Archives for August 2011

Here’s the first modesty goal we’re going to talk about: I want my children to become fiercely independent in the development of personal style and color choices.

I want my children to develop right opinions about modesty, far before their friends do. I want my daughters to know why they dress differently than their friends, so when they are asked, they’ll not be shamed into silence and resentment. Knowing why before they are challenged is an inoculation.

But teaching children to have strong opinions has consequences. They may decide they don’t like the clothes I’ve been picking out for them. As I cultivate their confidence regarding other people’s opinions of what’s in style or appropriate or pretty, it is inevitable that they will all grow in their confidence to challenge my opinions on what is in style or appropriate or pretty. I’m convinced this is a necessary and delightful consequence of preparing a young girl to grow to love modesty.

How am I teaching this confidence now, when my daughters are young?  By pointing out how ladies around them have developed different styles that are beautiful and modest. By asking for and respecting their opinion on matters of color and style, within certain parameters. By considering them as individuals with their own personality, and trying to discover and help them develop their own sense of style, even though it might be different than my own. My mom was a great example of this. While other girls complained about never wearing anything that their mother picked out for them, I always loved the things my mom picked out. She knew what I liked, and she also knew when to push me to try something new that I might not have picked out, but ended up liking. I realize now that her approach wasn’t accidental, or just because she has good taste! Her ability to predict what I would like was the result of deliberate study.

We also discuss silly people who don’t know why they wear what they wear. I want to see themselves as outside the group of people who don’t have an opinion, or who are manipulated in their clothing choices. I want them to see the folly of following trends for their own sakes, before they feel the pull of following trends. Here are some things I’ve said:

• Some people [I get a lot of mileage out of “some people”] wear what’s in style, even if it doesn’t look good on them. How silly is that! [sometimes we see real life examples!]
• Some girls love to be modest, but when they get married, they forget to look for a modest wedding dress!
• Some girls would be embarrassed to wear their underwear to the beach, but they’ll wear a bikini! Amazing!
• Some girls would rather look like their friends than be comfortable!
• I tell them about when I was younger, how I had friends who would tell me to buy things that THEY liked or thought was pretty, not what I liked.
• We talk about why certain clothes are attractive, how certain colors work well together, and so on. I want to help them know why they always choose a certain style or color, and part of this strategy means I need to give them words.

Little girls don’t really understand sexual purity yet. We can talk about not showing off our bodies to anyone other than a husband; they understand this to some degree, but there’s a lot about modesty that is governed by trust. On the other hand, they easily understand how people are controlled by peer pressure to wear certain clothes.

Of course, I can’t stop at simply cultivating opinionated children.  What’s important to me is not merely that my children have strong opinions, but also that they understand and embrace good biblical reasons for having them.

I’m sounding like my mother!

Next goal:I want them to understand how clothing manufacturers market clothing. [after today’s discussion, I bet you can understand why.]

Had a good actual discussion with one of my children about salvation.

I mentioned that the Bible talks about a number of people who were reluctant to be saved or repent, and that we can see several reasons for not doing so. We chatted about a few.

• The pharisees were more concerned about what people thought of them: they loved the praise of men more than the praise of God.
• The woman who came to Jesus by secretly touching his robe was afraid.
• Herod wanted to keep sinning.
• There might be other reasons, too.

Since one limitation I’ve found with my children is that not all of them are quick with words, I want to be able to give words in a non-threatening or pressured way. I don’t want to say, “This is what your motivation is…” or even “I think this is what your motivation is…” Instead, I want to give some options and see what they identify. One thing I am learning is the art of staying neutral in conversation (I’m not good at it, but I am getting better!) Since I had an interested child, I asked if any of the reasons that we talked about were ones that applied in that child’s life.

fear, mostly.

really? Okay. I poked a bit, but that was the end of the conversation. Guess that what God has given me to work with, and I should act based on what I know (not worry about what I don’t know)

Okay. It occurs to me that Nicodemus was afraid, too, but he came to Jesus. Perfect love acts out fear (we did read Treasures in the Snow because of the excellent spiritual discussions along those lines) Maybe I can think of more. And that might make a good breakfast conversation.