A lot of people who have questioned me about whether I really am as shy and afraid of talking with people as I say. They say I look like an extrovert. When I object, I am informed that I belong in the box that energizes me. Pick one: “being alone energizes me,” or “being with people energizes me.”

I’ve asked myself these questions. When I say that I’m afraid of people but also energized when I’m around people, will you say I am simply an even mix of extrovert and introvert? These categories don’t make sense to me. I rarely “feel” like interacting with people, but I regularly feel joy and satisfaction when I do so. I see my “energy” or desire for people interaction coming from a different place than my personality. It’s caring more for someone than how awkward I feel, or what they think about me.

I can see that how I reach out is different than my social friends. I feel a mixture of energy and fatigue when I love others–and a mixture of energy and fatigue when I am alone. Perhaps those extroverts have unlimited energy to be around people, but I see in God’s Word that he created all humans to need rest. It’s clearly wrong that “extroverts” do not need alone time to “recharge.” Perhaps the difference is one of degree.

When I start to feel my definitions and categories adrift and inadequate in my thinking like this, I know I need to anchor my soul in certainty, so that means going back to the Word of God to shape my foundational categories. I’ve not found any other depiction of reality that is better.

Can I see something like the introvert/extrovert framework in God’s word? How does the energizing work of the Holy Spirit fit this idea? How does our personality make a difference in how we obey God’s word?

Showing love is a characteristic of all Christians, and a major evidence of our inheritance. (John 13:35) We are all being changed into the image of Christ. Perhaps we would benefit from putting hospitality in a “love” category rather than a “social” [i.e., personality] category. I don’t socialize for the purpose of entertainment, but because I am called to love my neighbor. My personality might affect how I love and show hospitality, but the underlying love should characterize all of those who are children of God.

The Bible tells us that the Holy Spirit energizes us to love others. The fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, faith, humility, self control. These are all traits that are expressed in community. So, while walking in the spirit might begin with our individual walk, it will result in a change in how we interact with people. We can muster up our own kindness or patience for a time by strength of will or personality, but we will not be able to sustain those things without a relationship with Jesus.

When hospitality is seen as a way of loving, we acknowledge that the source of love is not from our personal well, but is rather God’s love from the Holy Spirit. The power of the resurrection. Is it possible that we’re using the wrong well? My motive for loving is different than the world’s motives. The world does not recognize or understand this energy source. Instead of reaching out because that’s how I get energy, I reach out because Christ loved me and I want to love others in return. I still get tired of people, but I love them far better when I’m thinking of others more than myself.

I can learn from the “extroverts” without needing to be like them. Some personalities do seem to have an easier time socially. What are they doing? Perhaps they are impulsive in their kindness, or they don’t overthink it. They reach out, show love, and then, whether consciously or not trust God with the results. If our hospitality is not reciprocated, we leave that with God. It’s a huge relief knowing that I’m not responsible for whether people like me or approve of me. I am far more at peace when I consciously put aside my worries about social skill and just reach out the best way I know how.

What about feeling exhausted after being with people? Isn’t that evidence that I’m an introvert? Perhaps. Because much of our exhaustion is trying to “manage” friendships, we will find ourselves less exhausted if we can figure out how to leave the managing in God’s hands. Beyond making a difference in my motivation, understanding hospitality as a form of love helps me with outcomes that inevitably fall short from my expectations. Managing all the details myself is massively impossible. Perhaps the social drain that introverts feel results from assuming more responsibility for social outcomes than we should. No wonder people feel drained after “socializing!”

I’m also at peace understanding that there is a rhythm to reaching out. We may be interpreting post socializing fatigue as abnormal, or evidence that we weren’t made for socializing like the extroverts. However, it’s impossible for anyone to give endlessly without pause. We all must rest and nourish our souls. (See Jesus’ example!) We must humble ourselves and receive from others. That’s true for what is called an introvert, and it’s also true for an extrovert. An introvert might be more aware of these social rhythms, but God’s word suggests that we all need to take time to draw joy from the well of our salvation.

Women of all personalities even have this rhythm built into our bodies, and it is an asset if we will acknowledge and value it. It’s not a flaw in the system that some weeks we have more energy to love others, and some weeks we don’t. What was God thinking?

To be helpful, physical and personality traits should be described in neutral ways. Any trait can itself be an asset or a liability. We are told introverts like deep conversations and extroverts are content with shallow small talk. In fact, some of my most “extrovert” friends love deep conversations. Perhaps those “extroverts” are more skilled with the social grease of small talk that keeps our friendships moving smoothly. Perhaps introverts should be slower to dismiss small talk as “shallow” and pay attention to how small talk can actually be a part of the rhythm of deep conversations. I’m skeptical of any personality framework that defines some traits in positive ways and others in negative.

As we work out what it means to be be humans made in the image of God, we may feel our need for others before we recognize it with our minds. Living in a quarantine and pandemic is challenging our categories of how and why we interact with people. We recognize our feelings of distress in isolation, and are helped as we examine how and why we need the physical presence of other humans. Remember in Genesis– God sought out Adam for fellowship; he understood it was not good for Adam to be alone. There’s clearly a time for solitude, and clearly this solitude can be both troubling and difficult but also fruitful and joyful. However, God himself shows us that “me and God” is not a healthy normative state.

