I thought of yesterday’s crying post when we ate lunch (and dinner) today. When Laurel (nearly nine months old) sits down in her high chair, she wants food now. Waiting for everyone to get in place, and for prayer isn’t easy. I’m tempted to give her a little bit of food to hold her over while we pray; after all, she doesn’t understand why she cannot have food right away. I certainly don’t think it’s bad to take this approach, but I think learning to wait is within her ability to learn, so we hold her hands and pray as usual. She’s starting to get it, even though she does cry a bit sometimes while we’re praying. For awhile, she pulled her hands away, but now she lets us hold her hands. Cruel, to force her to hold hands for a 30-second prayer? Cruel, to let her cry while we pray? I don’t think so. Of course, a mom must be sensitive to the ability of her children to wait, and not push far beyond that ability. Like a good coach, who pushes his team just a little bit further beyond what they think they are capable of, a wise mom will also push her children to maturity. Push too hard, and you discourage your children; don’t push at all, and some children may not achieve their potential. Delayed gratification is a good lesson, even for a baby. Come to think of it, it’s a good lesson for me.
Crying It Out (CIO)
Laurel just started crawling. A few days ago, Lee and I were watching her cry. She’s been quite fussy, just like every child of mine has gotten before some major milestone. We talked about how the fussiness that is so troubling to parents (including me) actually reflects a frustration that drives the child to accomplish something new. Laurel’s tears really are troubling, even though they reflect a healthy drive to achieve. Still, my body goes into physical turmoil any time my children cry, for nearly whatever reason. Now, some people attempt to “train their infants” into submission to neglecting to attend to their cries. They would suggest that we should ignore our emotional desire to stop the crying (provided that “legitimate” needs are met, of course) and routinely let babies “cry it out.” I have a problem with this approach.
One reaction to the “cry it out” crowd seems to be to avoid allowing any crying for any reason. Dr. Sears talks about harmful effects of excessive crying, and I think some moms respond to this news by feeling guilty every time they don’t stop the baby from crying right away.
Sears is right, by the way: Babies cry to communicate. And Sears does indicate that young infants need more immediate attention than older babies. I agree. I do believe excessive crying is harmful. But we need to define excessive crying, and we need to understand that babies will not always like the choices we make.
Most importantly, contrary to Sears’s recommendation, we shouldn’t always listen to our bodies and emotions. If I did that, I’d be picking up baby as she struggles to become mobile. I would actually be hindering her growth. I find myself making poor decisions if I anticipate my older children’s displeasure of my actions. I’d not get dinner made when baby is fussy. On the other hand, sometimes I do need to stop what I’m doing to attend to my child. (In the middle of typing that sentence, Bethel cried because she was having difficulty with her tea set and needed my help; I got up to help her.)
One place to begin is to look at my motives. I can have selfish motives for letting baby cry (I don’t really want to get up, I’m tired, I’ve been attending to cries all morning, etc.), and I can have selfish motives for not letting baby cry (I want peace and quiet, regardless of what is best for baby and the rest of my family). Fear is another motive that may not always be right. So how do I know when to listen to my God-given mother instinct and when to refrain from acting? I need wisdom. That’s one of the most important factors missing from Sears’s teachings. It’s not always easy to know when to let baby cry and when to pick her up. It’s not about Sears, other experts, my instinct, or emotions. It’s about walking in the Spirit and acting accordingly.
Back to work!
God Is Bigger Than the Storm
The other night, David kept calling for me. I felt the surge of impatience (I want to spend time with my husband), and swell of smug indifference (It’s not good for him to be demanding to see me). Reluctantly, I went to comfort him (and tell him to be quiet), and I realized he was actually afraid of the thunder and lightning outside, though he had not said so. I fell back on the old fear standby– Psalm 56:3. Guess it didn’t help, because David shortly called out again.
I asked Lee to go say something spiritual to him. 🙂 He came back and David was quiet. I was curious what Lee had said, so I asked. I just told him, God made the storm, so God is bigger than the storm and He can take care of you. What was fascinating was that I was focusing on the relationship (God is with me) and Lee was focusing on the power (God is mighty). Insight into the male mind, perhaps?
Pick Her up Before She Cries?
One popular author admired by many Christian readers instructs mothers to pick their babies up before they cry. On the surface, that might seem to be good advice. This advice is intended to prevent a baby from becoming demanding to be held 24/7. The implication is that a mother should be wary of picking up her baby when he is crying, particularly when he’s been fed and changed (his “needs” been met).
But I don’t have any problem with picking up baby when she cries. That’s how she communicates. There are enough times when I cannot pick her up right away, and when I must put her down before she’s ready. I don’t take baby out of the carseat while we’re driving (dangerous and against the law), so a number of times I’ve been in near agony driving home while the baby is crying. But if I can pick her up, then I do.
So when baby cries, I try to figure out why. First, I consider whether she’s been fed recently (I don’t keep a strict schedule. Yep, my babies are demand fed. 🙂 ). If she’s been recently fed, and she’s not dirty (she cares more than the other kids did), then I figure she’s bored or lonely. I consider these legitimate needs to meet, so I don’t see her crying in these cases to be any more problematic than crying for food or to be changed.
I move her from room to room, depending on where I am. If I’m giving the kids a bath, then I’ll put her in the Johnny-Jump-Up (bumper jumper for the young moms) over the bathroom door. When she gets tired of that, she’s recently been very excited to sit up at a toy basket and grab toys out of it. When she gets bored of that, I might move her outside in the exersaucer. We’re always moving, probably every 5-15 minutes.
If changing her location or mode of sitting doesn’t help, and she cries even when I give her 100% attention by talking or singing to her, then I’ll either carry her around with me, or just put her to sleep.
Yes, I pick her up when she cries. And most of the time, I don’t feel guilty at all.
P.S. Some have the other problem, feeling guilty when baby cries at all. So they carry the baby with them at all hours. If you like that idea, go for it. But I believe the guilt is false guilt.
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