Archives for March 2012

March 30, 2012 by Michelle Leave a Comment

Followup to Lying Post

Here is my mom’s comment when she read my post (It’s a little intimidating to have your wise mom reading what you write, but I’m glad she does.)

I suspect you may have made a simple problem more complex than child could emotionally handle. She lied, she needed a spanking, she needed to be reminded that good intentions arent the same as right actions. Hug kiss problem over. Howevr, said child needs to have room checked more often by mom.

Thanks, mom. Sometimes I do over-analyze, over-teach, and in general make simple things more complex. Sometimes it’s good for someone to tell me life is far more simple than it seems to me at 11:30pm. I do think that part of what was bothering me about my little one, was that I sensed what I was trying to accomplish was beyond her emotional ability to deal with it. But I pressed on because I wanted her to learn the lesson. And the last practical bit is true. How many of my discipline problems happen because I’m not doing my job?

So on that note, I hear the children downstairs eating breakfast, and I should go join them.

March 28, 2012 by Michelle 2 Comments

Developing a Relationship with My Children

Chapter seven of my mom’s book Parenting with Wisdom takes a look at how God is the perfect parent. It is a chapter rich with Scripture, and it is both encouraging and challenging. One comment she makes that I’ve been thinking a long time about is this one:

“Note that a good parent-child relationship will make even poor discipline plans work and a poor parent-child relationship will almost always ensure any discipline plan’s failure.”

Today I’m thinking about questions that I can ask that nurture a good relationship with them. It is a challenge to explore why my children do what they do, but it helps me to love them better. Many of these questions come from my mom (she’s good at asking questions. I’m still learning.) Maybe you can add some of the questions you ask to get conversations going in your house.

The first questions are ones that I can (and have) asked my children, but mostly they are questions that I am regularly asking myself about them, looking and praying for insight.

What are they afraid of?
What provokes them to anger?
How do they perceive themselves? (I usually ask them questions after we’ve read a book– Are you like the protagonist at all? In what way? I was surprised one time when David said, “I’m just like the protagonist because he’s shy.” That blew me away, because I wouldn’t have made the connection.) Do they feel successful at their daily events/ chores?
What makes them sad?
What motivates them?

Invariably my children express their opinion on everything from soup to people to flowers to games. It’s become a game for me to try to figure out what they like or dislike about a certain thing. Sometimes they don’t know, but if I give options, they usually can give me more information that I can figure out. So my first two questions come after an opinion is expressed (or not. I’ve asked these questions in the car about topics I know they feel strongly about.)

What do you like about it?
What do you dislike about it?

The next questions are about their friends. Usually these get asked soon after visits from friends (adults, teenagers, and children).

What makes so and so a good friend? Do they love their siblings? Do they love God? Do you like the same things? Do you like to play the same games?

Next are questions about lessons/ Bible stories, or passages in the Bible.

What’s a verse you like?
What do you like about it?
What is your favorite part?

A few that are fun to talk about in the context of specific activities (although I’ve asked this question out of the blue and been surprised at their responses):

What are you looking forward to?
What did you like best about today?

Questions about church:

What was the lesson about? (I still have the urge to ask if Sunday school was “fun.”)
Does the teacher love God’s word?
What was the best thing you heard during the lesson?

March 27, 2012 by Michelle 4 Comments

Will Not Admit She Lied

The other day, a child in our household lied. [Actually, this event was several months ago. Discussion on the event follows.]

You need to know that I am very reluctant to make that assessment if there is any uncertainty, especially if a child denies lying. I ask, “Are you telling the truth?” I have explained more than once that mommy does not always know the truth, but God does. I have told my children at times that I am doubtful they are telling the truth. But I have long believed that the consequences of accusing a child who is telling the truth are not good. I’m willing to deal with the lesser consequences of believing a child who is, in fact, lying.

So the child in question was reading on the couch. I asked, “Dear child, have you made your bed today?” Child looks up and says, “Yes.” Mom goes on her merry way, glad for children who are growing in maturity. UNTIL she goes upstairs to check on another child and happens to see that the bed has not been made. I know what a half-hearted effort looks like, and it was clear that the child had not, in fact, made her bed, as she said (by anyone’s definition of made bed)

So I called her to sit by me, and said, “Did you tell mom that you had made your bed?” Child bursts into tears, and insists she was not lying. She thought she had made her bed, but forgot she hadn’t. I told her this was not possible since she had been awake less than forty minutes. She still insists that she forgot and then explains that she did not lie because she intended to make her bed but got distracted because she could not find her fuzzy blanket (that was in fact, not on the bed in question). She would not admit to lying. I told her that if she believed by this, she was telling the truth, then she was lying to herself (a concept we have discussed before). I asked her if she was loving the truth like a wise woman. She cried and said she didn’t know. I asked if she would be willing to pray and ask God to show her the truth. Normally, she is spiritually sensitive, but that day she did not want to pray and didn’t know why. She got a spanking and then went to make her bed.

This event happened several months ago. I’ve never posted because I still don’t feel good about my approach, and I have no answers to my questions. But, since I need a post, here are my questions for myself.

How much should I push her, when I’m certain that 1) she lied and 2) she doesn’t think she lied.
How do I help her not take refuge in “I’m okay because I forgot”? This statement is true enough for her– she does forget and perhaps because I am patient with forgetfulness she’s gotten the idea that there is no correlation between forgetting and disobeying.
Finally, is it possible I’m completely misunderstanding her personality, and if so, how do I balance kindness with the encouragement of growth? Is the harshness that I feel in retrospect a result of my pushing for repentance when I need to back off and let the Holy Spirit do his job?
One of the good things about looking backward is that I can remind myself that it is God’s mercies that he uses our feeble attempts to teach our children God’s Word. I am praying that God will give them a passion for the truth, and that the Holy Spirit will help them discern the difference between truth and deception even when I cannot. I can trust God.

