Church Life

November 4, 2022 by Michelle Leave a Comment

Examples of How Church Helps

(Also titled: More Than I Can Handle, Part 6)

This is part of a larger series examining a better way to frame the question of whether God gives us more than we can handle. Today we’re looking at ways that the local church helps people in the broader discussion of trials, suffering, hope, and help. If you are new to this discussion, you may find this context helpful, starting with the first post in the series.

Help by Community Prayer

Prayer is not always a private time of conversation with God; the Bible indicates that sometimes prayer is better when other believers join us. (Matthew 18:19-20). How and why, to what extent? I don’t know. It is enough for me to pray with others simply because Jesus says it’s important. Surprisingly, praying with others is not always an easy spiritual practice. It’s easy enough to pray for other people’s faults or vulnerabilities, but much harder to share those things ourselves. Sharing prayer requests is risky for everyone, but it’s a risk that Jesus expects on some level for all of his children, regardless of their personality. Jesus intends our prayers to be met by kindness and trust. May it be so.

Jesus helps us understand the need for both telling the situation and asking for help. When Christians gather, they share their joys and sorrows with each other. We should not dismiss the telling as unimportant, but we do sometimes need to remember we are asking others to join us with a request, not just talking about a problem with our friends. When a blind man comes to Jesus with a vague request “Have mercy on me!” Jesus responds, “What do you want Me to do for you?” (Mark 10:46-52)

Isn’t it obvious what he wants? Doesn’t Jesus already know? Clearly, the question was for the benefit of the one who needed help. Likewise, when we pause to ask ourselves (and God, and each other) what exactly we are asking for, we clarify motives and obstacles that may be relevant for our decision making.

In a way, clarifying what we want can help us take responsibility for our situation, even as we’re trusting in God’s sovereignty for what we cannot do ourselves. Over the years of helping children with math homework, we have experienced both passive and active ways of asking for help. “I don’t get it” is passive. “I keep getting the same wrong answer. Can you help me find where I’m going wrong?” is far better. We tell our children, “when you come for help, always bring evidence that you’ve tried to solve the problem. Ask a specific question; don’t just tell the teacher you are stuck/frustrated/don’t understand.” Likewise, when we ask someone to pray for a specific request, we often do better at thinking through the problem and what we actually need.

James also tells Christians to pray together, for sickness (not especially hard) but also for sin (much harder). When I’ve asked for prayer, especially for a sinful struggle, I am choosing to take my request seriously, not flippantly. Others who join in my prayer may gain courage to ask for prayer for their own needs, and we all strengthened as a group when God sustains and answers our prayers. We grow in trust. Just like with Jesus’ instruction, we may not understand the limits and details and benefits of this kind of prayer, but we do well to attempt it.

Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. ¹⁵And the prayer of faith will save the sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. ¹⁶Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.
James 5:14-16.

Help through Diversity

But now indeed there are many members, yet one body. And the eye cannot say to the hand, “I have no need of you”; nor again the head to the feet, “I have no need of you.” … But God composed the body, having given greater honor to that part which lacks it, that there should be no schism in the body, but that the members should have the same care for one another. And if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; or if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it.
1 Corinthians 12:20-21, 24b-25

One of the most valuable things about the church is how it understands and implements diversity. Instead of avoiding diversity, we rejoice in it! Diversity is not division. We don’t have to have all the strengths, nor does God expect us to. We are not always strong at the same time, so we don’t have to pretend to be or feel guilty because we are not. One time long ago when our family gathered, I was washing dishes while my sisters-in-law chased babies. When they expressed regret that they weren’t helping, I realized that I was truly joyful that my hands were free to help. When I I remembered the same feeling of regret when I had to leave church early, or when I wasn’t able to do all the important things, I realized that I had also been fearful that people resented me for not helping. They weren’t!

We can take joy in the diversity of gifting as well. When my more outgoing daughter needed some encouragement, she benefitted from a friend far more socially gifted than I am. I’ve had to humble myself to ask for help cleaning my garage, finding a new wardrobe– two things that were a significant burden to me at the time. Thankfully, God provided help when I was weak, but I had to go and ask a human for that help.

Two are better than one,
Because they have a good reward for their labor.
For if they fall, one will lift up his companion.
But woe to him who is alone when he falls,
For he has no one to help him up.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Help by Giving, and Giving by Receiving

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, ⁴who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Surprisingly, some of our greatest growing in difficult seasons happens when we draw from our meager resources to serve others. Paul shows us that this kind of giving actually continues the healing that began earlier, redeeming the suffering we experience by using the experience for good. Giving is good for us in other ways, too. It IS more blessed to give than to receive.

