Military Family

May 10, 2022 by Michelle Leave a Comment

Preparing for Adulthood, Lately

Preparing for Adulthood is a category of post on my blog– as our children grow older, we are regularly examining how we are preparing them for independent thought, actions, and life. If we micromanage too much during this stage, we don’t help them when we they no longer live with us. In fact, we handicap them. Today I’m thinking about some things we started years ago but we can see clearly today that they have been helpful. I’m sure there are other things, but we’ll look at three in this post.

Babysitting

One of the ways I want to prepare my children for adulthood is making sure that they spend time around young children. Because I don’t have more than three children pretty close together in age, and because we don’t live near younger relatives that they see frequently, I’ve had to intentionally create time with tinies. One of the ways I did that is inviting young mamas with babies and toddlers to my house after school or during our lunch break. When my children were younger, they naturally wanted to play with the little children while we visited. As they got older and started developing their own interests, I used my ministry as a way for my children to earn money. I offered to pay them to babysit while the mama and I visited. We talk ahead of time about how we will keep children entertained when they come. Laurel babysits for our small group, and the parents take turns paying her for her time.

Working as a family in children’s ministry at church is another way to learn about children. Practically, David didn’t do a lot of babysitting, but he worked with us in kids ministry at church, and that gave him a lot of valuable experience as well as a way to give his time to others. Because we’ve had a lot of young children to our house, he is comfortable around them and they like him. I tell him that he’ll be a good daddy, if God gives him wife and child! Plenty of new fathers have never held a baby before their own, and they do just fine; still, I’d rather give him the idea that fatherhood is something enjoyable to look forward to, and take away some of the mystery of caring for children.

The girls babysit regularly. I’ve been thankful for the opportunities God has given them to babysit, not merely because they can earn money, but also because they are learning valuable lessons about child development that will be helpful should God give them a family some day. I signed them up for a babysitting/ CPR course. We talk about strategies and ways to entertain children. We troubleshoot ways to guide children who don’t want to cooperate. Even for those who do not love babysitting, I see that having young children around is worthwhile.

Summer Camp Work

The last three summers, David has worked at Ironwood Christian Camp in their Leadership Live program. Last summer, Bethel worked there as well. These high school students are a part of the operations staff (yard crew, store crew, dishwashing crew, etc.) and in exchange, get to be a part of a really cool Christian ministry to children and teens. One of the reasons I’m enthusiastic about this opportunity is that it gives our kids a chance to work hard with other Christian teenagers who do odd things like ask about what they’re reading in the Bible, or pray together without an adult telling them to. They are learning problem resolution, building friendships, working hard, and the joy of serving the Lord with others.

One of the things our kids have mentioned is that, because of homeschooling, and because we move often, the continuity of working at the same place each summer with other Christian kids has been wonderful. When I asked David what helped prepare him for college life the most, he mentioned his summers working away from home.

Long-Distance Friendships

I think because of our traveling in the military, we’ve been more permissive than many of our friends about connecting with friends online. Every time we move, we leave friends behind. For our children, these long -distance friendships are a lifeline each time we move, and we want to encourage them as much as is appropriate. One guideline we generally follow is that online friendships take a backseat to the new in-person friendships that God has given us. So, if we’ve invited a family over for dinner, then we usually like our kids to be a part of the meal! We encourage them to work on building new friendships in our new location, but we recognize that the old friendships provide stability, and need not be neglected. We try to do the same thing we are asking of our children, so we know it’s not always easy. We don’t always get it right, and we are learning.

A note about friendships of the opposite sex. We’ve not forbidden these, but we feel very strongly that these friendships should develop slowly in teen years, alongside of our families, along with other healthy relationships, and without family teasing. They don’t date in high school– that would be silly. But we do encourage them to build friendships, to consider that these friendships are good ways to learn what we value, to learn how to communicate better, and how to solve problems. We monitor their accounts. In general, we believe that as children demonstrate responsibility, we keep giving them freedom. At this time, we don’t remove all freedom at the slightest hiccup, but we will give more or less oversight as they grow.

I’ve observed that teasing about boyfriends/ girlfriends tends to push relationships either too fast, or to bury them underground and hidden. When these friendships are treated as a normal part of responsible living, my hope is that our children will be relatively open about them. I’d much rather keep them in the realm of conversation– What’s going on in _____’s life? What are the things that you admire about that person? etc. There’s room I think for both privacy and a little teasing, and perhaps different personalities would respond differently, but I still think keeping these relationships out of bounds for relentless teasing is a good idea.

It’s an odd feeling to be allowing more freedom, but it’s also an exciting time that does lead us to regularly bring our needs to the throne of grace on behalf of our children. We are asking God to build our relationships with them, and draw our children close to himself, that they would know the joy of walking in the spirit.

What are some of the things you are doing or wish you had done to prepare your children for adulthood? I’d love to hear your stories.

May 10, 2016 by Michelle Leave a Comment

Cast All Your Care Upon Him

I appreciate that God built into our life rhythm– to give us hope and variety and probably a lot of other things. We’re back home in Japan, recovered from jet lag. We have just two more months here before we move.

