I had a friend think through with me the process of teaching a young child to share, and addressing the biblical concepts of covetousness and giving. It was encouraging, because I realized that I have seen a lot of growth in this area from my children. The discussion was also challenging, because it reminded me how important it is to look at a problem from a biblical perspective.

If you look at Psalm 78, the things we’re told to teach our children are all positive. It’s not that the negative isn’t important, but we often forget how important it is to discuss the “good” side.

• First, consider how you can model a giving spirit to someone else, whether it’s a new mom, your husband, a friend, or so on. Then explain to your daughter why you’re doing what you’re doing. You can explain how God is teaching you to share, even when it’s hard. Tell her what Scriptures are a help to you.
• Praise giving and sharing in others. When a nice person at the store takes back your cart for you, talk about how wonderful it is that someone would take the time to show God’s love to us (doesn’t matter if they’re saved or not. I assume they are, at this young age!) Talk about a friend who is giving, and explain that you like being around this person because they show you how to be unselfish and giving…. and so on.
• Praise it in your children. When she is unselfish, point it out. 🙂 Point out that it is God’s grace that helped her to do right (“I am thankful for God’s grace that helped you to share just now” not necessarily “you’re such an unselfish girl. look at how good you are….” )
• Help walk her through the process of sharing, even if she’s not happy about it. Acknowledge that sometimes it’s hard to be giving when it costs us something. I often refrain from forcing giving, because then the rule of law is peace at any cost, and that’s trading one problem for another.
• Before they can learn about sharing, they have to learn the laws of possessions. Baby cannot grab something simply because she wants it. “Share” isn’t a magical word that forces everyone else to be godly and me to be selfish. I have no problem with the “who had it first” question, especially when dealing with toddlers. It’s not the only question, but it does help me to identify who is instigating the problem at the moment before I deal with the heart issues. Otherwise, I’m answering a matter before I’ve heard it.
• In little ones, sharing is hard, so I teach it in steps. I teach little ones to ask “Can I play with it when you are done?” and I never let the older ones say no. I do occasionally force the older one to give up a toy after they’ve played with it for awhile. In the adult world, it’s actually rude to demand someone hand over something immediately after they pick it up (like a magazine, or a card, or some other object). As my children get older, I’ve dealt more with the “You’re holding on to that toy simply because you want to annoy your sister” and other more sophisticated motivations.
• When it is appropriate for your children to learn to share mommy or take turns with a toy, expect that learning to deny our flesh isn’t easy. I have said many times “You must share mommy. I am David’s [etc] mommy too.” Expect tears. We adults have a hard time learning this lesson, so it shouldn’t surprise us that our children will too. As they get older, and as they have lots of practice, it will be easier for them to share mommy. Act first, explain after. (I see a lot of parents who try to convince the child that this is a good thing, deal with the heart, etc., in hopes that they can avoid the tears and do what needs to be done. Instead, I like to act first, and then teach, and don’t be afraid of tears.
• Finally, do not expect your unsaved child to act like a saved one. This is a significant difference I have with Tedd Trip and others who hold a covenant theology. They treat a covenant child (i.e., one who is reared in a Christian home) as essentially redeemed, whether or not he has made a profession of faith. I disagree with this approach, because I really don’t think it reflects Scripture. Yes, we address the heart and tell our children what is expected of God’s children. We call them to obedience and give consequences when they don’t. But we either believe in total depravity or we don’t. The depravity of our children should not surprise us, whether their actions or motivations.
• I’m not opposed to identical toys (other than the lack of room, which can limit you) with young siblings, especially ones close in age. I’m not obsessive about it, but I have found that it makes playtime more fun when the littlest ones can play side by side. I have enough things that can’t be shared, so I’m basically trying to keep manageable the times when I am teaching sharing. 🙂 As the kids have gotten older, they don’t seem to care as much (although I still like to get two or three of the same thing so they can play together)

Can I say that I’ve never seen anything like this reflected in a preschool setting? For our family, home was the best preschool! That’s all for now. Off to get my chores done before music class!