Some personality types naturally give well, but they may unintentionally keep people at arm’s length by refusing to receive. They’ve taught themselves to put on a happy face and say “Everything’s fine” when they aren’t fine. God’s word clearly intends us to be honest with our need for help and prayer. When someone asks “What can I bring? How can I help?” we should answer honestly! We don’t want to be a bother, but if we are not careful, we will take away the blessing others would receive in giving to us.

If I am always giving, or if I am always receiving, I may want to reflect and ask for wisdom about whether I am out of balance. If I am noticing gaps in my church, it’s possible that God wants me to meet these needs. “Why isn’t anyone doing XYZ?” might be a clue for us. On the other hand, God calls us to rest in him when we see more gaps than we are able to fill. He loves his church, too, and he will provide in his way and time.

Multigenerational Help

When we are seeking help, we should look to the broader community, including those in other stages of life than we are. Sometimes we are tempted to look for a professional counselor for help that may be better coming from a godly older woman! God intended churches to provide practical help for the very things that woman earnestly desire to get right. For all of our desires not to leave out women who work outside the home, are unmarried or do not have children, we neglect Paul’s list in Titus to our peril:

The older women likewise, that they be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things— ⁴that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, ⁵to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed.
Titus 2:3-5

These are the areas of teaching that should be happening in our churches– all from different women in different stages of life. This plan is a churchwide enterprise– not a single grandmother expert who tells all the younger women what to do. If we want to pursue the kind of community that Paul describes, we will be cultivating relationships across generations. If we talk only to people in our stage of life, we are neglecting a source of help and service that is vital to church life.

Do not dismiss imperfect mentors. Sometimes we lament the lack of mentors without considering that the mentors may not know who WANTS help. If you desire help from an older woman, you will need to ask! It takes practice learning how to ask questions that lead us to greater confidence in God, and not mentors. We do not seek help like the world. Mentors are not God; they have weaknesses and strengths. Many young women dismiss the help that a mentor can give because they see weaknesses.

What can we do to give this kind of help? Mentors can intentionally make flexible spaces in their schedule to meet needs. In the secular world, adults can pack their schedules so tightly with work, sports, school, that they have no time to live in community. When we can make space, we should. We can learn from those who help well, but we should not assume they are the only ones God is calling to serve in this way.

Help in Brainstorming Solutions

Where there is no counsel, the people fall;
But in the multitude of counselors there is safety.
Proverbs 11:14 (also see Proverbs 15:22 and 24:6)

In a multitude of counselors, you’ll surely get a multitude of principles to consider. Because you gain the perspective of God’s word understood through different experiences and current stage of life, you gain greater clarity for the decisions you must make.

A multitude of counselors can sometimes be paralyzing when everyone is telling you to do something different. Consider five women with different backgrounds– some growing up in a Christian home and coming to faith as a child, and others who heard the gospel for the first time as an adult; single women and women with children, some women with children our own children’s ages, and women who have grown children. Now imagine all of them with a love for and knowledge of God’s Word. You have a problem, and you don’t ask “What should I do?” (That’s going to get you a bunch of opinions and not always closer to wisdom.) Instead you ask “What Bible principles do you see in this issue I’m facing? Wisdom is sorting through biblical perspectives and making a choice, trusting that God will lead you.

Help by Transparency.

We should be actively pursuing the light, pursuing accountability and transparency. In all of the ways churches help, some level of transparency is necessary.

Jesus talks about the tendency to passively (or actively) avoid the light.

And this is the condemnation, that the light has come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. For everyone practicing evil hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed. But he who does the truth comes to the light, that his deeds may be clearly seen, that they have been done in God.”
John 3:19-21

Knowing one another is risky, even when hearts are loving and kind with each other. It takes deliberate humbling of ourselves and our natural desire to be well thought of. Wherever you find yourself, it may help to consider the ideal– mutual transparency and love. Transparency does not preclude discretion and a measure of restraint, but if we reject all transparency, we cut ourselves off from a God-given resource. Transparency is our responsibility. Sometimes we place all the responsibility of accountability on others and passively avoid the light. “My accountability partner never followed up.”

