As4Me

Sharing My Efforts to Apply God's Word to My Life as Mom. Wisdom Is the Principal Thing.

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Homeschool Meltdowns and Corona Virus

We’re in the midst of quarantine during the Covid-19 pandemic. Our school hasn’t changed substantially– a few moving parts, but online classes and group discussions over the internet have been normal parts of our day for awhile. I have a bunch of friends, though, who are home schooling out of necessity. They’re interested in seeing what God is doing, but they’ve got some immediate challenges with such a huge paradigm shift of moving from traditional school to home school.

I thought I’d take the time to talk through one of the biggest surprises to me about schooling at home: crying children! Perhaps it will encourage you.

It didn’t take long to discover that kids cry a lot over schoolwork when they are at home. All of my kids cried over math, even though they all love math. They’ve all cried over writing assignments. I’ve felt every emotion when my kids cry over school: Perplexed, embarrassed, irritated, heartbroken. I used to feel guilty about all the crying. I know they wouldn’t cry like this at a “real” school. Kids there would laugh at them if they cried. They might get in trouble. There’s no time for crying, and some kids would kind of want to impress their teachers. Most kids will feel the social pressure to stuff the emotions inside and do the work.

What I figured out was that when kids are home, their feelings are closer to the surface. It’s not a bad thing in itself. We have time to slow down and actually deal with the emotions instead of hiding them, or letting them build up. The tears give me an opportunity to share with them what God is teaching me about finding my hope in God, biblical ideas on growth, faithfulness, success, responding to failure, and so on.

It does mean that some days we talk about trouble and discouragement as much as math or writing. I’ve grown comfortable with the emotions, because I figure learning what to do when I’m overwhelmed or discouraged is a vital part of becoming an adult. If walking that road with my children eases the journey, then I like what I’m doing. As they’ve gotten older, they don’t cry as much, but we still do get tears.

On the other hand, I’ve taken a new look at our emotional conversations since I’ve been talking with my friends who are suddenly schooling their children at home. I’m paying attention to my limitations. I can’t always erase their grief or emotions by talking about it, or by telling them to climb a tree, or by having them make a good lunch. I give the scripture and truth, and they’re still emotional and overwhelmed. Perhaps I need to take a lesson from the teachers in traditional school– sometimes you tell yourself truth, but then go do the work that you need to do. If we wait until we feel better to finish our responsibilities, we’ll be waiting a long time.

Yes, I still love being able to talk through some of those emotions with my children, but I’m also thankful for the reminder that setting emotions aside to do a job isn’t repressive or harmful, either!

I was thinking about homeschool meltdowns four years ago and even earlier than that! We are learning together.

In all labor there is profit, but idle chatter leads only to poverty. Proverbs 14:23

But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man observing his natural face in a mirror; for he observes himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was. But he who looks into the perfect law of liberty and continues in it, and is not a forgetful hearer but a doer of the work, this one will be blessed in what he does. James 1:22-25

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Homeschool Meltdowns

There are few things that make me feel like an incompetent parent and homeschooling mother, than watching my child having a meltdown while doing schoolwork at the kitchen table. (Maybe you share my feelings, even if your kids take the bus to school!)

This week, my youngest learned that saying “Me and Bethel are going to the park” is considered incorrect grammar. She had a hard time understanding why, and in no time, she was alternately wailing and storming about the makers of grammar rules.

Actually, all my children have had tears from time to time. Some months seem more tearful than others. Sometimes it’s a week here and there. In good seasons it’s an occasional day. Regardless of when the wailing starts, one thought of mine usually rises to the surface.

“They would never do that if they were in school.”

The fear, of course, is that because my children are at home and doing school, something I’m doing wrong is perpetuating the tears. Why does homeschooling have to be so tearful? Am I harming my children’s development because of this seemingly uniquely homeschool-ish reaction to everyday routine?

Actually, what’s happening is far from failure. As my husband pointed out, what typically keeps kids from bursting into tears at a surprising assignment or unexpected difficulty is social pressure. That is, the awareness that nobody else is crying over schoolwork, and that people might think kids who wail on the floor are kinda weird.

Sadly, my children don’t seem to care if I think they are kinda weird. They don’t have the same desire for approval (or, fear of man) at home that they do in front of their peers. Instead of covering up their emotions, they reveal them, giving us the opportunity to actually address them biblically.

Over the months, we’ve talked about motives, finding encouragement, perseverance because God has given each of us a measure of intelligence and we are stewards of that gift. We have all been challenged to remain faithful even in the face of difficulty. We trust. Pray.

It seems it’s a lot messier learning to manage emotions this way, but I think it’s a fantastic opportunity that I’m thankful for. Praying that God would give me patience and joy, with an eye on the goal rather than wallowing in the process. (Isn’t it interesting that I’ve got the same challenges as my wailing child?)

Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider him that endured such contradiction of sinners against himself, lest ye be wearied and faint in your minds. Ye have not yet resisted unto blood, striving against sin. Hebrews 12:1-4

 

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Emotions and Childish Crises, Part 2

This is a followup to Emotions and Childish Crises, Part 1

Since I’ve been watching my responses to my children’s crises, I’ve discovered that many times, as I seek to be compassionate, I listen carefully, ask good questions, take time to offer perspective, and then ultimately say a variation of “stop crying now.”

Since many of their childish crises are self-imposed or necessary evils, the tears often only prolong that messy room, difficult homework, or making something right with a grouchy sibling. In these cases, showing kindness includes helping them face the difficulty. The difficulty is always at the end of every conversation.

If my goal is “stop the crying” then I’m going to feel like a failure every single time. My kindness doesn’t stop the crying all that well. I was surprised and a little dismayed by this realization, until I considered that I work the same way. I can encourage my heart and renew my mind, but at some point do the right thing or the next thing in spite of my feelings.

I’ve started acknowledging that knowing what is right doesn’t mean that they will suddenly be overwhelmed with joy at the thought of doing it. I mentioned today to Bethel that even after we pray for God’s help, we still have to do hard things. Usually our feelings change after we choose to think differently, and after we start moving in the right direction. I really think this idea has been a helpful one to tell the kids (and for me to remember).

Here are some more observations since I’ve been paying close attention to the emotions at our house:

  • Sometimes I don’t talk things over with a crying child. “No, don’t cry when mama asks you to….”  Especially for my youngest, and typically when they were all younger, crying at a request was often a verbalizing of “I don’t want to” and not a big internal crisis. In these cases, saying calmly “Stop whining and obey” isn’t unkind.
  •  Not every child routinely responds with what I consider a disproportionate emotional response to the issue, but mine do. It’s partly their God-given, beautifully sensitive and emotional personalities. They feel deep. Everything matters. But for me to love them, I have to learn how to kindly, calmly, and firmly guide them through those waters.
  • It is not always a bad thing to moderate some of their emotions and help them see that they are overreacting. Some children are overly dramatic! God has a use for all this drama, but it can be startling for us as parents, and humbling when we really don’t know how to respond well or lovingly.
  • It helps that I have the same tendency to become emotionally stuck. Often I help my children better after I’ve taken care of the plank in my eye first. As I think about it, I do have a routine that gets me unstuck. I must recognize I’m stuck, reset my thinking upward, make my environment work for me, and do the thing I’m avoiding. If I’m really stuck, I ask someone to help me. Take phone calls. Once I realize that I’m avoiding making that phone call, I need to change how I’m thinking about it. Once I’ve framed my problem and asked for help, I will tell a friend I need to make a particular phone call. Or I will ask my husband to pray for me as I make the phone call. None of that makes the phone call suddenly a happy job, so ultimately I must make the choice to do right in spite of my feelings.
  • Distraction is another good approach. One way we can learn to trust God is to find something happy to do. (“Let’s go build a new Lego airplane.”) Or do right even when we feel sad about doing it. Leading a child (“I’ll help you; let’s do it together.”) whenever possible seems much better than pushing a child (“I’ve already told you, get started now.”) Helping children get unstuck often means I must get off the couch and go help.
  • I have found it helpful to consider the example of King David as a masculine warrior who was emotional. I love to read the Psalms with our children and help them identify the emotions that King David was feeling, and what he did with those emotions. Comforting our boys and helping them work through their emotions is important.
  • As mothers, we bring our children to Jesus when we reassure them that Jesus does care about their crisis, and that there is nothing too small to share with him and ask for help. With very young children, we set a pattern when we pray together. “Jesus, thank you that you care about lost stuffies.”
  • I don’t have answers for when to tell children gently that they have cried enough, or exactly how to help them understand they are unreasonably upset about something. (Like Laurel who was in tears because Bethel could jump rope more times than she could. Confession: I laughed.) Sometimes children are irrational, even when they are old enough to talk through their crises, and especially when they are tired or overwhelmed.
  • I need to remember that emotions are God-given and control of them develops gradually. Small children are naturally extremely emotional, and they will grow out of that immaturity in time, every bit as predictably as their teeth coming in or physical height (with the same kinds of variability, I believe). I remember thinking when David was a toddler that he seemed to cry all the time. In fact, every child of ours has gone through a whiny stage when the whining seemed constant! And I’m still amazed at how emotional my children seem. If I understand that learning about emotions is a developmental skill, I will be less impatient and worried when my children cry. I will realize that some children must be taught more deliberately about emotions and what to do with them. (and that teaching is often best done outside of a crisis!)
  • I need to view my interventions through the lens of my own crises. An ice-cream cone falling to the concrete is every bit as traumatic to a child as losing a hundred dollar bill that we need to pay the rent. If I treat my children the way I would want to be treated in a crisis, I am certain I will have more kindness and compassion. The verses that give me hope and encouragement are ones that reassure me of God’s love and purpose in my life. There are no random trials. As I help my daughter with homework this morning, I am deliberately telling her these things that God uses to comfort me: I love you, and I know the work is hard. I would not ask you to do it if I didn’t think it was good for you. I will help you if you get stuck.
  • Emotional control (self control or temperance) is a fruit of the spirit as well as a developmental skill. Teaching children to hide their emotions is not as important as teaching them to love God and follow him. Practically, I am learning that as my children get older, their emotions are an important clue for what is going inside their hearts. They don’t always have the words to say what is wrong, but their emotions can help me to be alert to the existence of a problem. I need to remember that emotions aren’t the problem! As my daughter cries over her hard homework, I do need to help her understand when she has gone from grief to complaining (That’s a wisdom issue that I don’t always get right in my own life!)
  • Especially for young children, it’s helpful to remember that God never gives us temptation that we are unable to bear. Sometimes I need to remove temptation by saying no to a playdate, ignore people who think I’m holding my baby too much, stop the lecture and go get a glass of water with my child, or simply start some music as we work together to finish a job. I’m teaching children to trust God by my hugs, by helping them put the past behind them and think instead on good things.

