As4Me

Sharing My Efforts to Apply God's Word to My Life as Mom. Wisdom Is the Principal Thing.

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How to Stop Lecturing So Much (and teach more)

When my children were babies and toddlers, I talked a lot. I named constantly, pointing out flowers and bugs, describing emotions and defining terms like obey and share. I wrestled to explain things simply so that they could understand. Every year I added more ways to anticipate what was going on in their heads, and figure out how to explain what was good and beautiful and true.

Now that they are teenagers, I’m having to rethink how often I need to define and name! I named goodness and badness for so long that I can forget they don’t need the whole lecture every time they are out of line. Developing a good habit takes longer than learning about a good habit. My children already know that showing mercy is better than taking revenge or being impatient. They may not need a long discussion about what mercy looks like; but they might need a nudge to help them notice their own behavior and put mercy into practice.

These nudges make the assumption that my children in general want to please their parents and God. They’ve heard the lectures already. They have the Holy Spirit living inside them, but they don’t always recognize when he is working in their lives. That’s true in my life. I need those nudges, too. I don’t need a lecture every time I sin, and I don’t need thirty minutes of self flagellation to work up enough grief for repentance. Repentance is often a thirty-second realization I’m out of line, a prayer of sorrow and request for help, and a step in the right direction.

I thought about my ways,
And turned my feet to Your testimonies.
I made haste, and did not delay
To keep Your commandments.
Psalm 119:59-60

A question is sometimes the best way to help our children start this process. Even a single word or phrase can recall a number of past discussions that can lead them to do right.

  • Are you showing mercy to your sister?
  • What are you telling yourself?
  • Are you distracted?
  • Mercy!
  • Self-talk!
  • Be kind!

Every one of these examples in our house is like a weblink connected to countless past discussions. Your family probably has similar words that act as pointers to large ideas and discussions you’ve had.

A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold
In settings of silver.
Like an earring of gold and an ornament of fine gold
Is a wise rebuker to an obedient ear.
Proverbs 25:11-12

 

 

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Stop the Scripture Reading!

Sometimes we say we love the Bible, but spend more time reading people talk about the Bible than the Bible itself! Sometimes we want to teach what the Bible says, but end up spending more time on our opinions and leave out the Bible. It’s no wonder people sigh with relief when we stick with the Bible. We act as though proximity to God’s Word is life, but proximity is not the answer. God’s Words are living, and we show whether we believe that by how we hear and obey those words. I love God’s Word, and I want to pass that love to my children, to other Christians.

I was learning from Solomon this morning.  I’m reading through Proverbs. I smile because Proverbs always makes me hungry: I can’t read about wisdom without wanting it, but it’s like Solomon never tells me exactly what I want to know in clear language. I’m wondering whether he is intentionally holding back in order for me to want more.

With my Bible open to Proverbs 25, I asked my kids, “How do you make someone love vegetables?”

This turned out to be a really great question. I got some good responses, and they understood I was also talking about my attempts to help them love God’s Word. Basking in my great success, I continued to read.

“A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.”

That’s me, beautiful words. Feeling confident, I talked some more, and then I looked down.

“By long forbearing [patience] is a prince persuaded, and a soft tongue breaketh the bone.”

Huh. That’s relevant, because Solomon is talking about his method of persuasion. Felt a vague pause, like I should think about this verse, but, still feeling satisfied with myself, I kept reading.

“Hast thou found honey? eat so much as is sufficient for thee, lest thou be filled therewith, and vomit it.”

I’ve always seen that verse as primarily about greediness. I can talk about greediness, but I wonder if there’s a connection between those two verses. I’m starting to feel like I can be greedy as a mother/ teacher, trying to accomplish too much at once. Hmmm. I went back to the verse about persuading princes. I don’t always remember that teaching children to love God’s Word is a long-term goal. I sometimes consider a single Bible discussion as a failure if they’re not repentant, vibrant, and Christlike in response to my fumbling words.

Then I look at the next verse.

“Withdraw thy foot from thy neighbour’s house; lest he be weary of thee, and so hate thee.”

