“Because I said so” has gotten a bad reputation, but it’s a great phrase.
It’s been getting a honest workout at our house these days.
I feel strongly that our actions as parents need to be purposeful, that we do need to consider why we do what we do. I also feel strongly that these reasons should be shared, as appropriate, with children.
However, I do not think that children have the right for reasons on demand, before obedience. So I’ve been working to help my children understand that they need to be obedient before they ask why. I’ve also told my children more than once that I may not explain why sometimes. The desire to know why (curiosity) must be tempered by the Holy Spirit.
Here’s an example that happened last week. I asked one child to bring me a bag of batteries that had been left on our dining room table. Knowing that I was looking for a particular kind, that child announced that they were not to be found in the bag, and left the bag on the table!
Now it just so happened that I knew the batteries I wanted were not in the bag, that I wanted to put the batteries away, and that I was searching for the correct batteries in a different place. I simply hadn’t shared those reasons with my children.
I’ve also noticed that one of my children quizzes me after I give a motherly command. It looks almost like a desire for clarification, but I’m realizing it’s actually an evaluation of the request. In response to the attitude that one must understand or agree with mom before obeying, I’ve been refusing to give reasons for my actions.
Questions I’ve asked:
- Do you believe that mom was requesting you to sin, or was sinful in any way? [answer has always been no, so far]
- If mom asked you to do something sinful, what should you do? [answer is mostly shrugs, up to this point]
- If mom asked you to do something, and you had a better way that was different, what should you do? [I was surprised that the answer was, “do it the better way.”]
What’s interesting about this last answer is that my first reaction is to make sure my children understand how to appeal. I hate the thought of stifling my children, refusing to hear the ideas flowing from their little innovative, intelligent brains. [Type A mothers, please stifle your coughs! Sometimes I’m slow to understand things.]
As I think about my reaction, though, I remember that my children know how to appeal. I’ve taught them this. The problem isn’t that they have a better idea, but that they are resisting authority.
I don’t want them to be blindly obedient, without thought. Only God has absolute authority, not humans.
On the other hand, I also don’t want them to be constantly demanding to know everything before following orders. That’s a recipe for chaos in the military, within a family structure, and in God’s kingdom.
Maybe I want some middle ground? Seems we always come back to wisdom.
And right now, I sense that my children need more instruction in the “submit to authority” side of the scale.That’s why for the time being at least, you may hear at our house
Because I said so.
I’ve noticed a similar questioning of my commands or requests and KNOW that it is usually not because they think they have a better way, but because they just don’t like submitting to authority. We have had many discussions stemming from the trust issue. Do you trust Mommy, does Mommy love you, does Mommy have your best interest in mind, and then asking the same about God, and then reminding them that out of His love for them, he has blessed them with a Mommy who desires to do His will in regards to them. I’m not sure their minds can encompass all that, so I really like your question about “am I asking you to sin”. I think they would understand that. I can tell that even if they answer yes, to the trust mommy and love mommy questions (which they don’t always do…which is another topic in itself) I still sense a bit of reluctance to JUST obey without knowing all the reasons. Since I sense this in my own heart regarding my obedience to those in authority over me (ie. God, my husband) I am not as quick to catch the rebellion as I wish I was. Still working on this one. 🙂
Laura– I have used these questions as well. I think they’re helpful, even if they don’t understand it well. I know watching my own struggle with obedience to God has been good for me in understanding the struggle within my children. I’m still working on it too!
I have tried “Do you trust mommy?” and gotten a negative response. That is hard to respond to. My smart eldest, though, seems to know that will catch me off guard. Perhaps she doesn’t trust me, but I think the real truth is she doesn’t want to obey.
We are also working on this in our home. Obey first, then ask why. It is a hard lesson to learn, it seems. Of course, it’s not always easy for Mommy to obey God first, then ask why, either. So I guess I should expect a challenging time with my little ones.
Truthful girl! She gave the right answer. Her actions showed that she doesn’t trust mom. That’s why we disobey, too. Maybe you can use this idea to show her the connection between trust and obedience. Think about how wonderful it is to begin learning these lessons now– having the right foundation will help her immensely as an adult when she struggles to obey God. So do we all!
Very helpful and frank post. Obeying without question is something we’ve been working on all year with our now-10yo. For awhile he duped us with “needing clarification”, but we caught on, and now sometimes he gets no clarification, not because we’re being heavyhanded, but because he needs to make obedience his priority.
I like the trust-obedience comments! Good point!