When Help Is Absent

Sometimes churches don’t or can’t help. God may use the lack of available help to lead us to reexamine our options and direct our next steps. Am I willing to reconsider my career plans? my desire to homeschool my children? my busy schedule at church? Is my dream house or promotion a bad choice for my family? Should we relocate closer to family? When we were told we had 30 days to move out of a house we were renting, we reconsidered a house we had rejected as unsuitable. In retrospect, that move was exactly what our family needed at the time in particular because it brought us into closer community with a family that was a tremendous help to us in a difficult season.

November 2, 2022 by Michelle Leave a Comment

How Church Helps

(Also titled: More Than I Can Handle, Part 5)

This is part of a larger series examining a better way to frame the question of whether God gives us more than we can handle. Today we’re looking at the role that the local church plays in the broader discussion of trials, suffering, hope, and help. If you are new to this discussion, you may find this context helpful, starting with the first post in the series.

The covid epidemic revealed a number of misconceptions Christians and non-Christians alike have about church and churches. When leaders reminded congregations that “the church” wasn’t a building, some people concluded that meeting together was unimportant, merely the “social” part of spiritual activity. Is gathering itself (apart from the Bible instruction) the entertainment part of Christianity, or is it instead an essential part of life for a Christian?

To find the answer, we look to Scripture. Even a casual investigation shows a community energy and activity among Christians that is impossible to imitate from a distance. Look closer, and we find detailed instructions for loving one another and resolving conflicts, instructions that are unnecessary if church were simply a group of people listening to a lecture. We can connect virtually (truly a gift in our world today), but connecting in person is far, far better. We must not passively abandon the precious gift of Christian family.

If you have grown up around church and church-y people (or if you have a lot of your biological family in your church), you might forget how distinct this kind of community can be. If our reference point for community is secular group dynamics, or dysfunctional Christian group dynamics, we will miss this specific camaraderie that God designed to be a tangible help in need.

Christian culture challenges our secularized assumptions of how and why we help people, no matter what country or passport culture we are from. Giving when it is difficult, undeserved, or not reciprocated, is often seen as foolish and wasteful, and we naturally tend to expect a return on the investment of giving. God’s word offers a substantial contrast and reference point for us, marked by a peculiar generosity that stems from mercy and kindness.

In Galatians 6, the apostle Paul explains this Christian culture to us.

Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. ³For if anyone thinks himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself. ⁴But let each one examine his own work, and then he will have rejoicing in himself alone, and not in another. ⁵For each one shall bear his own load.
⁶Let him who is taught the word share in all good things with him who teaches.
⁷Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. ⁸For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life. ⁹And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. ¹⁰Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all, especially to those who are of the household of faith.
Galatians 6:2-10

I love how Paul presents the complexity of helping throughout this passage. Christ is our example and reference point. We see the assembly called to bear one another’s burdens(v.2), and yet told that the individual responsibility of a burden is not collective (v.5). Burdens require self reflection, and the dignity of self reliance (v.4). Paul outlines priorities for our helping (v.6 and v.10). He acknowledges pride that gets in the way of burden bearing (v.3), and that, while helping is sometimes tiresome and difficult, our motivation for helping is not (v.9).

Notice that Paul avoids micromanaging by leaving out details of how we bear burdens. Implicit in his instruction is a great deal of wisdom and freedom in decision making: Not every helper has the same resources, and at times may be unable to provide relief to the degree needed or wanted. Further, different cultures will value and provide different kinds of help. During the pandemic, this diversity was often misunderstood. For example, Christian communities had different needs or desire for caution than others, even though they all may have had a deep desire to help families. Why is it surprising that communities see different neighbors in need of help? Sadly, the intensity of criticism in the last few years among Christians revealed a lack of understanding about the diversity of the body of Christ.

As we try to follow Paul’s expectation for Christian community, we sometimes miss the mark, both in identifying and helping to meet needs, but also in requesting or receiving help. While no church is perfect, and meeting needs will often require mercifully overlooking awkwardness both giving and receiving, we should see a desire from all to help others, and a measure of transparency in asking for help. We will also see growth in how we give and receive help.

Tomorrow we will look at some specific ways that the church provides help for the overwhelmed.

