Read Part 1.

When God doesn’t give obvious wisdom, I sometimes discover that I want wisdom for the wrong reasons. Not getting what I’m asking for motivates me to examine my motives again. Do I want well behaved children because they are embarrassing me? Do I want my children to be saved in order to validate my approach to teaching the gospel? Am I wanting my children to be better at cleaning their rooms because I feel like a failure when they’re a disaster? (not to mention that I am convicted when I see my own faults reflected in my children)

You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your pleasures. James 4:3

Not getting an answer for wisdom helps me to ask for the right thing. I might ask God to remove a difficult situation affecting my children. I might ask God to fix a child whose personality is incomprehensible to me, but then I would be missing the reason God created that child in the first place. Instead, I have to look for God’s purpose. I don’t always see it, but as we learn in Proverbs, asking is a part of wisdom. It’s a good thing to realize how much I really need wisdom. I don’t always get that until I’m asking God in desperation for it. I think it’s all about the answers, and God wants to teach me something bigger.

Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.Psalm 37:4

For the LORD God is a sun and shield: the LORD will give grace and glory: no good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly. O LORD of hosts, blessed is the man that trusteth in thee. Psalm 84:11-12

Not getting an answer for wisdom helps me to avoid a helpless mentality. Often when I’m asking for wisdom, I really want God just to tell me what to do. God gave me a mind, and wisdom of necessity uses it. So when I ask for wisdom and don’t get an direct answer (“Dear Michelle, Your child will finally learn to keep her room clean when she is twelve. In the meantime, you must begin each day from now until then by helping her clean it. Here are three easy steps that will certainly help her….”) I realize that I must make a decision myself. Today I helped the girls with their room first thing in the morning. It was the right decision for today. Did God give me that wisdom, or did I figure it out myself? I am learning that it is both.

Him [Jesus] we preach, warning every man and teaching every man in all wisdom, that we may present every man perfect in Christ Jesus. ²⁹ To this end I also labor, striving according to His working which works in me mightily. Colossians 1:28-29 (Isn’t this a great parenting verse?)

When God doesn’t give wisdom, I learn patience. I discover that the things I thought were urgent weren’t. I learn that God has given provision in unexpected ways. When I look backwards, I see that God’s guidance came at the right time, sometimes years after I have been praying for wisdom in a certain situation. The trying of my faith does bring patience, and so I’m motivated to keep searching and asking. Often I’m praying for an ongoing situation and I have to remind myself that I know God: he loves my family more than I do. He will do what is best for them, and he will accomplish everything he desires in their lives. It is no accident that James talks about patience and wisdom in nearly the same breath.

Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing. If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. James 1:3-5

God is faithful! He loves it when his children come to him in need of wisdom. He loves to give it! If we don’t see it, there’s a reason, and it is good.

It’s easy, when we are newly aware of our need for wisdom, to become overwhelmed with what we don’t know. We ask God for wisdom, but then can be discouraged because we still don’t know what to do.

But God’s timetable is not ours. He always has a reason for not giving obvious directions, and it is always kind and loving. Today I’m thinking through some scenarios I’ve experienced and observed that follow this pattern.

First, I’ve discovered that God likes us to actually want what we’re asking for. He wants us to seek for wisdom like treasure (Proverbs 2), but our requests are often casual and easily distracted. “It would be really nice to have wisdom. I wouldn’t feel so lost all the time.”  We pray for something and forget that we even asked for it. When I am stuck again and still don’t know what to do, I remember that I asked for wisdom before and I still need it! Another sign that we do not yet value what we are asking for is our actions: I say I want wisdom, but I get discouraged too quickly looking for it, because it doesn’t come easy.

It helps me in these times to consider my own children and their requests. Have you ever been given your child a gift or experience that they really didn’t value? Awhile back some neighbor children had these scooters that wrote with chalk when you stepped close to the back. Lee and I laughed when our children said they wanted one. We were not surprised that after a few weeks of watching their friends, they stopped asking because those scooters were not as exciting as they once thought they were. Over the years, I’ve learned that waiting to see what requests are regularly recurring gives me a better sense of what to look for for Christmas or Birthday presents. An offhand request might be simply because they saw an advertisement for a toy or item, but if I keep hearing about the item, I get a better sense of what is really important to my children.

In a similar way, when God doesn’t give wisdom, I feel it. I’m motivated to think about it more, to look for it more. I try to figure it out. I can’t forget it when I’m regularly at my wit’s end. I have to come again to the throne of grace and find the help I need. I read my Bible more faithfully, and when I read it, I’m looking for answers. I want wisdom more desperately. All my hope is in you, God! Where are the answers you promise? I am forced to consider whether I actually believe God will give good gifts, as he has said.