I’ve heard from many friends who are surprised that they are struggling. “I’m not even an extrovert, and I’m sad because I’m not around people.” Some of my sociable friends are surprised when I tell them that the isolation this past year has been very difficult for me. We can learn to adapt and survive in extended isolation, but it’s not a state where we will thrive.

Whatever our personality, living in a quarantine should drive us to consider how we can love others. “Stay home” is not a sufficient answer. The constraints and pressures of a quarantine forces us to learn how to be creatively working out our salvation. Here are some questions I’m thinking about:

• What is different about connecting with people in person rather than over text or phone or letter?
• Is the exhaustion I feel after being with people a sin, or immaturity, or a normal need for rest after mental exertion?
• Is my avoidance of people because I don’t like people?
• Have I been mistaken in assuming I don’t need “socializing”?
• Will I break the law to help my neighbor if he’s having a heart attack? Will I break the law to help my neighbor who is suicidal? Should I wait until he threatens to kill himself?
• How do these thoughts make a difference for my children, in what I teach them, or how I encourage them?
• How do I love people I disagree with? How do I love people who are misunderstanding my motives and actions?

So many times I wish I had some knowledge or skill as a mother. Here are some I jotted down a few weeks ago.

• I wish I were more outgoing to help my outgoing child.
• I wish I were more of a night owl when they want to talk late at night when Lee is at the hospital.
• I wish I were better at math.
• I wish I knew the answers to some of their Bible questions.
• I wish they weren’t picking up my bad habits.

That’s just as a mom. I also wasn’t enough as a wife, or as a neighbor, or as a friend.

Maybe you can identify with my bumbling longings that ebb and flow with the moon. Here are the truths God reminds me of when I’m in that place of longing.

• I’ve had to give my inadequacy to God. No, I’m not enough. But God didn’t create me to be self sufficient. His strength is made perfect in my weakness. When I feel my inadequacy, the only way to fix that feeling is to remind myself what is true and leave my burden with God.
• Sometimes I can actually improve in these areas of weakness. Feeling inadequate makes me see where I need to change! I’m not at my best in the evening, and I don’t typically plan time with my children after 8; however, it can be their best time for a serious conversation. Sometimes I’m just being selfish when they want to talk at night, and I don’t feel like talking with children. I can and should respond to the Holy Spirit when he gives opportunity to love my children in my weakness.
• Some inadequacies or bad habits take longer to change, or are things that I cannot change fast enough to help my children. I’m learning that these times of growth are opportunities to be transparent and humble with the body of Christ in general, but also with my children specifically.
• Sometimes, I must humble myself to actually ask for help. I recently asked an outgoing friend to take Laurel out for ice cream to talk about building community and loving people. Helping each other is part of the natural outcome of healthy transparency. I can show Laurel what it looks like for my personality to love others, but it was a tremendous blessing for her to talk with someone who loves others in different ways than I do. Would I have reached out to my friend if I hadn’t felt inadequate in this area? Probably not.
• Not every need for help is a sin that must be repented of! God brings us help in so many ways! God has sent me friends with children a little older than mine, and I’ve watched them and listened to them as they navigate the older teen and young adult years. We’ve cried and prayed together. I’ve had to ask for help when I’ve had cleaning jobs that were overwhelming. Did you know that one of my friends came for a visit and helped me clean my garage? I didn’t know where to start, and she wasn’t overwhelmed in the least!
• I can show my children those who are exercising their God-given gifts in the church. See! Look at how Mr. Cliff welcomes people at church. I love to see how kind he is to the children who come. Every time we come to church, we can find examples of spirit-filled brothers and sisters to thank God for. Soon, my children will be the ones who notice how others are serving. This church has a candy lady, too! That’s a fun way to love people. Mr. Nick makes even quiet people join in a conversation; how does he do that?
• I can be open for the gifts of God to be different than what I’ve been asking for! Our small group at our church has lots of young couples, and several with young children. No older kids, no teenagers. I love how these young couples take the time each week to ask our children about their day, what they need prayer for, and invite them into their lives. I’m thankful God’s sufficiency, and the friends God gives who care deeply for the needs of my children. I didn’t expect that gift.
• I’ve had to turn envy into thankfulness when someone else seems to inspire my children more than I do. I suppose there’s a fear of inadequacy in all of us when other adults speak truth to our children and it immediately bears fruit. God uses parents to plant seeds and water them, and then at times brings along another adult to reinforce what we are teaching. This kind of teamwork is beautiful and in no way undermines a parent’s hard work, but I sometimes have to check my false assumption that my prior work was ineffective or useless. Thank you, Lord, for the Holy Spirit who works in my child’s life. Help me never to forget that the results are in your hands, not mine.

And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19 This verse is just as true for my children as it is for me. Am I resting in God’s promise to provide for them?

Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think of anything as being from ourselves, but our sufficiency is from God 2 Corinthians 3:5 I can rest knowing that God is the one who is sufficient, not me.

Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. ⁹ And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. ¹⁰ Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong. I love that Paul pleaded that God would remove his problem. I love that he didn’t recognize God’s response for a while! I love that Paul responded by reframing his problem in light of God’s sovereignty and power.

What are the ways that God is showing his sufficiency in your life?