I had an epiphany in St. Louis about something I heard Ted Tripp say on his videos. It’s bugged me for a few years now. He says something negative about parents who solve their children’s arguments by asking “who had it first?” I believe his point was, we should instead teach our children that it is selfish to be fighting over toys, “let each esteem other better than himself” and so on. Since I regularly intervene in sharing disputes, I have been bothered by his statement, but not able to articulate why. I finally figured out why.

First, my kids haven’t yet learned what is expected, the baseline rules of ownership and sharing. Before I can teach David that it is loving to let his sister play with the toy he has picked up, and before I can teach Bethel it is selfish to play with a toy merely because she knows it irritates David, I think they have to learn some foundational truths.

For example: they need to know that if you stop playing with a toy, it is available for another child to play with. They need to know that it is not right for them to grab a toy out of another child’s hand, nor is it right for that child to grab a toy out of their hands. They need to understand how to ask someone for a toy, and how to choose to be happy if it is not given. (“May I have it when you are done?” is better than “Share with me.”) They need to know that sharing is a choice, not an obligation, that it is okay to refuse to hand over a toy they just picked up to play with. And yes, they do need to learn that our sinful hearts do not like to share, but the grace of God can change our hearts to help us love others more than ourselves.

Second, in every sharing dispute, there’s a giver and a taker. I can’t make a blanket statement about forcing one child to be the giver, because then the role of taker simply shifts to the other child. Instead, I must discern who needs what lesson at that time. I want David to learn how to choose to be happy when somebody isn’t sharing just as much as I want Bethel to learn how to love her brother by letting him play with the toy that she had first. Does this make sense? I’m not suggesting we don’t work on the heart. Sometimes though, finding out who had it first allows us to understand whose heart needs the most work.

Maybe Ted Tripp would disagree with my concerns, but maybe he has forgotten what it’s like to have toddlers.

A friend mentioned recently that she sometimes felt like distracting her young son (toddler) was neglecting to teach him/ discipline him. This statement got me thinking about this technique, since I too, have found that it is a very effective technique with my own children. Here is a typical scenario: baby has to share or give back a toy she stole from big brother, baby throws a fit (screaming, hitting, etc.), mother finds something that will get baby’s mind off the toy she wants, baby is happy. Ever tried this at home?

So is this neglecting to teach baby how to deal with anger? Is it, as I sometimes am afraid, tantamount to bribery (“please stop throwing a fit, and I’ll give you this nice treat”)? I think this is what I’ve wondered about.

However, I am realizing that distracting Bethel or David is quite similar to what I do when I am dealing with anger in my own life. Here is a typical scenario: somebody does something I don’t like; I throw a fit (a very sophisticated one, but I might be moody, depressed, irritable, or just sulk); I finally tell self “Self, get over it and find something else to think about”; I remind myself that God doesn’t promise to give me everything I want, but he infinitely loving and all-knowing, and promises to give me everything that’s good for me; I deliberately find something to do that gets my mind off of myself (for me, I’ll often make cookies for somebody else who will appreciate them).

So, distracting can actually be a part of teaching my children how to deal with anger or disappointment biblically. I think it is appropriate to explain how changing your thinking changes how you feel. Just last night Bethel was in the car whining because she was told no, and David piped up, “Put some music on for her.” That’s because I frequently suggest that he turn on some happy music in his room to help him think happy thoughts (he has a Scripture songs CD in him bedroom stereo) I will often say, “Let’s find something happy to think about” as I try to find a toy that will please a child instead of the one he covets. Sometimes I will point out to an angry child that as long as he is thinking selfish, unhappy thoughts, he will feel miserable. Then we’ll think of something happy to do. As I type this, I realize that I could do more directing that change in thinking outward to others (like what I do with cookies), and explain how thinking of others helps us to be happy, too.

I think that it is possible to bribe a child instead of merely distracting him by taking a pleading, servile position. I’m not sure of what makes the difference, other than to say I try not to do anything that will make feel me like I’m bribing. I’ll think through this and write about it in the next day or two.

Michelle