February 24, 2022 by Michelle 1 Comment

Hospitality in the Youth Group

When I was a teenager, I was odd and awkward. The kids at my church were very different from me, and although we were friendly, we weren’t friends. I was lonely. Sometimes when our church would host missionaries or other visitors who had teenagers, I wanted to say hello, but I always chickened out and left church in embarrassment and more loneliness. One summer, I stayed with my grandparents, and I attended their church. For the first time as a teenager, I was a newcomer to a church. I sat with my grandparents. I went to a youth activity and sat with a youth leader. The only person who ever reached out to say hello was a very awkward boy, alone himself within the youth group.

God used that experience to give me a new perspective as an outsider. I didn’t care about being best friends with those girls– I just wanted someone to see me and ask me to sit with them. Back home in my familiar environment, I realized that I wasn’t that different than the “unfriendly” girls at my grandparents’ church. As long as I was worried about what people thought about me, my focus was inward and left me both unfriendly, and feeling like a failure. If I remembered my experience as an outsider, I didn’t have to worry about whether someone thought I was weird, or if I didn’t have common interests with a person. Suddenly, it was much easier to reach out in simple kindness.

As an adult, I still have to remember this perspective. Every three to four years, the military moves us to a new place. As we visit churches, we spend time talking with our children about what hospitality looks like, both to teach and also to remind ourselves about what is true. We see hospitality in the candy lady who brings candy in her purse to hand out to the children, or the youth leader who finds newcomers and pulls them over to connect with another teen.

Hospitality, we’ve learned, is not merely a synonym for “having people to my house for dinner.”

Sometimes we’ve visited churches that seemed unfriendly, and our default response has always been to recall that 1) It’s often the result of the dominant personalities at the church and 2) Perhaps God can use us to fill a needed part of the body. (The healthiest churches will have a wide variety of personalities, all loving others in ways that reflect their spiritual gifting.)

We want our children to love God’s church, and to see themselves as a vital part, no matter what their age. In order to do that, we have to show them both how to serve, and also how valuable their service is. I’d like to share some of our strategies for teaching our kids to reach out. These things have become a part of our family culture, but that doesn’t mean our children learned it by osmosis, and it’s definitely not our personality. Only one out of five of us would identity as an extrovert. (The extrovert interjects here: Even though I consider myself an extrovert, that doesn’t mean it’s easy to reach out, or that I always know how to love people.)

We admire people showing hospitality at church. Why is this important to us? Mostly, because we teach them what is important by what we praise and notice. Did you see how Mr. Smith made that person feel welcome? Did you see how he brought two similar people together? All personalities have distinct ways of loving others, so we pay special attention to those ways that are surprising– like the lady who gives out candy at church. What’s happening when she hands out candy? She’s telling the children that she sees them, and that she is happy they are at church with her. This example is easy for our children to see, because they are recipients of this hospitality.
We also teach them what is important by the questions we ask, so if we stop after “did you have fun?” we’ll subtly communicate that’s all we care about. As our children have gotten older, our conversations after church now include questions like “Who did you talk with? What’s going on in their lives?”
We want to show them how hospitality makes them (children and young people) an essential part of the body. While we want our children to fellowship with other believing children at church, we have asked them not to hide after church with their friends. When my youngest asked a visitor to play tag with the other children in the church yard, she heard that child ask her parents if they could stay longer (The family hadn’t talked with any adults and were on their way to the car.) As they were leaving my daughter heard that visitor say “Can we come again next week?” This interaction causes me to ponder. What caused that child to want to come again? The program? Curriculum and activities? My daughter was reminded that day of her important role in the body of Christ. I’m grateful.
We have often challenged them to look for other kids or teens who are outsiders, or to look for the younger children who are not included with the “big kids.” We teach our children to look for the people who are near to, or on the outside of, the community. Often these are those who are new themselves, or who have had big changes in their lives, or who for some reason are different from the insiders. The transition from elementary to middle school, or middle school to high school is often a time when new friendships are more easily made. Newcomers can to try to connect with the small groups who have been together all their lives and are tight, close friends, but it’s tough to connect with these groups. Sometimes friendships come in unexpected places, and we want our children to look out for God’s surprises.
Sometimes we have to teach them what to talk about. Once I listened to a young teen excitedly tell my son about a new video game he got. My son ignored his comment and responded with “Want to see the knife I made?” I asked my son about it later, and he told me that he didn’t like that video game. That’s a normal immature response– the differences in their interests seemed impossible to overcome. But my son took to heart my challenge that one way he can love someone is to ask questions about what they’re excited about. He doesn’t have to love video games to say “What do you like best about this video game?”
One way we can bridge unlikely personalities is to focus on what we have in common– Christ! We have suggested our kids ask “How can I pray for you?” or “What is God teaching you?” These are surprising (and sometimes unsettling) questions, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t valuable. In fact, sometimes these questions can open a great door of community and love between very different people. My children both reminded me at this point: Don’t be surprised that teenagers don’t always know how to answer these questions. Brief discussion ensues.
We encourage them to connect outside of the church service. For children, it’s asking another child to play tag with the others. It might mean asking them to a youth activity, or to their small group. Finding out what school they go to, and then connecting them with others at their school. Connecting them to the appropriate church social media or exchange phone numbers, if appropriate. Going to recitals and sports events. We encourage our kids to instigate inviting a family over for dinner or lunch after church, because we want them to know that they are a part of our family hospitality. In other words, hospitality isn’t just a parent’s choice that is endured passively by the kids.
For friends that we see during the week, we deliberately save our visiting for another time. Since we can’t typically talk with everyone at church every week, the time on Sunday is best spent with those we won’t see any other time. When I lived on the same street as a close church friend, some people thought it was funny that we barely spoke at church!
We teach our children to keep an open circle. I saw this idea described as “the pacman rule” on twitter, and thought it was a great way to explain to my kids how to talk with friends but also practice hospitality. Instead of the friend group forming a closed circle, it should include an opening, like a pacman.

