal relationships.)

Another way that I’m reconsidering biography reading is the understanding that Christian biographers sometimes omit controversy or less attractive parts of their subjects, and unintentionally present an unrealistic portrait of Christian growth and godliness. Thinking back, I can see how some of those biographies I read left me more dissatisfied with my own weaknesses and struggles, wishing for something big to do for God, and idolizing the “giants” of the faith who I didn’t realize were normal, godly people. If I’m going to admire a person, it’s better to do so, knowing the whole person and not just a carefully curated collection of anecdotes. I do not want my children to unwittingly hold themselves to an unrealistic and extrabiblical standard. I especially want them to know that the Christian life is one of uneven progress, of immaturity, of failure and repentance, and so on.

I want them to value the long-term and simple faithfulness of God’s people in small acts of obedience that aren’t portrayed well in biographies. It would be far too boring to read about the Christian who chose to love her spouse by giving him the last ice-cream bar, or who went to church one Sunday, even though she felt like being an introspective hermit instead. Or to read the hourly internal prayer conversation of a Christian in dire circumstances, that leaves him exhausted every evening. The daily work of teaching a toddler to share is tedious, not something to explain step by step. Perhaps the best biographies can convey this kind of patient and boring faithfulness, but it is not common.

I’ve stopped thinking about biographies as pure models and more about understanding people and how God works through them however and whoever they are. We can take our cue from the Bible, a revelation of God and his works in the lives of his people. Yes, we are told to study the lives of people who have gone before us. God gave their stories to us for our good. We have figured out how to be gospel centered in our theology, but have we figured out how to be gospel centered in how we admire people? I suggest it is possible to have heroes who increase our confidence in God, not who simply give us more heroes for us to try to emulate.

The heroes of the Bible sometimes had mixed legacies. Reading Hebrews 11 reveals some people we wouldn’t have included in the hall of faith. Perhaps it would be better to frame our admiration of traits that God used in spite of human weaknesses. We can help fill in the blanks when Christian biographies leave out context, and we can refrain from blindly following the examples of our heroes without examining whether these examples would, in fact, be wise for our situation.

Finally, we can encourage our children to see God at work in others’ lives. We can remind them we are told in the Bible not to put our confidence in man. When I was a teenager and experienced crushing disappointment in Christian leaders I respected, my parents with tears encouraged me to put my confidence ultimately in God. He will never fail me, or forsake me. When we put too much confidence in people, we hold them to a higher standard than any person can possibly maintain. People will fail us. God will not. I’ve stopped wanting my children to be the next Hudson Taylor, and instead pray that they would love the Lord with all their hearts, souls, and might. I can encourage them to learn from Hudson Taylor’s biography, but if that encouragement leads them to more confidence in man, and less in God, then I have not done well.

Now I’m curious. How are you sharing with your children what you admire in others and why?

Tomorrow we’ll talk about heroes in real life!