This morning I grabbed the kids, gave them some apple turnovers, and read the Bible to them. I read them the story of Saul, waiting for Samuel, deciding to disobey his instructions (1 Samuel 13). I asked the children why Saul disobeyed– they said, “He was afraid.”

Fear when God’s timing is different than ours.
Fear when God’s direction is different than what we would prefer.
Fear of not having the right answers to help the people I care about.

So we read 1 John 4:4– “Greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world.”
And “Casting all your care upon him, for he careth for you. Be sober, be vigilant….” (1 Peter 5:7-8)

Told the kids that they were likely to hear a lot of hand wringing about the state of the world in the next year. I’d rather that they not be overwhelmed by fear. I’d rather that they double down in pursuing Christ. Giving God our fear is part of learning how to do that.

Then I asked them to pray. They’re not worried about the world. They’re worried about moving. Finding friends. Having everything new. They’re resilient military kids, all right, but they’re not super-human. Thankful for their prayers. I’m praying for those things, too.

January 4, 2016 by Michelle 2 Comments

Church, Moving, and the Military

We have six months left in Okinawa. That means it’s time for a certain lecture I give to myself when we start thinking about pulling up roots and putting down new ones elsewhere.

Those teachers and leaders who have invested in our children and in us will find that their influence is transported to a new place, far away. The strengths of an old church are carried to a new one, perhaps where there is a need for encouragement or more strengthening. Like dandelion seeds, the truths we have learned in our short three years in Okinawa will be carried to the next place and planted. That’s a good thing.

On the other hand, I get to ask myself, “What of lasting value have I been a part of in other people’s lives? What of lasting value will we leave?” These are thought provoking questions.

I am compelled to pray for the people we will leave behind, and those who will take our place when we leave. For those who will come after us. Jesus tells us to pray for workers, and Okinawa has a great need for workers! We continue to pray for the church we have grown to love here.

I am also compelled to pray for the church we’ll be a part of in the new place. For godly men and women who will be teaching my children. For a humble pastor. For a place to serve and sink our roots down deep once again.

Then He said to them, “The harvest truly is great, but the laborers are few; therefore pray the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into His harvest. Luke 10:2

And let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works, not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as is the manner of some, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching. Hebrews 10:24-25

September 11, 2015 by Michelle Leave a Comment

When Making Friends Feels Awkward

In a military community, we say hello and good bye to friends often. Even though saying goodbye is never fun, keeping in touch with old friends has never been easier, with email and Facebook, Skype and Facetime.

Making new friends, though, is a little harder. It’s hard because of a particular awkwardness in new friendships. Even if we have made a good start, we sometimes make quick judgements about each other and give up too soon when difficulties come. (“she’s obnoxious” or “all he likes to do is play video games” “not spiritual enough” “definitely not a kindred spirit”)

What’s needed is patience, persistence, and love. Building a friendship is not something that always happens instantaneously. Most often, we build it a little at a time, reaching out, learning something new, living life together. We see this process worked out many times in a church community.

In our family, in a lot of ways, we’re at that beginning awkward stage for several friendships. And sometimes we come home from an event and have kids discouraged (“there’s nobody like me”). As mom, I’ve been doing a lot of praying, a lot of looking for opportunities to share life with other godly kids, and a lot of pep talks not to give up on the people God has brought into our lives.

At the same time, we’ve also been talking about what it means to be a friend of God. I’ve been encouraging the kids to take the lessons they are learning about friends, and consider how they are working on their friendship with God.

I am glad the Bible uses friendship to describe Abraham’s relationship with God. (and the Scripture was fulfilled that says, “Abraham believed God, and it was counted to him as righteousness”—and he was called a friend of God. James 2:23) Friendship helps us think about what it means to have a relationship with God, and know how to pursue him.

The Bible teaches that we are to pursue God, and we will spend our lifetimes doing so! (Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. James 4:8) We typically don’t build relationships in one large action, although big events can certainly get a friendship started. More typically, we build friendships a little at a time. This is true of our friendship with God. We reach out, and he reaches back. Repeat often.

There are lots of helpful parallels between our friendships and our relationship with God. Any other verses that come to your mind? There are lots of poems from King David, but here is one his best.

O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;
    my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you,
    as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
²So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,
    beholding your power and glory.
³Because your steadfast love is better than life,
    my lips will praise you.
⁴So I will bless you as long as I live;
    in your name I will lift up my hands.

⁵My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,
    and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,
⁶when I remember you upon my bed,
    and meditate on you in the watches of the night;
⁷for you have been my help,
    and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.
⁸My soul clings to you;
    your right hand upholds me.

(Psalm 63:1-8)

Several books also come to mind:

Haiku on My Shoe by Eileen Berry. A fantastic early reader with a theme of persistence in friendship and love. Few Christian books show Christianity lived out without seeming unnatural or preachy. This one is one of the best I have seen.

The Art of Neighboring by Pathak and Runyon. A short book on building friendships with neighbors. I really enjoyed this book and found it encouraging and challenging.

The Pursuit of God by Tozer. David and I are reading this together, and it’s been fun to discuss. Tozer speaks clearly about what it actually means to “seek God.”