What are you learning about emotions and your children?

 

 

 

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Emotions and Childish Crises

I’ve been watching my responses to my children’s emotions for the last few weeks, particularly the day-to-day crises that as a parent I would consider relatively “small” or “insignificant in light of eternity” [say this last one with a bit of spiritual concern and a knit brow].  Often, I see their crying as a waste of time, self-centered, and a hindrance to getting work done. I have been trying to discover the balance between compassion, and a need to keep the household from crashing to a standstill at every crisis.

Here are examples of some of the crises I have in mind: Yesterday two children were in tears because I told them we would go swimming after their rooms were clean (they are afraid they won’t pass the swim test). One child was in tears because the other can jump rope more times than she can. Another child was in tears because the dishwasher is always the most full on her days to empty the dishwasher. Tears because we weren’t able to go to the store to buy David’s birthday present that week. Tears fairly predictably when there is hard homework or a really messy room to be cleaned. Often tears when I tell kids the day’s schedule and they had something else in mind.

When I see these problems through my eyes only, all I see are the selfishness, pride, and out of control emotions. I think I’m seeing with the spiritual eyes of eternity, confronting sin in my children’s lives. Instead, my words come out harsh and merciless. When I consider how Jesus shows mercy and kindness in response to people with emotions, I try to see from my children’s perspective, and I see that their problems are often very similar to mine: disappointments, discouragement over failure to measure up, fears that have become realized. I thus gain some needed perspective (and humble patience) as I try to keep the day moving along while being merciful and kind. Here are some things I’ve observed.

  • Jesus shows kindness by restricting his instruction during emotional times: “I have many things to say to you right now, but you can’t bear them emotionally.”  As mothers, we can be like Jesus when we are sensitive to our child’s emotional state and respond with kindness, saving a great deal of instruction for later and keeping our words simple. I have a long way to go before I learn the right balance of kindness and brevity. Jesus shows me that I don’t need to cram everything in, and that I especially need to be sensitive to my listeners’ emotional state when I speak.

I have yet many things to say unto you, but ye cannot bear them now. John 16:12

  • Jesus shows kindness by asking questions about the problem. Notice how often Jesus asked questions as he served and taught. Jesus wasn’t asking because he needed information or because he needed to talk through the problems to find a solution, but because his listener needed the questions. It’s a way we humans show we are listening. How often do I interrupt a child because I already know what her problem is and how to fix it? A simple restatement of their words, or a question for more information indicates that I am truly listening: You are worried because your eye starts hurting when you are looking at small things, is that right? Are your eyes itchy or just tired? Does it happen when you are doing legos, or just when you are looking at math? It’s easy to assume that the tears are from laziness or selfishness, when a few questions sometimes reveal otherwise.

He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.

Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: Proverbs 1:19

And he asked his father, How long is it ago since this came unto him? And he said, Of a child. And ofttimes it hath cast him into the fire, and into the waters, to destroy him: but if thou canst do any thing, have compassion on us, and help us. Mark 9:21-22

  • Jesus shows his kindness with full attention, often with a kind touch. My children respond quickly to love demonstrated by undivided attention, too. Regardless of whether the crisis is real, imagined, appropriate, or overblown, it is appropriate to stop what I am doing and give full attention for a period of time. At the least, I might need to take ten seconds to make eye contact, give a hug, and say, I’m sorry you’re feeling so sad. A few seconds of a quiet hug go a long way, especially when I’m in the last fifteen minutes of cooking dinner!

And Jesus, moved with compassion, put forth his hand, and touched him, and saith unto him, I will; be thou clean. Mark 1:41

  • Jesus set an example by becoming a servant, not grasping his own rights but putting the needs of others first. I’ve been challenged to make sure that I’m not shushing crying children simply because it’s inconvenient or unpleasant for me. Crying children take up time, and they seem to have crises at the most inconvenient times: at church, on the way to school, during a doctor’s appointment, while I am making dinner. If I want to show kindness to my emotional children, I must remember God’s command in Philippians 2:2-7.

Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus:

Tomorrow I’ll talk about my surprising discovery that when I work on being kind and compassionate, I still end up saying, “Time to stop crying and move on with our day.” That’s the thing I thought I was trying to avoid!

Edited: Followup post here.

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