This week marks my eleventh wedding anniversary. I’m so thankful for these eleven years of marriage to my wonderful husband. He has been a joy to share my life with, and I’m looking forward to seeing where God will lead us in the future.
It’s easy, especially when one’s children are small, to spend the bulk of my thinking around my children. What are their spiritual needs? How can I teach them? What is most important? These are all important and valuable ways to spend my time. In fact, because I’m with my children nearly constantly, it’s what I think about most.
When Lee left for Iraq, I realized that I hadn’t been spending as much energy into my marriage. Things were comfortable, and paying attention to my marriage didn’t seem as critical as paying attention to my children. That was a bad strategy, something I learned when he left for his six month deployment. His absence made the weaknesses in our marriage show up more clearly, and I could tell I needed to rethink some of my priorities. That was one of the blessings of deployment.
On my anniversary week, I’m reminding myself that my children benefit from the gift of my choice to glorify God in my marriage, and that gift requires thinking energy.
Here are some things I’ve been working on and thankful for:
- Date nights. We got out of the habit after Laurel was born, and didn’t realize how much we needed them until after Lee was gone (nearly three years later!). We started praying for a babysitter, and God answered that prayer. Here in San Antonio, we once again started praying for a good way to go on dates regularly, and God gave us the blessing of friends to trade babysitting with. Talking after the kids go to bed isn’t enough for us. We need to take time away from distractions, time that is set apart and thus more valuable and less likely to be squandered.
- Changing my priorities. Basically this is learning what priorities are important to my husband and making them my own priorities. I need to know whether he’s more interested in my being in shape or helping with the yard work, of having dinner made on time, or having a tidy house when he comes home. Some of these priorities I know, and I’ve not been putting the attention to them that I should. That’s selfish.
- Thinking Right about my Marriage. Not worrying about what I cannot change. Choosing to be content. Enjoying where I am and where God has placed me. Paying attention to the things I appreciate about my husband and marriage. I learned that I need to be deliberate in thinking these things, and that cultivating these thoughts takes effort!
- I should pull out the book my mom wrote for me– Happily Married. It’s one of the best books on marriage I’ve seen. Biblical. Helpful. Encouraging. Every wife can glorify God in her marriage, and that’s a precious gift to your children, whether you have a great marriage or not.
Sometimes out of the corner of my eye, I can see my children watch as I enjoy spending time with my husband. Honoring God with the choices I make in my marriage is an important gift that nobody else can give them.
Good reminders, Michelle! Sounds like similar things I’ve been facing in our 11th year…. 🙂 Wish you guys were closer!
Rebecca, Sometimes I need the reminder that my life isn’t as different as I think. 🙂 I’d enjoy living closer, too! Still, I’d like to do better at keeping in touch. Thanks for commenting.
I’m reading your mom’s book right now! Continuing on the path with you! Glad we can help each other on the journey.
Laura, How exciting! It’s always good to hear what God is doing in your life. Thinking and praying for you now. 🙂
The point “changing my priorities” is something I’ve been thinking about recently. I asked my husband to rate what he would like when he gets home from work: a clean(ish!)house, food ready, me looking nice (and hopefully in a good mood). I talked about it to my Bible study friends, suggesting that they try to find out what their husbands would like. By the way, he chose food!
I think I should work on “thinking right…” I find my thoughts are pretty discouraging lately!
If you don’t mind sharing, when is your anniversary? I’ve been married 12 years (although I had a mind blank a while ago and told people it was 13!)
Maya— We got married December 28, 1999. 🙂 Good advice about asking one’s husband about his preferences (I’m surprised more women don’t do this!) Every husband is different, and I’ve even been surprised to see the differences in priorities as the years go by. Praying for you!
After 20 years of marriage, I can look back to see times of great closeness and times of much less closeness (the roommate syndrome!). I prefer the times when my husband and I are in sync. For you with small children, keep having the date nights and the times away from your children. As my oldest children are now old enough to watch the younger children, we are free to enjoy more frequent, short dates without breaking the bank.
I’ve also discovered my husband has a much different definition of clean house than I do. In order to love him properly, I must de-clutter whenever possible. A vacuumed floor just isn’t as noticeable.
Thanks for stopping by, Traci! I appreciate the perspective of wise women with families at different stages than mine. 🙂 I know what you mean about definitions of clean house. I know it, but I still can spend an hour cleaning out a drawer and leave laundry all over the couch….