In the last post, I finished with the observation that I still wanted more children after making the decision with my husband to limit our family. Did this mean we made the wrong decision?
Several months ago, I finally decided to investigate why I had not resumed my periods after giving birth (now, twenty-two months). Nearly certainly, the cause was something called Asherman’s Syndrome. It appeared that God had literally closed up my womb.
All of a sudden, my thinking was challenged. God allowed something significant to happen, something that made questions about His will in the matter obsolete. Now, I became certain that God was leading. It was comforting to see God confirming that the decisions we had made were right.
A long visit with a specialist confirmed a severe case of Asherman’s, which makes a viable pregnancy impossible. God’s Will on this point is quite clear, but I still feel wistful when I see a woman who is expectant. I feel a tug on my heart when I look at tiny baby clothes in a store. On one hand, I have God’s clear leading, and on the other, I am intrigued to see that God didn’t also remove my desire for children. Perhaps this is why I am coming to realize that desire is not always an indicator for God’s Will.
Now I know that we don’t make decisions by our feelings, but marriage and children is one area where women are regularly encouraged to act by their feelings. A woman might try to encourage a single lady by saying “Your desire for marriage is evidence that God has a husband in store for you someday.” A couple are unified in their desire to get married, even in the face of sobering opposition, so that must be God’s will. And the desire for more children confuses women who for one biblically motivated reason or another might have made a decision to limit their families.
Assuming that God said, “No more children” and assuming there’s still an emotional tug in my heart, I can rest confidently in his care. Yes, we are open to adoption, although we are not considering this option at this time. In the meantime, I can use that emotional tug to serve God. We have many children who need love and attention in our own local church, children with and without loving parents. I am reminded of my responsibility to my own children, and I can focus my energy as I journey to a new stage of parenting.
Still, I have questions. Were we premature in making a decision that in hindsight had pretty much been made for us? Dealing with health problems seems a more legitimate reason to limit a family than financial or spiritual problems. Or is it?
Tomorrow I want to think through some of the biblical principles that have been helpful. We need much prayer and earnest seeking of the Lord, because our hearts are deceitful and because our society’s attitude towards family and children is vastly different than what we find in God’s Word.
Michelle, I am so glad that you wrote about this. This is a topic I have pondered for some time. I have finally came to the conclusion that my desire for more children may never go away despite the fact that my husband has made it very clear that we are finished having them.
The one missing piece for me was what to do with that desire if God had not taken it away….should I rebuke it every time the thought comes up, ignore it?? I heard the answer in your blog. Having another baby is not the only way to answer that desire.
There are other ways to use that desire to serve God! I actually just thought of one last night. Several times since I have had Max there has been a baby loving woman willing to hold my baby while I am trying to eat or tend to my other children. I am fulfilling her desire to love on a baby while at the same time she is blessing me with a free hand for a while! I guess in the future when that longing for a baby comes again maybe I need to start looking around for how I can use it to honor God and bless someone else.
Deidra– You said this more clearly than I did. You’re exactly right.
I wonder why deciding NOT to have any more children whether for medical, financial or any other reasons tend to make people wonder if that is God’s plan. Yet, we don’t often question the motives of those who want numerous children despite whether they can actually afford them (both financially and with quality/quantity of time). My husband and I have two children and have chosen not to have anymore for many reasons. I can honestly say that I did not literally pray to God about this issue, but after making the decision I never had a moment of hesitation. I find that when I feel peaceful about a situation I attribute that peacefulness coming from the Lord. That isn’t to say when I feel troubled about a situation that isn’t also the Lord working on me, but I never doubt a decision when the worry has been taken out of the equation. This doesn’t mean all peaceful decisions turn out easy or without pain, but I rely on the Lord’s reasons for making such decisions peaceful and hopefully learn from those that end up less than desirable.
As always your blog gets me thinking about my beliefs and that is ALWAYS a good/GOD thing!!
Heather
Heather, You’re right that we can choose to have children for sinful motives. I’ve been sobered occasionally by the sin of envy for the credibility that mothers of large families carry. But I think the reason deciding not to have children is met with more scrutiny is that children are a natural part of God’s plan, in spite of the sorrow they bring (ie., the curse in Genesis 3). It is not a decision to be made quickly or lightly.I’ve been thinking about peace and decision making, too. I’ve noticed that in retrospect, certain decisions give me peace, although I think peace is less reliable when making a decision than looking back on a decision. In this decision, though, the desire for more children could be interpreted as a lack of peace. Perhaps it is only a small part of the decision making process.Thanks for your comments.