Hmm. I’ve always just thought of this verse as a warning to not overstay your welcome as a visitor, but maybe it’s talking about greediness, too. Can we be socially greedy?

And I realize that teaching the Bible to my children is like being in my neighbor’s house, at their invitation. I can be spiritually greedy, trying to teach too much in one visit, presuming on their attention. It was time to stop reading.

I pray more these days!

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Love Your Neighbor, Friends, and Questions

A few weeks ago, I challenged my children to do a thing.

I’ve had opportunity to watch them with their peers, and noticed something I had forgotten about teenagers.

They are excited about their thing, and when they tell their friend about the thing, friend says “oh” and then proceeds to tell about his thing. Or he walks away.

So I challenged the kids to pay attention, and when their friend tells them about their thing, to come up with a question about it. The actual question doesn’t matter, because it’s the give and take in a conversation that shows kindness. I also told them I wanted them to try to remember if they have an opportunity to followup with a question.

(Yes, it’s better for making friends, but it is more about showing love for one’s neighbor.)

Have you noticed how often Jesus asked questions out of kindness?
How do you encourage your children to love their neighbor in their conversations?

A week later, David recounted how a peer asked if he was planning on obtaining the latest video game. Instead of shutting down the conversation with disinterest (since we don’t maintain cutting edge knowledge of video games), David asked about the game. What’s it like? He was satisfied that he was able to love this friend in conversation simply by asking one or two questions.

I’d like to think of some questions I  can suggest my children ask of their peers. Any ideas?

 

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Finding Solutions: Meaningful Conversation

A few months ago, I was praying about wisdom to talk with my children better. I get distracted easily when my children want to talk, and I’ve been dissatisfied with a lack of opportunity to talk once the day gets rolling. As they have gotten older, I’ve discovered that they aren’t always comfortable having conversations in front of their siblings. When my children were young, conversations worked best with all of them all at once. Although we still have conversations at the table, and we still talk in the car, I wanted a time when they knew they could have undivided attention from mom. A lot of parents have a time like this at night before bed, but because my brain is mush by 8:00, I wanted to figure something out earlier.

After some thinking, I decided to start having a donut date for each child, once a week, before school. Mornings work best for me, and once a week is predictable but not oppressive for my schedule. I bring my calendar with me, we buy donuts, and then we sit down to talk. We’ve been doing this for several weeks. Each child has had two donut dates, and it’s been working great. I’m really thankful for God’s wisdom and provision for conversation.

  • I show them my schedule, and explain any planned events or goals that I have in the next few weeks.
  • I ask them if there are any meals they would like to put on the schedule.
  • I’ve asked if there are any errands they want to run or places they’d like to go. (David wants more birding trips. Laurel wanted to plan shopping trips for Christmas presents. Bethel reminded me of some school supplies she wanted.)
  • I’ve asked if they have any questions or things they wanted to talk about.
  • I want them to look forward to these times, to be a profitable time. But I also want it to be a time where I can bring up spiritual discussions.
  • I’ve asked them how I can pray for them. We’ve brainstormed ideas for solving some spiritual challenges. I’ve followed up on some ongoing issues.
  • I’ve asked them what they’re reading in their Bibles, or if there are any verses that they’ve enjoyed. I’m guessing that as we do more donut dates, they will be more prepared for this question.
  • I’ve asked if they have any Bible questions, or questions that they want to ask.
  • I try to finish our conversation with light conversation about things they are looking forward to, or successes that they’ve experienced. We go home and I pray for them before we go into the house.

Looking back, some lessons I’ve been reminded of:

  • Children’s needs for conversation change as they get older.
  • Learning to talk with our children takes practice. We learn from our mistakes and successes.
  • Different parent personalities find a variety of ways to minister to their children, who also have a variety of personalities and needs.
  • Praying for ideas to teach our children spiritual things is good! God answers prayer!
  • Even when God answers prayer for wisdom, we still need to act. It took me several weeks between thinking about a donut date, and actually taking a child out.

What are some questions you ask your children when you have some alone time?

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