When all my children were toddlers, I wrote an article called “20 Ways to Help Children Be Givers.” Looking back at that list, we still do a lot of those things! Since I made the list a little over eight years ago, I decided I wanted to add to the list. Here are eight more thoughts I have as our children have gotten older.

Perhaps you’d like to comment and add some of your own ideas to our list.

1. We talk about how mom and dad enjoy using our resources to give: It’s fun to bring a lot of food to a potluck, because not everybody is able to. We don’t inform our children every time we give, but they are keen observers and often see more than we realize. Christians give in different ways that fit our circumstances and personalities, but we all give.
2. I like to get their input when I’m planning something to give. If I’m making food for a potluck, I ask them what they think people will like to eat. If I want to give some flowers to a friend, I’ll let them pick out the flowers. If I’ve volunteered to watch a friend’s young children, I’ll ask them what activities we should do to keep them busy.
3. When it comes to giving to children younger than mine, I connect their experience of older children who loved them and played with them in the past. Remember when the big kids in New Mexico played with you? Now you have an opportunity to play with little kids and show the same kind of love.
4. I also like to connect Matthew 25:28-40 to their kindness to little people: When you play with little kids, it’s just like you’re showing kindness to Jesus. My kids hear this Scripture passage regularly!
5. I let the children pick a few special treats to have when we have company over. I want them to love inviting people over, and letting them pick out a box of sugar cereal is one way I help them look forward to company. Of course they’re excited to partake of the treats! I’ve also asked children to cut leaves and flowers from our yard to make a centerpiece, or make name cards for the table. I’m particularly interested in shaping their emotion and attitude about hospitality.
6. I’m always on the lookout for meaningful gifts that my children can make. Food is easy: if I’m making a meal for a family at church, I’ll find a special treat that the kids can make. As the children are getting older, teaching them to knit, carve wood, and so on means that they’re able to give gifts that won’t get thrown away immediately. Many gifts wouldn’t be special to an adult, but would be for a child. For example, my older kids made this dinosaur for a coworker’s child’s birthday.
7. I’ve also discovered that my children enjoy planning surprises for others when we do it as a family. Many of these ideas start with, “I have a great idea. Let’s…..” We have made pancakes as a family for the people who work at the hospital on Christmas day (in Lee’s NICU unit); for several years now, we have made and handed out coffee to parents trick-or-treating with their children. This year, the kids are planning an Easter egg hunt for Lee’s coworkers’ children. I’m not a great planner, but I can help them plan and provide resources.
8. Finally, I want them to understand the value of time and words as gifts. Writing a specific note of thanks, helping pick up the trash after church, holding a baby at church while the mama talks, coming out of a bedroom to be with the family when they’d rather be reading– my children don’t always realize that these are meaningful gifts. Just pointing it out when I see it encourages them, and shows them the value of these acts.

It’s important for me to remember as a parent that we can give for the wrong reasons. We often have to deal with times when someone doesn’t appreciate or even rejects what we give. In those cases, it’s helpful to remember that we give to please God, and not so that someone else will think we’re wonderful. We must leave the results of our giving to God, including the results of our efforts to teach our children. They don’t always want to give. Sometimes I think they’re going to get excited about something and they don’t. Learning to give is something that is cultivated, but I can’t make it happen in their lives. If it’s a project I’m excited about, then I do the project on my own. Sometimes I require them to give, but I do that sparingly and carefully. God gets the glory for our obedience as parents to give and teach, and he will bless our efforts as he sees fit.

“Then the righteous will answer Him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry and feed You, or thirsty and give You drink? ³⁸ When did we see You a stranger and take You in, or naked and clothe You? ³⁹ Or when did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’ ⁴⁰ And the King will answer and say to them, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.’ Matthew 25:28-40

What would you add to my list?

Today I made dinner with Bethel. I noticed awhile back that she hadn’t asked to help out in the kitchen for awhile. I guessed she was lacking some confidence, and wondering if I have recently been a little too irritable trying to share the kitchen in my too-small military housing kitchen. (I have a window over my sink, and a beautiful view, but I will not miss my teeny kitchen at all when we move! I have really struggled here to include my children while I cook.)

So mercy reaches out, even though my daughter was not reaching out to me in this area. It was a good time.

Where in your life have you found that you need to be the one who starts the conversation, or the kindness?

¹⁹ We love him, because he first loved us. I John 4:19

One of the blessings God provides us mamas of children is the instruction to older women to teach us how to love our own children. Sometimes I get tunnel vision, caught up in the day-to-day details of discipleship that I can’t see the beauty of the person God created. Maybe you’ve done that, too. Our tendency doesn’t take God by surprise, nor does he condemn our nearsightedness. He provides help, and then we are able to help others with the same kind of help we are given.

For example, I love how long ago Lee’s aunt took a look at my scatterbrained preschooler and said in wonder, “She’s going to be such a great hostess some day. She’ll be able to sit down and enjoy her friends without worrying about the details that didn’t get done.” I laughed, but I saw with delight that her observation was dead on. And I loved my daughter a little more that day.

When David was a baby, I noticed with concern that he seemed frightened at new experiences. When I mentioned it to my mom, she responded firmly. “He’s not fearful. He’s a watcher, and he’s cautious. He’s learning by assessing the situation first.” As I learned to pay attention to how my son responded when I gave him space to assess each situation, I learned better when to push him, and when to sit back and enjoy this creature that God made so different from me. I loved watching him learn to zip across the monkey bars one day after watching an older boy do it right in front of him once. I love him better, and pray for him better, as a result of my mom tipping me off to a distinctive part of his personality.

Isn’t it a blessing when people help us love our children better? It’s a gift from God, not his stern disapproval that we have failed Him and them by missing something important. It’s also a gift we can give each other.When we take the time to express the delightful personality traits we see in our friends’ children, and imagine out loud how God can use those traits in the future, we encourage and strengthen each other.

Have you had anyone help you love your child better recently? Do you have any opportunities to encourage someone else this week in the same way?

Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort;⁴ Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. II Corinthians 1:3-4