And He said to them, “Which of you shall have a friend, and go to him at midnight and say to him, ‘Friend, lend me three loaves; ⁶ for a friend of mine has come to me on his journey, and I have nothing to set before him’; ⁷ and he will answer from within and say, ‘Do not trouble me; the door is now shut, and my children are with me in bed; I cannot rise and give to you’? ⁸ I say to you, though he will not rise and give to him because he is his friend, yet because of his persistence he will rise and give him as many as he needs.

“So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. ¹⁰ For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. ¹¹ If a son asks for bread^[d] from any father among you, will he give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent instead of a fish? ¹² Or if he asks for an egg, will he offer him a scorpion? ¹³ If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him!” Luke 11:5-13

Because of Scriptures like these, I suspect that most of the time when I’ve asked and searched for wisdom and felt like God didn’t give it, God actually did give wisdom and I didn’t recognize it. Perhaps I thought wisdom was like knowing the future, or at the least a definitive answer to my questions. How could wisdom be so tentative? Maybe I’m not alone in not always recognizing wisdom. Sometimes I’ve noticed when my friends are discouraged about not having the wisdom they’ve been asking for, I can see that they’ve actually been acting wisely. Maybe we need to be encouraging others more, and maybe we need to be praying that when he gives wisdom, we’ll know what it is!

We learn wisdom inductively bit by bit: here is the beginning of wisdom, and here is another part. This is yet another part of wisdom. And so on, until we really do know what wisdom is. The next time you read Proverbs, put wisdom in that framework, and you may find wisdom making more sense. I’ve long wished Solomon had given us a systematic theology of wisdom, but alas! God has a different plan for this lesson. I like to wonder what the advantage is in simply giving us tantalizing details and metaphors. One day I’ll ask Solomon about this!

If we believe God’s word, then we trust he’ll give us wisdom when we need it. If he hasn’t given us wisdom yet, there’s a reason. Tomorrow, we’ll talk about a few more reasons we might feel like God isn’t giving us the wisdom we are asking for.

Read Part 2.

From Friday’s Post:

Michelle finally stops waiting for wisdom and determines to  do the best she knows how.

Turns out her decision was fine, but Michelle is now confused. Did God neglect his promise to give wisdom? Is wisdom the same as knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt what to do in a certain situation?

I used to think that wisdom was something that God sent (somehow) that communicated exactly what to do in any situation, that wisdom was essentially mistake-proof parenting. So I was confused when I would pray for wisdom and felt like God left me to do whatever I thought was best, when what I really wanted was to know what he wanted me to do.

What the young mother Michelle didn’t realize was that God DID give her wisdom. She didn’t understand how important the process of asking was. It reinforced her dependence on God, but God didn’t answer in a way that took away her responsibility to weigh the options, think about relevant scripture, and act. Young mother Michelle’s questions were a part of wisdom, as were her prayers, and so were her actions. Often we see how God has led this way when we look back.

• Far from being evidence of a problem, questions are evidence of a mind that is engaged. They remind us of our dependence on God. Questions keep us humble. They also can keep a young mother’s mind from stagnating when she hears toddler talk all day long, but that’s a side benefit. There’s a reason you see an emphasis on searching for wisdom [see Proverbs 2, for example]. Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. Proverbs 3:5
• Only recently have I learned that some wisdom questions take years to resolve. I have several that have been simmering in my mind since David was a baby, six and seven years ago. I’m beginning to suspect that some questions I have may never be completely answered while my children are young, and I’ve started wondering whether my job isn’t to focus instead on the tools my children will need to answer those questions for themselves as adults.
• Prayer is an essential part of wisdom. Humility is the beginning of wisdom, and God gives grace and mercy to the humble. When we think we know everything, when we have the confidence that we have all the answers (instead of the confidence that God’s way of leading is sufficient), we will find God opposing our efforts at parenting. Not knowing what to do is an excellent place to start the search for wisdom. Surely he scorneth the scorners: but he giveth grace unto the lowly. The wise shall inherit glory but shame shall be the promotion of fools. Proverbs 3:34-35
• Finally, action is an essential part of wisdom. As we put God first in the decision making process (honor the Lord with our first fruits, or seek ye first the kingdom of God), he promises to direct our paths. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:6 We can act humbly and yet confidently, knowing that as we seek God, he will correct our path. My son, despise not the chastening of the Lord; neither be weary of his correction: For whom the Lord loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth. Proverbs 3:11-12 We may try one thing to address a problem, find it inadequate, and then try another. This is the process of wisdom, not failure. Keep sound wisdom and discretion: Then shalt thou walk in thy way safely, and thy foot shall not stumble. When thou liest down, thou shalt not be afraid: yea, thou shalt lie down, and thy sleep shall be sweet. Proverbs 3:21, 23, 24

Wisdom is eternal. Why should we be surprised that it takes a lifetime to figure out? Yet it is a worthwhile study.