Ultimately, we have to give any resulting friendships to the Lord. Sometimes, we can’t explain why someone doesn’t want to be our friend. You can only ask someone over so many times before you need to back off and be respectful of their space. One time I was really sad when I had difficulty helping my son connect with some boys that he really liked. I tried unsuccessfully to get the boys together (with and without mom, during the summer or on the weekends). It made me sad, because I would have loved to be friends with the mom, too, but it wasn’t what God had for us or them. It’s easy to blame myself or feel guilty for these failed friendship attempts. When I can’t find an explanation for a friendship that doesn’t work, I and my children can trust our loving shepherd to work out these things for his glory.

There is pain when we realize we are not wanted in a space, but God is always present. He is a faithful friend. I pray that in these lonely times, my children and I can sing “What a friend we have in Jesus! All our sins and griefs to bear! What a privilege to carry everything to him in prayer.”

How are you encouraging your children to welcome others at church? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

July 7, 2021 by Michelle 10 Comments

Transitory Friendship

Here in Hawaii, we live near several military bases. Each summer, there’s a transition when hundreds of families leave, and hundreds of families come. Our church feels this shift acutely. One summer we lost almost our entire children’s ministry team. That was a challenge! In addition to the constant military churn, we also see visitors who are here on vacation or temporary jobs. I love to see these individuals and families, who love God’s church enough to find a local body even though they are far from their own. Nevertheless, I feel a bit awkward saying hello and then figuring out they’re only in town a week or two. Do I go find someone else to greet?

One memory shapes my response to this “temporary” ministry and “temporary” friendships.

Early in my marriage, we moved to a new state, moved into a small house in a quiet neighborhood (on a military base, but that’s not important, actually). I figured it was important to go meet the neighbors, and the moon was right for boldness because I listened to the impulse and went to knock on the door next to ours. A pleasant couple came to the door to chat, and they mentioned that they were moving soon, within a month or two. “Ohh bummer,” I thought, “Well, maybe the other neighbors will be nice.”

Just like that, I left that house making the assumption that the nice people I just met were not worth my time, because they were leaving. Later, I felt ashamed of myself, enough for the memory to stay with me and nudge me anytime I felt like I didn’t have time to show kindness or love. Love isn’t wasted like that.

What I have learned is that God uses moments just as skillfully as years. Every connection with a person, whether a kind word at the grocery store or a sticker given to a toddler next to us on the airplane, can show God’s love in tangible ways, even when we don’t have an opportunity to share names and contact information. Sometimes God gives us glimpses into the long-term effects of those moments, but most often we don’t ever know. God knows, though.

One of the most beautiful things I’ve ever heard in a church prayer meeting was the pastor who, having met us moments before, said “Lee and Michelle, God brought you here tonight. How can we pray for you?” He didn’t know whether we were temporary or permanent, but he saw God’s providence in our presence. I’d like to be like that, too. We don’t have to overthink this one. If God brings someone your way to love, love them as you have opportunity. Let God figure out how long they stay, or why you’ve crossed paths.

Let brotherly love continue. Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some have unwittingly entertained angels.
Hebrews 13:1-2