In the meantime, maybe we should talk about forgetting verses. They are still asking for silly putty talks.

Question: Find a verse in Psalm 119 about what we should not forget. 🙂

Look up and read:

But to do good and to communicate forget not: for with such sacrifices God is well pleased. Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief: for that is unprofitable for you. Hebrews 13:16-17

But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves. For if any be a hearer of the word, and not a doer, he is like unto a man beholding his natural face in a glass: For he beholdeth himself, and goeth his way, and straightway forgetteth what manner of man he was. But whoso looketh into the perfect law of liberty, and continueth therein, he being not a forgetful hearer, but a doer of the work, this man shall be blessed in his deed James 1:23-25

Question: Does God care if we forget to obey?

Questions: What can we do to remember God’s Word? (obey right away!)

Question: What are the consequences of remembering to be a doer, according to James? (blessings)

Here is the followup to this post, with comments by my mom!

March 12, 2012 by Michelle 1 Comment

When a Child Has a Hard Time Remembering Salvation

I have wanted for awhile to post Bethel’s testimony (given by permission) as a part of our childhood conversation series. Now, Bethel had a harder time with her testimony than David. She is 18 months younger, and places her salvation testimony about two years ago (when she was about 5 years old). This is consistent with my observations about when she started saying “I AM saved, Mom” and I just smiled at her. On the other hand it was about that time when she very seriously began wanting to learn to read, “so I can read the Bible” she said. I had never said this to her, although I had told David this during school time. She literally learned to read by reading the Bible at night.

Part of the challenge was that her story was inconsistent. In bed, at a table, in Texas, in NewMexico, and so on. I wasn’t sure if she was making up a memory, or if she was confused, or if I needed to scrap the whole conversion and tell her she had to get saved again. I ended up taking about two weeks of conversations to get the result we ended up with. I didn’t want her to feel like she was being interrogated or disbelieved. I didn’t want my interest in her response to influence any doubts or confusion she may have had (i.e., mom wouldn’t like it if I couldn’t remember when I was saved). So every few days, I’d pull her to the couch (when the other two were in another room) and say, Let’s work on your testimony. Tell me again when you remember.

I asked a lot of questions. At first, she said that she got saved in Texas. That surprised and alarmed me, because I had no idea what time she had in her mind, and I do remember when she started saying she was saved in New Mexico, and when she demonstrated a marked interest in spiritual things. I asked her if she could remember where she was when she decided to trust Christ as her Savior. I asked her what house it was, and other similar details in order to tug at any memories that she hadn’t thought of. I finally understood that the Texas part of her conversion story was referring primarily to a conversation we had (that I did remember) about needing to get saved over and over. I had been pretty sure she was at a point where she once thought she was saved, but was concerned that she didn’t know any more. I felt guilty for not taking her seriously earlier, and I was working on helping her make her calling sure.

She had talked a little bit about not telling anyone that she had been saved, which was why I brought Up Romans 10:9-10. With the heart man believes, and with the mouth we confess. It’s why I believe that even though a child might “believe” all his cognitively aware life, there should be a point where he deliberately confesses faith and trust in Christ. That is the “moment” of his salvation practically speaking. In any case, that conversation was encouraging to her, but she wasn’t inclined to make a new decision at that point. I told her that if she had trusted Christ, that her faith should be that God always does what he has promised. If you have believed in your heart and confessed with your heart, then what does the Bible say about you? Resting on what Christ has done (instead of worrying about my age or memory or words) is powerful. I didn’t realize that the time that it solidified her decision in her mind.

That was several months ago, after David made a profession of faith, but before I started working on writing down what they were saying about their salvation. As best I can tell, she believes she was saved in New Mexico, but wasn’t sure she was saved until our conversation in Texas. As we wrote out details, I asked her to put them in the right order. That helped me stay out of her memories better, I think. She wanted the verses at the end. Time will tell how God’s Word and the Holy Spirit will work in her heart. She quickly and confidently gives Romans 10:9-10 when she is asked how she knows she is saved.

Like with David, I’m struck by how valuable writing down her version of her testimony has been. Although her testimony is different in many ways from David’s, writing it out gave me a great platform to talk about it with her in a non-threatening or coercive way. Here is her story.

Before I was saved, I used to be afraid of thunderstorms. Now I’m not. I remember being disobedient tons of times.

I got saved in New Mexico when I was five. When I was on my bed, I asked Jesus to save me. I didn’t understand that Jesus saved me because I didn’t know Romans 10:9-10.

In Texas, I thought I wasn’t saved. I started talking with my mom about being saved. Mom helped me find verses in the Bible that helped me. I asked my mom how to be saved, and mom said, “You only need to be saved once.” That means if you ask the Lord Jesus to save you, you don’t have to do it again. Because God made a promise, and he never forgets it.

I know he saved me because Romans 10:9-10 says That if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus, and believe in him that God has raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.

To be saved means to trust in Jesus to save from your sins.

John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whoever believes in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

John 3:16 means that if you believe in Jesus, you will be his son or daughter.

Romans 3:23 For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.

Followup to Lying Post

Developing a Relationship with My Children

Will Not Admit She Lied

When a Child Has a Hard Time Remembering Salvation

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